I don't know what it was that first drew me to Nathan. Maybe it had something to do with the way he presented himself to me. Despite everything I knew about him and all he had done in the past couple of weeks to Lucas, he had that desperate look in his eyes. I knew that look was telling me the truth. He needed my help.
Maybe it was my naivety that made me believe that people can't be all that bad, that people deserve second chances. I've always refused to believe things about people without knowing them, but Nathan should have been different. I knew everything Lucas had told me about him wasn't a lie. Nathan had been a huge ass to my best friend.
So, I was torn between wanting to hate him and wanting to help him. I hate that he put me in that place.
Lucas was hurting and I hate it when Lucas is hurting. I've seen it before and it hurts me more than he knows. We've been through everything together since we were eight years old. He's been there for me whenever I needed him, and even when I didn't need him. Lucas knows I would do the same for him, that I would always be there. I know when he's is in pain, even before he realizes it most of the time.
I'm not going to say we're soul mates because God, I hate that word. I've mocked the Dawson and Joey notion of best friends ever since that show first aired. Lucas and I take pride in being the anti-Dawson and Joey best friends.
Lucas has his life and I have mine, but we're there for each other when we need each other. So, why am I willing to give this up for Nathan?
I don't know.
Or maybe I do. Maybe I see some of Lucas in Nathan. I know both of them would hate me for thinking it, but they are brothers. They are similar, no matter how much they try to deny it.
If Nathan was given a chance, he could be everything I love and admire in Lucas. If he was given a chance, people could see past all the bullshit he presents to everyone. He's not Lucas and he doesn't have to be, but he doesn't have to be such an ass either.
Lucas didn't understand of course. I never really expected him to understand. I keep trying to think how I would feel if Lucas suddenly started hanging out with someone I hated. Like Susie Truman when we were in seventh grade. That girl used to pick on me non-stop. So, if Lucas suddenly turned around and said he was friends with her...Well, I wouldn't be too happy.
That's another thing I like about Lucas. He hates me tutoring Nathan, but he accepts it even when I don't expect him to.
I don't pine for Lucas, but there is a part of me that wonders what it would be like to be with him. Lucas hasn't dated much, not because of a lack of girls, but because he mostly keeps to himself. Well, he did before he became "the big star" he is now. We joked about us dating once; I think when we were about fourteen. We had laughed it off and decided we knew each other too well for that.
Maybe that's why I'm drawn to Nathan. He has most of the qualities I like in Lucas buried inside him, but he's got a lot more attitude and knows fewer of my embarrassing secrets. Sometimes, he'll laugh in this particular way and it'll remind me of Lucas or he'll say something, and I can almost hear Lucas saying it. It's weird.
They have the same eyes. If you look deeper, you can really see it. It's not obvious unless you spend a lot of time looking at both of them. The way their eyes light up when they're happy or the fire in them when they're angry or the sadness in them when they're talking about something difficult. It's almost the same.
I wouldn't risk my friendship with Lucas just to see if we could have something because I'm scared of losing him completely. We would never lose touch of each others lives, but there would be some awkwardness. Once you cross that line, you can never go back.
I could have something with Nathan. Something real and separate, something that could be really great.
Somehow, I can't quite convince myself that falling for Nathan has everything to do with him and nothing to do with Lucas.
~*~
"Lucas!" Haley called out. She was waiting for Lucas to get ready for school so they could walk together.
It had been a week since Nathan and Lucas got thrown off the school bus. Things were pretty much back to normal. Haley never spoke to Peyton again. Nathan and Lucas were back to ignoring each other, and Brooke was still trying to get Lucas's attention.
"I'm coming, Hales," Lucas called back.
"You said that five minutes ago," she complained. A few seconds later, Lucas emerged from his room. "Finally," Haley said as she saw him come out of his room.
"Calm down, what's the rush? We're still going to be early," Lucas commented to her as he slung his backpack over his right shoulder.
"I know but I…" She looked away from his eyes, and then back to them. "I told Nathan I'd meet him at the tutoring center in the morning."
"Oh." Lucas glanced down at the floor, not exactly happy to hear Haley had to see Nathan this morning.
"I just have to give him a paper back," Haley explained.
"Yeah, that's cool. Let's get going then," he said, shrugging off any weirdness he felt about the situation.
