Buff,

Hey, what to write, what to write. Giles put us all back in school and is requiring us all to write you these letters. If you ask me, he's gone more whack than the normal Giles the librarian, but whatever. So writing a letter to a dead friend, it's kind of hard, and awkward, like the first time I met you, managed to fall off my skateboard. Wow, I was definitely a clumsy guy. Still am, still the same old Xander, well, minus the eye… It's hard to believe that it was just about 8 years ago I first said 'Hi' to you, and now, we're all grown up, and you're not here anymore. Sometimes I look around thinking, 'maybe she's gone to visit someone and will be back.' But you don't ever come back. It's hit me now that you're really gone, and I don't know what to do now. It's like we're all lost without you. You were our glue in this dysfunctional work of art, and once the glue disappears, we all start falling apart. We all really do miss you, and now that you're gone, I think it's hit us that there's no way to ever bring you back. No matter how hard we try, we've got to go on without you. Without our rock, without our Buffy.

It's been kind of uneventful without you around, no demons, no vampires, just dead air. Ever since we all hauled ass to get to Cleveland, and that last apocalypse that cost you your life, there hasn't been anything paranormal. It makes me begin to wonder if all of this was just a dream, and if I'm waking up now to discover myself 8 years older and that it was all fake. It really made me rethink all that's gone on, it's like, you showed up and bad stuff happened, now you're gone, we're all miserable, but everyone's okay. Things will never be back to normal, but we're not doing so horribly. Or at least no one shows it.

Willow probably told you Dawn is doing alright in school, well, given the circumstances. She seems more distant though, Dawn. I mean, she's a good kid, but she doesn't talk to anyone about anything anymore. She used to talk to me about all kinds of stuff, and want to play all these board games with me, now she will barely say 'Hi' to me. I think it's really tearing her up inside, not having any real family left. I mean, we're her family, but we're not related, we're not Summers' and I feel bad for her. But there's not much we can do. We tried to find your dad, but he was 'too busy' to do anything, which is obviously the norm for him anymore. He used to send checks for her, but those have stopped coming, a few weeks after they started. She's such a sweetheart, but there's nothing we can do for her. She doesn't think she'll get a date to the prom, doesn't think any guy will ever like her because of who she is now. She's just really depressed, and miserable. We wish you were here to help out with that.

Will's been doing, well, she's been Will. Locking herself in her room for periods of time, typing on her computer, wishing she could have done something differently to protect you when you dove into that ring. I keep trying to tell her it's not her fault, and convincing here there was nothing else she could have done, but she's Will, and she won't believe a word I say. She knows it's true deep down, but she just doesn't want to realize that you're really gone. You're the first girl to really accept her, and stick with her through her ups and downs, and she misses you like crazy. I don't think the fact that your death and Tara's death were within the matter of a couple years helped either. But there's not much we can do about it, but try to get Will help. Yet again, something else that needs to be done. Buffy, you used to be able to fix all of this.

The undead bleach boy nobody seems to really know anything about. I've done my best to be nice to him, especially after you came to talk to me about being his best man at your wedding. I don't understand why he couldn't do it, but it made sense, and it helped me understand you two really cared for each other. I didn't necessarily think it was the greatest idea to have crossed your mind, but then look, I was gonna marry a demon, so I guess in all reality, we're not that different. But the undead wonder just sits in the basement sulking, made an attempt to stake himself. He hasn't been doing much though, does come back a few nights after dark and ask if you're here. Can't stand watching the guy suffer, it's hard, especially since I cared that much about you, just never had the guts to show it.

Yeah, if you hadn't noticed over the past 8 years, Buffy, I liked you… A lot. Thus the whole, dating Cordelia phase and such. I just never had the guts to confess to you how much I liked you. I mean, I've always been a wimp when it comes to girls, and you weren't like other girls, you could have beat the crap out of me without breaking a sweat or a nail. You scared me half to death, and the whole, random introduction the undead after meeting you was kinda strange too. But still, I stayed by your side through thick and thin Buff, I kinda wished you had noticed that. But I got over the fact you could never like me like that, got myself into the Anya thing, and forgot about how I felt for you. Until I lost Anya when Sunnydale went to hell. Losing her made me realize I didn't want to lose you too. That was why I accepted the whole, you and Spike thing, and didn't really make a big deal out of it. I wanted you to be happy and realized that there was probably little way for me to make you happy. Well, other than my stupid jokes and random dances I make up.

But now, you're gone, and I can't tell you that face to face. I guess in a way it's better, just so I didn't have to deal with the embarrassment I would have had to deal with. I wish there had been something I could have done though. Watching you burn in that ring, and then just plummet to the ground was the worst experience of my life. I've never actually felt my heart break before, I just lost it. So did everybody else. I was the first to walk over to your body, Spike was still battling off some monster, watching us run towards you lying on the ground. I don't think he thought you had fallen, I think he thought it was someone else. So he just kept fighting. It was horrific Buffy, to see you lying there, broken and battered, it was like nothing else I'd ever seen. Your eyes were wide open, your mouth was partially open, you've never looked so beautiful or so fragile. You were broken everywhere, Willow wanted to cast a spell to fix you but Giles said no. He said you were gone. That there was nothing this time that could bring you back. It was just to much for you to handle, and to leave you in peace. That made us all start crying, no one cared at that moment. We'd lost our warrior, there was nothing we could do for you Buffy and we all wanted to die right there with you. Spike came over after killing the last of the demons. He said something along the lines of 'What the hell is that thing?' and when he saw you he just broke down. He collapsed to the ground and cried so hard his body was shaking. He kept saying 'no, no it can't be. Love, come back to me.' Buffy, I swear I've never seen anyone be as passionate as he was. We called the paramedics, but when they got there they said you were dead. We already knew that. I don't think I've ever felt so heavy and just terrified of what was going to happen. Miss you a lot Buffy, I don't think a day goes by in this house where someone doesn't do something that reminds us of you.

We all visit you a lot, sitting up there, overlooking the park. Dawn picked out the spot for you. She'll never admit it, but she wanted you to be there instead of buried next to Joyce. It's really a beautiful spot, you can see lots of things, as long as you look straight ahead, you don't see the cemetery behind you. We did it that way, so that you could just forget the unhappy stuff, and look out over something as beautiful as you. I spend a lot of time up there, just thinking about how things could have been, if this mess hadn't happened. If Anya hadn't died, if you hadn't died, how I could have made things different. It really is a place you would love Buffy, I hope you can see it from where you are.

You're gone though, and there's nothing we can physically do to bring you back. I don't want you to ever become a wisp of a memory in my mind. I don't think I could let that happen. I love you Buffy, always have, and always will. Don't forget that, ever.

My love always,

Xander