Part 4
"What's really puzzling is how any kind of artificial satellite could alter something so powerful and widespread as the light from a star in such a way that the pulses would be so clear and well-defined."
Sam is still chattering excitedly about her experiments today, and beside her, Thornton nods raptly, offering her everything from agreement to applause. I think if this place weren't a desert he'd be picking flowers for her. I actually feel sorry for the guy, because Sam is in her own world right now and doesn't even see him.
"It's not the how that puzzles me so much as the why," I chime in, poking moodily at the fire. It's almost time for us to call it a night again, and I still haven't told Sam. I keep meaning to, but it's the kind of conversation that Jack shouldn't be around for, and he won't leave my side. He's sitting rather close to me now, as a matter of fact. I'm telling myself it's for the warmth.
"That's a good point, Daniel," Sam says, smiling brightly at me. I love Sam like a sister, I really do, but sometimes I wish she wouldn't get so wrapped up in her work. If she was just a little more aware of what was going on around her, she'd be able to see something clearly off in Jack's behavior. Then I wouldn't have to explain what he's been doing in our tent.
"Maybe it's just supposed to look pretty," Jack offers, leaning his shoulder into mine.
Sam frowns. "No, the pulses are too rapid and too subtle to be detected by the human eye. And I still don't know why it hasn't damaged your vision, sir. The light levels we were reading should have caused serious problems."
Jack shrugs and pats my leg. "Guess I'm just lucky."
"Perhaps that is the purpose of the light pulses," Teal'c says. "Perhaps they alter the light so that the eclipse can be observed without harm."
We all turn to stare at him. Of course—that could be it! Just a harmless spectacle that has nothing to do with how Jack's acting. He could have simply decided he wants to be closer to me, and wanted to take this quiet, safe place as an opportunity to move forward. Maybe the eclipse isn't affecting him at all.
Right. And maybe I really am that lucky, and my life up until this point has just been a fluke.
"You may have something there," Sam says slowly. "Although... the effort required to create an artificial satellite only for the purpose of having a daily, safely observable eclipse?"
"Not likely?" I ask.
She shakes her head. "Not really. There has to be some other purpose."
"Hmm," Jack says absently. He's stroking the back of my neck now. I want to pull away, but that would draw Sam's attention to it. Otherwise I really would pull away. Really.
"You'll figure it out," Thornton says. He's still gazing at Sam. I wish she'd notice so she could tell him to knock it off.
"Sure she will." Jack stands at my side, one hand blatantly resting in my hair. He's sifting his fingers through it, rubbing in little circles. I catch myself leaning into the touch and freeze, slowly drawing back.
"Uh... sir?" Sam is staring at him. She finally noticed his hand on me. Well, crap.
"Major?"
"Is... I mean, uh..."
I jump to my feet, edging to the side. Jack's hand stays in my hair until I move my head completely out of his reach, and then he drops it down to finger my sleeve. "So, uh, it's late," I yelp. "We should get some sleep. I'll take first watch."
"Now, Daniel, that's not fair," Jack chides softly. "You had first watch the last two nights. We should rotate."
"You want it?"
Jack smiles. "Nah, I'll take fourth. First Carter, then Thornton, Teal'c, me, and you take last, Danny. Cause you're such a morning person." He grins wickedly at me and cocks his head to one side, his hand wrapped around the back of my neck. If he pulled, he could kiss me.
Oh, hell. Time to move.
I take two rapid steps back and wrap my arms around myself. Jack watches the movement, his lips tightening. Sam looks back and forth at us, her eyebrows raised.
Jack claps his hands together and grins widely at us. "So, time for bed, kids." He turns to me and gestures with his hands. "Shall we?"
He just invited me to join him in bed in front of the whole team. Oy. "Uh, actually, I just have one thing to do first. I'll, uh, catch up with you."
"Hey, whatever does it for you, Danny," he says, and disappears into the tent. God, did he just say that?
