Family ties
Standard Disclaimer: The Magnificent Seven belong to Trilogy, the Mirish Co, MGM and CBS. Thanks to MOG for creating the ATF-Universe. This is an AU.
#.# = flashback *.* = diary entry
Part 1
* 04.09.2002 Dear diary.
I finally did it. I finally told dad everything. Well actually I didn't told him, I yelled at him. I shouted it literally from a rooftop. Oh my god I will never forget his face as he saw me. I don't know what was worse for him, me on the rooftop, me singing with a rock band, me necking that punk, the tattoo, the black hair, those clothes, that I actually should have been in school at that time and that he signed that sheet for my principle that I'm legally off school today, the cops trying to get me and the band from the roof or the crowd below us rooting for us to go on. Just for the look on his face it was worth everything that will come. And it will be bad. He will kill me. ..But where was I? .Oh yeah, after we finished and I came down, the cops nearly arrested me. But Buck and Vin told them that it is okay and that they will handle it. But I think they wouldn't have arrested me anyway, cause they are too scared of dad. He scares everyone away. But that's old. Then I walked up to dad and screamed and yelled and shouted at him. I told him what kind of bastard he is. I told him that he can't do that to me anymore, that I won't accept him to ignore me. And I told him that not just he lost a person he loved. Me too. And that I won't accept it anymore that he shut me and everybody else out of his life. We are a family. Well yeah that was when I saw it. When I saw those icy blue eyes start to sparkle with fire. I saw the rage in his eyes. But as fast as it came it was gone again. He told me that we will talk when he comes home from work, then he told Buck to take me home and then he left. Nothing, there was nothing. I mean what shall I do more? I think I really did everything that could bring the most peacefulness saint into a blazing rage. I mean my father is a mean short tempered bastard that yells at everyone and everyone is scared of him, why can't he show me any feelings. He hadn't showed me any feelings for five years. For exactly five years 2 month and 11 days. Since the death of.Well whatever. When daddy comes home he will call me down to the living room. Then he will tell me that I have house arrest for the next 20 years, then I will disagree, then he will shout that I shouldn't undermine his authority then we will yell at each other about that and then one of us will storm out of the room. Arguing about his authority is the only thing when he gets loud with me. But he shows me no rage no hatred no love no nothing. I hate . *
"What does inconvenience mean in German?" a frustrated voice announced.
"Unannehmlichkeit."
"What?"
"Unannehmlichkeit, Lyndsay. Unannehmlichkeit."
"Oh. And how do you spell it?"
"U.N.A.N.N.E.H.M.L.I.C.H.K.E.I.T. . Unannehmlichkeit. But why did you take German as an elective anyways? You suck in languages. I don't mind giving you coaching in German too, but I don't see the point!"
"It was the only elective that was free and I knew you could help me with. I know you like art but there you suck. More then suck."
"Yeah, yeah I know."
"When does your dad come home?" She asked her best friend that was seated on the bed.
"Don't know around six. Why?"
"Just . well, it is nearly six o'clock. Shall I stay until it's over?"
"That would be fantastic Lynny. Thanks. You're really my very best friend."
"Always sweetie. Always."
"Good. So, you continue with your essay and I continue with my diary."
"Oh boy. I'd love to read that once." Lindsay said with a wicked grin.
"Over my dead body."
"That means in an hour!"
"Stop laughing and go to work."
"Whatever sweetie."
* Where did I stop? . Oh yeah I hate my father for doing that to me. He'll never understand that I feel about it the same way. That I want to talk to him about it. I mean I were 11 when it happened. That day I started writing diary. Yeah. Well I'll continue after my talk with dad. When I'm still alive of course.*
"Oh, Oh."
"What's up Lynny?"
"Your dad just arrived." She answered and looked out of the window behind the desk where she was seated. "And he has a mean stride. That will be hard now."
"I know, I know. I knew it before I started that whole shit. Hopefully I made my point clear."
"I think you did your best. Your." She was interrupted by the shut slamming street door. A little frightened but full of expectance she looked at her best friend. They waited. First there was nothing. Just silence. Then they heard someone on the steps. The door opened and in it stood Lyndsays best friends father. He held a stoic face. Arms cross in front of his chest. "Dad. I give Lyndsay some coaching."
