Yet more randomness. I don't own LOTR or any of the characters.
Chapter 2 - Highly professional lifts and luminous oriental snacks
"Are we there yet?" asked Jam.
"No," said Clodo, "Do you see that big hill?"
"Yeah."
"Do you see those marshes?"
"Yeah."
"Do you see a wall far behind them?"
"Yeah."
"Bordor's in that wall."
"Boooo." They carried on walking.
It had been a week since they left the Fellowship to its fate with the urks. Bordor still seemed a long way off, and they were being followed by something wearing a luminous yellow puffa jacket and that smelt of special fried rice (the something, not the jacket.) Clodo and Jam were getting tired - they had eaten all of their ordinary food, and were stuck with the Pringles that Naladriel had given them.
"This sucks," said Jam, "We're on our own, we're being followed by a luminous oriental snack, we're still far from, but travelling towards, a certain death, and we're eating something that has a slogan and is advertised by a talking head!"
"Geez, cool it," said Clodo, "I'm sure it'll be OK." They had come to the top of a cliff. Jam wasn't very happy, as it was an awfully long way down.
"I'm not happy," said Jam, "It's an awfully long way down."
"We've still got those slinkies Naladriel gave us," pointed out Clodo, "I'm sure we could do something with those."
"What about bungee jumping?" asked Jam.
"OK," said Clodo. She anchored one of them to Jam's feet, and she jumped off the edge.
"Aieee," screamed Jam. After about two minutes, Clodo was wondering why Jam still hadn't bounced up again. Suddenly she heard Jam's voice from somewhere quite far down.
"Clodo!" she called, "We missed out an important part in our plan."
"What was that?" asked Clodo.
"You forgot to attach the other end to something," said a very disgruntled fobbit, who pulled herself back up to the top of the cliff.
"Howdy," said Clodo, "So why are you still here with all remaining limbs?"
"I got snagged on a tree branch, and managed to pull myself up, no thanks to you."
"Goodie," said Clodo, "But a new plan is needed."
So, with the slinkies, a piece of chewing gum, Jam's trusty whistle and 200g of self raising flour, they managed to make a highly professional lift.
"You first," said Clodo.
"Why me?" moaned Jam.
"Because, I have a great knowledge of First Aid. Should you plummet to your end, I would be able to come down and try and revive you."
"But I went first last time..." moaned Jam, "Why don't I stay here at hand with first aid knowledge, and you test the lift."
"What a great idea!" said Clodo, "I stay here at hand with first aid knowledge, and you test the lift!"
"Right," said Jam happily, and stepped in the lift. As the doors closed she suddenly said, "Hey, wait a minute-"
"Bon Voyage," called Clodo cheerfully.
Luckily Jam got down safely, and Clodo followed. They continued on their quest, but Jam was thoroughly pissed off.
* * * * *
"Listen," said Ferry, speaking quietly inside the bag, "Here's the plan. We make no noise at all."
"Cool."
"They open the bag to check we're all right."
"Cool."
"You punch them, while I run for the bushes. Once they've beaten the hell out of you, I'll try and rescue you. Not promising anything though."
"Cool," said Alippin, but she suddenly looked worried.
"All right, all right," sighed Ferry, "We both beat them up, then both run for the bushes."
"Cool!" beamed Alippin.
* * * * *
They clambered up to the top of a ridge. Far below them, they saw miles of stagnant ponds with various supermarket trolleys floating in them. Far beyond all of them, they saw a massive black city encircled by massive walls. In the middle was a tall mountain, out of which spurted water every few seconds.
"I don't think we're in Kansas anymore," said Clodo.
"Duh," said Jam.
"That'th Bwake Cowwidor," said a voice behind them. They span, and saw a small figure (about their size) dressed in the luminous puffa jacket with a carton of chinese food.
"Who asked you?" asked Jam, drawing her light sabre.
"Nobody," shrugged the fobbit sized figure, "But I thought you were talking to poor liddle me. I thought I'd made a fwend."
"Hey..." said Clodo, "You're Bellum!"
"Yeth!" said Bellum, "I knew you'd wemember me!"
"Wem - sorry - remember you? I've never seen you before!"
"Yeth you have!" said Bellum excitedly, "You ran into me in my cave! I thowed you the way out, coth you were lotht, but after I did, I wealithed you'd taken my... my..." Suddenly Bellum remembered, and she leapt at Clodo, "Give back my Preciouth!"
"What?" said Clodo. Normally she would have said something more articulate and witty, but just 'What' is a pretty mean feat when you have hands round your neck. Jam rushed forward, and gave Bellum a sleeper hold.
"That was close," said Clodo, brushing off Bellum, "What should we do now?"
"We should high tail it away from here, Miss Clodo," said Jam, "I don't trust that... that... fobbit."
"Language Jam!" said Clodo, "But I don't think we should just leave it here. It might go to Moron. Can't I keep it?"