Sam comes up beside me, her eyes on the closed tent flap. "Daniel?"
I sigh and run a hand through my hair. "Yeah. We need to talk." This is the right thing to do. It really is. Jack's not himself, and this is for his own good.
Thornton has already gone into his tent, but Teal'c is watching us, concerned. I wave him over, because he's one of us and I wouldn't want to shut him out. Sam opens her mouth to ask another question, but I put a hand up and shake my head.
"Over here," I whisper. Don't want Jack overhearing.
Once we're out of earshot, I sit on the sand and they join me. Teal'c folds himself into his meditating pose and regards me calmly, which seems to help me settle my nerves a bit. Good old Teal'c.
"So?" Sam asks impatiently. "The Colonel? What's going on?"
"Jack is acting oddly, and I think it has to do with those eclipses."
"How has O'Neill been affected?"
I glance at Teal'c. He always seems to see more than I realize, and I get the feeling he knows exactly what's been going on. He's just giving me the opportunity to say as much or as little as I want.
"You saw him," I mutter, giving Sam an embarrassed little smile.
She nods slowly. "Has he been doing that a lot?"
"Um... well, that, and other stuff like that."
Sam looks at me sagely. "I saw the other stuff. Touching you all the time, staying close to you, that kind of thing. I just thought... I figured that if he was, um..." She trails off, looking flustered. "It wasn't any of my business," she mutters.
"It was just a few little things," I say agreeably. Somehow, I feel better that she did notice. That means I wasn't imagining things.
"Was there anything else?"
I shrug and avoid her eyes. "Uh... he keeps calling me Danny."
She looks unimpressed. "He calls you that all the time."
"Indeed he does not, Major Carter."
I look at Teal'c, startled, and he gazes back serenely.
"It has in fact been years since O'Neill last referred to Daniel Jackson in that way. I believe it is unusual behavior for him now."
I knew it. He sees everything.
"Really?" Sam asks. "I hadn't noticed."
Of course she hadn't.
"Well, it's not something I would worry about normally, but in the context of his other behavior, it does seem odd." Here we go—time to put a stop to this once and for all. It's for the best, really. "We should probably get him back to the SGC. Let Janet take a look at him, just to be safe."
Sam is nodding thoughtfully, her face worried. "All right," she says finally. "For now, we'll assume that the Colonel is under some alien influence. I'm taking command of the mission. Daniel, in the morning you and the Colonel will return through the gate so he can be examined."
"What? The... what? In the morning? And only us?" I'm sputtering. Really have to stop that.
"Is there some reason that's a problem?"
Okay. Be reasonable. Rational. Absolutely do not say you don't know what he'll do tonight, and *definitely* don't say you're not sure you'll be able to tell him no again.
"Well, it's just... how do you know the rest of us aren't affected as well? Shouldn't we all be checked out? What... what if these light pulses during the eclipse are like that light device on P4X-347? You know, the one we all got addicted to?"
"That seems unlikely, Daniel Jackson." Thanks, Teal'c. You're a great help.
"Teal'c is right, Daniel," Sam says, peering at me intently. "That was goa'uld technology, and it clearly affected us even before we went out of close proximity and started experiencing withdrawal. Other than the Colonel, none of us have been acting any differently, and really, what he's doing is harmless. We're only sending him back as a precaution, and I'm asking you to go along to explain things to Janet because there's not much for you to do here. I need to remain so I can continue studying the eclipse, along with Thornton for scientific backup and Teal'c for security."
I look at Teal'c appealingly. He looks back, unblinking. Right. I'm on my own.
"Oh," I say weakly. "That makes sense. I guess I'll take Jack home in the morning."
"Daniel." Sam is closer to me now, her hand on my arm, her eyes big and concerned. "Is something wrong? Has he done anything... um..."
"No, no, nothing's wrong. Jack's just... okay, don't ever, *ever* tell him that I told you this, but he's gotten... cuddly."
