I know that I hardly ever update this story, but I am going to try and
finish it! I just have a lot of other stories that I write as well. And I
hope you all have a really great Christmas!
Chapter 6 - Blazin' Squad and a flumpflewumpfle
They turned round and continued down the different path, Jam still watching Bellum suspiciously. Bellum noticed Jam was watching her suspiciously.
"Why you watching me suspiciously, Jam?" it asked.
"No reason. By the way," smiled Jam - she had an idea - "What is Clodo's surname again?"
"Why?" said Bellum, looking alarmed, "You forgotten? Why do you need to know?"
"Humour me," grinned Jam.
"Leg- Leg-" stammered Bellum.
"Hurry up," said Clodo, catching on, "I haven't seen someone finding it so hard to talk since Albo starred as Titania in 'A Midsummer Night's Dream'."
"Leggingth," said Bellum sadly.
Clodo gasped, "You're lisping again!"
"I know," moaned Bellum, with a puppy dog expression, "I think I have a mouth ulther."
"Awww," said Clodo.
"I didn't want to thay anything coth you would think I wanted the Thing again," it sighed, tears brimming very convincingly.
"Fiend," muttered Jam.
"Don't worry," said Clodo, "We don't think that."
"I do," muttered Jam.
"What?" asked Clodo.
"Er... I do not believe such a thing possible," said Jam, crossing her fingers behind her back.
"Good," said Clodo, "Bellum needs all our help to get past this bad phase. Only when we work together successfully can we work apart."
"I knew getting you that 'Inner Peace' book was going to come back to bite me in the-"
"Leth keep going," said Bellum.
They continued down the road, Jam and Bellum not talking to each other. From the way Bellum glared at her, stole her last rolo and slipped green mambas into her sleeping bag, Jam got the idea Bellum may not like her.
*****
After many days of travelling they arrived in the National Trust section of the Whiffy Marshes. There were plants, trees, day trippers and signs suggesting you join the National Trust Club.
"Can we join the Nathional Trutht Club?" asked Bellum.
"No," said Jam.
"Why not?" asked Clodo.
Thirty pounds later, now with 'I'm a member of the National Trust' badges, they continued down the road. They decided to stop in a clearing, to read the pamphlet.
"Oooooh, we get fwee entry to loadth of plathes!" said Bellum excitedly, "Fondue, the Crithpy Mountainth, the Mire, Leg End..."
"Leg End?" exclaimed Clodo, "That's my house!"
"Now ith Nathional Trutht property," said Bellum.
Clodo grabbed the brochure.
'Come to Leg End! See the wildlife underneath the beds, and the fungi in the fridge! Fun for all the family, a traditional pint-sized home!'
"'PINT SIZED?'" cried Jam.
"Ith what everyone callth fobbith," said Bellum, "Fobbit ith a thwear word. You're called pint-thizes."
"Pint thizes?" asked Jam incredulously, "What the hell is that?"
"No," said Clodo, "Pint sizes."
"Oh yes, that's much better," said Jam.
Suddenly some loud shouts filled the air around them.
"I say, there's a marker!"
"What letter does it say? Maybe it'll help us solve the puzzle!" Several men burst into the clearing, all eyes fixed on the marker. But then they stumbled onto the fobbits hiding places. Literally.
"Ow!" said Jam crossly, "Less of the kicking."
"What the hell are you?" asked the one in the middle, obviously in charge.
"We are fob- pint sizes," said Clodo, not thinking it was best to swear in front of humans.
"Pint sizes?" asked the middle one, "What the hell is that?"
"Fobbits," said Jam.
All the men gasped and drew their swords.
"How dare you swear in front of Andremir, son of the steward of Fondue?" asked one of them.
"Shut UP!" hissed Andremir, "We agreed to tell everyone we are members of Blazin' Squad."
"Sorry boss," they all said.
"Blazin' Squad?" asked Jam sceptically, "Really?"
