Inheritance
By: Victoria May
The sky is clear outside my window. Brilliant blue stretches as far as my eyes can see and I sigh, snuggling deeper into my padded seat. It's been a long day and soon my eyes drift closed. I don't doze long though before the airplane shudders around me. I clench my hand on the armrest and push myself as far into my seat as I can.
'I am calm, I am calm,' I chant silently. It's only a little turbulence. Nothing I haven't experienced before. But this time I can feel the vibrations deep in my bones and clench my teeth tightly. The overhead bin rattles and for a second I envision it opening, raining down travel bags onto Jared's head. The image makes me smile, just a little, and Jared looks at me with his eyebrow raised questioningly. I giggle and shrug, turning back to the window.
The clear skies have gone and now the sky is a misty white. We pass through a thick patch of clouds and the plane shudders again, much harder this time. I fumble for Jared's hand and grab it tightly. He rubs it gently with his free hand but it has little affect on my panic. It's just a little turbulence, I tell myself again.
I draw in a deep breath and realize that my heart is pounding furiously. I draw in another breath, then another. I fight to even out my breathing and slow my racing heart. I haven't had a panic attack in years. 'Why now?' I beseech the highest power willing to listen to my plea.
Tugging my hand from Jared's grasp, I fumble for my small makeup case. I finally wrap numb fingers around it and release my seatbelt. Jared grabs my arm as I lurch from my seat and tries to tug me back down.
"I have to go," I gasp, struggling weakly to free my arm.
"The light's on," he says, pointing upward. Sure enough, the small red seatbelt sign is lit. I don't care. I need to get out of this seat now before I start screaming.
"I have to use the ladies room," I insist.
An attendant sitting in the front row looks back over her shoulder and frowns before unclasping her own belt. I glare at Jared as the small woman approaches.
"I'm sorry ma'am, you have to remain seated until the seatbelt light goes off," she explains in gentle voice.
I shake my head. "I have to use the ladies room. It can't wait," I insist. At her hesitant look I add, "I'll only be just a minute. I really do need to use it. Please," I whisper.
The attendant finally nods and moves aside to let me into the isle. "Thank you," I murmur before rushing into the cramped bathroom.
I've been in outhouses that were larger than this, but I'm not complaining. I turn the water on cold and splash some on my face. Leaning against the small sink, I draw in a deep breath and hold it, releasing it slowly through my mouth. The plane lurches and I barely catch myself as I start to fall wildly to the side. At least I can't fall far in such tight quarters.
The attendant is probably watching to make sure I come out quickly, so I set my makeup case on the edge of the sink and unzip it. I push my fingers through the makeup, cursing quietly as mascara and an eyeliner fall out and tumble to the rear of the toilet. My fingers find what they were questing for and I withdraw a small round pill case. Silver plated with my initials engraved into the top, it was a gift from a 'friend' from many years ago.
The top snaps open and I take out a tiny white pill. I close the case so no pills escape and turn on the water, catching some in my cupped hand. I swallow the pill and sigh, before pressing my wet hand to my brow. Straightening, I wipe my hands on a paper towel and bend to retrieve my makeup from the floor. Stuffing everything back into the makeup case, I turn and open the door.
Jared turns in his seat as though he sensed my approach. "Are you alright? Should I have the stewardess get you something?" he asks as he guides me past his legs and into my seat.
I smile at him and shake my head. "No, I'm fine now. Really." I lean back into my large seat and close my eyes. "I'm just going to rest for awhile. Wake me when we're over Cascade," I murmur, the Valium already pulling me into a deep sleep.
My dreams are erratic. They always are when drug induced. I dream of Blair, flying through the air on a toilet, a cape billowing out behind him. He's so young and I smile at him and wave. He laughs and waves back. But when he raises his arm, the cape slips free from his neck and as if caught on a large gust of wind, it blows off and disappears into the clouds. I follow it with my eyes, and when I turn back, Blair is crying and clutching at the toilet tank, his eyes clenched tightly shut. And he's no longer flying. He's falling. He's falling and crying and I reach out and grasp nothing but air.
I gasp and sit up in my seat. My heart is pounding again but quickly evens out due to the Valium. Something is pressing against my face, pressing into my eyes, and I push it away.
"It's okay, everything's okay," I hear finally. I blink and turn and Jared's there, a wet tissue clenched in his hand. "You're alright," he says and I press my face against his shoulder. My muscles finally relax and I pull away.
"I'm okay," I say, nodding as if to reassure not only Jared, but myself as well.
"You want to talk about it?" he offers. I can tell he's sincere from the way he's looking at me, peering into my eyes, searching my soul.
I smile weakly and shake my head. "Just a silly dream," I answer.
"You have a lot of silly dreams lately," he replies, turning his head quickly away from me. I know he wants me to tell him what I dream, but they really are just silly little dreams. They don't mean anything. It's just all the excitement of going to see Blair. I haven't seen him in almost a year. I've been traveling, and he's been busy too. But it's Blair's thirtieth birthday and he invited me to come celebrate.