Oh, that's going to work. The concern is gone, and she's struggling not to laugh. "Oh," she says, her lips pressed tightly together. "Well, that sounds like a terrible hardship, and if you want to go back right away, I'm sure the Colonel would understand."
"Smartass."
She grins. "Good night, Daniel. Sleep well." She's laughing at me. I just know it. But that's good, that was the idea. As long as she's laughing, she's not asking difficult questions.
So. Just one more night, and we'll get Jack home and things will go back to normal. Which is really what I want. Not much can happen in one night, right?
~~~
The sleeping bags are zipped together again. I separated them earlier in the day, but apparently Jack wants them together.
It's okay. One more night, that's all. I can hold out a little longer.
Jack looks asleep, but I'm not taking any chances. I take my boots and my BDU jacket off, but I leave everything else on. He doesn't stir as I climb into the sleeping bag, but once I'm situated, he rolls over and looks at me steadily, his head propped up on one hand.
"Daniel."
"Jack."
He smiles a little. "So, are we all going back in the morning, or just me?"
"Uh... the two of us, actually." Of course he knows. Jack sees just as much as Teal'c does, and he's not a stupid man, no matter what he'd have us think.
"Danny..." He sighs and lifts a hand, running it through my hair and sliding his knuckles over my cheek. I close my eyes for a second—just a second.
"Sorry, Jack. I know you wanted to stay, but this is for the best. Something is making you act like this."
"I went too fast last night, didn't I?" he says regretfully. "I should have known I couldn't just ignore what I've been doing to you lately."
"It's okay."
He shakes his head sharply. "No, it is *not* okay. Stand up for yourself, Daniel. Tell me that I treated you badly and that you deserve an apology. If I... if I change back, become how I was before, I don't want you to put up with it. *Make* me stay this way."
I realize that I'm rubbing my cheek against his hand and pull back, blinking at him. "If you change back? So you realize that you've changed?"
"Yeah." Jack gives me a sad little smile and leans forward, letting his face touch mine, our cheeks rasping together for a moment. It's not something that's been done to me before, and I'm surprised at how intimate a touch it is. Almost like kissing.
"How have you changed?"
"It's hard to explain," he says, frowning. His hand goes back to idly play with my hair as he speaks. "It's like... I can't hide anything. I can't hold anything back, or lie about anything. All that I say and do has to be the absolute truth. Which sounds good in theory, but considering what I do for a living..."
"It could be dangerous," I finish grimly. "If you were questioned—"
"I'd tell them everything. Right now, I couldn't help it." He moves closer, his legs touching mine, hooking around them. "I know it needs to be fixed. I can't continue leading SG-1 if this condition is permanent. But I don't want to change back if it means holding you at a distance again. Hurting you."
I swallow and look away, until he gently steers me back. "Are you sure you have to tell the truth?" I ask him. "Maybe it's having some other affect on you. Making you feel things for me that aren't really there."
"You really think my having feelings for you is so impossible? That you're so unworthy of being loved?"
I wince and drop my eyes again. "No, no," I mumble, "not unworthy per se, just unlikely that *you* would feel that way."
"It's true," he insists. "I can't say anything that isn't true right now. Go on, ask me something you think I would normally lie about."
Well. Jack O'Neill having to tell the absolute truth. Not an opportunity you get every day. "Okay," I say slowly. "Why did you get... distant? Why did we stop being friends?"
His jaw tightens and he lowers his head, resting it against my shoulder. "It's complicated," he hedges, his voice muffled against my chest. "There are a lot of reasons. I don't think I could explain it entirely, because I don't really understand it myself. It started out just wanting to protect you—and myself. I was letting you get too close. Letting you matter too much. I knew if I lost you, it would hurt so much... I was scared of that. I was worried I would let my feelings influence my ability to lead the team. It would put others in danger. I had to get some distance."