"Yeah, I know, it sucked as a cover," said Andremir, "But I didn't expect to meet anyone except Urks, and my bedside cabinet is smarter than ten of them put together. But then again, it is made from a talking tree... but anyway, what are you guys doing out here?"
"We are on a quest to destroy the Thing of Powuuurk," said Jam, and collapsed, wishing she hadn't taught Clodo to do a sleeper hold.
"What's wrong with her?" asked Andremir worriedly.
"Oh, we're just hungry..." said Clodo hopefully.
"Don't worry - once she wakes up, you can come to a place of refuge, and eat."
"Where?" asked Clodo.
"THE TOP-SECRET LEVEL-THREE CLEARANCE NO-ONE CAN ENTER GIVE THE PASSWORD SECRET HIDEOUT!" cheered all the men. They loved saying that.
"Riiiight," said Clodo.
"So who are in your company?" asked Andremir, "Are there any others around?"
"Yeeeeaaanoooo," said Clodo, realising that Bellum had skedaddled.
"What was that?" asked Andremir.
"No! It's just us," she beamed.
"Oh good," said Andremir. "And by the looks of it-" she noticed that Jam had awoken and immediately kicked Clodo - "your companion is awake, so we may head off." They immediately walked away towards a cave with a stream in front, which was about a mile away.
"So what are you doing out here?" asked Andremir.
"We were members of a Company of Nine," said Clodo, clamping a hand over Jam's mouth, "And we are travelling to Bordor."
"So where are the others?"
"We departed most of them a short while ago. The other 'dropped out' of our tale a long time ago."
"Dropped out? What do you mean?"
"She has flown the nest, pushed up the daisies, gone into the light, is lying in an eternal sleep, handed in her cheque, taken her last pension, cashed in her life insurance, has moved underground, is having a long blink, popped her clogs, six foot under, will never again see the light of day..."
There was a long pause.
"What?" asked Andremir.
"Oh for the love of creamcake," said Jam.
"Mmmmm...creamcake," said Clodo.
"She's dead!" said Jam exasperatedly.
"Who?" asked Andremir, "Which member of your company?"
"Kandalf," said Jam, "Kandalf is dead."
There was a loud gasp from the men. Andremir was silent.
"Did she die nobly?" he asked.
"As nobly as you can being sucked into a U-bend," sighed Clodo.
The men sniffled as one.
"These are grave tidings," said Andremir, "She owed me money for the cake sale. But who else is in your company?"
"Ferry and Alippin, two fob- pint sizes; Legless, a boff from Berkwood; Giblet, a bitch; Begorn, bearer of Clearasil, the light sabre that ran out of battery and was re-charged-"
"Clearasil?" breathed Andremir. There was a loud gasp from the men. "There are prophecies! Izzybore's accessory shall be brought to Bordor, guarded by a pint size and a man who bears Clearasil! These are great tidings indeed! But sadly, it cannot be true - for the daughter of the steward of Fondue, at the moment Tiramisu, was supposed to have gone on the quest also. But she is in Ibiza."
"Ummmm...." said Clodo.
"But that only makes eight. Who was the ninth?"
"Ummmm..." said Clodo, "Thing is....it was Tiramisu."
"What in the Middle School are you talking about?"
"Tiramisu did come," said Clodo.
"Tiramisu!" said Andremir, "Tiramisu! I'm her brother! How is she?"
"Ummmmm...." said Jam.
"For I love my sister deeply," said Andremir, "And have vowed to kill thee who should bring me news of her death."
"Ummmmm...." said Jam worriedly.
"We dunno," said Clodo, "We left in a hurry, but as we left she was alive, well, safe and sane."
'Well, alive, anyway,' she thought to herself.
"Goodie," said Andremir, "For I like you two, but that would not discern me from killing you."
"Well, it's good she's fine isn't it!" beamed Clodo.
"But I thought she was..." whispered Jam confusedly. Clodo hit her.
