Revenge of the Main Male Characters

By Lady Lostris

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters except the OC.  They all belong to J.K. Rowling.  Please don't sue.  I have no money anyway.  Oh, and anything shamelessly ripped off of Rocky Horror Picture Show belongs to whatever film company made that movie.

Summary:  A Mary Sue has come to Hogwarts.  Can the Marauders rid the school of her vile presence?

A/N:  NOT your typical Mary Sue story.  If you like Mary Sues, stop reading now.  If you don't, continue.  Thanks to cracklizard for quasi-beta-reading and being a quasi-muse.

The Vile Presence Takes Over

Setting:  The Hogwarts Express, in a compartment towards the rear.  Four male friends lounge on four of the six seats.

NARRATOR: The train had just left Kings Cross Station, with four of its companions already planning adventures for the coming year.  They sat in their usual compartment.  This was their usual compartment because most were wise enough to avoid it, wanting neither a prank, nor a curse, nor an insult.  Therefore our four friends found it a bit odd when the door opened and the person on the other side wasn't who they were expecting it to be.

JAMES:  Hey Lil--.  He does a double take.  You're not Lily.

NARRATOR:  Indeed the newcomer was not.  Instead of red hair and green eyes, this girl had long, flowing brown hair, deep, beautiful, golden brown eyes, with a perfect complexion and everything exactly where it should be and in the right proportions.  Her robes fit better than any of them had ever seen robes fit anyone before.

A coughing, choking sound comes from the distance as the author chokes on her own description of the character.  The author takes a sip of water to calm her coughing fit.  Now, back to the story.

NARRATOR:  Any normal young adult male of the human race would have wondered what she looked like under her robes.  Since our heroes aren't exactly normal, this was not the case.  They just wondered who she was, where she had come from, and most of all, what the heck she was doing in their compartment.

JAMES:  Who are you, where did you come from, and what are you doing in our compartment?

NEWCOMER:  tucking perfect hair behind perfect ear with perfectly manicured fingers  I'm Mary Sue Adriana Genevieve Tiffany Johnson.  But you can call me Mary Sue.  I'm a transfer student from America.  All of the other compartments are full, or no one wants me to sit there.  May I sit here?  Thanks.  Without waiting for an answer, she sits in the seat next to James and crosses her perfect legs.  Who are all of you?

JAMES:  James Potter.

SIRIUS:  Sirius Black.

REMUS:  Remus Lupin.

PETER:  Peter Pettigrew.

MARY SUE:  It's very nice to meet y'all.

Suddenly the door opens.  In walks LILY.  She sees someone sitting in her seat.

LILY:  to MARY SUE  You.  Out of my seat.

MARY SUE:  I don't see you sitting in it.  That means it was empty and I could sit in it.

LILY:  OUT.  Now.

MARY SUE stands up and moves to the seat next to Sirius.  She flashes him a dazzling smile.

SIRIUS:  sarcastically  Thanks Lil.

LILY:  No problem, Padfoot.

MARY SUE:  Why did she call you Padfoot?

SIRIUS:  Because I have a foot fetish.

MARY SUE:  That's interesting.  Do you come across many people with foot fetishes?

SIRIUS doesn't answer.  He's gone back to reading the latest edition of Quidditch Weekly.

MARY SUE:  Oh, you like Quidditch?  So do I.  I absolutely adore the game.  Do you play?

SIRIUS:  not looking up from magazine  Prongs does.

MARY SUE:  Why do you call him Prongs?

SIRIUS:  in complete seriousness  Because he has a fork fetish.

MARY SUE:  And the other two?  Do you call them anything?

SIRIUS:  still reading his magazine  Remus is Moony and Peter is Wormtail.

MARY SUE:  raises a perfect eyebrow  Moony?

SIRIUS:  His fetish changes with the phases of the moon.  You know how it is.

MARY SUE:  And Wormtail?

SIRIUS:  Don't ask.

MARY SUE:  pointing at LILY  What do you call her?

SIRIUS:  Lily.

MARY SUE:  Why?

SIRIUS:  Because that's her name.

The MARAUDERS and LILY look at each other then burst out laughing.  They laugh for five minutes before calming down enough to continue what they were doing before, SIRIUS reading his magazine, LILY and JAMES sharing another, and PETER and REMUS both looking out the window.

NARRATOR:  Despite all of her attempts to start a conversation, each of her traveling companions found a way to ignore her, but not before SIRIUS, who appeared to be her chosen prey, had first climbed into REMUS'S lap and then hidden under PETER'S seat.  This is where he was cowering when the train finally pulled into Hogwarts.  Only after much persuasion on the part of the rest of the MARAUDERS was he finally convinced to come out.  Each of them entered the school, filled not with antici-- (say it!) pation, but with apprehension.  What sorts of things would that vile girl do to their beloved school?

END SCENE

~~~~~~~~~~

A/N:  Hope you liked it.  Did anyone spot the Rocky Horror ripoff?  Next chapter, the Sorting Ceremony.  Hey, even the Mary Sue's gotta have a House, right?