Oh. His arms go around me, and I reciprocate automatically, still try to process what he just said. I guess... okay, that makes some sense. "But you said it started out that way?" I ask. "Did it change?"
He nods, his chin rubbing against my collarbone. "I started to get mad at you. Because I couldn't push you away, you know? I would try for a while, and you'd just sort of... wiggle your way back in. You were impossible to let go of. I was mad at you for not making it easy on me. Not just giving up and walking away. So I started pushing harder, yelling at you, trying to hurt you so you'd give up. But you just wouldn't, Daniel. You wouldn't quit."
"I..." I don't know what to say to that. How could I quit? Jack and the team are all I have. But I can't *say* that to him... any more than he could say how he felt to me. Oh, Jack. It can't be that simple, can it?
"I'm sorry," he says earnestly, lifting his head to meet my eyes. Our faces are almost touching. "I really am. I hate what I put you through, and I know it was pointless. I know you could never just walk away, let us go. We're your family. You couldn't let me go because you love me, too."
I freeze, staring at him. This is just... he... how did he know? *I* didn't even know! I mean... I did, but...
Stop. Take a breath before you pass out. Just think rationally, here—stay in control. Talk this out. You can talk, it's what you do.
"Surprised?" he asks, smiling.
"Uh... you could say that..."
"I've known for a long time. But I also knew that it couldn't happen, that we couldn't compromise the team that way, and it only... hell, Daniel, it only made me angrier with you. Because knowing how you felt made me feel even worse for what I was doing... god, it sounds stupid when I say it out loud. It was a big, stupid, pointless circle."
"Jack... I didn't... I didn't know I felt this way about you. I mean... I don't. Or I do, but I don't..." God, I'm a babbling idiot.
"I know, Danny," he says gently. "You wouldn't let yourself know. You wouldn't let yourself hope for it. You've been disappointed too many times."
I drop my forehead against his shoulder and close my eyes. I can't look at him right now. That was... how could he know me so well? How could he see that much?
His arms tighten around me, and he starts rubbing my back. "I know," he murmurs. "I'm sorry, Danny. I know. I love you too, if that helps."
I stiffen, my skin hot and cold at the same time. He sort of said it before, but I didn't hear it that way. Didn't let myself hear it that way. He couldn't possibly have meant it. I can't let myself believe it, not when there's the slightest chance that this is all some weird alien mind influence.
"Daniel?"
I bury my face in the hollow of his neck and say nothing. There's nothing I can say. This is just crazy... what am I supposed to do?
"It's okay," Jack says. "I know this is a lot to take in all at once. I didn't want to lay it on you like this, but I couldn't hide anything. I can't hide anything. I can't keep myself from touching you or wanting to be with you. Maybe it's that eclipse thing affecting me, but this is the truth, Daniel."
The truth. The words on the stele didn't make much sense, but I do remember the pictogram for 'truth' being featured quite heavily. Maybe... maybe there is something to this. Maybe he really does...
No. That's nuts. What you need to do is stop thinking like this is real, and accept the fact that it's only temporary. Enjoy sleeping like this tonight, enjoy the closeness, but be ready to say goodbye to it tomorrow. This kind of thing never lasts, and you know it.
Right. I should know that by now, shouldn't I?
"Jack."
"Yeah?"
I lift my head to look at him again, and he cups my face with one hand, stroking his thumb over my cheekbone. I close my eyes and lean into it—just for tonight. I can enjoy this one night of being close, but it can't go any further. I can't take advantage of him like that.
"We should get some sleep," I tell him.
Jack looks at me for a long moment with those impossibly soft eyes. Then he brings his other hand up and holds my face, pulling me in. He presses a long, warm kiss to my forehead, and then nods. "Okay," he says. "Sleep. If that's what you want, Danny."
"It's how it has to be."
He doesn't argue with me, but he looks so sad. Oh, Jack. I wish I could believe it's that easy, but it just isn't. Nothing ever is.