I don't know how I'm going to tell him about Jared. Will he be happy for me? Will he be angry? Will he like Jared? Will Jared like Blair? It's not often Blair and I are together, so I know I have to tell him now. He would be so hurt if I told him over the phone or through a letter. Not that I haven't considered those options. But I've caused him so much hurt recently. I can't be the cause of any more. But I'm afraid that my news will hurt, no matter how gently I tell him.
After all, hadn't I always told him to detach with love? Hadn't I left behind a trail of boyfriends and friends who I feared getting too attached to? My head is beginning to ache as I remember the tears hastily brushed away by small, dirt smudged hands, as Blair too struggled to detach with love. Some of those men had loved Blair like their very own and I can remember Blair kissing and hugging and calling them daddy. Until one day he didn't.
I don't know what prompted the change, but one day my friends were just that, 'Naomi's friends'. Blair never called them daddy and never got close to any of them again. He'd be polite and go places with them when he was invited. Some of the men I'd dated went out of their way to befriend Blair. Buying him things he wanted, and taking him to ball games. But they'd soon grow frustrated by the distance he kept between them and himself. They didn't understand why a fatherless boy didn't want a man to hang around.
Of course I knew. How could I not? So I just nodded and gave him my blessing when he left to go to the library, saying he had homework to do. My stomach twists sharply at the memory-I knew Blair wasn't always at the library. Sometimes he'd leave and wouldn't come back for hours, and to this day, I still don't know where he'd go. Then he joined the basketball team. The smallest player, but quick on his feet his coach used to praise. Then the science club. I still don't understand why he felt he had to steal a microscope instead of just asking for one. But since the incident never led to further delinquency, I put it out of my head and went on with life.
Was I wrong? Did that incident mean something and I just never saw?
I never asked and I never wondered when the judge ordered Blair into therapy. It was just a microscope. Leave it to 'the man' to blow the whole thing out of proportion and see Blair as some deranged criminal. A friend had told me that Blair's aura seemed off-dark and smudged, so I sent him to see an emotional freedom therapist my friend had recommended. The therapist was a licensed counselor in the state of Washington so the judge was happy.
There was no way I was going to send him to another quack like the one Blair saw as a baby. So what if he wet the bed and had nightmares? I didn't mind him sleeping with me. He was a late bloomer. All children develop at different rates. Blair just needed more time with some things. I mean, really, what good did it do to have Blair go and play with toys with some stranger for two hours a day three times a week? Besides line the man's wallet that is. I know all about quacks like that. I dated one for two weeks and that explained it all.
It wasn't long before Blair started at Rainier and he seemed happy enough after that. We'd had him emancipated so I wouldn't need to be contacted for every little thing. After all, it was Blair's life and the decisions should have been up to him. No one ever called or sent anything expressing concern regarding Blair after that, so I always assumed he was fine. He was fine, wasn't he?
I suppose it's too late to worry about any of that.
I need to focus on the present. I'm married to a loving man who understands my need for independence. He never tells me what to do, he doesn't expect me to keep house and pick up after him. He cooks, he cleans, and he makes love to me like I've never been loved before. Best of all, he knows about Blair and doesn't push me to tell him who Blair's father is. It's enough to know that the man isn't a part of my life and never will be.
I squeeze Jared's hand and he turns back to me. "Just a silly dream," I say again and smile broadly at him. His pout melts away and he leans in, catching my lips and kissing me hard. His tongue dances in my mouth and I cup his cheek tenderly. What did I ever do to deserve this man?
Needing air, Jared finally pulls away and smiles gently at me. "I love you," he says, then says it again, more firmly. As if willing me to believe him. I never doubted him. Ever. He's waited a long time for me-years, and now that he finally has me he doesn't really believe it. How do I make him understand that I have never even considered this commitment with any man before him? And it took eight years for me to make it now.
Jared is unlike any man I have ever dated or slept with. We've been together now for seven months, not including the time we were together before. We'd met in New York eight years ago. He was there for a medical conference and I was there with a friend. I was enamored immediately. He was so handsome, but so shy. My friend and I were having dinner in the hotel dining room and I could see this handsome man sitting at the bar with a small group. I tried to catch his eye, but he blushed and turned away. When he looked back, I smiled and waved. He smiled but then frowned, his eyes flickering over to my friend.
I'd patted my friend on the arm and made an excuse to go to the bar. I leaned into the handsome man's space and ordered my drink. I laid my hand on his arm and slid it down, resting it on his knee. 'I'm Naomi,' I'd said. 'He's just a friend' I'd explained. We moved to a private table and after a while, my friend left. We'd spent hours talking and laughing. But at the end of the evening, he wouldn't take me back to his room. I tried pouting, I tried teasing, but he was firm. Early conference he'd said. So we made plans to have dinner together the following evening. He didn't refuse that night.
He was from Delaware and when the conference was over, we flew there together. He was curious about my job, and if I'd be missed. But I explained the heart has no choice in where it's led. I'd find another job quickly. And I did. I found myself falling in love and it scared me. The feelings were strong, so unlike what I'd felt with other men. Jared never tried to control me. I felt safe with him. It scared me. I left when I saw the ring in his underwear drawer. I loved him too much to say no, but I couldn't say yes.
