Chapter 3: Never forgive me…
A/N:  I actually finished it two days ago but my internet connection was crazy. So, here's chapter 3. Thanks for the reviews. I appreciate them. I wish I had more time so that I could thank my reviewers personally but..Well… I'll try next time. Review this one too, please!! Also, check out my Sirius journal: http:// www. sirius-star .net and my lj http:// www. livejournal .com/~siriusangel for updates (since my domain/blog is down).

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   "Do sit down, boys. Lemon Drops?"

   Sitting down, the trio shook their heads feebly. Their eyes were still red from crying but Dumbledore said there was a way to help Sirius…

   "Well, then…" Dumbledore started, "It is well known that the Potion of Eternal sleep pushes oneself into a very deep slumber forever that others might mistake them as dead. Somehow, not many know that the potion put its victims to eternal sleep only if the victims do not have enough desire to be alive."

   The boys looked at each other, confused written on their faces.

   The Headmaster continued, "We have tried to probe into young Mr.Black's mind and performed a number of spells to find out how deep did the potion affected him… What we found was a total shock to all of us. It seems like Mr.Black's mind appears to be blank and dark, which means only one thing…" The older man looked at the trio sadly, hesitating to tell more.

   "Please sir, what does it mean?"

   "Well, it appears that Mr.Black does not have the will to live anymore. If you use a spell to look into the mind of the victims that wanted to be alive, you would see a kaleidoscope of colours. But…I'm sorry, boys. I'm afraid he was put to sleep for eternity." At this point, Peter had both his hands on his mouth and James practically fell off his seat while Remus looked like he'd been hit with Stupefy. "But Headmaster, you said- -" "Yes, yes, my boys. There is a way to help. The three of you need to really want to help him. You are the closest ones to him so it won't be a problem for you to go into his mind and soul and wake him up."

   "Wake him up? Wake him up how?"

   "Convince his soul that you need him and that he needs to be alive. In other words,you need to convince him to live. Now, I know that the three of you have not been in good terms with him lately. It's up to you to decide to help him or not. There is a spell that would separate your souls from your body for a while and let you travel into your friend's mind and communicate with his soul. The risk is quite high, actually… You are not to use magic in his mind. Otherwise, you or him may die. So, are you up for the challenge of bringing Mr.Black back, gentlemen?"

   Silence dawned upon the room for a good five minutes; each of them lost in their own little world. Convincing an individual as Sirius was proven hard countless times. Surely, convincing his SOUL would be a lot harder. Sirius Black was known as a nasty-tempered, hard-headed boy and changing his mind would be very, very, difficult. Despite his cleverness, he was a fool in his own hard way. Sirius Black may be one of Hogwarts' cleverest students but he regularly acted without thinking first. It was a while before the whole truth started to sink into the heads of the three young men.

Sirius Black did not have the desire to live anymore…

Sirius Black had been upset for days…

Sirius Black had fallen into a depression but they did not care…

Sirius Black had asked for forgiveness but they rudely ignored him…

The last words Sirius Black had heard from either of them were "I wish you were dead!"…

Now, Sirius Black was as good as dead and they were upset…

Sirius Black did not have the desire to live anymore because of them…

   "It's our fault…" Remus' words were barely audible to the ears of the other four; thanks for the silence of the room. "All he wanted from us was our forgiveness. And yet, we ignored him as if he didn't even exist. We were at faults. We…" He could not find words to continue. He could not bring himself to speak more. Sirius had tried to reason but neither of them cared. They simply did not want to hear what he'd got to say. They were - - No, HE was selfish. He, Remus Lupin, drowned himself to deep in blind rage to notice that no matter how perfect Sirius appears to look like; the other boy was just a human. Human makes mistakes all the time. There was no such thing as perfection in this world. Everything has its own flaws be it visible or not. Yet, the blind rage managed to hide Remus Lupin from such truth.