~~~
"What's really puzzling is how any kind of artificial satellite could alter something so powerful and widespread as the light from a star in such a way that the pulses would be so clear and well-defined."
Sam is still chattering excitedly about her experiments today, and beside her, Thornton nods raptly, offering her everything from agreement to applause. I think if this place weren't a desert he'd be picking flowers for her. I actually feel sorry for the guy, because Sam is in her own world right now and doesn't even see him.
"It's not the how that puzzles me so much as the why," I chime in, poking moodily at the fire. It's almost time for us to call it a night again, and I still haven't told Sam. I keep meaning to, but it's the kind of conversation that Jack shouldn't be around for, and he won't leave my side. He's sitting rather close to me now, as a matter of fact. I'm telling myself it's for the warmth.
"That's a good point, Daniel," Sam says, smiling brightly at me. I love Sam like a sister, I really do, but sometimes I wish she wouldn't get so wrapped up in her work. If she was just a little more aware of what was going on around her, she'd be able to see something clearly off in Jack's behavior. Then I wouldn't have to explain what he's been doing in our tent.
"Maybe it's just supposed to look pretty," Jack offers, leaning his shoulder into mine.
Sam frowns. "No, the pulses are too rapid and too subtle to be detected by the human eye. And I still don't know why it hasn't damaged your vision, sir. The light levels we were reading should have caused serious problems."
Jack shrugs and pats my leg. "Guess I'm just lucky."
"Perhaps that is the purpose of the light pulses," Teal'c says. "Perhaps they alter the light so that the eclipse can be observed without harm."
We all turn to stare at him. Of course—that could be it! Just a harmless spectacle that has nothing to do with how Jack's acting. He could have simply decided he wants to be closer to me, and wanted to take this quiet, safe place as an opportunity to move forward. Maybe the eclipse isn't affecting him at all.
Right. And maybe I really am that lucky, and my life up until this point has just been a fluke.
"You may have something there," Sam says slowly. "Although... the effort required to create an artificial satellite only for the purpose of having a daily, safely observable eclipse?"
"Not likely?" I ask.
She shakes her head. "Not really. There has to be some other purpose."
"Hmm," Jack says absently. He's stroking the back of my neck now. I want to pull away, but that would draw Sam's attention to it. Otherwise I really would pull away. Really.
"You'll figure it out," Thornton says. He's still gazing at Sam. I wish she'd notice so she could tell him to knock it off.
"Sure she will." Jack stands at my side, one hand blatantly resting in my hair. He's sifting his fingers through it, rubbing in little circles. I catch myself leaning into the touch and freeze, slowly drawing back.
"Uh... sir?" Sam is staring at him. She finally noticed his hand on me. Well, crap.
"Major?"
"Is... I mean, uh..."
I jump to my feet, edging to the side. Jack's hand stays in my hair until I move my head completely out of his reach, and then he drops it down to finger my sleeve. "So, uh, it's late," I yelp. "We should get some sleep. I'll take first watch."
"Now, Daniel, that's not fair," Jack chides softly. "You had first watch the last two nights. We should rotate."
"You want it?"
Jack smiles. "Nah, I'll take fourth. First Carter, then Thornton, Teal'c, me, and you take last, Danny. Cause you're such a morning person." He grins wickedly at me and cocks his head to one side, his hand wrapped around the back of my neck. If he pulled, he could kiss me.
Oh, hell. Time to move.
I take two rapid steps back and wrap my arms around myself. Jack watches the movement, his lips tightening. Sam looks back and forth at us, her eyebrows raised.
Jack claps his hands together and grins widely at us. "So, time for bed, kids." He turns to me and gestures with his hands. "Shall we?"
He just invited me to join him in bed in front of the whole team. Oy. "Uh, actually, I just have one thing to do first. I'll, uh, catch up with you."
"Hey, whatever does it for you, Danny," he says, and disappears into the tent. God, did he just say that?