"Whatever. Good evening, Lyndsay."
"Good evening, sir."
"I want to talk to you, child. In the living room." He said in a strangely controlled voice. Then he saw something, that made his blood nearly began to boil. He stormed in the room and grabbed a picture from the nightstand. It was a picture of someone he forbid his kid to have. "Dad no. Give it back." But he didn't listened. He just turned around and ran out of the room. While he descended the stairs he yell. "I want to see you downstairs."
Part 2
"Wow. That was strange. I mean . he didn't smashed the picture like the last times. I'm scared for you sweetie. I think your dad will really do something tonight." Lindsay announced in shaking voice. Her friend just nodded and continued to stare at the door. "You really wanna go downstairs alone?" Her friend just nodded again. "Sweetie . that's suicide."
" It's okay Lyndsay. It'll probably just become loud. And you know the idiom: barking dogs don't bite. That's also a German one by the way."
"Okay, but if I don't hear anything I'll come down in five minutes. And don't try to argue with me. Got it.?"
"Got it. See ya." Lyndsays best friend said, stood up from the bed and walked down in the living room. The clock ticked unstoppable. 1-2-3 minutes and Lynn didn't heard one thing. 4-5 nothing. As the sixth minute had passed she stood up and followed her friend. As she reached the last step the street door opened. "Hi Lynn."
"Lyndsay. What are you doing downstairs all on your own?"
"Hi Adam. Mrs. Larabee. You already heard what Jess did?"
"Yeah I heard she gave a concert on the street instead of being in school, and I will have a very serious talk with her about skipping school. Oh by the way I saw the car of . Lyndsay, what's up?" Sarah Larabee asked in a curious voice.
"That's the reason why I'm downstairs. Your husband is at home. And they are in the living room. He wanted to talk to her there."
"About skipping school? He didn't really showed interest in those things lately."
"Lately. . Sorry Ma'am. Ehm, well Jess didn't really skipped school. Your husband signed yesterday a sheet for the principle so she was actually legally off school day. And giving a concert . on a rooftop . is not the only thing she did. She now has a tattoo, black hair and very modern cloths. And your husband saw everything. Afterwards she yelled at him for his behavior . lately. Well and now they are downstairs for about 10 minutes and I haven't heard one thing. I'm a little frightened for her." Lyndsay explained. Jess' mother looked at her strangely and all three went fast to the living room. And what they saw were .
Jess stepped down the stairs and into the living room. Her father sat laid- back on the leather couch, had a drink in his hand, vodka Jess assumed, and stared at the picture on the table in front of him with a forlorn look. He said nothing. Jess didn't know what to do. She expected him to began a triad about her behavior the moment she set a foot in the living room. But she didn't even know if he noticed her coming in. She really didn't know how to approach him. But she knew better not to desert him. So she decided to wait for him to take the first step. She sat down on the arm chair next to the couch and waited. The silence stretched to five then ten minutes.. Jess began to become very nervous. Her father hadn't said one thing nor did he move a bit. She heard Lyndsay and her mom talk about something in the hall and saw them appear in the entrance of the living room. But she didn't said anything to them. Just as she wanted to say something he asked: "Am I really behaving as such an jerk to you and your mom and brother?"
"Yeah. I know you hate me now. And I know mom will hate me now cause she always said not to say anything about it to you. That we shall keep quite about what happened and about your nightmares and about your behavior. We shall just accept it and that we shall just forget him and it will become better one day. But I can't take it anymore dad. I can't and I won't forget about him. Cause I love him. Still love him. And I want to know more about him and Buck and mom can't or don't want to help me. And I don't know if you actually love me anymore. You don't show me anything. You know those parties, my always going out and being late, those boys, today .I did everything for you to become angry and to hate me. Cause that's at least one feeling and that would mean that you recognize me and that I mean anything to you." Jess said in an angered voice and she hoped she could bring her father to show a feeling. But he didn't moved one bit nor did his face changed nor did his look went away from the picture. He said nothing again. "Dad your still doing it. I hate you for it. I hate you!" Jess screamed jumped up and ran to the door. Her mother came in and had a shocked look in her face and said: "Jessica, you will immediately say your sorry to you father. He don't deserve to be treated like that."
