"Spike?"
"Yes Dru?"
"Talk to us, love."
"Ducks, sweetie, love of my undead, unbeating shriveled up heart, I'm busy trying to take over the world. Can't you talk to Miss Edith yourself?"
"It's not just Miss Edith who wants a talking to... The man in the moon just gave me a very inappropriate look, grrr. But he won't talk to us either."
"Dru, there is no man in the moon."
"Yes there is you just can't see him... He's very naughty, just like you."
"Five minutes, Dru, while I talk to my feeble-minded, half-witted, plain- stupid sodding minions, who never get a job done! Yeah, you in the corner, I'm talking to you!"
"There's an ostrich tapping at my door, and it's in a hurry, a hurry to get to the races. Oh, Miss Edith, isn't it sweet, with that lovely long neck, such a long neck, it makes me hungry for eggs, with marmalade and peaches, just like Mummy used to make. Before Daddy killed her...But Daddy's not going to die soon, is he, Miss Edith? Crumble into piles of dust like my Spike's cigarettes... Spike, are you done playing twist-it with your toys?"
"Get out, you git! Forget it, I'll save you the effort of walking - There we go. Dru, I'm ready for you now."
"You just killed that poor boy."
"He was an idiot. I should get awards for killing people like him."
"What do you think happened to him?"
"What do you mean, what happened to him? He's not here anymore, that's all that matters."
"Spike, where do dead vampires go?"
"Why, pet, are you worried about dying? You know I won't let anything happen to you."
"Miss Edith just had it on her mind a lot, and when she asked me I couldn't say, so I said 'let's ask my Spike, he always knows the answer. My Spike always does.'"
"Right, umm. You mean when they're deader than dead?"
"Yes, when they're floating around like the ashes from your cigarettes fly away to the shadows and rest in ashtrays."
"Oh, well... Dru, I'm not quite sure, and I don't intend to find out anytime soon...Are you even listening to me?"
"We're always listening, my love. Humans bury their bodies, and vampires turn to ashes that smelly people step on in the street. That isn't quite right. It's very sad, and upsetting, that is..."
"Don't let it upset you, love."
"If I ever was taken- "
"Which would never happen- "
"Where would my poor, wretched little pieces end up? We should make a vampire graveyard, one that the Slayer can't come into. It would be so pretty.... Your cigarette glows so red and it has ashes and you put them in the ashtray, you put my ashes in a cemetery..."
"Well, there sort of are places where vamps end up."
"Yes, there are? Oh, Spike."
"Yeah, they end up in ashtrays."
"Like that boy you just staked?"
"Yeah, he'll end up in an ashtray too, the one right here in fact."
"All vampires end up in ashtrays?"
"Yes, love, all of them. They end up in ashtrays everywhere, on garbage cans, on coffee tables- see, vampires are like cigarettes. When someone lights them up, they turn into ashes."
"What if someone stakes them?"
"Umm..."
"And you're smoking a vampire right now. Bad boy."
"Dru, let's not get caught up in the metaphor."
"Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, we should go pick out an ashtray to be buried in."
"Wait, so you think we're going to die? Did you have a vision?"
"I think we're going to line up in front of a fence and dance with the rabbits to the stars. And you're going to smoke yourself up."
"Dru, story's over now."
"No, we'll be a good girl now, won't we, Miss Edith. Tell us about ashtrays now, my Spike."
"Let's say a vampire is going along his merry way, not causing anyone any trouble, and that Slayer comes and stakes him for no good reason, and poof- he's dust. There's a...fairy, yeah there's a fairy that comes with a broom and a dustpan and sweeps him up and puts him in the nearest ashtray so he'll have a right-proper burial."
"A fairy? Ooh, Spike, I think I've seen her."
"It's not a her, it's a him."
"But fairies are girls."
"He's gay."
"That's nasty, Spike. It's a girl."
"Fine, it's a girl fairy."
"And she buries vampires."
"Yeah."
"So that's why you smoke. You're making a memorial for all the dead vampires that are sleeping in your ashtray."
"That's right."
"I think I shall go and put roses by all the ashtrays. They deserve to smell sweet flowers, even if they can't smell."
"You go do that."
"You're such a deep man indeed, grrr. I like deepness in a man."
"Thank you-where are you going?"
"To find some lovely flowers for the dear vampires that don't have any."
"It's daytime right now."
"If I burn up, you'll just have to find my ashtray and leave me roses, won't you, dear heart?"