We met again seven months ago, purely by chance. I was at a protest in New Jersey that turned bad. The pigs showed up and things got violent. I ended up at the emergency room for ten stitches on my temple where I'd been hit with the corner of a sign. As I was waiting for the cops to decide whether or not I was worth dragging to jail, a doctor swept up and took my arm. I turned and looked up into the most beautiful brown eyes I have ever seen. Jared's eyes.
The cops asked if he knew me and he said yes. They asked if he agreed to be responsible for me and he laughed and shook his head. 'No one's responsible for Naomi but Naomi,' he'd said. I spent the night in jail and moved in with Jared the next day. He said he forgave me but I don't think he really did until we said our vows.
We married last month, in Hawaii on the beach. It was so romantic. A fairytale wedding. The kind I used to dream about as a little girl. I stopped letting myself believe in those dreams a long time ago, but apparently they really can come true.
I wonder if Blair and Angeline are engaged yet. She is such a beautiful woman. So strong. She reminds me of me in so many ways. She can take care of herself. Blair told me about her parents, how poor Angeline was thrust into the caretaker role at such an early age.
I know Blair won't treat her wrong. I raised him to respect women. I'm not surprised he found someone as strong as Angeline. Someone who didn't need Blair to make all the decisions-who wasn't afraid to think for herself. An equal.
I'm roused from my musings by the lurch of the airplane as it touches the runway. We've landed and I hadn't realized we were even over Cascade. But that's okay. We made it and it's time to go see my son.
Jared steadies me as I rise from my seat and hands me my carry-on from overhead. I slip my hand into his and we slowly follow the path of travelers down the metal tunnel and out into the bright lights of the airport.
I scan the sea of faces but don't see Blair. I turn in a half moon and squint but he still doesn't appear. Finally, I hear, "Naomi!" and see Angeline waving and pushing her way through the crowd. I hug her and drop a kiss on her cheek and look behind her for my Blair. He's not there.
"I'm so sorry Naomi, Blair had a last minute dinner meeting. He'll be meeting us at his condo," she explains. I'm disappointed and I can feel my heart begin to thrum again. Tension is winding its way up my neck at the thought of postponing my reunion with my son. I muster a smile and take her hand.
"I understand," I say cheerfully. "It happens," I add, to show I really do understand. But how my son let work, let some conglomerate come before family is beyond my comprehension. What has my son become? 'Nonsense' I scold myself. 'He's still the same Blair, your baby boy,' I reassure myself.
Turning to Jared, I wrap my arm around Angeline. "Jared, this is Blair's friend, Angeline." I see him wince and wonder briefly what's wrong. But then he smiles and takes her hand.
"It's wonderful to meet you," he says, turning to me to continue the introductions.
I go to his side and wrap my arm around his waist. "This is Jared," I say, squeezing his middle. I'm not wearing a ring-too establishment, so there is no outward sign that we are married. I don't want to risk Angeline saying anything to Blair before I have a chance to tell him my news. The brief introduction will have to do.
I look up and he's frowning, but when he catches my eyes, he smiles and squeezes me back. He surprises me by leaning down and capturing my mouth in a lingering kiss. There is no doubt about our relationship now.
"Well," I say, when he pulls away, grinning madly. "Let's get our bags. I'm so looking forward to seeing my baby again."
Angeline and I make idle chatter, catching up on news while we make our way to the luggage carousels. We grab our bags and cross to the parking garage. We're loaded and heading towards Blair in no time.
I'm not nervous any longer. Blair will understand. It was my decision. He should be happy that I've finally found someone to love. Like he has. We both deserve to be loved.
I can see the lighthouse in the distance, beckoning us forward. Almost there. I'm practically thrumming with excitement. I lean forward slightly as we pull into the garage beneath the condo. I leave Jared to get our bags as I follow Angeline inside. The air is cool and I can see forward into the rec room. It's clean, not like the time I surprised Blair by stopping in on my way to California. He'd had papers strewn about and piles of dirty laundry. Like the Blair I remembered.
I'm standing in the doorway and a gentle nudge reminds me to move forward. Jared piles half of our luggage on the floor and goes to get more. I walk in and let my gaze linger on the wall. The only piece of my Blair left. I feel a pang of sorrow at that and quickly turn away. It's not the time. It will never be the time unless I want to admit that this is all my creation. My mistake. I'm not ready yet.
I turn and go down the hall, into Blair's office. You can tell he'd strived for neatness, but clutter was dominant. On the desk lay several folders and official looking documents, photographs, and mini-cassette tapes. A stack of typed papers was piled on the file cabinet and I drew closer to read the cover of the top paper. 'The Westward Journey'. Ah, his history class at the Salvation Army. Another sign that my Blair still existed. His love of learning and teaching was unique and it was a blessing that he was able to continue it.
A warmth at my back tells me Jared had joined me. I lean into him and his cologne tinged scent washes over me. He smells so good. The door upstairs slams shut and I smile. Blair!
Grinning, I grab Jared's hand and pull him behind me towards the stairs. Blair is home and I can't wait to share my news.