"No," said Jam. But at that moment, Bellum woke up.
"Where wath I?" it asked, "Oh yeth! Give me back my Preciouth!" Bellum tried to get up, but found Jam and Clodo and anchored it to the ground with slinkies.
"Hey! No fair! Two againtht one!" it moaned.
"First of all..." began Clodo, "I am not who you think I am. Twas my auntie Albo who took the Thing-"
"Is the here?" asked Bellum excitedly.
"No, she is in Riverstour," said Jam.
"Damn," muttered Bellum.
"But..." continued Clodo, "You've been to Bordor before?"
"Nah - thaw it on a Changing Woomth Thpecial; 'Motht Dethperate Digs'. Lauwenth Llelewyn-Bowen wath telling the urkth that purple wath the way to go, maybe with pink flowerth."
"So that's why he suddenly disappeared..." said Jam.
"Do you know the way there?" asked Clodo.
"I might," said Bellum, "Who wanth to know?"
"I, Albo's niece, and the new bearer of...the Thing!" With that she whisked it out, and held it just above Bellum's head.
"My Preciouth!" hissed Bellum, jumping up to try and get it. Clodo strangely enjoyed holding it just out of reach, and watching Bellum try and get it. In the end Bellum gave up. "Why have you got it?" it panted, "Why do you thay you're the beawer of my Preciouth? Read my lipth - MY Preciouth."
"Not yours anymore," said Clodo, "Nah nah nah nah nah."
Bellum dissolved into fits of wails and sobs. Jam would have felt sorry for it, but every now and then it looked up to check Clodo was watching.
"Shut up," said Jam, "You have a choice - you can either leave us here, where we will almost certainly be captured by Moron."
"No! Me no wanna lothe my Preciouth."
"Or...," said Jam, "You can show us the way on our journey. Then you can stay near the Thing, but you need to admit you have a Thing addiction."
"Okay," said Bellum, "I...I..." It trailed off. It looked like a part of Bellum was trying to fight through. Either that or they wouldn't purchase Special Fried Rice from the Bordor deli. "I have a Thing addiction! Yeah! Go me!" said Bellum. It cheered. Suddenly its lisp was gone, and Bellum looked like just a really butt ugly fobbit.
"Well done Bellum," smiled Clodo, "Acceptance is the first step on the path to recovery."
"Nice Clodo," said Bellum, "Jam. Anyway, Bellum will show you the way through the Whiffy marshes."
Chapter 2 - Highly professional lifts and luminous oriental snacks
"Are we there yet?" asked Jam.
"No," said Clodo, "Do you see that big hill?"
"Yeah."
"Do you see those marshes?"
"Yeah."
"Do you see a wall far behind them?"
"Yeah."
"Bordor's in that wall."
"Boooo." They carried on walking.
It had been a week since they left the Fellowship to its fate with the urks. Bordor still seemed a long way off, and they were being followed by something wearing a luminous yellow puffa jacket and that smelt of special fried rice (the something, not the jacket.) Clodo and Jam were getting tired - they had eaten all of their ordinary food, and were stuck with the Pringles that Naladriel had given them.
"This sucks," said Jam, "We're on our own, we're being followed by a luminous oriental snack, we're still far from, but travelling towards, a certain death, and we're eating something that has a slogan and is advertised by a talking head!"
"Geez, cool it," said Clodo, "I'm sure it'll be OK." They had come to the top of a cliff. Jam wasn't very happy, as it was an awfully long way down.
"I'm not happy," said Jam, "It's an awfully long way down."
"We've still got those slinkies Naladriel gave us," pointed out Clodo, "I'm sure we could do something with those."
"What about bungee jumping?" asked Jam.
"OK," said Clodo. She anchored one of them to Jam's feet, and she jumped off the edge.
"Aieee," screamed Jam. After about two minutes, Clodo was wondering why Jam still hadn't bounced up again. Suddenly she heard Jam's voice from somewhere quite far down.
"Clodo!" she called, "We missed out an important part in our plan."
"What was that?" asked Clodo.
"You forgot to attach the other end to something," said a very disgruntled fobbit, who pulled herself back up to the top of the cliff.
"Howdy," said Clodo, "So why are you still here with all remaining limbs?"
"I got snagged on a tree branch, and managed to pull myself up, no thanks to you."
"Goodie," said Clodo, "But a new plan is needed."
So, with the slinkies, a piece of chewing gum, Jam's trusty whistle and 200g of self raising flour, they managed to make a highly professional lift.
"You first," said Clodo.
"Why me?" moaned Jam.
"Because, I have a great knowledge of First Aid. Should you plummet to your end, I would be able to come down and try and revive you."
"But I went first last time..." moaned Jam, "Why don't I stay here at hand with first aid knowledge, and you test the lift."
