Part III

First Kiss: Sanzo

Chapter 1

"You're sure you're okay, Sanzo?"

The monk was cleaning his pistol; he leveled it at Goku. "Ask me again, bakazaru, and I'll shoot."

Goku bit his tongue and continued slicing the vegetables they had bought early that afternoon, clearly unhappy that Sanzo wouldn't allow him to see if he had re-injured himself again. When he finished with the gun, Sanzo picked up the day's paper, but was distracted from the news by Goku's irritated clattering of objects as he prepared dinner. The monk folded the paper in half and slapped it onto the table. "Enough! I said I'm fine."

"And you wouldn't tell me if you weren't. You never do until you drop."

Sanzo growled, picked up the paper again. "Since when do you cook, anyway?"

"Since Hakkai and Gojyo have other things to do."

"Those fools," Sanzo muttered to himself. Aloud he asked, "So Hakkai's been teaching you this, too?"

"Somebody's gotta do it when he's busy or hurt. I'd rather learn than eat the kappa's messes."

The simple meal prepared, Goku crossed the hall to Gojyo's and Hakkai's room, hesitated before knocking. He tried not to listen to whatever argument might be ongoing, keenly aware of Gojyo's anguished outburst, which he had tried not to overhear earlier. He rocked from one foot to the other, hands in his jeans pockets. Hearing silence, he finally worked up the courage to knock lightly.

"A minute." Hakkai's voice was just above a whisper. A few seconds later, the healer cracked the door, then opened it a little wider.

"I have dinner ready if you and Gojyo are hungry."

Hakkai smiled warmly. "Thank you, Goku. I'll be over shortly. I'm not sure about Gojyo."

"Hakkai?" Goku's golden eyes questioned the older man.

"We're fine, Goku. We've worked it out. He just needed a little more time than you to forgive me."

Goku nodded, his concern eased by Hakkai's tranquil tone. "Sanzo's waiting for us to eat."

"We're coming," the healer assured him, closing the door. Hakkai sat on the edge of the bed beside Gojyo, still asleep, and brushed a stray lock of hair out of his eyes, his hand lingering for a moment. Gojyo sighed, but didn't wake. Hakkai left him, latching the door softly.

"Gojyo's sleeping," he told the others. "I decided not to wake him. I don't think he slept more than an hour or two last night. His head is still aching, and he strained his arm this afternoon. I thought it best to let him rest while he can." He took a seat at the table. "I'll fix a plate and bring it to him when we're finished."

Hakkai volunteered little conversation while they ate, but the absence of the tension that had characterized his behavior for the last several days was apparent to both Goku and Sanzo.

"He'll be up to traveling tomorrow, I hope?" asked Sanzo after a few minutes of silence.

"I think so. And you?"

Sanzo rolled his eyes. "Another one… Yes. I'm fine," he declared.

They took a few minutes to review the map, then decided to continue as they had discussed the previous evening, the next town of consequence on the forest outskirts little more than half a day's drive further. The decision made, Hakkai helped Goku clean up, then excused himself and returned to his room with Gojyo's dinner.

Sanzo was restless, alternately reading the paper, playing solitaire, and brooding by the window, drumming his fingers on the sill. Goku joined him after a time, at first just sitting quietly, then asking him about the day's news. He was sure Sanzo was craving a smoke, and determined to take his mind off of it. He asked questions about the news stories until Sanzo lost patience.

"Here." He tossed the younger man the paper. "Read it yourself, baka." Goku fell into silence as he looked over a couple articles, then he retired to the bed on the far side of the room and attempted to study for a while, fighting the exhaustion and headache from the day's exertions and the ongoing sleep deprivation of the last week and a half.

Sanzo had picked up a book of his own, but found his attention repeatedly wandering to Goku. Goku cooking? Healing? Discussing the news? From behind his book Sanzo observed the lanky figure sprawled on his side studying, one arm supporting his head, his face lined with concentration. Goku studying? Focused?… Quiet?!

