A/N- don't know if the edit on the first chapter will show up, made a goof, hopefully it'll get fixed, or you just didn't notice… Here's to hoping things fix themselves!
Buffy,
Wow, I mean, what is there to write down for you? I'd feel more constrained if I knew you were going to read this, but since your overlooking the park, it's kind of hard to believe you'll ever get to see it. Why Giles is making us write these I have no earthly idea. Possibly to make himself feel better that he had us do some kind of tribute to you, the longest living slayer, his slayer, or just out of the fact that he thinks maybe you will get them, and come back to us. I tried, I really did, but there was no way to use magic to bring you back again. Buffy, I tried so hard but I couldn't do it. I let you down, I failed you.
I've failed you in so many aspects. The battle, I couldn't hold up the protection field long enough, maybe if I had been able to hold it up longer, you would have lived, instead of diving into the fire to save us all. It's all a matter of what if's now though Buffy. You're gone, and part of it's my fault. I couldn't save you with all the magic I knew. I tired you out worrying over if I was okay after Tara died, and my psycho phase. I wish I could have helped you instead of hindering you Buffy, but I feel like all I did was get in the way. This is the part where you're supposed to lend me some kind words saying, 'No Will, you're the bookworm, that's your specialty, and without that, there would be no point because we'd all be dead.' But those words will never come from your lips, because, well, your lips are sealed.
I wish I could have known what it was like to be the slayer. To be all big and bad ass and strong. I really wish I could have. I mean, I know I'm not much, and I didn't help with much, I mean, I ripped you out of heaven, but still, I wish I could have shared in a little bit of what was going on in your life. You tried so hard to include me and Xander, and I can't fault you or anyone for that, you shouldn't have, but you did. But I still wish I knew what it was like to have the world resting on your shoulders. I mean, when I was at wicca rehab it felt like that, but only for a little while, then things just kind of faded away and got all peaceful. Like with fluffy bunnies and stuff. But I couldn't share in that burden with you Buffy, even when all the little Slayer's came into your house, I felt out of place because I wasn't one of them. I wasn't one of you guys, and I felt left out no matter how hard you tried. I guess it's just because I never realized how big of a responsibility it was to be a slayer, because I'd never had to deal with that before. (And I'm kinda glad I didn't have too…)
I guess I should give you a little heads up on everybody instead of whining about how things could have been. Dawn's doing better than the rest of us, I think she locks it all up inside, but she's getting good grades, but she's worried about boys, and prom and Spike. Wow, I wish I was in high school again, worrying about boys and prom. She worries to much about Spike though. I don't want her to get her feelings for the poor vampire to get in the way of school. I always was the academic minded one wasn't I? Xander's doing okay, I guess. He barely talks to me or anybody else, and his cooking is horrific. It's almost worse than Dawn's, which is definitely hard to beat for nasty meter. He does his Snoopy dance on a daily basis though, and you can only smile at that. Even if it is for a short period of time, I think it helps to lighten everyone's mood. Leave it to Xander to find away to make people laugh even in the face of total and utter despair. Spike is hopelessly lost without you. I remember you telling me the two of you wanted to talk to the other-worldly-being who established an actual bond between Tara and I, and you saying that you and Spike were looking at engagement rings. Well, he's kind of losing it. Dawn will probably tell you, but we went down to do laundry one day and there he was lying face down on the floor, not moving with a puddle of blood coming out from under him. It was the scariest sight we'd both seen in the house in a long long time. We managed to roll him over and look at this nice gaping wound in his chest with a pencil sticking out of it. He said something along the lines of, 'It didn't work' and passed out. We fixed him up, turns out Xander had said something offensive and Spike took it seriously and made the attempt to stake himself, just kind of underestimated the size of the pencil and just wounded himself. Now he laughs at it, but we all still worry for Spike's well being. He's just lost without you Buffy. Giles has picked him up many nights at your grave, with tear stains running down his cheeks and dirt in his hands from when he tries to dig up your grave to see if they made some mistake. We've found it a few times with multiple piles of dirt lying scattered around the gravesite, his hands bloody and caked in mud from when he tries to dig you out. It's so sad and depressing Buffy, he's miserable without you. I hope you see how much he actually cares for you. I know you were starting to realize that before, but he was and always will be totally enamored by you. I don't think any other woman has crossed his mind since you finally let him into your heart. I'm just sorry for both of you that the happiest thing to happen to you both in your lifetimes had to end because I couldn't handle the pressure. I'm sorry Buffy, I really am. It's all my fault you two can't be married in your backyard by candle light in a few weeks. It makes me want to hang myself everytime that I think I messed up that spell, and you had to go rushing in to save us. I'm so sorry Buffy, I'm so sorry.
Please forgive me for everything,
Willow