   James put his hand on Remus' shoulder and gave it a soothing squeeze before turning back to Dumbledore. "Remus is right, sir. We were blind, too helplessly blind to notice that our pride, selfishness and stupidity had been killing Sirius' desire to live. We were too blind to notice that we, too, betrayed him. The moment he told us he ran away from home, we promised to be there for him. We promised to never let him feel lonely but …" James looked down and sighed. "We were just too blind to realise that we were supposed to be there for him…" Eyes travelled to the mousy haired boy in their group as he spoke with shaking voice. "We were supposed to try to understand his reasons. But we… We told him to go away and save his reasons for himself…" Dumbledore held his hand to stop Peter from continuing his rare speech.

   "Really, boys. Now isn't the right time to regret your choices. We have a dying young man in the infirmary, who also happened to be your friend (- "Best friend," James interrupted but was ignored -). If we don't convince him in - - " he looked at his magical watch "- - approximately forty-two hours, his soul will be lost to us forever; and forever he may sleep. So now, what is your choice?"

   "I'm taking the risk. I want to save him and tell him how much he really means to us," Remus pulled a determined face as he stood up. James mirrored his actions. "Remus is right. Our little pact will never be complete without him. I'll take the risk to, whatever it is." "I..I'm game too," Peter followed, although sounding a little scared. The merry twinkle returned to the Headmaster's eyes as he smiled wholeheartedly. "I'm proud you, boys. It takes a lot of courage and not to mention a lot of love and trust to make such decisions. I shall expect the three of you by midnight in the hospital wing. For now, you may return to your dormitory and try to get some rest. You are going to need energy for this." The boys nodded and excused themselves, walking to the direction of Gryffindor Tower.

   "I never thought that something like this could possibly happen… To Sirius, our Sirius, of all people…" James whispered as he ran his hands in his tousled hair. Peter nodded. "We've been mean to him. True, we were mad at him but we shouldn't have made him feel so bad that he feels like he doesn't deserve to live anymore… The last words I spoke to him were 'go to hell, Black.' "James patted on Peter's shoulder. "I know how you feel, Wormtail. My last words to him were harsh, too. I told him he was just as bad as the rest of the Blacks. Regulus and most of the Slytherins were there when I told him so. I don't think I've ever seen him more embarrassed in his life. And - - " "And I told him I wish he'd never been born, " Remus interrupted before James could finish his sentence, "I told him I wish he were dead."

   The three of them fell into silence again; mentally berating themselves for letting their stupid Gryffindor pride blinded them from the very simple nature of life. Each of them wished they've talked to Sirius after the Whomping Willow incident. They should have asked him what possessed him to send Severus Snape after Remus. So many 'what ifs' and too much regrets… The least they could do was try their best to bring their best friend back. "You guys go on to the dorm. I have something to do." Remus told them as he headed to the opposite direction from Gryffindor Tower. The last thing he said before he was completely out of their sight was , "For Merlin's sake, please don't come after me!"

   James and Peter were confused. They looked at each other and shrugged. "Pete, do you mind going to the dorm alone? I think I need to do something – Don't look at me like that! I'm not going to betray Remus' trust by following him! – I just need some time to myself… Well… Catch you later, Wormtail!" With that, James disappeared out of sight, leaving Peter frowning in confusion. ". . . Whatever, Prongs."

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   Remus skidded to a halt as he reached the Potions Dungeon. Catching his breath, he stood at the doorway with eyes wide open. The dungeon was a mess. Broken glasses littered all around the classroom. The smell was sharp. Desk and chairs on which the racks had fallen on to shattered. Suddenly, everything was clear. The screaming Remus had heard on the train was Sirius. The sound of glass shattering… A male screaming… The familiar voice… It all made sense. He 'heard' Sirius. He didn't know why but he was very certain that he heard the other boy's scream. Pieces of Muggle papers were littered everywhere. A familiar blue envelope was lying under a broken chair. Remus bent down to pick it up. It read "Hear me Out". In Sirius' beautiful calligraphic handwriting. His heart raced. Remus immediately sprang into action of picking up every bit of papers on the floor. Some were dirtied by the spilled potions but every word was still visible. He sat down to the only remaining unbroken chair and desk at the end of the classroom and arranged the papers in order. Summoning his courage, he started to read:

Dearest Moony,

     I know you've forbid me from calling you by your nickname but I can't help it. The name was already carved onto my heart. Nothing you do would be able to scrap it off. I don't know why I'm writing this but it feels so right. It feels like I'm talking to you again and that thought makes every fiber in my heart happy. I know that later this night, this very letter will be back into my hands. I know you'd treat this letter as if it is just a piece of nuisance and filth. I can't blame you for that. You have every right to feel like that after what I've done. I'd be surprised if you don't. I mean, I'd think that myself is finally insane and be glad when Dumbledore ships me off to St.Mungo's.