Sanzo considered Hakkai's admonition to open his eyes and see that Goku was no longer the kid he had brought down from the mountain. He looked for the bundle of chatter and hyperactivity that had filled his days for years in the lean young man across the room, all muscle and sinew under his tan, burnished gold against his white tank top. For a few moments he succumbed to a vague sense of loss for the monkey boy, this displaced almost immediately by a stronger sense of curiosity about this semi-stranger who seemed to have taken his place virtually overnight. Sanzo closed his eyes and his mind against an even more powerful sensation that came with the curiosity, a wave of warmth and magnet-like attraction that suffused his body, although he refused to accept it.

Unaware of Sanzo's attention, Goku turned a page, yawned, and stretched, his brow creasing as he struggled to stay awake. His head nodded over his book, and his supporting arm collapsed under his head, as he lost the struggle.

When Goku was snoring soundly, Sanzo rose and removed the book to the night table, then threw a blanket over him. "Baka," he muttered as he reached to turn off the light.

* * *

Agitated as he was, it took hours for Sanzo to finally succumb to sleep himself. He awakened the next morning craving a cigarette and annoyed that he had overslept. "Dammit," he swore as he rose to the sun already above the trees. Hakkai and Goku had seen to it that his cigarettes were not among the groceries they had bought, and he realized he had not seen his lighter since he had regained consciousness.

Goku curled into a ball and protested when Sanzo attempted to push him out of bed.

"Move it, bakazaru. We should have been on the road two hours ago." He was even more irritated with Goku than warranted, blaming him for his inability to fall asleep.

Goku pulled the pillow over his head. "I'm tired. Why can't we sleep today?"

Sanzo, already out the door and into the hallway, didn't answer him, instead banging on the door across the way. "Hakkai, why the hell didn't you get us up?" he snarled as he barged into the room before either of the men inside responded.

He pulled himself up short when he walked in on Gojyo and Hakkai sharing one bed, Hakkai's arm thrown over Gojyo, both struggling awake at Sanzo's shouting.

"It's customary to knock, asshole," said Gojyo, sitting up and rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

"So I guess you've solved your differences, idiots," observed Sanzo, meeting their eyes and swallowing any surprise he may have felt. It wasn't as if they hadn't all shared beds occasionally when there weren't enough available. "We agreed to leave at first light," he said to Hakkai.

Hakkai rose, drawing his shirt on over his jeans. "You suggested we do so, " he said unperturbed. "But it looks as though even your body deemed a decent night's sleep a priority. You're in a hurry to get where, Sanzo?" He padded over to his backpack, withdrew a packet of tea.

Sanzo glared. "I suppose you don't think we've lost enough time already this week?"

"We have. And as I've argued before, we'll lose more if we run into trouble before we're all recovered to handle it. A good night's sleep, for a change, was well earned, don't you agree?" He flashed one of his more persuasive smiles.

Still sitting on the bed, Gojyo turned aside to hide his snicker, admiring Hakkai's smooth handling of the monk.

Sanzo stalked back to the other room, failing to close the doors. Hakkai and Gojyo heard Goku protest when the monk tried again to push him out of bed. "You've made him mad," said Gojyo. "He'll take it out on the monkey."

Hakkai handed Gojyo his shirt. "Less angry than he was already, I think. And I'm not so sure Goku will get the worst of it if Sanzo becomes unreasonable with him."

"I didn't imagine Goku fighting back when I was half out the other night, then?" Gojyo put his shirt on, then reached for his cigarettes in the backpack near his feet.

Hakkai's lips curved into a satisfied smile. "No, it wasn't your imagination." His eyes followed Gojyo's search for the cigarette pack, then met the redhead's eyes evenly, saying nothing.

"Damn, but you're a controlling bastard," Gojyo said, pocketing the cigarettes without withdrawing one.

"I'll join you outside after we've had breakfast," Hakkai relented.

* * *

Sanzo sat in Jeep's front seat scowling as Hakkai and Gojyo approached, his annoyance at the late start compounded as he watched Gojyo pause to enjoy one last drag on his cigarette. "About time," he said as they took their usual places in the jeep.

"So give a man some room," Gojyo said, pushing Goku toward his usual corner with his booted foot as he climbed into the back seat.

"You've got plenty of space, stupid kappa." Goku kicked him back, but yielded a few inches, and Gojyo didn't argue for more. Goku had been relieved to see Gojyo as relaxed with Hakkai over breakfast as the latter had seemed at dinner, and Gojyo's easiness as he settled into the seat behind Hakkai assured him that the two had indeed resolved their difficulties with each other. "Good, " he thought, "because Sanzo's in a bad enough mood for all of us today."