"What was that?" asked Andremir.
"What my friend here," said Clodo, clapping a hand over Jam's mouth again, "meant to say was that Tiramisu is finer than fine. She was fighting fit last I saw her!"
'Fighting herself into a fit', thought Clodo.
"Good. But what is Izzybore's accessory?" he asked, "Do you have it?"
"Maybe," said Clodo.
"DO YOU HAVE IT?"
"OK, OK, I do!" cried Clodo, "So sue me."
"So what is Izzybore's accessory?" asked Andremir.
"It's a flumpflewumpfle."
"A what?"
"I said, it's a flumpflewumpfle."
"A what?"
"Never mind," said Clodo quickly, "What are you guys doing out here?"
"We have just joined the National Trust!" said Andremir, "And we were trying to do one of the trails, and got a little off course."
"Oh," said Clodo.
"Yeah, they're tricky," said Jam.
*****
Pixael28 - Thanks! I know that I take ages between updates, but it's because - OK, I have no good excuse. (hangs head in shame)
Beloved Fool - Whoops, sorry! (hits head that is still hanging in shame repeatedly) Glad you liked Haldir and Legless.
Gone-to-jarmadanga - In answer to your first question, no, she doesn't. In answer to your second question (which wasn't really a question) I didn't have hundreds, but I did have 126. In answer to your third question, they come from the far-off land of Pharillys, where there are Wob-Wobs, meffies, cute things with big ears and burrills. And in answer to your fourth question, I don't get my homework done, I get stressed instead. Hope this callout has been enlightening.
Freakanature - I'm going to try and keep going, I just have a lot of homework right now and my mocks are in January...
Michaela - I've actually already written it, I just need to put it up on fanfiction. I had this entire story finished by Christmas last year, it was only after it was written that my friend suggested putting it on here. That's how I was introduced to fanfiction, actually...
Eirlys - Wow, thanks! I'll send them on! And it isn't on hold, I'm just, um, lazy.
Have a Merry (and Pippin) Christmas everyone!
Chapter 6 - Blazin' Squad and a flumpflewumpfle
They turned round and continued down the different path, Jam still watching Bellum suspiciously. Bellum noticed Jam was watching her suspiciously.
"Why you watching me suspiciously, Jam?" it asked.
"No reason. By the way," smiled Jam - she had an idea - "What is Clodo's surname again?"
"Why?" said Bellum, looking alarmed, "You forgotten? Why do you need to know?"
"Humour me," grinned Jam.
"Leg- Leg-" stammered Bellum.
"Hurry up," said Clodo, catching on, "I haven't seen someone finding it so hard to talk since Albo starred as Titania in 'A Midsummer Night's Dream'."
"Leggingth," said Bellum sadly.
Clodo gasped, "You're lisping again!"
"I know," moaned Bellum, with a puppy dog expression, "I think I have a mouth ulther."
"Awww," said Clodo.
"I didn't want to thay anything coth you would think I wanted the Thing again," it sighed, tears brimming very convincingly.
"Fiend," muttered Jam.
"Don't worry," said Clodo, "We don't think that."
"I do," muttered Jam.
"What?" asked Clodo.
"Er... I do not believe such a thing possible," said Jam, crossing her fingers behind her back.
"Good," said Clodo, "Bellum needs all our help to get past this bad phase. Only when we work together successfully can we work apart."
"I knew getting you that 'Inner Peace' book was going to come back to bite me in the-"
"Leth keep going," said Bellum.
They continued down the road, Jam and Bellum not talking to each other. From the way Bellum glared at her, stole her last rolo and slipped green mambas into her sleeping bag, Jam got the idea Bellum may not like her.
*****
After many days of travelling they arrived in the National Trust section of the Whiffy Marshes. There were plants, trees, day trippers and signs suggesting you join the National Trust Club.
"Can we join the Nathional Trutht Club?" asked Bellum.
