** Disclaimer: I only own Zana *************************
Thanks for all the reviews! I'm happy to see that new people are reading my story, and that the usual ones go on liking this! I already finished classes, for Christmas holidays, so I'm at home and I'll be able to write more often. Anyway, as I said, on 18th I'll go to Slovenia and I'll be there until 4th January.. well, I'll go to visit my boyfriend, and no, I'm not in a choir, Hiko- Sama : ) Well, now that Christmas days are close, and that beautiful things happen to people (or this movies say..) I'll make this story change a bit too : ) Thank you all!
************* **************** **********************
His little heart,
It beats so fast,
And I'm ashamed of running away
From nothing real--
I just can't deal with this,
But I'm still afraid to be there,
Among your hounds of love,
And feel your arms surround me.
I've always been a coward,
And never know what's good for me.
-- Hounds of love - Kate Bush
It was late at night when I woke up, with tears in my eyes... the King Arthur had led us to our rooms after discovering what had happened to Fern.. I still couldn't believe that, I was wondering who had killed him.. but the most horrible thing was that I didn't care.. somehow, I was happy to be free of his charge, free of his remarks, of his ideas and thoughts.. nobody was sad.. but after all the difficult situations I had lived, I just needed to cry, happy to be locked in that room ,out of the sight of my friends.
I couldn't tell what time was, it was dark and silent, but I heard steps out of my room. My heart started beating fast, and I sat on my bed. And listened. The steps stopped in front of my door, and I jumped when I heard the knocks. I walked towards there,slowly, and waited for the voice of the visitor. And I smiled.
"Zana, it's me.. please, open the door, I want to talk to you.." Legolas had come to see me, and I couldn't help feeling happy, after the loneliness of the past hours. I opened the door slowly and saw his blue eyes shining in the darkness of the halls. "Can I come in?" His voice was shy, and I let him pass in. I closed and we stared at each other, I didn't know what to say, so I sat on my bed again, while he looked at me, and then around himself, looking for a place where to stay.
"You can sit on the bed too, it's big enough" I said, but he didn't look too convinced. Anyway, after a few seconds, he chose a corner and took a deep breath.
"I wanted to know how do you feel, Zana.. too many bad things had been happening to you, first, the loss after crossing the Fountain of Truth, and now this.." He was quiet, waiting for my reply.
"Don't worry, I'm fine.. it's only that I need time to accept all the new events.. I still can't believe where are we.. on Earth, sleeping in King Arthur's castle.." I looked at the ceiling, at the windows, and then at Legolas, who was looking at me, confused.
"Zana..it's impossible that you feel ok, don't try to look strong in front of me because I know that things are not like this.. I'm here to offer you my help, for anything you need, just tell me.. well, not everything, you know.. I lost all my feelings, yes, but not my friendship feelings.. I love you like a friend, like I can love Gimli or Haldir.. and this is something powerful, believe me.. because my friends are forever, and you're one of my best friends"
"Thank you ,Legolas" I said, and my eyes were full of tears again. "I really appreciate this, because I don't only need romantic feelings, you know" I smiled, and he smiled back too. An uncomfortable silence came. He looked at me.
"Once I kissed you.." That took me by surprise, and I felt my face blushing. His blue eyes widened. "I had never kissed anybody before.. I had never had romantic feelings towards anybody.. but I really had them towards you.. and I can't understand it.. how come I reached that point, because.. all my life were my friends, my father's kingdom, my training and my weapons.. something happened that day I found you in the forest.. and I would like to know what was that.. what was the thing that made me change completely.. so much.." He seemed to be thinking, and my heart was beating so fast. A small smile on his lips told me that he was hearing it, but he didn't comment anything. "And now, once I lost everything, but I still know you.. things look so different.. as if for moments I felt how you think about me.." I blushed again, remembering those words.. that once my heart chose one of them, their feelings would start to develop again. "No.. but.. it's stupid.. I mean.. you love Haldir, and you loved him even when you had the chance to be with me.."
"Legolas.. what are you trying to tell me?" I almost couldn't sleep, I just wanted to run. I felt his gaze on me again.
"Once I felt something so beautiful that I would have done anything to keep it.. and if once I felt it, this can happen again.. I just want to know how to make it happen"
"You can't force those things, Legolas.. they just happen.. and if there's nothing inside your heart, this means that you can't create it.. or at least, I wouldn't like to be loved in this way, if you had to train your heart just to feel something.. I want spontaneous feelings, true feelings.." He nodded.
"I understand.. then, I can't do anything to help you, Zana"
"I didn't ask you for this kind of help" I said, sharply. I got angry all from the sudden, thinking that maybe he had come just to ell me that he couldn't reply my love, as if he thought I was in love with him. "If you came here because you needed to increase your self- steem.."