"Sweetie!" I squeal when I catch up to him in the living room. He jumps and turns around quickly. His face breaks out in a tired smile and he opens his arms as he comes closer.
"Mom," he says, as he wraps his arms around me and holds me close. I've missed him so much. I finally pull away and take his hands.
"Blair, I have someone I want you to meet. Someone very important to me." I let one hand go and turn, holding it out to Jared. As Jared approaches, I can see Blair's smile begin to fade and his grip on my hand tightens.
"Mom?" he says again, only this time it comes out unsure and shaky.
"It's okay baby, I promise," I say as Jared takes my hand. "Blair, I'd like you to meet Jared, my husband."
A gasp from the kitchen doorway startles me and I spin around. Angeline is standing there with her hand over her mouth.
"I'm sorry," she apologizes, quickly dropping her hand and forcing a smile. "I'm just surprised. You didn't say anything," she adds.
"I know darling. I just wanted it to be a surprise, and I wanted to make sure I was the one to tell Blair." I turn back around and Blair is just standing there, staring at Jared.
"Sweetie? Are you alright?" I raise my hand to his face and he turns his eyes to me. He smiles-a small, thin smile, but a smile nonetheless.
"I'm okay. Just a little shocked. You didn't . . ." he chokes off, clears his throat and tries again. "You didn't say anything. When?" he asks.
"Last month. It was just the two of us Sweetie. We wanted to do this together, a small ceremony between just us." It was a lie and I knew it, but I didn't want to tell Blair that it was my idea to keep it simple. Jared had mentioned having close family there, but I just didn't want anything to detract from us.
Blair looks at Jared and then back at me. "Congratulations," he says before wrapping me in his arms again. The hug is tense, but at least he understands. He pulls back and reaches his hand out to Jared. "Congratulations," he says again.
He clears his throat and then gestures down the hall. "Um, I have to go do something. I'll be right back," he says before disappearing into one of the rooms and shutting the door.
"I don't think he took that well," Jared murmurs beside me. I look at him, surprised.
"Of course he did. He was just a little shocked. Once he adjusts he'll be fine," I say, trying to sound confident. In my head, something else entirely was going on. 'Oh god! What have I done! Why didn't I give him some time? Or talk to him alone? Why did I just blurt it out like that? What is wrong with me?'
I can feel myself sway and strong arms enfold me and lead me over to the coach. "You're alright. Just breathe slowly. Deep breaths. Slow, that's it." I can feel my head clear and I sit up straighter.
"I'm alright. I'm fine, really. I just lost my breath for a second. It's all been a little overwhelming." I lean against Jared and close my eyes. A cool touch against my hand lures my eyes open again and Angeline hands me a glass of water. I smile my thanks and take a small sip. Angeline looks at me with an intensity that surprises me before speaking.
"I'm going to check on Blair. Please, make yourselves at home." She disappears down the hallway after Blair and Jared and I are alone once more.
"Was that the reaction you were looking for?"
"What?" I say, tiredly. "Of course not. I wasn't thinking. I thought he'd be happy for me-for us."
"Naomi," Jared starts, but then fumbles to a halt. He shakes his head and wraps his arm tighter around me and leans his head on top of mine. "I'm just glad I've told my family already. They couldn't take that kind of surprise," he says quietly.
My face flames and tears prickle at my eyes. I am ashamed. Was I trying to hurt Blair? Am I angry with him for some reason? Why do I always hurt him?
"I never should have been a parent." I turn my head and sob into Jared's chest, "I've always been bad at it. I've never known how to be a parent, never knew the right words. I thought I would be better at it by now," I mourn.
"You are a good parent Naomi. I love you. You've always been there for me," Blair quiet voice insists at my side. I lift my tear stained face and look down at him.
"Really sweetie?" I ask, my eyes pleading to hear a truth I know is a lie.
"Really," my baby agrees. I turn to him and wrap my arms around him and pull him close.
"I love you so much," I tell him, pulling away and wiping at my eyes.
"I know. And I love you too mom. Okay? Now please stop crying. It's a joyous time, right? I mean, you're married! Hell must have frozen over when I wasn't' looking," he jokes, trying to lighten the mood.
I laugh and do my best to ignore the concerned looks from Jared and Angeline. "Okay, then. Enough of this wallowing. We've got a party to plan," I announce.
Blair raises his eyebrow in that endearing way of his and looks puzzled. "I suppose we can whip together a reception," he says slowly.
I smile at my only child and shake my head fondly. "For you sweetie. For your birthday. You only turn thirty once."
Blair blushes and stands up. "Oh no. That's really not necessary. Maybe we'll just do something small here at the condo-just a few friends."
Blair never was good with attention. But this day is his and I've ruined it enough.
"Nonsense!" I say. "I've brought along the photo albums. We can blow up some of your baby pictures. Wouldn't that just be adorable?" I gush.
Blair groans and covers his face. "I'll never live it down," he moans piteously.
"Blair Jodi Sandburg! Don't you smart mouth your mother," I warn.
He moans again.
"That's what I thought." I wrap my arm around his shoulders and hug him quickly. "Oh, this'll be so much fun . . .."