"No," said Jam.
"Why not?" asked Clodo.
Thirty pounds later, now with 'I'm a member of the National Trust' badges, they continued down the road. They decided to stop in a clearing, to read the pamphlet.
"Oooooh, we get fwee entry to loadth of plathes!" said Bellum excitedly, "Fondue, the Crithpy Mountainth, the Mire, Leg End..."
"Leg End?" exclaimed Clodo, "That's my house!"
"Now ith Nathional Trutht property," said Bellum.
Clodo grabbed the brochure.
'Come to Leg End! See the wildlife underneath the beds, and the fungi in the fridge! Fun for all the family, a traditional pint-sized home!'
"'PINT SIZED?'" cried Jam.
"Ith what everyone callth fobbith," said Bellum, "Fobbit ith a thwear word. You're called pint-thizes."
"Pint thizes?" asked Jam incredulously, "What the hell is that?"
"No," said Clodo, "Pint sizes."
"Oh yes, that's much better," said Jam.
Suddenly some loud shouts filled the air around them.
"I say, there's a marker!"
"What letter does it say? Maybe it'll help us solve the puzzle!" Several men burst into the clearing, all eyes fixed on the marker. But then they stumbled onto the fobbits hiding places. Literally.
"Ow!" said Jam crossly, "Less of the kicking."
"What the hell are you?" asked the one in the middle, obviously in charge.
"We are fob- pint sizes," said Clodo, not thinking it was best to swear in front of humans.
"Pint sizes?" asked the middle one, "What the hell is that?"
"Fobbits," said Jam.
All the men gasped and drew their swords.
"How dare you swear in front of Andremir, son of the steward of Fondue?" asked one of them.
"Shut UP!" hissed Andremir, "We agreed to tell everyone we are members of Blazin' Squad."
"Sorry boss," they all said.
"Blazin' Squad?" asked Jam sceptically, "Really?"
"Yeah, I know, it sucked as a cover," said Andremir, "But I didn't expect to meet anyone except Urks, and my bedside cabinet is smarter than ten of them put together. But then again, it is made from a talking tree... but anyway, what are you guys doing out here?"
"We are on a quest to destroy the Thing of Powuuurk," said Jam, and collapsed, wishing she hadn't taught Clodo to do a sleeper hold.
"What's wrong with her?" asked Andremir worriedly.
"Oh, we're just hungry..." said Clodo hopefully.
"Don't worry - once she wakes up, you can come to a place of refuge, and eat."
"Where?" asked Clodo.
"THE TOP-SECRET LEVEL-THREE CLEARANCE NO-ONE CAN ENTER GIVE THE PASSWORD SECRET HIDEOUT!" cheered all the men. They loved saying that.
"Riiiight," said Clodo.
"So who are in your company?" asked Andremir, "Are there any others around?"
"Yeeeeaaanoooo," said Clodo, realising that Bellum had skedaddled.
"What was that?" asked Andremir.
"No! It's just us," she beamed.
"Oh good," said Andremir. "And by the looks of it-" she noticed that Jam had awoken and immediately kicked Clodo - "your companion is awake, so we may head off." They immediately walked away towards a cave with a stream in front, which was about a mile away.
"So what are you doing out here?" asked Andremir.
"We were members of a Company of Nine," said Clodo, clamping a hand over Jam's mouth, "And we are travelling to Bordor."
"So where are the others?"
"We departed most of them a short while ago. The other 'dropped out' of our tale a long time ago."
"Dropped out? What do you mean?"
"She has flown the nest, pushed up the daisies, gone into the light, is lying in an eternal sleep, handed in her cheque, taken her last pension, cashed in her life insurance, has moved underground, is having a long blink, popped her clogs, six foot under, will never again see the light of day..."
There was a long pause.
"What?" asked Andremir.
"Oh for the love of creamcake," said Jam.
"Mmmmm...creamcake," said Clodo.