Sam comes up beside me, her eyes on the closed tent flap. "Daniel?"
I sigh and run a hand through my hair. "Yeah. We need to talk." This is the right thing to do. It really is. Jack's not himself, and this is for his own good.
Thornton has already gone into his tent, but Teal'c is watching us, concerned. I wave him over, because he's one of us and I wouldn't want to shut him out. Sam opens her mouth to ask another question, but I put a hand up and shake my head.
"Over here," I whisper. Don't want Jack overhearing.
Once we're out of earshot, I sit on the sand and they join me. Teal'c folds himself into his meditating pose and regards me calmly, which seems to help me settle my nerves a bit. Good old Teal'c.
"So?" Sam asks impatiently. "The Colonel? What's going on?"
"Jack is acting oddly, and I think it has to do with those eclipses."
"How has O'Neill been affected?"
I glance at Teal'c. He always seems to see more than I realize, and I get the feeling he knows exactly what's been going on. He's just giving me the opportunity to say as much or as little as I want.
"You saw him," I mutter, giving Sam an embarrassed little smile.
She nods slowly. "Has he been doing that a lot?"
"Um... well, that, and other stuff like that."
Sam looks at me sagely. "I saw the other stuff. Touching you all the time, staying close to you, that kind of thing. I just thought... I figured that if he was, um..." She trails off, looking flustered. "It wasn't any of my business," she mutters.
"It was just a few little things," I say agreeably. Somehow, I feel better that she did notice. That means I wasn't imagining things.
"Was there anything else?"
I shrug and avoid her eyes. "Uh... he keeps calling me Danny."
She looks unimpressed. "He calls you that all the time."
"Indeed he does not, Major Carter."
I look at Teal'c, startled, and he gazes back serenely.
"It has in fact been years since O'Neill last referred to Daniel Jackson in that way. I believe it is unusual behavior for him now."
I knew it. He sees everything.
"Really?" Sam asks. "I hadn't noticed."
Of course she hadn't.
"Well, it's not something I would worry about normally, but in the context of his other behavior, it does seem odd." Here we go—time to put a stop to this once and for all. It's for the best, really. "We should probably get him back to the SGC. Let Janet take a look at him, just to be safe."
Sam is nodding thoughtfully, her face worried. "All right," she says finally. "For now, we'll assume that the Colonel is under some alien influence. I'm taking command of the mission. Daniel, in the morning you and the Colonel will return through the gate so he can be examined."
"What? The... what? In the morning? And only us?" I'm sputtering. Really have to stop that.
"Is there some reason that's a problem?"
Okay. Be reasonable. Rational. Absolutely do not say you don't know what he'll do tonight, and *definitely* don't say you're not sure you'll be able to tell him no again.
"Well, it's just... how do you know the rest of us aren't affected as well? Shouldn't we all be checked out? What... what if these light pulses during the eclipse are like that light device on P4X-347? You know, the one we all got addicted to?"
"That seems unlikely, Daniel Jackson." Thanks, Teal'c. You're a great help.
"Teal'c is right, Daniel," Sam says, peering at me intently. "That was goa'uld technology, and it clearly affected us even before we went out of close proximity and started experiencing withdrawal. Other than the Colonel, none of us have been acting any differently, and really, what he's doing is harmless. We're only sending him back as a precaution, and I'm asking you to go along to explain things to Janet because there's not much for you to do here. I need to remain so I can continue studying the eclipse, along with Thornton for scientific backup and Teal'c for security."
I look at Teal'c appealingly. He looks back, unblinking. Right. I'm on my own.
"Oh," I say weakly. "That makes sense. I guess I'll take Jack home in the morning."
"Daniel." Sam is closer to me now, her hand on my arm, her eyes big and concerned. "Is something wrong? Has he done anything... um..."
"No, no, nothing's wrong. Jack's just... okay, don't ever, *ever* tell him that I told you this, but he's gotten... cuddly."