Goku noted the tautness in the white-robed shoulders in front of him. Sanzo had refused any more pain medication last night and this morning, but he was still moving stiffly and he hadn't asked for his cigarettes yet, clear indications to Goku that he was still sore and in enough pain from the lung injury not to jeopardize his recovery. Hakkai had shown him how to massage tension from his shoulders the other day before meditating to find his ki, and he wondered if he kneaded the muscles of Sanzo's shoulders and neck whether he might be able to help him relax and hurt less. He sighed, frustrated, knowing that Sanzo would reject any such physical contact, even if Goku could get him to listen long enough to explain his intentions. He glanced first to Hakkai, then to Gojyo, and found himself wishing again for the same easy companionship with Sanzo that they seemed to have re-established with each other.

Instead, his interactions with the monk became increasingly strained. Sanzo had no patience for Goku's and Gojyo's usual arguments about the cramped space in the back seat, and he responded curtly enough to shut Goku up every time the boy attempted any kind of reasonable conversation.

Goku grew steadily more jittery all afternoon, plagued by a growing sense of generalized frustration with Sanzo and unable to shake the sense that trouble was nearby.

"What is it, Goku?" Hakkai asked, sensitive to the increased tension in the young man's demeanor.

"Not sure," said Goku, struggling to contain his growing resentment at Sanzo's treatment. "I feel like we're being watched. Or followed. I had the same feeling while we were out the other night, just before Gojyo and Sanzo were attacked."

"We've suspected our movements were being watched at least since we left Yanane's village last week," Hakkai answered.

"Kougaiji's people?" Gojyo wondered aloud.

"Or whoever they're working with," mused Hakkai. "They're clearly more determined to get the sutra. And more determined than ever to stop us. It's certain our progress is not going to get any easier." He frowned, glancing at Sanzo, as aware as Goku of the monk's continued vulnerability.

Goku's fears notwithstanding, they had a respite from further fighting; but all four were highly vigilant and increasingly anxious until they arrived at the next inn early in the evening. They shared a meal in the tavern's common rooms and took a single room for the night, agreeing to take turns standing watch.

Sanzo's already troubled sleep was interrupted twice during the night by Goku's restlessness on the pallet on the floor beside him and by his fretful cries from the nightmares that crept into his dreams. "Wake up, Goku," he had said rather sharply the first time, reaching down to shake him awake. "You're dreaming, bakazaru. Shut up and stop disturbing us."

Goku bolted awake, his eyes darting around the room, then relaxed when he recognized his surroundings and found the others nearby. "Sorry." He shook off Sanzo's hand, buried himself back under the blanket, and struggled to fall back to sleep.

They were all startled awake by Goku's forlorn cry the second time. "Sanzo-o-o." This time he did not awaken immediately to Sanzo's touch, but sat up, curled into a crouch, and whimpered like a trapped and frightened animal.

Sanzo knew, as he had the night in the village nearly two weeks ago, that Goku was reliving the real nightmare of his centuries of isolated captivity and his early terror that Sanzo would abandon him again to that lonely existence. The monk slipped to the floor, wondering why Goku was being plagued now by this old nightmare. He grasped the young man's shoulders firmly. "Goku. Wake up. You're with me. You will never go back there." His voice was soothing, his words almost a mantra. Years ago, he would have gathered the small boy into his lap and held him until he felt secure. It surprised him that he yearned to do that again now; but in the presence of the others, Sanzo resisted even putting an arm around the gangly youth. "Goku, wake up," he repeated, shaking his shoulders.

As Sanzo's voice reached him in the prison of his nightmare, Goku calmed but didn't fully awaken. He shook Sanzo off and curled into a ball, pulling the blanket tightly around himself, shivering.

Sanzo sat on the bed for a few minutes, watching Goku until he relaxed into more natural sleep. His brow furrowed with concern about why Goku's fears should resurface now, and he struggled internally with a sense of rejection, which he couldn't quite identify as such, at Goku's pushing him away rather than seeking comfort from him. His vague feeling of loneliness eventually gave way to the disconcerting confusion that had marked his reactions to the young man's behavior repeatedly over the last few days. He couldn't shake the desire to hold Goku in his arms, yet he flushed with embarrassment when he thought of himself doing that, dimly recognizing, at some subconscious level, that he craved reassurance that Goku was staying as much as Goku himself did.