     You know, I've been thinking to myself lately. I think what you said really make sense. I shouldn't have been born. My fool of a mother always said I was a shame to the family ever since I was sorted into Gryffindor and befriended you, Prongs and Wormtail. I didn't care what my parents think. They simply hated the thought of me befriending Gryffindors and they insisted that I should have been sorted into Slytherin instead. She used to call me an abomination, the shame of her flesh and a useless boy. As painful as it sounds, I think I agree. I almost get you, James and that stupid Snape killed. If James had not rescued Snape, I shudder to think how many more lives will be ripped away because of me.

     Do you know why I write 'more lives'? Well, believe it or not, someone died because of me when I was little. She was my babysitter, Sierra. Mom and Dad were always busy so I was left in her care. Regulus had a different babysitter, of course. Well, Sierra treated me like a real mother would. One day, I asked her to let me walk outside. Living inside the house was very depressing. I hate the gloomy look and the eerie feeling I get whenever I was inside the blasted house. Sierra warned me to not go into the forest nearby but I didn't listen. I went inside and was attacked by a pack of wolves. Sierra died protecting me. I feel so responsible for her death. I should have known better when I sent Snape after you but being the rash person that I am, I simply didn't think.

     I never thought that my stupid deed cost me our friendship; the friendship I've come to cherish with all my life. I know that you probably won't be reading this letter but I feel the need to write this anyway. I need you to know why I acted so stupid that day. When you disappeared into the Shrieking Shack, I was on my way to the Great Hall for dinner. James and Peter were already there. On the way, I met Snape. He asked me where you were and I refused to tell him. I told him it wasn't his business. I threatened to hex him if he did not let me pass but instead of stepping back, he chose to provoke me. When he said you were sneaking off of Hogwarts to a Death Eater meeting, I tried to keep my calm and give him snide remarks. But when he said that you're a whore and that you were out there letting the Death Eaters screw you, I saw red. I punched him on the guts and told him to go to the Shrieking Shack. I told him how to get past the willow. By then, I only want him to see who you really are. I want to know that you're not the dirty person he thought you were. I want him to see how brave and strong you are despite the torture you have to endure every full moon. I want him to know how strong the man I love with all my life is.

     Yes, Moony, I love you. I don't mean that in the way I love James and Peter. I love you; I am in love with you. You don't know how much I want to capture your lips in a searing kiss whenever you talk to me. I want so badly to feel your touch, to run my hands all over you. I know you'd never love me back as much as you won't be reading this letter. I just want you to know that I really love you. People say that one does not fall in love at seventeen. They're wrong. What I feel is not a simple crush. It is not a feeling that will just fade away when told to. It was a pure and strong feeling, something that makes me feel so whole and complete. Whenever I look in your direction, my heart aches for you. Something inside me would scream for you and beg for your love. I've been in love with you years ago but never had the guts to tell you that because I know you'd be disgusted.

     It doesn't matter anymore, now. I've ruined everything. I've lost you before I even had you in my life. In my previous letters, I've been asking for your forgiveness but now I realise that I'm not worthy of that. I deserve this fate as much as I deserve to die. I won't take my own life. That's such a foolish thing to do. So, I think I'd stop annoying you with my worthless letters and leave you in peace. I'll never stop loving you, though. Once a Black falls in love, he stays in love forever. I'll continue to love you with all my heart. No one can ever replace you. I beg for your mercy and grant my one wish. I promise I won't ask for anything from you ever again. I have only one wish now.

Please never forgive me.

With all my love,

Sirius Black aka Padfoot.

. . .

. . .

. . .

   Burying his head in his right arm, Remus clutched the letter to his heart as he broke into heart-wrenching sobs… 'Oh, Padfoot! I love you too!! I'm sorry for making you think I don't!'

== TO BE CONTINUED ==

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Next chapter will have some James x Lily stuff ;-)