They walked side by side in silence, the awkwardness of their previous conversation hanging in the air. Finally, Haley couldn't take it anymore.
"Luke…"
"Hmm?"
"How long is it going to be like this?"
"Like what?"
"This...weirdness. I hate it."
"I'll get over it. Don't worry," he told her, shrugging it off.
Lucas didn't know why it still bothered him so much. Last week, after actually talking to Nathan, he realized that Nathan hadn't had it easy either. Dan was an ass, even to the son he had accepted, but that didn't change the fact that Lucas would always feel like the abandoned one. To him, Nathan always seemed to get everything that Lucas should have got.
Haley was just another thing to add to the list. He never believed Haley was his property and he trusted her judgment, but he still felt scared that he would lose her to Nathan too.
"I don't want you to be mad, Luke," Haley told Lucas, hoping he wasn't already mad.
"I'm not," he promised but every time he saw them together, he felt those pangs. The annoyance that he usually kept under control. It wasn't like he wanted Haley, right? He wasn't jealous, but he hated Nathan for spending time with her.
"You're not going to lose me, you know," she added, knowing what he was thinking.
Lucas turned and smiled at her. "I know."
They arrived in school about ten minutes before the bell was going to ring. Nathan was waiting by the tutoring center. He smiled as soon as he spotted Haley but his smile soon faded when he noticed Lucas beside her. They were laughing about something and they seemed so lost in their own world that Nathan couldn't help feeling he was missing something.
When Haley spotted Nathan, she started to walk over to him and left Lucas to walk away from her. But before he could go anywhere she grabbed his hand, giving him a small smile as she made him come with her.
"You can't avoid him forever," she told him. "Can't you at least be civil for five seconds? I just have to give him this paper back."
They approached Nathan, who was not looking too pleased by this turn of events. Even though he had started to feel he understood Lucas a little better after last week, he still couldn't help hating him. He supposed it was something Dan had instilled in him.
"Hey Nathan," Haley greeted, purposely ignoring the way the other two boys were acting.
"Haley," Nathan said, greeting her back.
"I've got your paper," she said as she dug around in her bag for the offending item, finally finding it and giving it to him. "It was good, but it could have been better."
"Right."
"We'll go over it tomorrow, okay?" she promised him.
"Sure."
Nathan left without saying goodbye and Haley felt bad. Maybe she shouldn't have forced the two of them in the same company but, God, they were on the same basketball team. They needed to get along.
"Not saying anything isn't being civil," she chided Lucas.
"What do you want, Haley?" Lucas asked her, frustrated. "Nathan and I are never going to be friends. There's too much history there."
"Why can't history be rewritten?" Haley asked him. "He's not a bad guy, Luke. You just have to give him a chance."
"I can't, Hales. Every time I see him I see Dan," he told her, and then walked off without another word.
She sighed, feeling frustrated. Maybe it wasn't her place to make the peace between the brothers. Maybe she just needed to keep them both separate, in her mind and in her heart.
~*~
Lucas took the news pretty well. I was more nervous than I let on and considering I couldn't stop moving, that was saying a lot. He didn't like it, but he understood and surprisingly, our relationship didn't change all that much.
I guess he has learned to block out all thoughts of me and Nathan together just as well as I have kept thoughts of him and Peyton, and even him and Brooke out of my head. When he first started to like Peyton, it hurt. I didn't realize what it was at first. Why every time he mentioned her name, I felt like throwing something. By the time I worked out I was jealous, I couldn't do anything about it. I decided I wouldn't be that girl. The one who got jealous when someone new came into her best friend's life.
So, I started to block out thoughts of Lucas and Peyton just enough that I could still talk to him about it without hating her. I think I've done pretty well, considering I may even call Peyton a friend now.
I'm guessing Lucas doesn't want to think about me with Nathan as well, but not because he's jealous. It's because it's me, and his brother who he hates, which I guess is a really screwy situation.
So, naturally, I couldn't help but mention it. I just wanted to see if it bothered him. Sometimes, when he tries to be so cool with this Nathan thing, it's sweet. Other times, it sucks because for once, I don't know how he's really feeling. His reaction was cute and typically Lucas. We won't tell each other what to do in our lives.