END
By: Victoria May
The sky is clear outside my window. Brilliant blue stretches as far as my eyes can see and I sigh, snuggling deeper into my padded seat. It's been a long day and soon my eyes drift closed. I don't doze long though before the airplane shudders around me. I clench my hand on the armrest and push myself as far into my seat as I can.
'I am calm, I am calm,' I chant silently. It's only a little turbulence. Nothing I haven't experienced before. But this time I can feel the vibrations deep in my bones and clench my teeth tightly. The overhead bin rattles and for a second I envision it opening, raining down travel bags onto Jared's head. The image makes me smile, just a little, and Jared looks at me with his eyebrow raised questioningly. I giggle and shrug, turning back to the window.
The clear skies have gone and now the sky is a misty white. We pass through a thick patch of clouds and the plane shudders again, much harder this time. I fumble for Jared's hand and grab it tightly. He rubs it gently with his free hand but it has little affect on my panic. It's just a little turbulence, I tell myself again.
I draw in a deep breath and realize that my heart is pounding furiously. I draw in another breath, then another. I fight to even out my breathing and slow my racing heart. I haven't had a panic attack in years. 'Why now?' I beseech the highest power willing to listen to my plea.
Tugging my hand from Jared's grasp, I fumble for my small makeup case. I finally wrap numb fingers around it and release my seatbelt. Jared grabs my arm as I lurch from my seat and tries to tug me back down.
"I have to go," I gasp, struggling weakly to free my arm.
"The light's on," he says, pointing upward. Sure enough, the small red seatbelt sign is lit. I don't care. I need to get out of this seat now before I start screaming.
"I have to use the ladies room," I insist.
An attendant sitting in the front row looks back over her shoulder and frowns before unclasping her own belt. I glare at Jared as the small woman approaches.
"I'm sorry ma'am, you have to remain seated until the seatbelt light goes off," she explains in gentle voice.
I shake my head. "I have to use the ladies room. It can't wait," I insist. At her hesitant look I add, "I'll only be just a minute. I really do need to use it. Please," I whisper.
The attendant finally nods and moves aside to let me into the isle. "Thank you," I murmur before rushing into the cramped bathroom.
I've been in outhouses that were larger than this, but I'm not complaining. I turn the water on cold and splash some on my face. Leaning against the small sink, I draw in a deep breath and hold it, releasing it slowly through my mouth. The plane lurches and I barely catch myself as I start to fall wildly to the side. At least I can't fall far in such tight quarters.
The attendant is probably watching to make sure I come out quickly, so I set my makeup case on the edge of the sink and unzip it. I push my fingers through the makeup, cursing quietly as mascara and an eyeliner fall out and tumble to the rear of the toilet. My fingers find what they were questing for and I withdraw a small round pill case. Silver plated with my initials engraved into the top, it was a gift from a 'friend' from many years ago.
The top snaps open and I take out a tiny white pill. I close the case so no pills escape and turn on the water, catching some in my cupped hand. I swallow the pill and sigh, before pressing my wet hand to my brow. Straightening, I wipe my hands on a paper towel and bend to retrieve my makeup from the floor. Stuffing everything back into the makeup case, I turn and open the door.
Jared turns in his seat as though he sensed my approach. "Are you alright? Should I have the stewardess get you something?" he asks as he guides me past his legs and into my seat.
I smile at him and shake my head. "No, I'm fine now. Really." I lean back into my large seat and close my eyes. "I'm just going to rest for awhile. Wake me when we're over Cascade," I murmur, the Valium already pulling me into a deep sleep.
My dreams are erratic. They always are when drug induced. I dream of Blair, flying through the air on a toilet, a cape billowing out behind him. He's so young and I smile at him and wave. He laughs and waves back. But when he raises his arm, the cape slips free from his neck and as if caught on a large gust of wind, it blows off and disappears into the clouds. I follow it with my eyes, and when I turn back, Blair is crying and clutching at the toilet tank, his eyes clenched tightly shut. And he's no longer flying. He's falling. He's falling and crying and I reach out and grasp nothing but air.
I gasp and sit up in my seat. My heart is pounding again but quickly evens out due to the Valium. Something is pressing against my face, pressing into my eyes, and I push it away.
"It's okay, everything's okay," I hear finally. I blink and turn and Jared's there, a wet tissue clenched in his hand. "You're alright," he says and I press my face against his shoulder. My muscles finally relax and I pull away.
"I'm okay," I say, nodding as if to reassure not only Jared, but myself as well.
"You want to talk about it?" he offers. I can tell he's sincere from the way he's looking at me, peering into my eyes, searching my soul.
I smile weakly and shake my head. "Just a silly dream," I answer.
"You have a lot of silly dreams lately," he replies, turning his head quickly away from me. I know he wants me to tell him what I dream, but they really are just silly little dreams. They don't mean anything. It's just all the excitement of going to see Blair. I haven't seen him in almost a year. I've been traveling, and he's been busy too. But it's Blair's thirtieth birthday and he invited me to come celebrate.
