Chapter 7
Hakkai woke with a start when the sun was fully risen, surprised to find that he had actually fallen asleep. Seeing Sanzo in Goku's seat by the window, he poked his head into the smaller room and closed the door when he found both Goku and Gojyo sleeping soundly. "Good morning," he greeted Sanzo, taking the seat opposite. "You're feeling better then?"
Sanzo nodded. "Well enough."
"May I?" Hakkai pulled his chair beside Sanzo's and gestured his intention to examine him.
"You're as bad as the fool monkey," Sanzo complained; but he allowed the healer to check his pulse and breathing and give him as thorough an examination as he wanted.
"How bad is the pain today?" Hakkai asked, his tone encouraging an honest response.
"It's there. Nothing like two days ago." He caught his breath and winced when Hakkai explored the yellowing bruise on his side a little more forcefully. "Damn. You do it on purpose, don't you?"
Hakkai smiled. "Always happy to provide the necessary reality check… Your color's definitely better. And you seem to be breathing easier."
"Yes, and it's easier to talk."
"You've got a way to go, Sanzo." The smile was gone, his expression serious. "Don't push it. I'm good, but I can't work miracles. And we might not be so lucky to have a decent surgeon nearby next time."
"You worry too much."
"And you're too careless. If you won't think about yourself, then have a care for Goku and me. You're exhausting our resources." He smiled again.
"Ch'," said Sanzo. "Your problem. It's your responsibility to look out for yourselves."
Hakkai slid his chair back into its place opposite the monk's and looked thoughtfully out the window for a few minutes. "Things might get interesting if Goku continues looking out for himself as well as he's begun to." The corners of his mouth turned up and his eyes were teasing when Sanzo's met them, questioning. "I suggest you keep that fan inside your robes if you don't want it coming down on your own head next time you take it out."
Sanzo colored very slightly, not realizing Hakkai had witnessed that exchange. "That baka. He wouldn't dare."
"He's been doing some growing up along this journey, Sanzo. And some hard thinking. I wouldn't underestimate him."
"And perhaps you're overestimating. Seems you've become rather fond of him lately. But do you really expect to be able to teach him the kind of healing skills you practice?"
"Yes, I do—to some extent, anyway. What he lacks in native skill he makes up for in commitment and sheer will. And yes, I have become fond of him. And no, I don't think I am overestimating. He's earned my respect. Open your eyes, Sanzo. He is not the kid you found on the mountain. In reality, he's not so very much younger than us, and in some ways he's far older. And while you've been sleeping this last week, he's been growing into himself."
Not having a response, Sanzo looked away and fell silent, again troubled by the uncomfortable feeling he had experienced two nights before when he first realized himself the subtle changes in Goku's look and manner.
* * *
By the time Goku and Gojyo awakened in mid-morning, Hakkai had breakfast waiting and Sanzo was beginning to pack their things, still sore, but so anxious to get back on the road that he was becoming unpleasant company.
As on the previous day, Hakkai greeted them amiably, but was otherwise distant with Gojyo, examining his arm and asking enough questions to determine that his headache had lessened and his behavior was returning to normal, but barely taking time to talk.
"Any more dizziness or trouble with balance?" he asked.
"Only if I move too fast when I first get up," said Gojyo.
"And the arm?"
"A little sore, but not particularly painful. The splint and sling are a bitch. When can they come off?"
"The sling tomorrow, if you're careful not to overdo it and can move your arm without pain. The splint… two weeks. Maybe less if you take it easy."
Gojyo groaned, reaching for his cigarettes on the nightstand.
"Not in here, please," said Hakkai, quick to grab them with the dishes and stray trash he was picking up.
Gojyo gritted his teeth, losing patience. "Join me outside then?"
"I'd prefer you wait a few days. Your brains are addled enough from the concussion without depriving them of oxygen. You survived yesterday without them."
"Barely."
"Try." Hakkai carried the cigarette pack to the other room with the tray and the other things he had picked up.
"Damn!" Gojyo paced to the window, back to the bed, back to the window, his craving growing with his thoughts concentrated on the deprivation. On his next turn across the room, he followed Hakkai and took the cigarettes off the tray. "I'm going out. Are you coming?"
"No. I'm busy. Ask Goku." His voice was as controlled as always, but he slammed a pot into the sink when Gojyo stalked out the door by himself.