"I won't. I mean every single word of it. Just look at him mom. He's just a stoic coldhearted bastard."
"Jessica Hunter Larabee. That's enough. You'll apologize to your father for saying something like that and then you will go to your room and I will come by and we will have a long talk about your behavior."
"She's right." Suddenly a small voice said. Sarah and everybody else nearly missed it.
"What?"
"I said she is right, Sarah. Jess is right. I am a stoic coldhearted bastard. I treat you all like shit and you don't even know why. To say the truth I don't know why." Nobody said a word or moved. They just stared at him as he still sat in the same spot like a statue. "Jesse is right to question my behavior. I really didn't show her nor Adam nor you much feelings." That was the last thing Jesse expected. She would have expected everything but him to say that she was right. "I .I think, I am scared. I think I keep you at arms length that it won't hurt so much when I loose you. .Yeah I think I'm simply scared. And it is right Jesse I don't talk about what happened and I don't want to be reminded of it in anyway, cause it hurts to much. Jess take your picture and put it back. And would you all just leave me alone?!" Chris said tightly.
"But."
"Sarah, please." He begged. Slightly nodding her head she turned around and went after Adam and Lyndsay out of the room. Jess just stood there and watched her father. But as he still didn't move a muscle she took the picture and turned to leave. Just as she reached the door her father said. "You have the same eyes like he had." Jess stood in the doorway and answered: "Yeah. I know. We have the same eye color."
"I didn't mean that." Now Jesse turned around and their eyes met. Slowly she walked back to the arm chair she just jumped up minutes ago and sat down, never leaving the eye contact to her father. "No, it's not just the color. It is not just that emerald green. This morning, when you yelled at me your eyes were blazing. Just like his' when we had a huge fight. For one moment I really had the impression your uncle stands in front of me and I wanted to yell at him. I actually saw him standing in front of me. But then the moment were gone and I was totally lost. I nearly broke down and cried. That's why I left you standing there like I did. Then back in the bureau when Buck came back he went straight in my office and started yelling at me about my reaction and everything. He let everything out. He bellowed for over half an hour. I think not just JD learned a few words. I mean that man has a vocabulary. Amazing. Or shall I say horrifying?"
"Yeah I know. As huge as is ability for creating new and mean practical jokes."
"Don't start with that. I mean I really suffered enough of those. My whole life I was at the receiving end of those. And believe me, I suffered the most when he and your uncle were together."
"Ez did practical jokes?" Jesse shouted in surprise.
"Yeah, your uncle Ezra did practical jokes. His were actually worse than Bucks. But the worst was when they were together. I suffered day in day out." And he smiled a half side smile.
"Dad, would you tell me a bit more about Ez. I know you said you don't want to, but you already started and ."
"Don't be angry, but .maybe one other time. I need to come to terms for myself first. And you've got a friend waiting in your room." Chris said carefully.
"Okay dad. Maybe we can come to terms with each other too." She answered in an equal voice like him and stood to leave again.
"Yeah. Hopefully." There eyes met again and there was a slight understanding in them. She was nearly out of the door as her father called out to her once again. "Ehm Jesse, those cloths are just for today, the tattoo is removable and the color in your hair will wash out, right?!" Jesse looked down on herself. She looked at her jeans that sat very low on her hips and were just held up by the zipper and at her black top that showed more that it hide. Then she grabbed at her back where a big tattoo covered the whole lower part of her back and finally she twisted her eyes to look at her black hair. Afterwards she smiled shyly at her father and answered: "No, those cloths are my normal attire, I really do like my hairs black and the tattoo is permanent. But you already imagined, right?"
"Yeah, yeah, but a father can hope." He said beaten.
"Go on dreaming dad. Go on dreaming." His daughter laughed and walked finally out of the door. Yeah, she thought, maybe we really can come to terms again.