I don't know how I'm going to tell him about Jared. Will he be happy for me? Will he be angry? Will he like Jared? Will Jared like Blair? It's not often Blair and I are together, so I know I have to tell him now. He would be so hurt if I told him over the phone or through a letter. Not that I haven't considered those options. But I've caused him so much hurt recently. I can't be the cause of any more. But I'm afraid that my news will hurt, no matter how gently I tell him.
After all, hadn't I always told him to detach with love? Hadn't I left behind a trail of boyfriends and friends who I feared getting too attached to? My head is beginning to ache as I remember the tears hastily brushed away by small, dirt smudged hands, as Blair too struggled to detach with love. Some of those men had loved Blair like their very own and I can remember Blair kissing and hugging and calling them daddy. Until one day he didn't.
I don't know what prompted the change, but one day my friends were just that, 'Naomi's friends'. Blair never called them daddy and never got close to any of them again. He'd be polite and go places with them when he was invited. Some of the men I'd dated went out of their way to befriend Blair. Buying him things he wanted, and taking him to ball games. But they'd soon grow frustrated by the distance he kept between them and himself. They didn't understand why a fatherless boy didn't want a man to hang around.
Of course I knew. How could I not? So I just nodded and gave him my blessing when he left to go to the library, saying he had homework to do. My stomach twists sharply at the memory-I knew Blair wasn't always at the library. Sometimes he'd leave and wouldn't come back for hours, and to this day, I still don't know where he'd go. Then he joined the basketball team. The smallest player, but quick on his feet his coach used to praise. Then the science club. I still don't understand why he felt he had to steal a microscope instead of just asking for one. But since the incident never led to further delinquency, I put it out of my head and went on with life.
Was I wrong? Did that incident mean something and I just never saw?
I never asked and I never wondered when the judge ordered Blair into therapy. It was just a microscope. Leave it to 'the man' to blow the whole thing out of proportion and see Blair as some deranged criminal. A friend had told me that Blair's aura seemed off-dark and smudged, so I sent him to see an emotional freedom therapist my friend had recommended. The therapist was a licensed counselor in the state of Washington so the judge was happy.
There was no way I was going to send him to another quack like the one Blair saw as a baby. So what if he wet the bed and had nightmares? I didn't mind him sleeping with me. He was a late bloomer. All children develop at different rates. Blair just needed more time with some things. I mean, really, what good did it do to have Blair go and play with toys with some stranger for two hours a day three times a week? Besides line the man's wallet that is. I know all about quacks like that. I dated one for two weeks and that explained it all.
It wasn't long before Blair started at Rainier and he seemed happy enough after that. We'd had him emancipated so I wouldn't need to be contacted for every little thing. After all, it was Blair's life and the decisions should have been up to him. No one ever called or sent anything expressing concern regarding Blair after that, so I always assumed he was fine. He was fine, wasn't he?
I suppose it's too late to worry about any of that.
I need to focus on the present. I'm married to a loving man who understands my need for independence. He never tells me what to do, he doesn't expect me to keep house and pick up after him. He cooks, he cleans, and he makes love to me like I've never been loved before. Best of all, he knows about Blair and doesn't push me to tell him who Blair's father is. It's enough to know that the man isn't a part of my life and never will be.
I squeeze Jared's hand and he turns back to me. "Just a silly dream," I say again and smile broadly at him. His pout melts away and he leans in, catching my lips and kissing me hard. His tongue dances in my mouth and I cup his cheek tenderly. What did I ever do to deserve this man?
Needing air, Jared finally pulls away and smiles gently at me. "I love you," he says, then says it again, more firmly. As if willing me to believe him. I never doubted him. Ever. He's waited a long time for me-years, and now that he finally has me he doesn't really believe it. How do I make him understand that I have never even considered this commitment with any man before him? And it took eight years for me to make it now.
Jared is unlike any man I have ever dated or slept with. We've been together now for seven months, not including the time we were together before. We'd met in New York eight years ago. He was there for a medical conference and I was there with a friend. I was enamored immediately. He was so handsome, but so shy. My friend and I were having dinner in the hotel dining room and I could see this handsome man sitting at the bar with a small group. I tried to catch his eye, but he blushed and turned away. When he looked back, I smiled and waved. He smiled but then frowned, his eyes flickering over to my friend.
I'd patted my friend on the arm and made an excuse to go to the bar. I leaned into the handsome man's space and ordered my drink. I laid my hand on his arm and slid it down, resting it on his knee. 'I'm Naomi,' I'd said. 'He's just a friend' I'd explained. We moved to a private table and after a while, my friend left. We'd spent hours talking and laughing. But at the end of the evening, he wouldn't take me back to his room. I tried pouting, I tried teasing, but he was firm. Early conference he'd said. So we made plans to have dinner together the following evening. He didn't refuse that night.
He was from Delaware and when the conference was over, we flew there together. He was curious about my job, and if I'd be missed. But I explained the heart has no choice in where it's led. I'd find another job quickly. And I did. I found myself falling in love and it scared me. The feelings were strong, so unlike what I'd felt with other men. Jared never tried to control me. I felt safe with him. It scared me. I left when I saw the ring in his underwear drawer. I loved him too much to say no, but I couldn't say yes.