Goku had followed Gojyo into the larger room, and, without being asked, had picked up Gojyo's vest and his own jacket. He glanced at Sanzo, rolling his eyes, then continued out the door after the redhead, running to catch up as Gojyo rounded the corner of the inn into the gardens. He nearly collided with him on the other side, Gojyo having gotten dizzy enough from the anger and rapid pace that he was forced to stop and bend over, head down and hands on knees, to catch his breath and regain his equilibrium.
"Bastard," he swore under his breath as he stood up and fumbled to light a Hi-Lite. He took a long drag on the cigarette and promptly went into a spasm of coughing and another dizzy spell.
Goku took his elbow and steered him to the nearest bench.
Gojyo shook off Goku's arm and sat down heavily. "Who the hell does he think he is anyway? I'm getting damn sick of being told what to do. This whole thing is getting to be too damn much trouble!"
Goku said nothing, handed him his vest, and waited for him to calm down.
"How the hell am I supposed to put this on with this crap?" Gojyo indicated the sling on his arm. He threw the vest onto the ground and took another drag on his cigarette, slower this time. Tilting his head back, he blew the smoke out in a long exhalation that released some of his tension with it.
Goku picked up the vest, untied the knot on the sling and removed it, helped Gojyo into the vest, then retied the sling.
"It wouldn't be so bad if he wasn't always so stinking right. He's so damn smug about it," continued Gojyo. Another puff on the cigarette, then he crushed it under his boot. "Fuck. I can't even enjoy this." He stood up and began pacing the gravel walkway.
Goku drew another cigarette from the pack Gojyo had left on the stone bench and lit it, handing it to him when he came back up the path. "You know it's his way of showing how stressed out he is. He worries about you as much as you do about him."
Gojyo sat down again, released another breath of smoke. "Yeah, sure. That's why he's barely even talked to me the last two days, and every time I get near him he freezes."
Goku cringed, knowing the questions he had forced on Hakkai three evenings ago had something to do with that, and realizing that Gojyo had lost his temper as much because of that as because of the cigarette issue.
"If it had been the other way around, he wouldn't have been out of my sight until I knew he was totally well." The second half-smoked cigarette, marginally shorter, went the way of the first.
"He does care, Gojyo, as much as you do, I'm sure. But I think it scares him. I think he's afraid if he cares too much he might do the same thing he did before." Goku looked at his hands, not sure what else to say.
"Well I'm not so sure I care all that much," Gojyo retorted. "Fuck, what the hell am I talking about anyway?" He stomped down the walkway again, angry now that he had shared more with Goku than he had intended to. He lit a third cigarette. "Cripes, I'm wasting these, and it's the last pack I've got." He sat down on a bench at the far end of the walkway and paid more attention to this smoke, getting every puff he could out of the narrow cylinder before he reached the filter.
Goku left him alone until he crushed the butt under his heel, then he walked down and joined him. "Ready to go in?"
"I suppose."
Hakkai and Sanzo were playing cards again when the other two returned. "Did you have a nice break?" Hakkai asked coolly.
"Yes, as a matter of fact we did," Gojyo responded, equally polite. He picked up the novel he had begun a few days before and collapsed onto the bed with it, but found that his head still hurt too much to read, and the words refused to come into focus.
He dragged himself up again to get himself a drink of water, paused, momentarily unsteady again, before walking to the sink.
Hakkai watched Gojyo out of the corner of his eye, his expression darkening when the redhead swayed, ready to jump up and catch him if he passed out; but he gave no other indication that he was paying attention.
Sanzo watched Hakkai and wondered how much longer they would play this stupid game. "Idiots," he muttered under his breath. "It's your turn, Hakkai," he called the brunette's attention back to the card game.
"Yes," said Hakkai, but he didn't appear to be paying much attention to his hand.
Sanzo knew just how distracted Hakkai was when he won the hand himself even though he was certain Hakkai had better cards. He would have felt relieved to finally break for lunch if the silence among the four of them had not been palpable as they sat down together. Even Goku pushed more noodles around his plate than he ate.
"So what's wrong with you, bakazaru?" Sanzo prodded.
Goku's eyes flashed. "I am not a bakazaru."
"Since when?" asked Gojyo, his insult so automatic he didn't think about it.
Hakkai caught Gojyo's eye and shook his head in warning.
Goku slammed the glass he was holding onto the table, splashing soda on the others. "Fuck you." He stalked into the other room, sat cross-legged on the bed, and crouched over his anatomy book.
Hakkai cleaned up their lunch, Gojyo silently falling in to help. "You should get some more rest if you're still dizzy," Hakkai told him. "And if your head still hurts, you should take a couple more of these." He pulled the bottle of pain pills from his pocket and handed two to Gojyo.