Standard Disclaimer: The Magnificent Seven belong to Trilogy, the Mirish Co, MGM and CBS. Thanks to MOG for creating the ATF-Universe. This is an AU.
#.# = flashback *.* = diary entry
Part 1
* 04.09.2002 Dear diary.
I finally did it. I finally told dad everything. Well actually I didn't told him, I yelled at him. I shouted it literally from a rooftop. Oh my god I will never forget his face as he saw me. I don't know what was worse for him, me on the rooftop, me singing with a rock band, me necking that punk, the tattoo, the black hair, those clothes, that I actually should have been in school at that time and that he signed that sheet for my principle that I'm legally off school today, the cops trying to get me and the band from the roof or the crowd below us rooting for us to go on. Just for the look on his face it was worth everything that will come. And it will be bad. He will kill me. ..But where was I? .Oh yeah, after we finished and I came down, the cops nearly arrested me. But Buck and Vin told them that it is okay and that they will handle it. But I think they wouldn't have arrested me anyway, cause they are too scared of dad. He scares everyone away. But that's old. Then I walked up to dad and screamed and yelled and shouted at him. I told him what kind of bastard he is. I told him that he can't do that to me anymore, that I won't accept him to ignore me. And I told him that not just he lost a person he loved. Me too. And that I won't accept it anymore that he shut me and everybody else out of his life. We are a family. Well yeah that was when I saw it. When I saw those icy blue eyes start to sparkle with fire. I saw the rage in his eyes. But as fast as it came it was gone again. He told me that we will talk when he comes home from work, then he told Buck to take me home and then he left. Nothing, there was nothing. I mean what shall I do more? I think I really did everything that could bring the most peacefulness saint into a blazing rage. I mean my father is a mean short tempered bastard that yells at everyone and everyone is scared of him, why can't he show me any feelings. He hadn't showed me any feelings for five years. For exactly five years 2 month and 11 days. Since the death of.Well whatever. When daddy comes home he will call me down to the living room. Then he will tell me that I have house arrest for the next 20 years, then I will disagree, then he will shout that I shouldn't undermine his authority then we will yell at each other about that and then one of us will storm out of the room. Arguing about his authority is the only thing when he gets loud with me. But he shows me no rage no hatred no love no nothing. I hate . *
"What does inconvenience mean in German?" a frustrated voice announced.
"Unannehmlichkeit."
"What?"
"Unannehmlichkeit, Lyndsay. Unannehmlichkeit."
"Oh. And how do you spell it?"
"U.N.A.N.N.E.H.M.L.I.C.H.K.E.I.T. . Unannehmlichkeit. But why did you take German as an elective anyways? You suck in languages. I don't mind giving you coaching in German too, but I don't see the point!"
"It was the only elective that was free and I knew you could help me with. I know you like art but there you suck. More then suck."
"Yeah, yeah I know."
"When does your dad come home?" She asked her best friend that was seated on the bed.
"Don't know around six. Why?"
"Just . well, it is nearly six o'clock. Shall I stay until it's over?"
"That would be fantastic Lynny. Thanks. You're really my very best friend."
"Always sweetie. Always."
"Good. So, you continue with your essay and I continue with my diary."
"Oh boy. I'd love to read that once." Lindsay said with a wicked grin.
"Over my dead body."
"That means in an hour!"
"Stop laughing and go to work."
"Whatever sweetie."
* Where did I stop? . Oh yeah I hate my father for doing that to me. He'll never understand that I feel about it the same way. That I want to talk to him about it. I mean I were 11 when it happened. That day I started writing diary. Yeah. Well I'll continue after my talk with dad. When I'm still alive of course.*
"Oh, Oh."
"What's up Lynny?"
"Your dad just arrived." She answered and looked out of the window behind the desk where she was seated. "And he has a mean stride. That will be hard now."
"I know, I know. I knew it before I started that whole shit. Hopefully I made my point clear."
"I think you did your best. Your." She was interrupted by the shut slamming street door. A little frightened but full of expectance she looked at her best friend. They waited. First there was nothing. Just silence. Then they heard someone on the steps. The door opened and in it stood Lyndsays best friends father. He held a stoic face. Arms cross in front of his chest. "Dad. I give Lyndsay some coaching."