"Fuck," he said, pacing across the room to the window, overwhelmed by the desire to have a cigarette in hand and a good smoke to clear his mind. "Have any cigarettes on you?" he asked Gojyo, who was on watch by the window.

"Not that I'm about to share with you," Gojyo whispered back.  "Hakkai's probably no more asleep than you or I, and he and Goku would have my hide."

"Screw them," said Sanzo. He sat heavily in the chair opposite the half-youkai. "You might as well get some more sleep and let me take over here, because there's no way I'm going to sleep again anytime soon."

"You got too little rest already tonight, Sanzo, and you already took the first watch. I'll stay up 'til Hakkai's ready to take over."

Sanzo insisted. "No sense in all of us losing sleep. I've been in bed enough this week to last me months. Go."

Gojyo shrugged and left the window, wavered for a moment between the bed Sanzo had vacated and Hakkai's bed on the other side of the room. When he opted for the empty bed, Sanzo snickered. "Idiot. No need to make that choice on my account."

"Mind your own business, asshole."

* * *

Gojyo woke in the morning to the semi-conscious awareness of Hakkai sitting beside him watching him sleep. He opened his eyes, stretched, and smiled back at the monocled green eyes that met his. He reached up and put his arm around Hakkai's neck, pulling him into a slow, deliberate kiss. "Good morning… Do you have any idea how long I've dreamed of starting my day like this?"

"Some." Hakkai lingered for a moment, enjoying the weight of Gojyo's arm resting on his shoulders. "Don't get carried away."

"Where are the others?"

"Breakfast. Sanzo's restless. I'm expecting them back up shortly. And he won't want to wait long for us."

Gojyo frowned. Hakkai leaned over and deposited another brief kiss on his lips, then backed off. "Get up." He tossed Gojyo's shirt to him.

The sound of Goku and Sanzo arguing preceded their entry into the room a few minutes later. "Sanzo, you still can't even take the stairs this fast without getting winded. Your stupid cigarettes sure as hell aren't gonna help that situation."

Sanzo rounded on Goku as he slammed the door open. "I don't remember asking for your opinion, bakazaru. And certainly not for your caretaking."

"Ah, but Sanzo, the surgeon and I both asked him to look out for you," said Hakkai. "Someone has to keep your best interests in mind if you can't be depended on to do so. Are you ready to go?" He smoothly changed the subject.

"I was ready an hour ago. Are you?"

"Just about. We've got a longer drive today. And if we're heading back into the forest tomorrow, we'll have to get supplies." His expression darkened at the thought of re-entering the sparsely inhabited, deeply forested hills.

"Yes. And cigarettes," Sanzo ground out through clenched teeth. "And where's my lighter?"

Hakkai reached into his pack for the lighter, and tossed it to Sanzo. "Cigarettes still aren't on my shopping list, Sanzo. We didn't follow you this far to watch you kill yourself with tobacco. About time you find yourself another nervous habit. What do you say, Goku? Do you think chocolate might sweeten his mood? Candied ginger perhaps? Or shall we find a grandmother to teach him knitting to keep his hands busy?"

"I could use a scarf and hat for the cold weather," Gojyo quipped.

The words weren't all the way out of his mouth before Sanzo descended on him, harisen in hand. Gojyo crossed his arms over his head, protecting himself from the beating. "Hey, enough already! Just because the monkey won't let you hit him anymore doesn't mean you can turn on me!"

"You asked for it," Goku remarked.

Sanzo spun around and threw the fan at Goku. But the wiry fighter was ready for it. He caught it smoothly, drew himself up, and bowed to Sanzo, extending the fan to him. "I believe this belongs to you, Sanzo-sama." When he straightened, he looked Sanzo squarely in the eyes, challenging him.

Sanzo held his gaze for a moment, trying to hang onto his anger, but instead wondering when Goku had gotten tall enough to meet his eyes—or was it something else about him besides height that allowed him to project that illusion? Sanzo slid the harisen back into the sleeve of his robe and turned on his heel. "Let's go, idiots."

