Disclaimer: Okay, let's get this part over with. Not putting this up again
o.o None of the characters or the basic story line are mine (besides
Selena, of course!), they belong to Naoko Takeuchi.
Author's Note: I will be using some Japanese words and phrases from time to
time. I will make those translations at the beginning of each chapter in
the Author's Note. Until then, enjoy the story and ja ne! (See ya!)
Prologue
If you have found this journal, Small Lady, it is because I am not here to tell the story to you myself. Do not cry, little one, for you are far too noble a princess to shed a tear for a simple soldier such as I. Only read, so that you may know my true story... which is truly part of your story as well.
I find it hard to come up with simple words to describe it all. Spoken language has never shown enough of what a person must really feel. It cannot come close to describing the feelings held deep within me. Nonetheless, this is the way that this message must be passed on. Here will I write my history, and if I'm lucky, my soul. With some small bit of luck, perhaps it will convey my heart to you.
My name means little to you, probably. If so, then all is as it should be. This should be the first time any utterance of my name should come to your attention if the plans laid out came through as planned. I write this to you, little one, not to destroy your crystalline-perfect world, but to perhaps shed some light on doubts that must have lingered in your mind at one time.
I said that before that I am a soldier... though I am not quite certain whether I deserve that title at all. A soldier is meant to be strong, a protector to whom they are sword, no matter what task may be at hand. But I suppose I am weak to have to expose my emotions after all that has happened. Now, I guess, it is better they come out in this journal in ink instead of in battle in spoken word and action.
My feelings are rampant, uncontrollable bits of my being that weigh down my load as a soldier. Perhaps this constant weight on my shoulders is the cross I need to bare for the sins of my past.
I once expressed my wild tendencies without a care in the world as to who I may hurt. Now, perhaps, that little bit of chaos that exists in my heart is merely kept secret. I can only hope that as I cut myself from the mortal world, my friends, my family, and - at times, myself; that those I have hurt can find it in themselves to forgive. If not, it is certainly not any more than I deserve.
The world in which I live is a lonely place, now. Its name is no longer uttered except for a new, colder name given to it by mortal man who cannot possibly know of the beauty and splendor that was once housed there. All lived in immeasurable peace and harmony until that thick, black, rancid cloud descended upon our happy existence. It came long before many know. They only saw the enemies flooding our world with death and destruction. They did not know of the evil that started long before, and let this more devastating evil in while no one was looking or expecting it to happen. The least expectant of all was the one who proved to be the key in starting the downfall of an era of the likes that of which will probably never be seen again. The princesses of these planets who deserved nothing less than a life of peace and happiness and undying love of their family, friends, and soul mate. But alas, these princesses had to become soldiers, fighting for something already lost the moment their eyes first saw battle. And so, now there is nothing left of what was, save a few precious memories.
Dear princess, I hope that your gentle purity may never be tarnished by battle, though I think this hope may be in vain. If one day it so happens your precious fingers need to wield the might that is borne to you alone to defeat your enemies, I pray you remember innocence, youth, peace, hope, and most of all - love. All of these I once had, and lost so that in the long run, there may be a glimmering, shining hope that these, plus more, will always be yours, sweet princess.
Though I have lost their respect and most probably my place in their heart and mind, there are noble soldiers who will come to fight by your side, sacrifice their lives for yours. I know it will be because I have prayed that it will be so.
Always know that even though I lost everything for you, I know it will be worth it in the end. Physical pain does not faze me any longer - my body is dulled to it now.
I am at a point in my life where I no longer have someone to love, or anyone who would return my love if I had it to give. But fear not, gentle princess, I have great hope that perhaps I lost these heavenly gifts so that you may have them more than anyone else. That, perhaps, is the only gift I have to give to you.
Even as my journey has become a walk of steps that lead me to a place I know I must go, some things still perplex me. What would have happened had I not made that singular choice that changed my whole world? I know that if I so wished, I could possibly stop it all from happening. Stop all the pain I know it will cause. Even now I can hear the shuffling footsteps of those who simply pass by. I can still hear the murmurs that decided my fate.
Oh, princess, if guilt were a thing that could physically wound me so that I may suffer slowly and die a death so painful it would make even a war god, or death god cringe, I know of those who would wish it on me. But they do no know I suffer a worse fate. That death they wish for me is happening, more slowly than they could have thought, more painful than they could have wished for. I die inside. Dying with every second that I must live with what has been done. I have more time yet. But death will come to my heart and soul long before it touches my mortal body.
I have lost who I once was to the me that is here now. Sometimes, tiny bits of it will come back to me, and I will smile. But then it is gone, leaving me worse off than before because I must lose it again and again. Soon enough, it will be forever lost to me.