We met again seven months ago, purely by chance. I was at a protest in New Jersey that turned bad. The pigs showed up and things got violent. I ended up at the emergency room for ten stitches on my temple where I'd been hit with the corner of a sign. As I was waiting for the cops to decide whether or not I was worth dragging to jail, a doctor swept up and took my arm. I turned and looked up into the most beautiful brown eyes I have ever seen. Jared's eyes.
The cops asked if he knew me and he said yes. They asked if he agreed to be responsible for me and he laughed and shook his head. 'No one's responsible for Naomi but Naomi,' he'd said. I spent the night in jail and moved in with Jared the next day. He said he forgave me but I don't think he really did until we said our vows.
We married last month, in Hawaii on the beach. It was so romantic. A fairytale wedding. The kind I used to dream about as a little girl. I stopped letting myself believe in those dreams a long time ago, but apparently they really can come true.
I wonder if Blair and Angeline are engaged yet. She is such a beautiful woman. So strong. She reminds me of me in so many ways. She can take care of herself. Blair told me about her parents, how poor Angeline was thrust into the caretaker role at such an early age.
I know Blair won't treat her wrong. I raised him to respect women. I'm not surprised he found someone as strong as Angeline. Someone who didn't need Blair to make all the decisions-who wasn't afraid to think for herself. An equal.
I'm roused from my musings by the lurch of the airplane as it touches the runway. We've landed and I hadn't realized we were even over Cascade. But that's okay. We made it and it's time to go see my son.
Jared steadies me as I rise from my seat and hands me my carry-on from overhead. I slip my hand into his and we slowly follow the path of travelers down the metal tunnel and out into the bright lights of the airport.
I scan the sea of faces but don't see Blair. I turn in a half moon and squint but he still doesn't appear. Finally, I hear, "Naomi!" and see Angeline waving and pushing her way through the crowd. I hug her and drop a kiss on her cheek and look behind her for my Blair. He's not there.
"I'm so sorry Naomi, Blair had a last minute dinner meeting. He'll be meeting us at his condo," she explains. I'm disappointed and I can feel my heart begin to thrum again. Tension is winding its way up my neck at the thought of postponing my reunion with my son. I muster a smile and take her hand.
"I understand," I say cheerfully. "It happens," I add, to show I really do understand. But how my son let work, let some conglomerate come before family is beyond my comprehension. What has my son become? 'Nonsense' I scold myself. 'He's still the same Blair, your baby boy,' I reassure myself.
Turning to Jared, I wrap my arm around Angeline. "Jared, this is Blair's friend, Angeline." I see him wince and wonder briefly what's wrong. But then he smiles and takes her hand.
"It's wonderful to meet you," he says, turning to me to continue the introductions.
I go to his side and wrap my arm around his waist. "This is Jared," I say, squeezing his middle. I'm not wearing a ring-too establishment, so there is no outward sign that we are married. I don't want to risk Angeline saying anything to Blair before I have a chance to tell him my news. The brief introduction will have to do.
I look up and he's frowning, but when he catches my eyes, he smiles and squeezes me back. He surprises me by leaning down and capturing my mouth in a lingering kiss. There is no doubt about our relationship now.
"Well," I say, when he pulls away, grinning madly. "Let's get our bags. I'm so looking forward to seeing my baby again."
Angeline and I make idle chatter, catching up on news while we make our way to the luggage carousels. We grab our bags and cross to the parking garage. We're loaded and heading towards Blair in no time.
I'm not nervous any longer. Blair will understand. It was my decision. He should be happy that I've finally found someone to love. Like he has. We both deserve to be loved.
I can see the lighthouse in the distance, beckoning us forward. Almost there. I'm practically thrumming with excitement. I lean forward slightly as we pull into the garage beneath the condo. I leave Jared to get our bags as I follow Angeline inside. The air is cool and I can see forward into the rec room. It's clean, not like the time I surprised Blair by stopping in on my way to California. He'd had papers strewn about and piles of dirty laundry. Like the Blair I remembered.
I'm standing in the doorway and a gentle nudge reminds me to move forward. Jared piles half of our luggage on the floor and goes to get more. I walk in and let my gaze linger on the wall. The only piece of my Blair left. I feel a pang of sorrow at that and quickly turn away. It's not the time. It will never be the time unless I want to admit that this is all my creation. My mistake. I'm not ready yet.
I turn and go down the hall, into Blair's office. You can tell he'd strived for neatness, but clutter was dominant. On the desk lay several folders and official looking documents, photographs, and mini-cassette tapes. A stack of typed papers was piled on the file cabinet and I drew closer to read the cover of the top paper. 'The Westward Journey'. Ah, his history class at the Salvation Army. Another sign that my Blair still existed. His love of learning and teaching was unique and it was a blessing that he was able to continue it.
A warmth at my back tells me Jared had joined me. I lean into him and his cologne tinged scent washes over me. He smells so good. The door upstairs slams shut and I smile. Blair!
Grinning, I grab Jared's hand and pull him behind me towards the stairs. Blair is home and I can't wait to share my news.