"What a great idea!" said Clodo, "I stay here at hand with first aid knowledge, and you test the lift!"
"Right," said Jam happily, and stepped in the lift. As the doors closed she suddenly said, "Hey, wait a minute-"
"Bon Voyage," called Clodo cheerfully.
Luckily Jam got down safely, and Clodo followed. They continued on their quest, but Jam was thoroughly pissed off.
* * * * *
"Listen," said Ferry, speaking quietly inside the bag, "Here's the plan. We make no noise at all."
"Cool."
"They open the bag to check we're all right."
"Cool."
"You punch them, while I run for the bushes. Once they've beaten the hell out of you, I'll try and rescue you. Not promising anything though."
"Cool," said Alippin, but she suddenly looked worried.
"All right, all right," sighed Ferry, "We both beat them up, then both run for the bushes."
"Cool!" beamed Alippin.
* * * * *
They clambered up to the top of a ridge. Far below them, they saw miles of stagnant ponds with various supermarket trolleys floating in them. Far beyond all of them, they saw a massive black city encircled by massive walls. In the middle was a tall mountain, out of which spurted water every few seconds.
"I don't think we're in Kansas anymore," said Clodo.
"Duh," said Jam.
"That'th Bwake Cowwidor," said a voice behind them. They span, and saw a small figure (about their size) dressed in the luminous puffa jacket with a carton of chinese food.
"Who asked you?" asked Jam, drawing her light sabre.
"Nobody," shrugged the fobbit sized figure, "But I thought you were talking to poor liddle me. I thought I'd made a fwend."
"Hey..." said Clodo, "You're Bellum!"
"Yeth!" said Bellum, "I knew you'd wemember me!"
"Wem - sorry - remember you? I've never seen you before!"
"Yeth you have!" said Bellum excitedly, "You ran into me in my cave! I thowed you the way out, coth you were lotht, but after I did, I wealithed you'd taken my... my..." Suddenly Bellum remembered, and she leapt at Clodo, "Give back my Preciouth!"
"What?" said Clodo. Normally she would have said something more articulate and witty, but just 'What' is a pretty mean feat when you have hands round your neck. Jam rushed forward, and gave Bellum a sleeper hold.
"That was close," said Clodo, brushing off Bellum, "What should we do now?"
"We should high tail it away from here, Miss Clodo," said Jam, "I don't trust that... that... fobbit."
"Language Jam!" said Clodo, "But I don't think we should just leave it here. It might go to Moron. Can't I keep it?"
"No," said Jam. But at that moment, Bellum woke up.
"Where wath I?" it asked, "Oh yeth! Give me back my Preciouth!" Bellum tried to get up, but found Jam and Clodo and anchored it to the ground with slinkies.
"Hey! No fair! Two againtht one!" it moaned.
"First of all..." began Clodo, "I am not who you think I am. Twas my auntie Albo who took the Thing-"
"Is the here?" asked Bellum excitedly.
"No, she is in Riverstour," said Jam.
"Damn," muttered Bellum.
"But..." continued Clodo, "You've been to Bordor before?"
"Nah - thaw it on a Changing Woomth Thpecial; 'Motht Dethperate Digs'. Lauwenth Llelewyn-Bowen wath telling the urkth that purple wath the way to go, maybe with pink flowerth."
"So that's why he suddenly disappeared..." said Jam.
"Do you know the way there?" asked Clodo.
"I might," said Bellum, "Who wanth to know?"
"I, Albo's niece, and the new bearer of...the Thing!" With that she whisked it out, and held it just above Bellum's head.
"My Preciouth!" hissed Bellum, jumping up to try and get it. Clodo strangely enjoyed holding it just out of reach, and watching Bellum try and get it. In the end Bellum gave up. "Why have you got it?" it panted, "Why do you thay you're the beawer of my Preciouth? Read my lipth - MY Preciouth."
"Not yours anymore," said Clodo, "Nah nah nah nah nah."
Bellum dissolved into fits of wails and sobs. Jam would have felt sorry for it, but every now and then it looked up to check Clodo was watching.
"Shut up," said Jam, "You have a choice - you can either leave us here, where we will almost certainly be captured by Moron."
"No! Me no wanna lothe my Preciouth."
"Or...," said Jam, "You can show us the way on our journey. Then you can stay near the Thing, but you need to admit you have a Thing addiction."
"Okay," said Bellum, "I...I..." It trailed off. It looked like a part of Bellum was trying to fight through. Either that or they wouldn't purchase Special Fried Rice from the Bordor deli. "I have a Thing addiction! Yeah! Go me!" said Bellum. It cheered. Suddenly its lisp was gone, and Bellum looked like just a really butt ugly fobbit.
"Well done Bellum," smiled Clodo, "Acceptance is the first step on the path to recovery."
"Nice Clodo," said Bellum, "Jam. Anyway, Bellum will show you the way through the Whiffy marshes."