"What are you saying, Zana?" He was angry too, and he stood up from my bed. "Do you think I would play with your feelings like this?"
"I'm just saying that you're not the centre of the universe, you know? " We looked at each other, and I realised about what I had just said.. I was acting childish, in a stupid way.. as if I was angry because he didn't love me.. yes, I was reacting like a person who loves but is not loved.. I felt so ashamed. I also stood up and walked towards the balcony, leaving him behind, hoping that he would leave the room.. but he didn't.
"What do you really want, Zana?" He was close to me, in the balcony, the moon shining over us. I felt stupid and shy, nervous and angry, all at the same time. He was looking at me with those blue eyes and I really felt small.
"I don't know.." I whispered, and to my surprise, he was smiling.
"Then you're as confused as I am" Things calmed down a bit, and I was able to smile too. I felt comfortable with him, with his presence, and without thinking, I fixed part of his hair, that had fallen over his face. I blushed when I realised what I had done, and he looked so confused that he even couldn't move.
"You. had.. hair.." I stuttered, pointing at his head. I wished that Gimli had appeared just in that moment. Where was the dwarf when we needed him?
"Remember the story about the Glastonbury Tor? About that people change when they go there?" I nodded, surprised with this change of subject. "Do you feel changed?" His voice was a whisper.
"I still don't know.." I thought for a moment.. and I realised that after visiting that hill, coming back to the room, and meeting Legolas.. my heart was a bit less confused.. I didn't want to accept what had happened, but I really felt different.. my heart was different. But I didn't say anything, I just looked at him.
"But something changed.." It was more a statement than a question, he was talking for both of us. "I'm starting to feel it now.." His blue eyes looked around, as if new sensations were coming inside his heart. "It's so strange, but.. I think that the Tor.. yes.. " He smiled , touching his chest, and then looking at me. I felt a bit scared, all from the sudden. What if the Tor..
"Legolas, calm down.. you had just told me that.." I wasn't able to speak any more, because his blue eyes looked at me again, this time with a completely different look. And he smiled. "Legolas, I think that you should go to bed and rest.." But he didn't listen to me. "legolas.." I repeated, and this time he walked towards the door, with a mysterious smile. He looked back, to watch at me.
"Good night, Zana.. and don't worry about anything. You'll see.." And he left me there, so confused that I didn't know what to do.
---------------------- -------------------------- ---------------------- --------------------------
I woke up late, very late.. I took a bath quickly, and then got dressed. Running to the dinning room, where I found al my friends, already having breakfast, I excused myself for the delay. I blushed when Legolas smiled at me.
"This will be your last morning here, Lady" The King Arthur greeted me with those words.
"I know.. but I still don't know where are we going.." I looked at Haldir, whose face was so pale that it seemed he hadn't slept for the whole past days. His eyes were staring at the window, he was lost in his thoughts. Gimli was serious too.. they all, except Legolas and the King. I noticed that Merlin( or Gandalf) wasn't there, but I didn't want to ask. I was already too confused.
"Haldir.." I said, and the elf needed some seconds to react. "Can you please give me the bread? I can't reach it.." He passed me the small basket without saying a word, without even looking at me. I wondered what was wrong.
"Merlin left a letter for you, Zana.. he explains what you have to do.. I already dread it, with his permission, of course.. and I think that a new adventure is waiting for you, and I wish you the best on your journey.. he had to leave, my poor friend.." But we all gave him suspicious looks. Suddenly, he stood up. "I must leave too. I hope everything will go well, it was a pleasure to meet you all and.. good luck" I felt his hand over my shoulder when he left , and I turned back with curiosity, but he had already disappeared. With trembling hands, I opened the envelope, my three friends looking at me.
"Dear Zana,
I'm sorry because I left so fast, without giving an explanation.. few people know about my real identity.. but I'll be brief.. something dangerous waits for you, and you'll need al the help of your friends. More journeys through time.. more people you'll meet.. don't worry about how to find the times, the places.. you'll just be there. But I'll give you some advices.. first, follow your heart always, Zana.. Second.. don't give up , whatever will happen, whatever your friends will make or say.. trust yourself, when the moment will come, you'll only have yourself, Zana.. with my best wishes I say.. see you soon.
Merlin.. "
"What did he say?" Gimli asked, trying to read the paper, but I kept it. Haldir and Legolas watched at my reaction and they exchanged a look.
"If Gandalf wanted her to tell us, this letter would have our names written on it, Gimli" Legolas finally spoke, and then smiled kindly.