Behind his back, Gojyo gave Goku a thumbs up and grinned at him. Hakkai covered an amused smirk with his hand.

* * *

The three found Sanzo less amusing as the day's long drive wore on. They were all plagued by the sense that they were being watched, although even when they stopped twice, prepared to fight, they never caught sight of who or what tracked them. Their nervous tension made them edgy and short-tempered with each other. As his annoyance increased and the lingering pain in his chest and ribs decreased, Sanzo's craving for a smoke mounted until his hands twitched and his mood deteriorated into a sullen brood punctuated by occasional impatient outbursts at the others to shut up or die.

Thinking that Sanzo's temper might be pacified with a little time alone, Hakkai suggested that Goku join himself and Gojyo in their room for a while after dinner. Goku hesitated, but Hakkai assured him that with the door ajar between the adjacent rooms, Sanzo would be in no danger by himself for a while.

When he tired of hearing their conversation about ki and anatomy, Gojyo tossed a deck of cards onto the table between Hakkai and Goku. "That's it. As long as you're learning all this biology crap, monkey boy, it's time you learned a few other important skills." He pulled a chair up to the table, pushed Hakkai's diagrams and notes aside, and began dealing cards.

Hakkai raised an eyebrow.

"What?" asked Gojyo. "You don't agree that gambling is a necessary survival skill? I don't suppose you'd let me take him out to a brothel for a more satisfying lesson."

Goku protested. Hakkai assumed a pout as he picked up his cards. "I thought you'd sworn off women."

"Yes, but if you can sacrifice your time to teach this idiot how to mess with my body, I'd make the necessary sacrifice to insure his education is well rounded." He flashed a smile at his partner, and Goku couldn't miss the easy affection that passed between them. He glanced toward the other room, wishing Sanzo were with them.

When Goku won their fifth hand, after Hakkai had demonstrated his usual luck and skill winning the first four, Gojyo threw his cards down. "And now you cheat not just to win yourself, but to help the damn monkey beat me!"

Hakkai looked wounded. "You question my integrity? I'm afraid he won fair and square, Gojyo." Goku grinned.

"Yeah, sure," said Gojyo, pushing his chair back. "Beginner's luck, then."

Hakkai stood over him. "Are you going to sit here and be a sore loser when your student excels at your game? Ungracious teacher."

Gojyo's skin prickled, and he flushed with the heat of Hakkai's closeness. "Yeah. And what are you gonna do about it?" The back of his hand brushed Hakkai's thigh as he passed.

"Certainly not reward you for bad behavior," said Hakkai, pausing just long enough for his eyes to connect with Gojyo's and for Gojyo to sense the corresponding heat. "Goku, do you want a snack before you go to bed?" Hakkai asked as he reached into the bag of groceries they had purchased that afternoon.

"Nah," said Goku, catching the hungry look in Gojyo's eyes as they followed Hakkai across the room and suddenly feeling unwelcome in spite of Hakkai's invitation. "We had plenty to eat while we were playing. I think I'll turn in… Thanks for the lesson, cockroach. You, too, Hakkai." He closed the door between the two rooms, at once satisfied by the warm feeling between the two men and frustrated by his own sense of isolation.

The room was dark, Sanzo sitting by the window so still he seemed a statue, marble below, with the top of his white robes rolled down below his waist, porcelain above where his black leather turtleneck conformed to his upper body. His blond locks caught the light of the few stars winking between thickening clouds. Goku felt the same warm flush rise in himself that he had seen take Gojyo a few minutes before. Then the statue's hand rose from his lap to his mouth, the orange glow of a lit cigarette trailing between the fingers, followed by the silent intake of breath and slow exhalation of smoke.

Goku's heat flamed into anger, and he crossed the room in barely three strides. "Goddamn you, Sanzo!" He snatched the cigarette out of the monk's hand.

Sanzo stood, violet eyes flashing. "You are not my keeper, bakazaru." He reached for his pack of cigarettes on the window sill.

Goku stepped closer, making a grab for the pack, but caught Sanzo by the wrist instead. "Maybe not. But I am your friend, and I'm not gonna stand by and watch you kill yourself."