Oh, that's going to work. The concern is gone, and she's struggling not to laugh. "Oh," she says, her lips pressed tightly together. "Well, that sounds like a terrible hardship, and if you want to go back right away, I'm sure the Colonel would understand."
"Smartass."
She grins. "Good night, Daniel. Sleep well." She's laughing at me. I just know it. But that's good, that was the idea. As long as she's laughing, she's not asking difficult questions.
So. Just one more night, and we'll get Jack home and things will go back to normal. Which is really what I want. Not much can happen in one night, right?
~~~
The sleeping bags are zipped together again. I separated them earlier in the day, but apparently Jack wants them together.
It's okay. One more night, that's all. I can hold out a little longer.
Jack looks asleep, but I'm not taking any chances. I take my boots and my BDU jacket off, but I leave everything else on. He doesn't stir as I climb into the sleeping bag, but once I'm situated, he rolls over and looks at me steadily, his head propped up on one hand.
"Daniel."
"Jack."
He smiles a little. "So, are we all going back in the morning, or just me?"
"Uh... the two of us, actually." Of course he knows. Jack sees just as much as Teal'c does, and he's not a stupid man, no matter what he'd have us think.
"Danny..." He sighs and lifts a hand, running it through my hair and sliding his knuckles over my cheek. I close my eyes for a second—just a second.
"Sorry, Jack. I know you wanted to stay, but this is for the best. Something is making you act like this."
"I went too fast last night, didn't I?" he says regretfully. "I should have known I couldn't just ignore what I've been doing to you lately."
"It's okay."
He shakes his head sharply. "No, it is *not* okay. Stand up for yourself, Daniel. Tell me that I treated you badly and that you deserve an apology. If I... if I change back, become how I was before, I don't want you to put up with it. *Make* me stay this way."
I realize that I'm rubbing my cheek against his hand and pull back, blinking at him. "If you change back? So you realize that you've changed?"
"Yeah." Jack gives me a sad little smile and leans forward, letting his face touch mine, our cheeks rasping together for a moment. It's not something that's been done to me before, and I'm surprised at how intimate a touch it is. Almost like kissing.
"How have you changed?"
"It's hard to explain," he says, frowning. His hand goes back to idly play with my hair as he speaks. "It's like... I can't hide anything. I can't hold anything back, or lie about anything. All that I say and do has to be the absolute truth. Which sounds good in theory, but considering what I do for a living..."
"It could be dangerous," I finish grimly. "If you were questioned—"
"I'd tell them everything. Right now, I couldn't help it." He moves closer, his legs touching mine, hooking around them. "I know it needs to be fixed. I can't continue leading SG-1 if this condition is permanent. But I don't want to change back if it means holding you at a distance again. Hurting you."
I swallow and look away, until he gently steers me back. "Are you sure you have to tell the truth?" I ask him. "Maybe it's having some other affect on you. Making you feel things for me that aren't really there."
"You really think my having feelings for you is so impossible? That you're so unworthy of being loved?"
I wince and drop my eyes again. "No, no," I mumble, "not unworthy per se, just unlikely that *you* would feel that way."
"It's true," he insists. "I can't say anything that isn't true right now. Go on, ask me something you think I would normally lie about."
Well. Jack O'Neill having to tell the absolute truth. Not an opportunity you get every day. "Okay," I say slowly. "Why did you get... distant? Why did we stop being friends?"
His jaw tightens and he lowers his head, resting it against my shoulder. "It's complicated," he hedges, his voice muffled against my chest. "There are a lot of reasons. I don't think I could explain it entirely, because I don't really understand it myself. It started out just wanting to protect you—and myself. I was letting you get too close. Letting you matter too much. I knew if I lost you, it would hurt so much... I was scared of that. I was worried I would let my feelings influence my ability to lead the team. It would put others in danger. I had to get some distance."