Dear princess, Fate save you from a fate such as mine. I cannot. I leave that to those around you. I can only hope that it will be enough.
Prologue
If you have found this journal, Small Lady, it is because I am not here to tell the story to you myself. Do not cry, little one, for you are far too noble a princess to shed a tear for a simple soldier such as I. Only read, so that you may know my true story... which is truly part of your story as well.
I find it hard to come up with simple words to describe it all. Spoken language has never shown enough of what a person must really feel. It cannot come close to describing the feelings held deep within me. Nonetheless, this is the way that this message must be passed on. Here will I write my history, and if I'm lucky, my soul. With some small bit of luck, perhaps it will convey my heart to you.
My name means little to you, probably. If so, then all is as it should be. This should be the first time any utterance of my name should come to your attention if the plans laid out came through as planned. I write this to you, little one, not to destroy your crystalline-perfect world, but to perhaps shed some light on doubts that must have lingered in your mind at one time.
I said that before that I am a soldier... though I am not quite certain whether I deserve that title at all. A soldier is meant to be strong, a protector to whom they are sword, no matter what task may be at hand. But I suppose I am weak to have to expose my emotions after all that has happened. Now, I guess, it is better they come out in this journal in ink instead of in battle in spoken word and action.
My feelings are rampant, uncontrollable bits of my being that weigh down my load as a soldier. Perhaps this constant weight on my shoulders is the cross I need to bare for the sins of my past.
I once expressed my wild tendencies without a care in the world as to who I may hurt. Now, perhaps, that little bit of chaos that exists in my heart is merely kept secret. I can only hope that as I cut myself from the mortal world, my friends, my family, and - at times, myself; that those I have hurt can find it in themselves to forgive. If not, it is certainly not any more than I deserve.
The world in which I live is a lonely place, now. Its name is no longer uttered except for a new, colder name given to it by mortal man who cannot possibly know of the beauty and splendor that was once housed there. All lived in immeasurable peace and harmony until that thick, black, rancid cloud descended upon our happy existence. It came long before many know. They only saw the enemies flooding our world with death and destruction. They did not know of the evil that started long before, and let this more devastating evil in while no one was looking or expecting it to happen. The least expectant of all was the one who proved to be the key in starting the downfall of an era of the likes that of which will probably never be seen again. The princesses of these planets who deserved nothing less than a life of peace and happiness and undying love of their family, friends, and soul mate. But alas, these princesses had to become soldiers, fighting for something already lost the moment their eyes first saw battle. And so, now there is nothing left of what was, save a few precious memories.
Dear princess, I hope that your gentle purity may never be tarnished by battle, though I think this hope may be in vain. If one day it so happens your precious fingers need to wield the might that is borne to you alone to defeat your enemies, I pray you remember innocence, youth, peace, hope, and most of all - love. All of these I once had, and lost so that in the long run, there may be a glimmering, shining hope that these, plus more, will always be yours, sweet princess.
Though I have lost their respect and most probably my place in their heart and mind, there are noble soldiers who will come to fight by your side, sacrifice their lives for yours. I know it will be because I have prayed that it will be so.
Always know that even though I lost everything for you, I know it will be worth it in the end. Physical pain does not faze me any longer - my body is dulled to it now.
I am at a point in my life where I no longer have someone to love, or anyone who would return my love if I had it to give. But fear not, gentle princess, I have great hope that perhaps I lost these heavenly gifts so that you may have them more than anyone else. That, perhaps, is the only gift I have to give to you.
Even as my journey has become a walk of steps that lead me to a place I know I must go, some things still perplex me. What would have happened had I not made that singular choice that changed my whole world? I know that if I so wished, I could possibly stop it all from happening. Stop all the pain I know it will cause. Even now I can hear the shuffling footsteps of those who simply pass by. I can still hear the murmurs that decided my fate.
Oh, princess, if guilt were a thing that could physically wound me so that I may suffer slowly and die a death so painful it would make even a war god, or death god cringe, I know of those who would wish it on me. But they do no know I suffer a worse fate. That death they wish for me is happening, more slowly than they could have thought, more painful than they could have wished for. I die inside. Dying with every second that I must live with what has been done. I have more time yet. But death will come to my heart and soul long before it touches my mortal body.
I have lost who I once was to the me that is here now. Sometimes, tiny bits of it will come back to me, and I will smile. But then it is gone, leaving me worse off than before because I must lose it again and again. Soon enough, it will be forever lost to me.
Dear princess, Fate save you from a fate such as mine. I cannot. I leave that to those around you. I can only hope that it will be enough.