"Sweetie!" I squeal when I catch up to him in the living room. He jumps and turns around quickly. His face breaks out in a tired smile and he opens his arms as he comes closer.
"Mom," he says, as he wraps his arms around me and holds me close. I've missed him so much. I finally pull away and take his hands.
"Blair, I have someone I want you to meet. Someone very important to me." I let one hand go and turn, holding it out to Jared. As Jared approaches, I can see Blair's smile begin to fade and his grip on my hand tightens.
"Mom?" he says again, only this time it comes out unsure and shaky.
"It's okay baby, I promise," I say as Jared takes my hand. "Blair, I'd like you to meet Jared, my husband."
A gasp from the kitchen doorway startles me and I spin around. Angeline is standing there with her hand over her mouth.
"I'm sorry," she apologizes, quickly dropping her hand and forcing a smile. "I'm just surprised. You didn't say anything," she adds.
"I know darling. I just wanted it to be a surprise, and I wanted to make sure I was the one to tell Blair." I turn back around and Blair is just standing there, staring at Jared.
"Sweetie? Are you alright?" I raise my hand to his face and he turns his eyes to me. He smiles-a small, thin smile, but a smile nonetheless.
"I'm okay. Just a little shocked. You didn't . . ." he chokes off, clears his throat and tries again. "You didn't say anything. When?" he asks.
"Last month. It was just the two of us Sweetie. We wanted to do this together, a small ceremony between just us." It was a lie and I knew it, but I didn't want to tell Blair that it was my idea to keep it simple. Jared had mentioned having close family there, but I just didn't want anything to detract from us.
Blair looks at Jared and then back at me. "Congratulations," he says before wrapping me in his arms again. The hug is tense, but at least he understands. He pulls back and reaches his hand out to Jared. "Congratulations," he says again.
He clears his throat and then gestures down the hall. "Um, I have to go do something. I'll be right back," he says before disappearing into one of the rooms and shutting the door.
"I don't think he took that well," Jared murmurs beside me. I look at him, surprised.
"Of course he did. He was just a little shocked. Once he adjusts he'll be fine," I say, trying to sound confident. In my head, something else entirely was going on. 'Oh god! What have I done! Why didn't I give him some time? Or talk to him alone? Why did I just blurt it out like that? What is wrong with me?'
I can feel myself sway and strong arms enfold me and lead me over to the coach. "You're alright. Just breathe slowly. Deep breaths. Slow, that's it." I can feel my head clear and I sit up straighter.
"I'm alright. I'm fine, really. I just lost my breath for a second. It's all been a little overwhelming." I lean against Jared and close my eyes. A cool touch against my hand lures my eyes open again and Angeline hands me a glass of water. I smile my thanks and take a small sip. Angeline looks at me with an intensity that surprises me before speaking.
"I'm going to check on Blair. Please, make yourselves at home." She disappears down the hallway after Blair and Jared and I are alone once more.
"Was that the reaction you were looking for?"
"What?" I say, tiredly. "Of course not. I wasn't thinking. I thought he'd be happy for me-for us."
"Naomi," Jared starts, but then fumbles to a halt. He shakes his head and wraps his arm tighter around me and leans his head on top of mine. "I'm just glad I've told my family already. They couldn't take that kind of surprise," he says quietly.
My face flames and tears prickle at my eyes. I am ashamed. Was I trying to hurt Blair? Am I angry with him for some reason? Why do I always hurt him?
"I never should have been a parent." I turn my head and sob into Jared's chest, "I've always been bad at it. I've never known how to be a parent, never knew the right words. I thought I would be better at it by now," I mourn.
"You are a good parent Naomi. I love you. You've always been there for me," Blair quiet voice insists at my side. I lift my tear stained face and look down at him.
"Really sweetie?" I ask, my eyes pleading to hear a truth I know is a lie.
"Really," my baby agrees. I turn to him and wrap my arms around him and pull him close.
"I love you so much," I tell him, pulling away and wiping at my eyes.
"I know. And I love you too mom. Okay? Now please stop crying. It's a joyous time, right? I mean, you're married! Hell must have frozen over when I wasn't' looking," he jokes, trying to lighten the mood.
I laugh and do my best to ignore the concerned looks from Jared and Angeline. "Okay, then. Enough of this wallowing. We've got a party to plan," I announce.
Blair raises his eyebrow in that endearing way of his and looks puzzled. "I suppose we can whip together a reception," he says slowly.
I smile at my only child and shake my head fondly. "For you sweetie. For your birthday. You only turn thirty once."
Blair blushes and stands up. "Oh no. That's really not necessary. Maybe we'll just do something small here at the condo-just a few friends."
Blair never was good with attention. But this day is his and I've ruined it enough.
"Nonsense!" I say. "I've brought along the photo albums. We can blow up some of your baby pictures. Wouldn't that just be adorable?" I gush.
Blair groans and covers his face. "I'll never live it down," he moans piteously.
"Blair Jodi Sandburg! Don't you smart mouth your mother," I warn.
He moans again.
"That's what I thought." I wrap my arm around his shoulders and hug him quickly. "Oh, this'll be so much fun . . .."
END