Oh. His arms go around me, and I reciprocate automatically, still try to process what he just said. I guess... okay, that makes some sense. "But you said it started out that way?" I ask. "Did it change?"
He nods, his chin rubbing against my collarbone. "I started to get mad at you. Because I couldn't push you away, you know? I would try for a while, and you'd just sort of... wiggle your way back in. You were impossible to let go of. I was mad at you for not making it easy on me. Not just giving up and walking away. So I started pushing harder, yelling at you, trying to hurt you so you'd give up. But you just wouldn't, Daniel. You wouldn't quit."
"I..." I don't know what to say to that. How could I quit? Jack and the team are all I have. But I can't *say* that to him... any more than he could say how he felt to me. Oh, Jack. It can't be that simple, can it?
"I'm sorry," he says earnestly, lifting his head to meet my eyes. Our faces are almost touching. "I really am. I hate what I put you through, and I know it was pointless. I know you could never just walk away, let us go. We're your family. You couldn't let me go because you love me, too."
I freeze, staring at him. This is just... he... how did he know? *I* didn't even know! I mean... I did, but...
Stop. Take a breath before you pass out. Just think rationally, here—stay in control. Talk this out. You can talk, it's what you do.
"Surprised?" he asks, smiling.
"Uh... you could say that..."
"I've known for a long time. But I also knew that it couldn't happen, that we couldn't compromise the team that way, and it only... hell, Daniel, it only made me angrier with you. Because knowing how you felt made me feel even worse for what I was doing... god, it sounds stupid when I say it out loud. It was a big, stupid, pointless circle."
"Jack... I didn't... I didn't know I felt this way about you. I mean... I don't. Or I do, but I don't..." God, I'm a babbling idiot.
"I know, Danny," he says gently. "You wouldn't let yourself know. You wouldn't let yourself hope for it. You've been disappointed too many times."
I drop my forehead against his shoulder and close my eyes. I can't look at him right now. That was... how could he know me so well? How could he see that much?
His arms tighten around me, and he starts rubbing my back. "I know," he murmurs. "I'm sorry, Danny. I know. I love you too, if that helps."
I stiffen, my skin hot and cold at the same time. He sort of said it before, but I didn't hear it that way. Didn't let myself hear it that way. He couldn't possibly have meant it. I can't let myself believe it, not when there's the slightest chance that this is all some weird alien mind influence.
"Daniel?"
I bury my face in the hollow of his neck and say nothing. There's nothing I can say. This is just crazy... what am I supposed to do?
"It's okay," Jack says. "I know this is a lot to take in all at once. I didn't want to lay it on you like this, but I couldn't hide anything. I can't hide anything. I can't keep myself from touching you or wanting to be with you. Maybe it's that eclipse thing affecting me, but this is the truth, Daniel."
The truth. The words on the stele didn't make much sense, but I do remember the pictogram for 'truth' being featured quite heavily. Maybe... maybe there is something to this. Maybe he really does...
No. That's nuts. What you need to do is stop thinking like this is real, and accept the fact that it's only temporary. Enjoy sleeping like this tonight, enjoy the closeness, but be ready to say goodbye to it tomorrow. This kind of thing never lasts, and you know it.
Right. I should know that by now, shouldn't I?
"Jack."
"Yeah?"
I lift my head to look at him again, and he cups my face with one hand, stroking his thumb over my cheekbone. I close my eyes and lean into it—just for tonight. I can enjoy this one night of being close, but it can't go any further. I can't take advantage of him like that.
"We should get some sleep," I tell him.
Jack looks at me for a long moment with those impossibly soft eyes. Then he brings his other hand up and holds my face, pulling me in. He presses a long, warm kiss to my forehead, and then nods. "Okay," he says. "Sleep. If that's what you want, Danny."
"It's how it has to be."
He doesn't argue with me, but he looks so sad. Oh, Jack. I wish I could believe it's that easy, but it just isn't. Nothing ever is.
~~~