"Thanks," said Gojyo. "You were right about the smoking. It made it worse."
"Sorry. I know it's hard on you."
They did the dishes together, the routine task dissipating some of the strain between them; then Hakkai joined Goku in the smaller room, leaving Gojyo and Sanzo to their own resources. "You've been studying hard, Goku. I think you might put the book down this afternoon."
"Neither one of them are in very good shape, Hakkai. If something happens to you, I have to know what to do."
"You can't learn everything at once, Goku. But if you want, I think we might try something else this afternoon."
Hakkai hoped that the meditation and relaxation techniques Goku had to learn to summon his ki might help both of them relax and improve their moods. He took the anatomy book from him and began explaining about ki and the need for concentration and the methods available to clear one's mind and calm one's body to achieve the necessary state. They spent the afternoon practicing, and both returned to the others before dinner in better frames of mind.
After dinner they packed their things and prepared to leave at daybreak, having decided that they would purchase supplies along the way rather than any of them separating to shop for things here. They retired early, Sanzo, Hakkai, and Goku having agreed on a schedule for guard duty; but none of them slept any more easily than they had the previous night.
When Hakkai turned his watch over to Goku and joined Gojyo in the smaller room, he found him thrashing and restless, apparently dreaming. He took a seat beside him and placed a soothing hand on his forehead. He sat for a few minutes after Gojyo calmed, trying again to sort out his feelings. When he finally rose, Gojyo reached for his hand to stop him.
Hakkai stayed, but went as rigid as he had nearly every time Gojyo had touched him or come close for the last three days.
"So that's the way it is," whispered Gojyo, releasing his hand. "I had thought a few days ago that we were coming to a different place."
Hakkai sighed deeply and looked to the window, his face shadowed in the clouded half-moonlight. "You want something from me that I can't give, Gojyo."
"Is it still so hard to let yourself feel?"
Hakkai was silent for a long time. "It's not a matter of hard or easy," he said finally. "I just can't. You know what Cho Gonou was. I can't allow myself to go there again."
Gojyo squeezed his eyes shut, then turned toward Hakkai, reaching again for his hand. "Cho Hakkai is not Cho Gonou. When Cho Hakkai realizes that he has, at last, atoned for Gonou's sins, I'll be here."
Hakkai pulled his hand free and stood up. "Don't wait, Gojyo. It's better if you move on." He withdrew to the other bed and lay on his back staring into the dark.
Neither spoke again. Neither slept.
* * *
In spite of their apprehension, the morning's trip was uneventful and as quiet as it ever got, with all four men absorbed in their own thoughts. Hakkai found more reasons to stop than usual, anxious to give Sanzo and Gojyo frequent opportunities for breaks from the bouncing of the jeep over the rough road.
They shopped at a small village half way to their destination to get food and supplies for the next day or two. Hakkai found a small apothecary to stock up on herbs and teas he could use to allay pain and soothe nerves; he also looked for more pain medication, having nearly exhausted the pills the surgeon had given Sanzo, and knowing that both he and Gojyo were still in need of them, their protests to the contrary notwithstanding. The group stopped for lunch in a small diner, wary of picnicking in the woods, and Hakkai explained to Goku over their meal what each of the herbs he had bought was for and how they differed from each other.
When they got back on the road, Gojyo dozed in the back seat, the crease in his brow a clear indication of his discomfort, even in sleep. Sanzo changed positions repeatedly, finding it next to impossible to get comfortable enough to rest. As the drive wore on, he became steadily more moody, alternately complaining about Hakkai's driving, the irritating direction of the sun, the too-hot breeze, the too-cool breeze, Goku's noise, Goku's silence. When Hakkai offered to stop for a break, Sanzo insisted he not. Goku suggested that Gojyo and the monk change places so Sanzo could use his lap as a cushion and sprawl across the back seat to give himself a break from sitting upright. "No," said Sanzo, he did not need the bakazaru for a pillow.
"Suit yourself," said Goku irritably. "But stop complaining if you won't let us do anything to help."
Sanzo rolled his newspaper into a tube to swat the cheeky boy, but a glance in Hakkai's direction made him think better of it. He sank into a surly silence.
It was mid-afternoon, and they were less than ten miles from the large village to which they were headed, when Goku froze, alert for the trouble they had hoped not to encounter. With Goku's warning, Hakkai had time to drive the jeep into the center of a large clearing where they had a clear view all around. They immediately pulled themselves together, fighting instincts overcoming both their moods and their injuries, and they had their weapons ready before the band of youkai crashed into them from the south and east, scythes and clubs swinging, mad screams deafening.