"Whatever. Good evening, Lyndsay."
"Good evening, sir."
"I want to talk to you, child. In the living room." He said in a strangely controlled voice. Then he saw something, that made his blood nearly began to boil. He stormed in the room and grabbed a picture from the nightstand. It was a picture of someone he forbid his kid to have. "Dad no. Give it back." But he didn't listened. He just turned around and ran out of the room. While he descended the stairs he yell. "I want to see you downstairs."
Part 2
"Wow. That was strange. I mean . he didn't smashed the picture like the last times. I'm scared for you sweetie. I think your dad will really do something tonight." Lindsay announced in shaking voice. Her friend just nodded and continued to stare at the door. "You really wanna go downstairs alone?" Her friend just nodded again. "Sweetie . that's suicide."
" It's okay Lyndsay. It'll probably just become loud. And you know the idiom: barking dogs don't bite. That's also a German one by the way."
"Okay, but if I don't hear anything I'll come down in five minutes. And don't try to argue with me. Got it.?"
"Got it. See ya." Lyndsays best friend said, stood up from the bed and walked down in the living room. The clock ticked unstoppable. 1-2-3 minutes and Lynn didn't heard one thing. 4-5 nothing. As the sixth minute had passed she stood up and followed her friend. As she reached the last step the street door opened. "Hi Lynn."
"Lyndsay. What are you doing downstairs all on your own?"
"Hi Adam. Mrs. Larabee. You already heard what Jess did?"
"Yeah I heard she gave a concert on the street instead of being in school, and I will have a very serious talk with her about skipping school. Oh by the way I saw the car of . Lyndsay, what's up?" Sarah Larabee asked in a curious voice.
"That's the reason why I'm downstairs. Your husband is at home. And they are in the living room. He wanted to talk to her there."
"About skipping school? He didn't really showed interest in those things lately."
"Lately. . Sorry Ma'am. Ehm, well Jess didn't really skipped school. Your husband signed yesterday a sheet for the principle so she was actually legally off school day. And giving a concert . on a rooftop . is not the only thing she did. She now has a tattoo, black hair and very modern cloths. And your husband saw everything. Afterwards she yelled at him for his behavior . lately. Well and now they are downstairs for about 10 minutes and I haven't heard one thing. I'm a little frightened for her." Lyndsay explained. Jess' mother looked at her strangely and all three went fast to the living room. And what they saw were .
Jess stepped down the stairs and into the living room. Her father sat laid- back on the leather couch, had a drink in his hand, vodka Jess assumed, and stared at the picture on the table in front of him with a forlorn look. He said nothing. Jess didn't know what to do. She expected him to began a triad about her behavior the moment she set a foot in the living room. But she didn't even know if he noticed her coming in. She really didn't know how to approach him. But she knew better not to desert him. So she decided to wait for him to take the first step. She sat down on the arm chair next to the couch and waited. The silence stretched to five then ten minutes.. Jess began to become very nervous. Her father hadn't said one thing nor did he move a bit. She heard Lyndsay and her mom talk about something in the hall and saw them appear in the entrance of the living room. But she didn't said anything to them. Just as she wanted to say something he asked: "Am I really behaving as such an jerk to you and your mom and brother?"
"Yeah. I know you hate me now. And I know mom will hate me now cause she always said not to say anything about it to you. That we shall keep quite about what happened and about your nightmares and about your behavior. We shall just accept it and that we shall just forget him and it will become better one day. But I can't take it anymore dad. I can't and I won't forget about him. Cause I love him. Still love him. And I want to know more about him and Buck and mom can't or don't want to help me. And I don't know if you actually love me anymore. You don't show me anything. You know those parties, my always going out and being late, those boys, today .I did everything for you to become angry and to hate me. Cause that's at least one feeling and that would mean that you recognize me and that I mean anything to you." Jess said in an angered voice and she hoped she could bring her father to show a feeling. But he didn't moved one bit nor did his face changed nor did his look went away from the picture. He said nothing again. "Dad your still doing it. I hate you for it. I hate you!" Jess screamed jumped up and ran to the door. Her mother came in and had a shocked look in her face and said: "Jessica, you will immediately say your sorry to you father. He don't deserve to be treated like that."