"I don't like secrets" Haldir said, sharply.
"What's wrong with you this morning, Haldir?" I couldn't help asking him, and his look was freezing. "Maybe the Tor also changed you?" He became even paler with my words. Suddenly, he left the table.
"What the hell.." I murmured, and Legolas and Gimli went on eating their breakfast in silence, but I ran after Haldir. Anyway, when I reached the halls, I heard voices and I hide behind a column. I knew it was a bad action, but I couldn't help it. Those voices were known to me.
"I can't believe what you told me last night, I'm still shocked.." Haldir was speaking, and I another male's voice replying.
"I know it's difficult to understand.. wen I was told about this I also couldn't believe it.. I didn't bring any memory from my past lives.. but Merlin helped me to remember, he showed me my previous lives, included the one where you come from.." Lancelot was the one who was speaking, and I became more and more curious.
"Thank you for helping us.." Halidr was doubting for a while, as if he wanted to say his name but he couldn't..
"No, Haldir.. here you must call me Lancelot.. and there's no need to say thanks.. if Fern was still here, your mission would have been destroyed, he planned to kill you all.. so I had to do it.." A moment of silence came.. who was Lancelot and why he didn't want Haldir to say his real name?
"Then, my friend.. see you in our next life.."
"Always"
"Goodbye, Aragorn.." I froze when I heard those words.. Lancelot was the reincarnation of Aragorn! Now I was starting to understand his actions better.. but.. anyway..
"What are you doing here?" I was so absent minded , thinking, that I didn't hear Haldir coming. I blushed, he looked so angry. "You heard everything, right?" I just nodded, expecting a big shout or something similar, but he didn't do it. "It's Ok.. " He said, walking with me. "I'm sorry for acting like this during breakfast.. but the Tor changed all of us.. even you, although maybe by the moment you didn't realise.. I'm trying to discover in which way it changed me.. they say you can only turn into something better.. but I only feel sad, depressed and melancholic.. as if I missed something.. or.." He stopped walking, and looked at me. "Or as if I was waiting for something to happen" His eyes looked more confused than ever.
"Forget it by the moment, OK? I already have enough confusion.. I want to leave this place, this century, and finish with everything.. I'm tired of not understanding anything, so please, don't make my life even more confusing" Haldir seemed to accept my petition, because he just smiled.
"I promise"
Thanks for all the reviews! I'm happy to see that new people are reading my story, and that the usual ones go on liking this! I already finished classes, for Christmas holidays, so I'm at home and I'll be able to write more often. Anyway, as I said, on 18th I'll go to Slovenia and I'll be there until 4th January.. well, I'll go to visit my boyfriend, and no, I'm not in a choir, Hiko- Sama : ) Well, now that Christmas days are close, and that beautiful things happen to people (or this movies say..) I'll make this story change a bit too : ) Thank you all!
************* **************** **********************
His little heart,
It beats so fast,
And I'm ashamed of running away
From nothing real--
I just can't deal with this,
But I'm still afraid to be there,
Among your hounds of love,
And feel your arms surround me.
I've always been a coward,
And never know what's good for me.
-- Hounds of love - Kate Bush
It was late at night when I woke up, with tears in my eyes... the King Arthur had led us to our rooms after discovering what had happened to Fern.. I still couldn't believe that, I was wondering who had killed him.. but the most horrible thing was that I didn't care.. somehow, I was happy to be free of his charge, free of his remarks, of his ideas and thoughts.. nobody was sad.. but after all the difficult situations I had lived, I just needed to cry, happy to be locked in that room ,out of the sight of my friends.
I couldn't tell what time was, it was dark and silent, but I heard steps out of my room. My heart started beating fast, and I sat on my bed. And listened. The steps stopped in front of my door, and I jumped when I heard the knocks. I walked towards there,slowly, and waited for the voice of the visitor. And I smiled.
"Zana, it's me.. please, open the door, I want to talk to you.." Legolas had come to see me, and I couldn't help feeling happy, after the loneliness of the past hours. I opened the door slowly and saw his blue eyes shining in the darkness of the halls. "Can I come in?" His voice was shy, and I let him pass in. I closed and we stared at each other, I didn't know what to say, so I sat on my bed again, while he looked at me, and then around himself, looking for a place where to stay.
"You can sit on the bed too, it's big enough" I said, but he didn't look too convinced. Anyway, after a few seconds, he chose a corner and took a deep breath.
"I wanted to know how do you feel, Zana.. too many bad things had been happening to you, first, the loss after crossing the Fountain of Truth, and now this.." He was quiet, waiting for my reply.