"She's dead!" said Jam exasperatedly.
"Who?" asked Andremir, "Which member of your company?"
"Kandalf," said Jam, "Kandalf is dead."
There was a loud gasp from the men. Andremir was silent.
"Did she die nobly?" he asked.
"As nobly as you can being sucked into a U-bend," sighed Clodo.
The men sniffled as one.
"These are grave tidings," said Andremir, "She owed me money for the cake sale. But who else is in your company?"
"Ferry and Alippin, two fob- pint sizes; Legless, a boff from Berkwood; Giblet, a bitch; Begorn, bearer of Clearasil, the light sabre that ran out of battery and was re-charged-"
"Clearasil?" breathed Andremir. There was a loud gasp from the men. "There are prophecies! Izzybore's accessory shall be brought to Bordor, guarded by a pint size and a man who bears Clearasil! These are great tidings indeed! But sadly, it cannot be true - for the daughter of the steward of Fondue, at the moment Tiramisu, was supposed to have gone on the quest also. But she is in Ibiza."
"Ummmm...." said Clodo.
"But that only makes eight. Who was the ninth?"
"Ummmm..." said Clodo, "Thing is....it was Tiramisu."
"What in the Middle School are you talking about?"
"Tiramisu did come," said Clodo.
"Tiramisu!" said Andremir, "Tiramisu! I'm her brother! How is she?"
"Ummmmm...." said Jam.
"For I love my sister deeply," said Andremir, "And have vowed to kill thee who should bring me news of her death."
"Ummmmm...." said Jam worriedly.
"We dunno," said Clodo, "We left in a hurry, but as we left she was alive, well, safe and sane."
'Well, alive, anyway,' she thought to herself.
"Goodie," said Andremir, "For I like you two, but that would not discern me from killing you."
"Well, it's good she's fine isn't it!" beamed Clodo.
"But I thought she was..." whispered Jam confusedly. Clodo hit her.
"What was that?" asked Andremir.
"What my friend here," said Clodo, clapping a hand over Jam's mouth again, "meant to say was that Tiramisu is finer than fine. She was fighting fit last I saw her!"
'Fighting herself into a fit', thought Clodo.
"Good. But what is Izzybore's accessory?" he asked, "Do you have it?"
"Maybe," said Clodo.
"DO YOU HAVE IT?"
"OK, OK, I do!" cried Clodo, "So sue me."
"So what is Izzybore's accessory?" asked Andremir.
"It's a flumpflewumpfle."
"A what?"
"I said, it's a flumpflewumpfle."
"A what?"
"Never mind," said Clodo quickly, "What are you guys doing out here?"
"We have just joined the National Trust!" said Andremir, "And we were trying to do one of the trails, and got a little off course."
"Oh," said Clodo.
"Yeah, they're tricky," said Jam.
*****
Pixael28 - Thanks! I know that I take ages between updates, but it's because - OK, I have no good excuse. (hangs head in shame)
Beloved Fool - Whoops, sorry! (hits head that is still hanging in shame repeatedly) Glad you liked Haldir and Legless.
Gone-to-jarmadanga - In answer to your first question, no, she doesn't. In answer to your second question (which wasn't really a question) I didn't have hundreds, but I did have 126. In answer to your third question, they come from the far-off land of Pharillys, where there are Wob-Wobs, meffies, cute things with big ears and burrills. And in answer to your fourth question, I don't get my homework done, I get stressed instead. Hope this callout has been enlightening.
Freakanature - I'm going to try and keep going, I just have a lot of homework right now and my mocks are in January...
Michaela - I've actually already written it, I just need to put it up on fanfiction. I had this entire story finished by Christmas last year, it was only after it was written that my friend suggested putting it on here. That's how I was introduced to fanfiction, actually...
Eirlys - Wow, thanks! I'll send them on! And it isn't on hold, I'm just, um, lazy.
Have a Merry (and Pippin) Christmas everyone!