I won't tell him not to kiss Brooke. She's another person I've blocked out. They were never together in my mind. Just like he wasn't with Peyton but it was nice to see him really smiling for once. If hanging out with Brooke does that, then, I won't say anything against her.
Lucas is right. I should know better then anyone what it's like to be with someone who is different than people see.
Nathan finally realized that he doesn't have to be that tough guy anymore and he faced up to his mistake. I care about him. I really do. When he collapsed on that court, my heart literally stopped beating. When he came up to my room later, he was hurting and all I wanted to do was make things better for him.
I wanted to make all the pain go away. Nathan needed me and I was going to be there for him no matter what.
~*~
"Where were you last night? I tried calling." Lucas asked Haley as soon as he opened the door to her.
"I was at home," Haley answered him and then asked, "Why? What happened?"
He looked at her and noticed the tired look in her eyes. "I was going to ask you the same thing. Are you okay, Hales? I know this Nathan thing must have really shook you up."
"Yeah, it did. Can we just sit and talk for a while?"
"Sure."
They went into his room and she sat on the bed. He noticed her hands were shaking a little and he quickly sat next to her, pulling her into a hug.
"I was really worried, Lucas," she said, her voice low. "I keep seeing it in my mind, in slow motion. He starts to fall and he's looking at me. I want him to walk over to me, I want to move so badly, but I can't. He's reaching out to me, and I can't do anything. And he falls right in front of my eyes."
She started to cry then, finally letting it out. Last night, she had been strong for Nathan. When they woke up this morning, she had been strong until he was safely dropped home. Now, with Lucas, she could let him see her cry.
"Hey, it's okay. He's okay, right?" he said, comforting her and letting her lay down on his bed with his arms still around her.
"Yeah." She wiped her eyes and then looked at Lucas. "He came to me last night. He spent the night at my house." Lucas was shocked at this piece of information, but tried not to let it show. "We just slept. He's not as strong as people think, Luke."
"I know."
"I have to be there for him." 'And only him. Not because he reminds me of you.' Haley added on in her thoughts.
"You will."
Lucas held her for a while until she fell asleep in his arms. Last night, she had stayed awake most of the night, watching Nathan, worried that something would happen to him but now, she slept.
A few hours later, she woke up as Lucas walked into the room with a cup of hot chocolate. She smiled at him as she sat up and took the mug from him.
"Just the way you like it," he told her.
"Thanks, Luke."
"No problem." He watched her take a sip and smiled as the drink warmed her up. "So, shall I tell you about my exciting night?"
"Sure."
"Well, I ended up back here with Brooke after the game." Haley raised her eyebrows. "Nothing happened. But it might have if Peyton hadn't shown up and decided that she was ready to be with me now."
"Wow."
"Yeah."
"So what did you do?"
"Nothing."
"What do you mean nothing?" Haley asked.
"I let Peyton leave and Brooke decided she should probably go too."
"Oh, the price of fame, huh? Before you joined the team no girl gave you the time of day and now you have two."
"Three," he corrected her. She looked confused. "You'd always give me the time of day, right?"
Haley rolled her eyes. "Against my better judgment, I'll probably always be here, even when all the Brooke's and Peyton's in your life have gone."
"Gee, thanks for the vote of confidence."
"You know what I mean, doofus." She pushed him softly and he smiled at her. "I thought you wanted to be with Peyton?" she asked.
"I did…"
"But?"
"I never knew Brooke before. And now I do…"
"…You're not sure you want to give her up," Haley finished for him and he nodded. "Well I know you'll make the right choice, whoever it is."
"Thanks."
"God, did you ever think we'd be this confused over them?" Haley asked. "Life was so much simpler when it was just us."
"Yeah…normal."
"When everything still made sense."
"Where's the fun in that?" Lucas asked.
"You would say that. In this reality, you have two girls making out with you."
Lucas grinned. "Hmm, it's really not so bad is it?"
"You're such a guy."
"Guilty."
"Lucas?"
"Yeah?"
"Promise me we'll never let them come between us. Nathan or Peyton or Brooke. We'll always be us, right?" she asked, unsure of herself.
"Of course. You're the only thing that still makes sense in my life, Hales," Lucas told her.
He leaned forward and kissed her softly on the forehead. She smiled at him, realizing that they really weren't going to let anything come between them.