"Don't worry, I'm fine.. it's only that I need time to accept all the new events.. I still can't believe where are we.. on Earth, sleeping in King Arthur's castle.." I looked at the ceiling, at the windows, and then at Legolas, who was looking at me, confused.
"Zana..it's impossible that you feel ok, don't try to look strong in front of me because I know that things are not like this.. I'm here to offer you my help, for anything you need, just tell me.. well, not everything, you know.. I lost all my feelings, yes, but not my friendship feelings.. I love you like a friend, like I can love Gimli or Haldir.. and this is something powerful, believe me.. because my friends are forever, and you're one of my best friends"
"Thank you ,Legolas" I said, and my eyes were full of tears again. "I really appreciate this, because I don't only need romantic feelings, you know" I smiled, and he smiled back too. An uncomfortable silence came. He looked at me.
"Once I kissed you.." That took me by surprise, and I felt my face blushing. His blue eyes widened. "I had never kissed anybody before.. I had never had romantic feelings towards anybody.. but I really had them towards you.. and I can't understand it.. how come I reached that point, because.. all my life were my friends, my father's kingdom, my training and my weapons.. something happened that day I found you in the forest.. and I would like to know what was that.. what was the thing that made me change completely.. so much.." He seemed to be thinking, and my heart was beating so fast. A small smile on his lips told me that he was hearing it, but he didn't comment anything. "And now, once I lost everything, but I still know you.. things look so different.. as if for moments I felt how you think about me.." I blushed again, remembering those words.. that once my heart chose one of them, their feelings would start to develop again. "No.. but.. it's stupid.. I mean.. you love Haldir, and you loved him even when you had the chance to be with me.."
"Legolas.. what are you trying to tell me?" I almost couldn't sleep, I just wanted to run. I felt his gaze on me again.
"Once I felt something so beautiful that I would have done anything to keep it.. and if once I felt it, this can happen again.. I just want to know how to make it happen"
"You can't force those things, Legolas.. they just happen.. and if there's nothing inside your heart, this means that you can't create it.. or at least, I wouldn't like to be loved in this way, if you had to train your heart just to feel something.. I want spontaneous feelings, true feelings.." He nodded.
"I understand.. then, I can't do anything to help you, Zana"
"I didn't ask you for this kind of help" I said, sharply. I got angry all from the sudden, thinking that maybe he had come just to ell me that he couldn't reply my love, as if he thought I was in love with him. "If you came here because you needed to increase your self- steem.."
"What are you saying, Zana?" He was angry too, and he stood up from my bed. "Do you think I would play with your feelings like this?"
"I'm just saying that you're not the centre of the universe, you know? " We looked at each other, and I realised about what I had just said.. I was acting childish, in a stupid way.. as if I was angry because he didn't love me.. yes, I was reacting like a person who loves but is not loved.. I felt so ashamed. I also stood up and walked towards the balcony, leaving him behind, hoping that he would leave the room.. but he didn't.
"What do you really want, Zana?" He was close to me, in the balcony, the moon shining over us. I felt stupid and shy, nervous and angry, all at the same time. He was looking at me with those blue eyes and I really felt small.
"I don't know.." I whispered, and to my surprise, he was smiling.
"Then you're as confused as I am" Things calmed down a bit, and I was able to smile too. I felt comfortable with him, with his presence, and without thinking, I fixed part of his hair, that had fallen over his face. I blushed when I realised what I had done, and he looked so confused that he even couldn't move.
"You. had.. hair.." I stuttered, pointing at his head. I wished that Gimli had appeared just in that moment. Where was the dwarf when we needed him?
"Remember the story about the Glastonbury Tor? About that people change when they go there?" I nodded, surprised with this change of subject. "Do you feel changed?" His voice was a whisper.
"I still don't know.." I thought for a moment.. and I realised that after visiting that hill, coming back to the room, and meeting Legolas.. my heart was a bit less confused.. I didn't want to accept what had happened, but I really felt different.. my heart was different. But I didn't say anything, I just looked at him.
"But something changed.." It was more a statement than a question, he was talking for both of us. "I'm starting to feel it now.." His blue eyes looked around, as if new sensations were coming inside his heart. "It's so strange, but.. I think that the Tor.. yes.. " He smiled , touching his chest, and then looking at me. I felt a bit scared, all from the sudden. What if the Tor..
"Legolas, calm down.. you had just told me that.." I wasn't able to speak any more, because his blue eyes looked at me again, this time with a completely different look. And he smiled. "Legolas, I think that you should go to bed and rest.." But he didn't listen to me. "legolas.." I repeated, and this time he walked towards the door, with a mysterious smile. He looked back, to watch at me.
