I know everyone hates these author notes, so I won't bother going on for
too long. Thanks everyone who reviewed! And I just noticed that in an early
chapter, Bellum calls Bordor Brake Corridor; this is because I first set
this story around my school, but I changed the names before I put it up
here. I kinda forgot to change that one. oops..
Chapter 4 - The Fashionable Bouncer
They set off down the path to Bordor. Bellum was walking ahead, but every now and then turned to check the fobbits were still there.
"Do you really think it's better?" asked Jam.
"Yes. Either that, or it never had a lisp, and was just putting it on."
"Like everyone said Gareth Gates was, with his stammer?"
"Yeah. But it seems friendly now."
"Who, Gareth Gates?"
"No! Bellum," said Clodo, "I really don't think it'll betray us."
"I hope so," said Jam, "We both know what damage a fobbit can do."
They both looked at each other, then burst out laughing.
* * * * *
They travelled for many day through the Whiffy Marshes. Bellum was very unhappy, but continued to lead them between shopping trolleys and coke cans, and water that had goodness knows what in it. They stretched for miles on end, and at the end, there was Bordor. Whoop-dee-dee, thought Jam.
"Hey, Bellum," said Clodo, "Why are all these ponds so polluted?"
"You don't want to know," said Bellum, "Let's just say Bordor never invested in a sewage system."
"Oh," said Jam, "Ewwwww."
"Icky," said Clodo.
A great stench from rolled off the Whiffy Marshes into the fobbits' faces. Luckily their noses had never really recovered from the Toilets of Toria, so they did not pass out. Others were not so lucky.
"C'mon, wake up, Bellum," said Clodo, "Jam, it's been asleep for ages. You didn't do a sleeper hold on it, did you?"
"No! Maybe it's dead," she said hopefully.
Suddenly the air was filled with 'Boing...boing...boing'.
"What's that?" asked Jam.
"I don't know," said Clodo.
Suddenly they heard 'Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee!'
"Strawberry Salami!" yelled Clodo, "It's the Fashionable Riders!"
"Ai ai ai," said Jam.
"Where are they?" asked Clodo.
They all looked desperately around them. Suddenly Jam spotted a figure rise and fall on the horizon.
"THEY'RE ON POGO STICKS!!" she shrieked.
"This new devilry we could not have foreseen," said Clodo.
"Yeah we could," said Jam, "Pogo sticks are on the cover of all the 'What's hot and What's not' magazines. They're the new 'in' thing."
"Shut up," said Clodo.
"Yes Miss Clodo," said Jam. With that they threw themselves to the ground, covering themselves with the camouflage jackets Naladriel had given them.
"These are useful," said Clodo.
"As well as being in the 'What's hot' magazine," said Jam.
Suddenly Bellum woke up.
"Ahhh," it said, "Twas a Fashionable Bouncer! They want to get Bellum! Poor Bellum! Must use Jam as a human shield." It grabbed onto Jam.
"Noooo..." said Jam, shaking Bellum off, "They want to get Clodo. Clodo."
"Oh," said Bellum, "Okay then."
But Jam began to get suspicious of Bellum. The way it read Snow White, then asked Clodo if she liked apples. The way it read 'Assassins Monthly'. And the way Jam saw it hovering behind Clodo, muttering to itself.
"Bad Clodo, her auntie took my Preciouth, ith mine weally, the thtole it," it muttered. Jam gasped - it was impersonating Gareth Gates again. The resemblance was uncanny.
"What was that Bellum?" she asked.
"Nothing," said Bellum. But Jam noticed that Bellum began to avoid using the letter S in its words.
* * * * *
They drew nearer and nearer to Bordor.
"You weally want to go to Bordor?" asked Bellum, "Bordor vewy dangewo- pewilou- bad."
"Why did you begin all those words," asked Jam, "And not finish them?"
"I looked for the right word," said Bellum, "For maximum effect."
"And you chose - bad."
"Affirmative."
"Why don't you say yes?"
"I have my motive."
"Motive?" asked Clodo, "I really ought to lend you my thesaurus."
"And why are you saying 'w' instead of 'r' again?" asked Jam, getting out the thumbscrews and shining a light in Bellum's eyes.
"I didn't," said Bellum.
"Yes you did," said Jam.
"Didn't," said Bellum.
"Did."
"Didn't"
"Shut up," said Clodo, "You're as bad as Legless and Giblet."