Hakkai and Goku moved into forward positions toward the outside flanks of the attacking groups, one facing each of the directions from which the attackers advanced. The center was covered by Gojyo and Sanzo, who had taken protected positions behind their vehicle. Hakkai took a pair of the youkai out with ki blasts well before they reached the jeep. He recharged in time to blast two more just before they reached him.
Goku extended Nyoibou into the main body of the group bearing down on him, smashing into one's chest and lifting him on the staff, plowing him into the next pair. As the next ones closed in, he pulled the staff back to a shorter length and flung each end into the heads of creatures coming at him from either side, then spun and raised the weapon to block two huge blades crashing toward him. As he thrust the sword blades back, two shots from Sanzo's gun whizzed past him, dropping the wielders of the deadly weapons.
Gojyo spun the shakujou's blade toward the main body of the attack group, his usually smooth, rapid motion hampered by his splinted arm. As he let the weapon fly, the blade cutting through three attackers abreast, Hakkai ducked and rolled under the feet of the next one coming at him, its sword swiping into the space he had occupied a split second before. It's body fell forward over him, chest exploded by another shot from Sanzo's pistol.
The youkai group was as large as any they had dealt with recently, but the attack was not the coordinated effort they had encountered in the woods or in their rooms. It was clear within seconds that they were not dealing with assassins, but with random wave-deranged youkai whose main strategy was simply a moving wall of brute force, one after another plowing toward them. Sanzo was careful to use Jeep's cover as he fired one shot after another at the youkai, dropping as many as he had bullets for before they reached the vehicle. Gojyo ignored his arm and his throbbing head to cover for him while he reloaded the pistol, barely in time to shoot two creatures as they swarmed past Goku and Hakkai onto the jeep.
Hakkai and Goku were both in the center of the fray, moving steadily farther from the jeep as they pushed forward, dodging blows from blades and clubs and felling one youkai after another, while Gojyo and Sanzo used their weapons to pick off the creatures getting past them. The fight too close and too fast for Hakkai to gather his ki, he was forced to draw the knife he rarely dared to use. He carved his way through the clawing bodies flowing toward him, hacking off arms that sought to stop him with clubs and blades.
When he reached the perimeter of the clearing, the charge had passed him, and he paused for a moment, grimacing at the slick red fluid dripping from his knife and hands. With effort he drove old images of his bloodied hands from his mind and re-sheathed the weapon. As he glimpsed Goku, far to his left, still battling with Nyoibou, he raised his hands toward the dozen youkai still plowing toward Sanzo and Gojyo, ki beginning to glow green in his palms. He screamed warning to Gojyo as a powerful youkai charged over the jeep's hood, raising his massive blade over Gojyo's head.
Hakkai froze for a moment, choking on fear, knowing he could not release his blasts in time. His only awareness was of red and of blood—Gojyo's scarlet hair flying around his face as the blade dropped toward him; the crimson blood of the youkai he had just slain crawling on his arms and hands; the stench of blood in his clothes and hair, its sour tang in his mouth.
His mind registered, in slow motion, the fierce creature's fall before its weapon touched a hair of the red head, its chest blasted by Sanzo's gun. Simultaneously, four other youkai turned from the jeep, bearing down on him, drawn by his warning cry to Gojyo. But he remained, somehow, paralyzed by his fear for Gojyo and the wash of red and blood.
A series of images flashed through his mind in split-second bursts: his arms drenched in blood to the shoulders; his knife sinking into Kanan's belly by her own hand; Chin Iisou's knife slashing through his abdomen as he sank his newly acquired claws into Chin Iisou; Gojyo's red eyes meeting his dying green ones through a veil of red hair and rain; Gojyo tending his wounds, refusing to let him die; Gojyo's red head lying motionless on the floor in the inn, blood matting his hair; Gojyo waiting for his touch and backing off when it didn't come; the pain in Gojyo's eyes when he told him last night not to wait, that he could not give him the love he wanted.
He felt again the longing to die that had overcome him the night Gojyo had dragged his dying body out of the rain. He longed to stop the pain that had driven him to kill until he had lost his humanity. Longed to end the bloodshed. Longed to end the pain he was causing Gojyo now. Longed to give Gojyo a chance to start over with someone who would deserve and cherish his love.
He opened his eyes and watched the four youkai pound toward him, weapons flailing. And instead of releasing his charged ki at them, he closed his hands and waited for them to strike.
***TBC***