Sanzo glared at him, the two so close that the air between seemed to vibrate with the angry tension in their bodies. "Let… go," Sanzo said, his whisper deadly. He tried to step back, but was trapped between Goku and the chair and table. He instead drew himself to his full height and stared down at Goku, his breath hot in the young man's face, his muscles so taut that his tension seemed to cross the charged atmosphere into Goku's rigid frame.

Goku's grip tightened, his gold eyes flame as he met Sanzo's glare. For a moment Sanzo felt burned from the inside out and had to fight the urge to back off and drop into the chair, defeated. He felt his anger melt and flow into a liquid heat that was anything but anger, and a corner of his mind recognized that the discomfort he had been feeling with Goku these last few days rose from his attraction to this new spirited challenger. But as fast as he recognized the sensation, a new rage emerged at himself for falling prey to such feelings. He held his breath and held his stance, no hint of his internal struggle betrayed to Goku.

In the face of Sanzo's fury, Goku faltered and fell back a step, his own anger diluted by the sense of dizziness and confusion that overtook him during the moment that they had seemed connected.

Sanzo sneered at Goku's retreat. He twisted his wrist free, withdrew a cigarette from the pack, lit it, and took a long drag, blowing the smoke into Goku's face, still only inches away.

Goku began to quiver, partly in anger, partly with the struggle to stem the tide of all the other feelings washing over him. He willed himself still, wanting to slap Sanzo, but at the same time overwhelmed by the desire to crush him in a hug and kiss him as he had kissed Yanane. He felt the stirring in his groin that had become too common an occurrence lately, and he turned crimson under his tan, panic and embarrassment displacing his anger.

"Fine, you asshole. See if I care anymore!" He spun away from Sanzo and stormed out of the room, down the stairs, and into the street, the night air cool on his hot skin.

Sanzo dropped into the chair, turning his feelings over in his mind, his cigarette in hand, ignored. He started and scattered ash on the floor when the lit end reached his fingers, burning him into awareness. Crushing the stub in the ashtray, he rose to close the door, then lit another cigarette, watched it burn for a moment without smoking it, then crushed that one as well. "Fucking monkey." He sat in the dark wondering how long it would be before Goku returned, then worrying about his having gone out alone.

No more than ten minutes had passed when he heard Goku's cry deep in the recesses of his mind where the boy's voice had always reached him, no matter the distance between them. "Sanzo-o-o—"

Then silence.

The monk froze, the pain in his chest vivid again as his breath stopped. He scrambled from his seat, grabbing his pistol and shrugging his arms and shoulders into his robe as he threw himself at the door between the two rooms. "Hakkai! Gojyo!"

His alarmed call had the two men leaping out of bed by the time he entered the room. Gojyo reached for his shakujou and thrust past him into the empty room. He spun around again toward Sanzo, his expression questioning, when the expected attackers were not there to assail him.

Sanzo looked from Gojyo to Hakkai. "It's Goku. We argued. He went out to cool off." He didn't have to tell them that he was certain something had happened. It was written on his face.

"And you let him go alone?" Gojyo's tone dripped with accusation, but Hakkai's look stopped him from saying more.

Sanzo's eyes flashed. "I'm not his keeper." But his anxiety showed in the grim set of his mouth.

"Let's go," said Hakkai. Sanzo followed him out the door, Gojyo close on his heels.

*** TBC ***

Iapetus, I'm sorry you had so much trouble reviewing this story. A belated welcome, and thank you very much for your very positive comments. Welcome also—and thanks for your recent reviews—NemKess, Mei Yanohi, Shourin, Saiyuki_Critic, Saiyuki G.H.S.G, dko, and Acern. If anyone else posted a review in the last week, while ff.net was having problems—and you don't see your review up—please take another minute to let me know your thoughts.

I'm glad so many of you found such satisfaction & happiness in the ending to Part II. I really appreciate all the positive response—and I get a charge out of all of you who are blatantly waiting for similar 39 happiness! Blades of Ice, I hope you will find enough action in Part III to satisfy your craving, even if it's not the monk who gets abused this time around.

Sorry for the longer-than-usual wait for this part; my beta reader/editor was really busy last week with her own stories and interviewing for a new job, and I didn't want to post without her excellent copyediting. And by the time I got this back from her, ff.net wasn't cooperating! I hope to get the next chapter up fast. Thanks again for all your reviews!    — Stitcher2ficcer