~
Finito
"Yes Dru?"
"Talk to us, love."
"Ducks, sweetie, love of my undead, unbeating shriveled up heart, I'm busy trying to take over the world. Can't you talk to Miss Edith yourself?"
"It's not just Miss Edith who wants a talking to... The man in the moon just gave me a very inappropriate look, grrr. But he won't talk to us either."
"Dru, there is no man in the moon."
"Yes there is you just can't see him... He's very naughty, just like you."
"Five minutes, Dru, while I talk to my feeble-minded, half-witted, plain- stupid sodding minions, who never get a job done! Yeah, you in the corner, I'm talking to you!"
"There's an ostrich tapping at my door, and it's in a hurry, a hurry to get to the races. Oh, Miss Edith, isn't it sweet, with that lovely long neck, such a long neck, it makes me hungry for eggs, with marmalade and peaches, just like Mummy used to make. Before Daddy killed her...But Daddy's not going to die soon, is he, Miss Edith? Crumble into piles of dust like my Spike's cigarettes... Spike, are you done playing twist-it with your toys?"
"Get out, you git! Forget it, I'll save you the effort of walking - There we go. Dru, I'm ready for you now."
"You just killed that poor boy."
"He was an idiot. I should get awards for killing people like him."
"What do you think happened to him?"
"What do you mean, what happened to him? He's not here anymore, that's all that matters."
"Spike, where do dead vampires go?"
"Why, pet, are you worried about dying? You know I won't let anything happen to you."
"Miss Edith just had it on her mind a lot, and when she asked me I couldn't say, so I said 'let's ask my Spike, he always knows the answer. My Spike always does.'"
"Right, umm. You mean when they're deader than dead?"
"Yes, when they're floating around like the ashes from your cigarettes fly away to the shadows and rest in ashtrays."
"Oh, well... Dru, I'm not quite sure, and I don't intend to find out anytime soon...Are you even listening to me?"
"We're always listening, my love. Humans bury their bodies, and vampires turn to ashes that smelly people step on in the street. That isn't quite right. It's very sad, and upsetting, that is..."
"Don't let it upset you, love."
"If I ever was taken- "
"Which would never happen- "
"Where would my poor, wretched little pieces end up? We should make a vampire graveyard, one that the Slayer can't come into. It would be so pretty.... Your cigarette glows so red and it has ashes and you put them in the ashtray, you put my ashes in a cemetery..."
"Well, there sort of are places where vamps end up."
"Yes, there are? Oh, Spike."
"Yeah, they end up in ashtrays."
"Like that boy you just staked?"
"Yeah, he'll end up in an ashtray too, the one right here in fact."
"All vampires end up in ashtrays?"
"Yes, love, all of them. They end up in ashtrays everywhere, on garbage cans, on coffee tables- see, vampires are like cigarettes. When someone lights them up, they turn into ashes."
"What if someone stakes them?"
"Umm..."
"And you're smoking a vampire right now. Bad boy."
"Dru, let's not get caught up in the metaphor."
"Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, we should go pick out an ashtray to be buried in."
"Wait, so you think we're going to die? Did you have a vision?"
"I think we're going to line up in front of a fence and dance with the rabbits to the stars. And you're going to smoke yourself up."
"Dru, story's over now."
"No, we'll be a good girl now, won't we, Miss Edith. Tell us about ashtrays now, my Spike."
"Let's say a vampire is going along his merry way, not causing anyone any trouble, and that Slayer comes and stakes him for no good reason, and poof- he's dust. There's a...fairy, yeah there's a fairy that comes with a broom and a dustpan and sweeps him up and puts him in the nearest ashtray so he'll have a right-proper burial."
"A fairy? Ooh, Spike, I think I've seen her."
"It's not a her, it's a him."
"But fairies are girls."
"He's gay."
"That's nasty, Spike. It's a girl."
"Fine, it's a girl fairy."
"And she buries vampires."
"Yeah."
"So that's why you smoke. You're making a memorial for all the dead vampires that are sleeping in your ashtray."
"That's right."
"I think I shall go and put roses by all the ashtrays. They deserve to smell sweet flowers, even if they can't smell."
"You go do that."
"You're such a deep man indeed, grrr. I like deepness in a man."
"Thank you-where are you going?"
"To find some lovely flowers for the dear vampires that don't have any."
"It's daytime right now."
"If I burn up, you'll just have to find my ashtray and leave me roses, won't you, dear heart?"
~
Finito