"I won't. I mean every single word of it. Just look at him mom. He's just a stoic coldhearted bastard."
"Jessica Hunter Larabee. That's enough. You'll apologize to your father for saying something like that and then you will go to your room and I will come by and we will have a long talk about your behavior."
"She's right." Suddenly a small voice said. Sarah and everybody else nearly missed it.
"What?"
"I said she is right, Sarah. Jess is right. I am a stoic coldhearted bastard. I treat you all like shit and you don't even know why. To say the truth I don't know why." Nobody said a word or moved. They just stared at him as he still sat in the same spot like a statue. "Jesse is right to question my behavior. I really didn't show her nor Adam nor you much feelings." That was the last thing Jesse expected. She would have expected everything but him to say that she was right. "I .I think, I am scared. I think I keep you at arms length that it won't hurt so much when I loose you. .Yeah I think I'm simply scared. And it is right Jesse I don't talk about what happened and I don't want to be reminded of it in anyway, cause it hurts to much. Jess take your picture and put it back. And would you all just leave me alone?!" Chris said tightly.
"But."
"Sarah, please." He begged. Slightly nodding her head she turned around and went after Adam and Lyndsay out of the room. Jess just stood there and watched her father. But as he still didn't move a muscle she took the picture and turned to leave. Just as she reached the door her father said. "You have the same eyes like he had." Jess stood in the doorway and answered: "Yeah. I know. We have the same eye color."
"I didn't mean that." Now Jesse turned around and their eyes met. Slowly she walked back to the arm chair she just jumped up minutes ago and sat down, never leaving the eye contact to her father. "No, it's not just the color. It is not just that emerald green. This morning, when you yelled at me your eyes were blazing. Just like his' when we had a huge fight. For one moment I really had the impression your uncle stands in front of me and I wanted to yell at him. I actually saw him standing in front of me. But then the moment were gone and I was totally lost. I nearly broke down and cried. That's why I left you standing there like I did. Then back in the bureau when Buck came back he went straight in my office and started yelling at me about my reaction and everything. He let everything out. He bellowed for over half an hour. I think not just JD learned a few words. I mean that man has a vocabulary. Amazing. Or shall I say horrifying?"
"Yeah I know. As huge as is ability for creating new and mean practical jokes."
"Don't start with that. I mean I really suffered enough of those. My whole life I was at the receiving end of those. And believe me, I suffered the most when he and your uncle were together."
"Ez did practical jokes?" Jesse shouted in surprise.
"Yeah, your uncle Ezra did practical jokes. His were actually worse than Bucks. But the worst was when they were together. I suffered day in day out." And he smiled a half side smile.
"Dad, would you tell me a bit more about Ez. I know you said you don't want to, but you already started and ."
"Don't be angry, but .maybe one other time. I need to come to terms for myself first. And you've got a friend waiting in your room." Chris said carefully.
"Okay dad. Maybe we can come to terms with each other too." She answered in an equal voice like him and stood to leave again.
"Yeah. Hopefully." There eyes met again and there was a slight understanding in them. She was nearly out of the door as her father called out to her once again. "Ehm Jesse, those cloths are just for today, the tattoo is removable and the color in your hair will wash out, right?!" Jesse looked down on herself. She looked at her jeans that sat very low on her hips and were just held up by the zipper and at her black top that showed more that it hide. Then she grabbed at her back where a big tattoo covered the whole lower part of her back and finally she twisted her eyes to look at her black hair. Afterwards she smiled shyly at her father and answered: "No, those cloths are my normal attire, I really do like my hairs black and the tattoo is permanent. But you already imagined, right?"
"Yeah, yeah, but a father can hope." He said beaten.
"Go on dreaming dad. Go on dreaming." His daughter laughed and walked finally out of the door. Yeah, she thought, maybe we really can come to terms again.