"Good night, Zana.. and don't worry about anything. You'll see.." And he left me there, so confused that I didn't know what to do.
---------------------- -------------------------- ---------------------- --------------------------
I woke up late, very late.. I took a bath quickly, and then got dressed. Running to the dinning room, where I found al my friends, already having breakfast, I excused myself for the delay. I blushed when Legolas smiled at me.
"This will be your last morning here, Lady" The King Arthur greeted me with those words.
"I know.. but I still don't know where are we going.." I looked at Haldir, whose face was so pale that it seemed he hadn't slept for the whole past days. His eyes were staring at the window, he was lost in his thoughts. Gimli was serious too.. they all, except Legolas and the King. I noticed that Merlin( or Gandalf) wasn't there, but I didn't want to ask. I was already too confused.
"Haldir.." I said, and the elf needed some seconds to react. "Can you please give me the bread? I can't reach it.." He passed me the small basket without saying a word, without even looking at me. I wondered what was wrong.
"Merlin left a letter for you, Zana.. he explains what you have to do.. I already dread it, with his permission, of course.. and I think that a new adventure is waiting for you, and I wish you the best on your journey.. he had to leave, my poor friend.." But we all gave him suspicious looks. Suddenly, he stood up. "I must leave too. I hope everything will go well, it was a pleasure to meet you all and.. good luck" I felt his hand over my shoulder when he left , and I turned back with curiosity, but he had already disappeared. With trembling hands, I opened the envelope, my three friends looking at me.
"Dear Zana,
I'm sorry because I left so fast, without giving an explanation.. few people know about my real identity.. but I'll be brief.. something dangerous waits for you, and you'll need al the help of your friends. More journeys through time.. more people you'll meet.. don't worry about how to find the times, the places.. you'll just be there. But I'll give you some advices.. first, follow your heart always, Zana.. Second.. don't give up , whatever will happen, whatever your friends will make or say.. trust yourself, when the moment will come, you'll only have yourself, Zana.. with my best wishes I say.. see you soon.
Merlin.. "
"What did he say?" Gimli asked, trying to read the paper, but I kept it. Haldir and Legolas watched at my reaction and they exchanged a look.
"If Gandalf wanted her to tell us, this letter would have our names written on it, Gimli" Legolas finally spoke, and then smiled kindly.
"I don't like secrets" Haldir said, sharply.
"What's wrong with you this morning, Haldir?" I couldn't help asking him, and his look was freezing. "Maybe the Tor also changed you?" He became even paler with my words. Suddenly, he left the table.
"What the hell.." I murmured, and Legolas and Gimli went on eating their breakfast in silence, but I ran after Haldir. Anyway, when I reached the halls, I heard voices and I hide behind a column. I knew it was a bad action, but I couldn't help it. Those voices were known to me.
"I can't believe what you told me last night, I'm still shocked.." Haldir was speaking, and I another male's voice replying.
"I know it's difficult to understand.. wen I was told about this I also couldn't believe it.. I didn't bring any memory from my past lives.. but Merlin helped me to remember, he showed me my previous lives, included the one where you come from.." Lancelot was the one who was speaking, and I became more and more curious.
"Thank you for helping us.." Halidr was doubting for a while, as if he wanted to say his name but he couldn't..
"No, Haldir.. here you must call me Lancelot.. and there's no need to say thanks.. if Fern was still here, your mission would have been destroyed, he planned to kill you all.. so I had to do it.." A moment of silence came.. who was Lancelot and why he didn't want Haldir to say his real name?
"Then, my friend.. see you in our next life.."
"Always"
"Goodbye, Aragorn.." I froze when I heard those words.. Lancelot was the reincarnation of Aragorn! Now I was starting to understand his actions better.. but.. anyway..
"What are you doing here?" I was so absent minded , thinking, that I didn't hear Haldir coming. I blushed, he looked so angry. "You heard everything, right?" I just nodded, expecting a big shout or something similar, but he didn't do it. "It's Ok.. " He said, walking with me. "I'm sorry for acting like this during breakfast.. but the Tor changed all of us.. even you, although maybe by the moment you didn't realise.. I'm trying to discover in which way it changed me.. they say you can only turn into something better.. but I only feel sad, depressed and melancholic.. as if I missed something.. or.." He stopped walking, and looked at me. "Or as if I was waiting for something to happen" His eyes looked more confused than ever.
"Forget it by the moment, OK? I already have enough confusion.. I want to leave this place, this century, and finish with everything.. I'm tired of not understanding anything, so please, don't make my life even more confusing" Haldir seemed to accept my petition, because he just smiled.
"I promise"