Jam was about to question Bellum, but was so shocked by the insult that she was silent. Jam glanced at Clodo. Her friend was changing, no doubt about it. Jam noticed many big changes in her. For example, Clodo had switched from 'Garnier Nutrisse' to 'L'Oreal' shampoo. Jam shook her head sadly; the Thing was overpowering her friend.
When she looked up again (which wasn't for a while, since Jam had noticed that her laces were untied and she didn't want to fall over) they had drawn within sight of the Big Gate of Bordor. They soon saw a ticket booth, with prices nailed on the side.
'WELCOME TO BORDOR!
DON'T DROP LITTER, DONATE IT TO OUR FURNACES SO WE CAN CONTINUE TO MAKE ARMOUR FOR OUR URKS TO TAKE OVER MIDDLE SCHOOL.
ADMISSION FEES:
ADULTS - £1
CHILDREN + OAPS- 50P
FOBBITS WISHING TO RETURN THE THING OF POWER AND BRING ABOUT THE DESTRUCTION OF MORON AND HISTORY - £1,000,000,000
ALL FUNDS WILL BE DONATED TO MORON'
"Damn," said Jam, emptying her pockets, "I don't have a billion pounds. Do you?"
"Nah, sorry," said Clodo, "I knew I shouldn't have bought that last packet of Wine Gums."
"Don't worry," said Bellum, "I know another way wound. A path through mountain, to the back door of Bordor."
"Goodie," said Clodo.
"What's the catch?" said Jam suspiciously (and promptly falling flat on her face), "I've seen 'The Mummy Returns' enough times to know that there's always a catch."
Bellum seemed to struggle with itself for a minute.
"Want some Deflatine?" asked Clodo.
"No, I don't need it," said Bellum, after much effort. Clodo took a step back. "No! No catch, an elementawy path, no howwific-"
"What?" asked Jam.
"Nothing, nothing at all," said Bellum, all signs of anguish on its face passing.
As they walked on Jam talked to Clodo.
"Are you still suspicious?" asked Jam.
"Yeah," said Clodo, "I wouldn't stand downwind of it."
"No," said Jam, "About this path. Isn't it a bit too easy? I mean, why didn't it show it to us before?"
"I don't know," sighed Clodo wearily. Jam stopped talking. She guessed Clodo had enough to worry about with carrying the Thing of Power, and the possible end of the world resting on her shoulders, without having to worry about weird butt-ugly possible-fake-lisping used-to-be fobbits.
Chapter 4 - The Fashionable Bouncer
They set off down the path to Bordor. Bellum was walking ahead, but every now and then turned to check the fobbits were still there.
"Do you really think it's better?" asked Jam.
"Yes. Either that, or it never had a lisp, and was just putting it on."
"Like everyone said Gareth Gates was, with his stammer?"
"Yeah. But it seems friendly now."
"Who, Gareth Gates?"
"No! Bellum," said Clodo, "I really don't think it'll betray us."
"I hope so," said Jam, "We both know what damage a fobbit can do."
They both looked at each other, then burst out laughing.
* * * * *
They travelled for many day through the Whiffy Marshes. Bellum was very unhappy, but continued to lead them between shopping trolleys and coke cans, and water that had goodness knows what in it. They stretched for miles on end, and at the end, there was Bordor. Whoop-dee-dee, thought Jam.
"Hey, Bellum," said Clodo, "Why are all these ponds so polluted?"
"You don't want to know," said Bellum, "Let's just say Bordor never invested in a sewage system."
"Oh," said Jam, "Ewwwww."
"Icky," said Clodo.
A great stench from rolled off the Whiffy Marshes into the fobbits' faces. Luckily their noses had never really recovered from the Toilets of Toria, so they did not pass out. Others were not so lucky.
"C'mon, wake up, Bellum," said Clodo, "Jam, it's been asleep for ages. You didn't do a sleeper hold on it, did you?"
"No! Maybe it's dead," she said hopefully.
Suddenly the air was filled with 'Boing...boing...boing'.
"What's that?" asked Jam.
"I don't know," said Clodo.
Suddenly they heard 'Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee!'
"Strawberry Salami!" yelled Clodo, "It's the Fashionable Riders!"
"Ai ai ai," said Jam.
"Where are they?" asked Clodo.
They all looked desperately around them. Suddenly Jam spotted a figure rise and fall on the horizon.
"THEY'RE ON POGO STICKS!!" she shrieked.
"This new devilry we could not have foreseen," said Clodo.