~*~
After that day, I promised myself that I would be there for Nathan even when he was a jerk, but I wouldn't let Lucas go either. It was a lot easier than I thought it would be. Lucas generally kept me out of whatever problems he was having with Nathan and Nathan tried to do the same, although he sometimes slipped in that regard.
I learned to live with the fact that my boyfriend and my best friend were half brothers who hated each other, however weird that sounded.
Dan left the house and Nathan chose to stay with Deb which was one of the best decisions he had ever made. Whitey cancelled basketball for the rest of the season, giving Nathan time to recover and draw his focus into something other than the game. Without Dan around, he managed to get past the belief that basketball was everything.
Lucas went back to playing on the street with his boys and he seemed much happier.
When the new basketball season started, they were both looking at it from a new perspective.
Lucas chose Brooke in the end. It got him in a lot of trouble with Keith and his mom when she returned from Italy. Mostly because Brooke brought Lucas out of his shell. Sometimes, they took it a little far, but Lucas was never going to be this big party animal. He still loved his books and was still his usual broody self most of the time.
Nathan and I dated for about six months before I started to realize how unlike Lucas he really was. The things that drew me to him in the first place started to become the things that caused problems between us. It wasn't really either of our faults. We just drifted apart. After nine months, we were both ready to move on.
~*~
"This time last year, could you ever think I would be leaning on your shoulder, crying about Nathan?" Haley asked Lucas.
"Funny how things turn out."
"Yeah." She let another tear escape her eye and Lucas leaned over, and wiped it away. "I thought you said it was mutual, Hales?"
"It was, but that doesn't mean it didn't hurt. Nathan was my first…"
"…love," he finished for her but she wasn't going to say that because she knew that Lucas had always been her first love. Nathan had been her first boyfriend though and she had loved him.
"We promised to still be friends, but I don't know if it's possible," she told him.
"If Nathan and I can learn to get along, I'm sure you could do the same," Lucas said.
Nathan and Lucas, with the influence of Haley and Deb had managed to get along enough to be generally civil to each other. It wasn't much, but it was better then nothing.
"I hope so."
"I don't know why you don't just let me beat him up for you."
Haley smiled. "He didn't do anything wrong."
"You're crying," he pointed out.
"Not his fault."
"You always defend him."
"Somebody has to."
"Why you?"
"Because I'm his girl…ex-girlfriend."
"But you're my best friend, first, last and in-between, right?" Lucas asked, checking with her.
"Sure." She rolled her eyes at him.
"Promise?" Lucas asked.
"Promise."
~*~
I had given up the idea of Lucas and I around the time that Nathan became a huge part of our lives. Lucas was my best friend and that was all. It wasn't meant to be more but somehow, in an instant, it became that.
We weren't drunk. We knew what we were doing, but we didn't stop.
It had been six months since I had broken up with Nathan. Lucas and Brooke were in the middle of an argument. She was scared of commitment and he was sick of never knowing where he stood with her. They were just too different. Not the type of different that made for a better relationship, the type of different that tore relationships apart.
One minute we were talking and then, we were kissing and then…well, you get the idea.
I wish I could say it had been more romantic or more built up. Some sort of declaration of love from him. Some sign that this was it for us.
However, this is real life and life rarely works out that way. We got caught up in the moment and crossed that line that I had decided never to cross.
Despite all this, it was still romantic because it was Lucas. It was slow and drawn out and soft and beautiful and every moment is one I want to remember forever. I had only been with Nathan before and although I said they were similar, when I was with Lucas, I wasn't thinking about anyone but him.
The weeks after that were crazy. Full of awkward conversations and tense moments. Probably some of the worst moments of my life.
One of us had to break them because I couldn't go on like that.
~*~
Haley was working behind the counter when Lucas walked into the café.
"Hey," she smiled at him, a hint of cautiousness in her voice.
"Hey," he greeted her.
Karen came up behind Haley and smiled at her son. "Why don't you take your break now, Haley?" Karen told her, throwing a knowing look their way.
Haley took off her apron and followed Lucas outside. They started walking together in silence.
"So…" They both said at the same time and then laughed.
"I broke up with Brooke," he said finally.
"Right." She nodded, not knowing what to do with this information. "You didn't…"
"…tell her about us? No."
She sighed, relieved somehow. She was having a hard enough time as it was, working through this. She didn't need Brooke Davis turning up at her door ready for a bitch fight.
"I don't know what you want us to do about this, Lucas. I don't know what to do about this."
"I don't know either," Lucas admitted. "I just know it meant more to me than you'll ever know. You mean more to me than anyone."
"I know that, Luke. We've been best friends for so long I just don't know how we could change that in one night. Just because we slept together, doesn't mean we have to be together. I don't want to lose what we have."
"Me either. But haven't you ever wondered about us?" Lucas asked.
"Have you?" she challenged. "Because you've never looked at me as anyone other than your best friend, Luke. And now you want me to think, what exactly?"
"That's not true, Hales, and you know it."
"Do I?"
"I was always scared of going there with you because I didn't want to rock the boat with us. Then, you started going out with Nathan and I knew I had lost that part of you. You were only ever going to be my best friend."
"And now?"
"Now, I don't know."
"What if we're not meant to be more?" Haley asked.
"What if we are?" he challenged. "All I know is I miss you. I miss your smile, and your friendship, and your laughter. I miss the way you know me better then anyone else."
She smiled at him, feeling comforted. She carried on walking, but he stopped her. She turned to look at him, feeling confused. "But now I feel sick when you're not around. I get this feeling in my stomach every time I see you. I keep thinking of your lips and the way you kissed me…" She blushed, looking away. "I miss your touch, your kisses, and I think I finally realized why I still hate Nathan so damn much."
"Why is that?" she asked, not looking at him.
He touched her cheek softly, moving her hair from her face and lifting her chin so she was looking at him. "Because he got to be with you, when I never had the guts to tell you how much I care."
She felt the tears build in her eyes, but didn't let them fall. "I don't know about this, Luke."
"Give it a chance, Haley."
And she did.
~*~
Things got clearer for me that day. Everything that I had been too scared to give up was nothing compared to what I gained. Being with Lucas was a lot easier then I made it out to be. He was my boyfriend, my best friend, and my everything without being the only thing in my life.
Nathan was actually not surprised when I told him. He told me he always knew because even when I loved him, I loved Lucas. I was sorry it had to be that way, but he told me not to be. Some people are just meant to be.
Brooke was somewhat heartbroken about the new turn of events, but she didn't show it. I knew though because I had felt it when she was with him.
My relationship with Lucas started off rocky. We were both unsure and confused, but we went through it together.
Karen said to me, six months after Lucas and I had been dating, that she always knew it was a matter of when, and not if, Lucas and I would get together. Not because she thought we were destined to be together, but because she just thought we fit right.
I liked that idea. I liked that Lucas and I fit because I felt it too. We still had our fights, more so then when we were just friends, but when it came down to it, we loved each other and that wouldn't change.
~*~
Haley was on the roof of the café when he arrived. He didn't have to look very far to know she would be there. If he thought he knew her when they were friends, he was wrong. He had learned so much more about her when he started dating her. He learned more about her everyday and she continued to amaze him.
"Haley?"
She looked up at him, missing her shot in the process. She didn't mind because Lucas was here and that's what really mattered to her. She smiled, leaving the mini-golf course and going over to him.
"Hey, what's up?"
"Not much." He grinned as he said it and she knew he was up to something.
"What are you up to, Luke?"
"Nothing much. I just brought you this." He took out a flower from behind his back and handed it to her. A lily because it was her favorite.
"Ooh, a flower. What have you done?" she asked suspiciously.
"It's what I haven't done."
"Quit talking cryptically, Scott. You're worrying me."
"Oh, sorry. I just came to the realization a couple of hours ago that I am crazy in love with you."
"God, you had me worried there for a second. I thought you were going to tell me you cheated on me or something." She laughed, purposely downplaying what he had just said.
"Hello? I just told you I love you and you think I cheated on you."
"No, I don't. You would never do that."
"Why would I need to, when I have you?" he asked.
"Lucas?"
"Yeah?"
"Shut up and kiss me."
He grinned and took the last step towards her, taking her in his arms and kissing her. While she kissed him back, all he could think of was that they fit, and it felt right.
She pulled away and looked at him. "I love you too, Luke."