"Yeah we could," said Jam, "Pogo sticks are on the cover of all the 'What's hot and What's not' magazines. They're the new 'in' thing."
"Shut up," said Clodo.
"Yes Miss Clodo," said Jam. With that they threw themselves to the ground, covering themselves with the camouflage jackets Naladriel had given them.
"These are useful," said Clodo.
"As well as being in the 'What's hot' magazine," said Jam.
Suddenly Bellum woke up.
"Ahhh," it said, "Twas a Fashionable Bouncer! They want to get Bellum! Poor Bellum! Must use Jam as a human shield." It grabbed onto Jam.
"Noooo..." said Jam, shaking Bellum off, "They want to get Clodo. Clodo."
"Oh," said Bellum, "Okay then."
But Jam began to get suspicious of Bellum. The way it read Snow White, then asked Clodo if she liked apples. The way it read 'Assassins Monthly'. And the way Jam saw it hovering behind Clodo, muttering to itself.
"Bad Clodo, her auntie took my Preciouth, ith mine weally, the thtole it," it muttered. Jam gasped - it was impersonating Gareth Gates again. The resemblance was uncanny.
"What was that Bellum?" she asked.
"Nothing," said Bellum. But Jam noticed that Bellum began to avoid using the letter S in its words.
* * * * *
They drew nearer and nearer to Bordor.
"You weally want to go to Bordor?" asked Bellum, "Bordor vewy dangewo- pewilou- bad."
"Why did you begin all those words," asked Jam, "And not finish them?"
"I looked for the right word," said Bellum, "For maximum effect."
"And you chose - bad."
"Affirmative."
"Why don't you say yes?"
"I have my motive."
"Motive?" asked Clodo, "I really ought to lend you my thesaurus."
"And why are you saying 'w' instead of 'r' again?" asked Jam, getting out the thumbscrews and shining a light in Bellum's eyes.
"I didn't," said Bellum.
"Yes you did," said Jam.
"Didn't," said Bellum.
"Did."
"Didn't"
"Shut up," said Clodo, "You're as bad as Legless and Giblet."
Jam was about to question Bellum, but was so shocked by the insult that she was silent. Jam glanced at Clodo. Her friend was changing, no doubt about it. Jam noticed many big changes in her. For example, Clodo had switched from 'Garnier Nutrisse' to 'L'Oreal' shampoo. Jam shook her head sadly; the Thing was overpowering her friend.
When she looked up again (which wasn't for a while, since Jam had noticed that her laces were untied and she didn't want to fall over) they had drawn within sight of the Big Gate of Bordor. They soon saw a ticket booth, with prices nailed on the side.
'WELCOME TO BORDOR!
DON'T DROP LITTER, DONATE IT TO OUR FURNACES SO WE CAN CONTINUE TO MAKE ARMOUR FOR OUR URKS TO TAKE OVER MIDDLE SCHOOL.
ADMISSION FEES:
ADULTS - £1
CHILDREN + OAPS- 50P
FOBBITS WISHING TO RETURN THE THING OF POWER AND BRING ABOUT THE DESTRUCTION OF MORON AND HISTORY - £1,000,000,000
ALL FUNDS WILL BE DONATED TO MORON'
"Damn," said Jam, emptying her pockets, "I don't have a billion pounds. Do you?"
"Nah, sorry," said Clodo, "I knew I shouldn't have bought that last packet of Wine Gums."
"Don't worry," said Bellum, "I know another way wound. A path through mountain, to the back door of Bordor."
"Goodie," said Clodo.
"What's the catch?" said Jam suspiciously (and promptly falling flat on her face), "I've seen 'The Mummy Returns' enough times to know that there's always a catch."
Bellum seemed to struggle with itself for a minute.
"Want some Deflatine?" asked Clodo.
"No, I don't need it," said Bellum, after much effort. Clodo took a step back. "No! No catch, an elementawy path, no howwific-"
"What?" asked Jam.
"Nothing, nothing at all," said Bellum, all signs of anguish on its face passing.
As they walked on Jam talked to Clodo.
"Are you still suspicious?" asked Jam.
"Yeah," said Clodo, "I wouldn't stand downwind of it."
"No," said Jam, "About this path. Isn't it a bit too easy? I mean, why didn't it show it to us before?"
"I don't know," sighed Clodo wearily. Jam stopped talking. She guessed Clodo had enough to worry about with carrying the Thing of Power, and the possible end of the world resting on her shoulders, without having to worry about weird butt-ugly possible-fake-lisping used-to-be fobbits.