DEMONICANGELIC
***
Starbug continued to hurtle haplessly and uncontrollably towards the multicoloured planetoid, and at the steering wheel, Jack continued to hurtle haplessly and uncontrollably into drunkenness. Lager froth protruded from his wavering lips.
Torturous screeches and grimace-inducing squeals thundered around the hectic cockpit.
"WHAT THE SMEG ARE YOU DOIN'?!"
"YOU'RE GONNA GET US SMEGGIN' KILLED BUDDY!"
"MISTER KONRAD SIR... PLEASE!"
But Lister, The Cat and Kryten's helpless cries went unanswered at every attempt. All but Jack was thrown from wall to wall, against machine and crewmates.
Kryten struggled up to the nearest monitor. "Less than 10 minutes 'til impact. I fear, Mister Lister sir, we may have to - you know...."
Lister grappled with the nearest chair and hauled his bruised body up onto it. "You know what you have to do." He nodded at Kryten, then at the Cat, who was sitting dejectedly on the floor, trying in vain to restore his hair to it's original chauffeured splendour with his now broken comb (which also now had over three-quarters of the teeth missing.)
Kryten made his way sneakily to Starbug's bow... and up the clinking metal stairway, to the on-board medi-lab.
Time passed like rabbits on a dogtrack.
Lister gazed at the monitor in horror.
"Three minutes, thirty-three seconds 'til impact," Lister groaned. Jack span on his cockpit chair with an inane grin, and turned back again to face the moon that now overcame the window in front of him.
Kryten appeared in the cockpit doorway, behind his back toting a freshly chloroformed handkerchief. Gingerly, he tiptoed up behind the swaying Jack.
"NOW!" Lister cawed.
A white cloth bound itself around Jack's face. His eyelids drooped, his brain took all leave of consciousness, and his hand flailed into his pint- glass, sending it soaring through the air, almost in slow motion. The half- pint of liquid went sploshing from the glass, and was met quickly with a wail of;
"My HAIR!!!!"
"Now that 'Hi-Jack' is safely out of it," Lister hurriedly began as he glanced at the now sodden head of the Cat, "How long 'til impact Kryters?"
The Mechanoid's features plummeted into a chasm of disbelief as he stared at the screen.
"F...f...f...five seconds, sir!" A manic mechanoid, a squealing man and a drenched Cat watched on as the moon careered towards the plexiglass.
"Three... Two..." They scrunched up their faces and held out for the worst.
"IMPACT!"
Thick red, blue, green and purple clouds engulfed Starbug, clawing at the ship relentlessly, seeping through the plexiglass screens.
They were in a perpetual multicoloured darkness. Screams, yells and screeching moans hung in the deep air as the ship plundered through the moon.
And then there was silence.
The clouds cleared, and Starbug continued to float comfortably and normally, back in the big black.
Kryten's hand eventually peeped gingerly through a gap in his hands. His eyes were drawn to the unmarked screen on the untouched desk in front of his injury-less frame.
The screen was flashing. 'NO IMPACT DAMAGE'
Kryten looked on in disbelief around the cockpit. Lister still sat, face cupped in his trembling hands on his chair. The Cat was still situated on the floor struggling with his hair. Kryten glanced over to where Jack had been previously slumped.
Jack gazed right back at him - his face had taken on a slightly more conscious demeanor of a gargantuan smirk.
"Mister Konrad Sir?" Kryten stammered.
Lister and the Cat turned to meet Kryten's voice. Lister felt his body all over for any injuries, cuts or even a small bruise. There wasn't one anywhere. (Well, excluding the bruises gained through Lister's impact with Kryten, the Cat, and some walls before the impact with the moon.)
"Owwwhhhh... it's bad... It's real bad buddy... AAAAaaaaarrrrgggg...noooo..."
"CAT! Are you OK?" Lister and Kryten worryingly blurted in unison.
"Oooh...OOOWWWHHH....." Cat continued painfully as he grabbed his head.
"WHAT'S WRONG?!" Lister became frantically worried for his crewmate, and proceeded in clawing the medical box from a nearby cupboard, thrashing it on the floor and rooting around for some bandages and medicine.
"...You gotta brush and some gel in there Bud? Maybe a hairdryer?"
An exasperated sigh ripped from the pits of the rasta-plaited Scouser's lungs.
"What?! Have you SEEN my hair? It's everywhere! I've gone all HAIRY man! I look like the best Germany could come up with for an entry in the Miss World contest!!"
The sigh kept on it's ripping from Lister's lungs. "What happened?"
Jack stood up, fully functional and still fully smirked-up.
"Gas Moon." He laughed. "Had y'all going for a second there, didn't I? Smeg KNOWS what you're hiding in the back of your pants now..."
The realisation swept through the flummoxed crew in a tidal wave of irritation.
"How'd you know?" Lister finally asked.
Jack's reply was soberly honest. "I didn't become a top notch officer for nothing, Kiddo. Just cos I drink doesn't make me a complete moron. But being an officer doesn't stop me from needing a laugh every now and then, you know? Living with that Jade woman... I guess she's kinda made me a bit mal-adjusted, drove me a bit 'funny'. I'm sorry, guys. You know what it's like." He smiled, seeking some smiles in response.
He received them accordingly. Lister stood up from his seat. He could sympathise with Jack. After all, he'd spent more than eight years being stuck in close proximity with Rimmer. And after hearing all of Jack's tales of boredom and sheer fed-uppedness, he figured Jack deserved to be forgiven.
"Right then, turn her round and head her back to the Dwarf." Kryten was obliged to follow Lister's friendly order.
Starbug spun slowly on its bulbous, lime-green backside, and began to meander comfortably back home.
Maybe some people just can't handle having to be around people who could drive you space-crazy? Look what it had done to Jack. Driven from respectable Senior Researcher to drunken bum.
Lister took a look at himself. Rimmer had drove him from being a drunken space bum...to...
...A drunken space bum. Not much change there then.
After all, Lister thought, David Lister is a special kinda guy. The tough Scouser. The enlightened 23rd Century guy. He could handle it. He knew who to hang with, who to talk to, and most importantly... who to trust.
Or did he?
***
Starbug continued to hurtle haplessly and uncontrollably towards the multicoloured planetoid, and at the steering wheel, Jack continued to hurtle haplessly and uncontrollably into drunkenness. Lager froth protruded from his wavering lips.
Torturous screeches and grimace-inducing squeals thundered around the hectic cockpit.
"WHAT THE SMEG ARE YOU DOIN'?!"
"YOU'RE GONNA GET US SMEGGIN' KILLED BUDDY!"
"MISTER KONRAD SIR... PLEASE!"
But Lister, The Cat and Kryten's helpless cries went unanswered at every attempt. All but Jack was thrown from wall to wall, against machine and crewmates.
Kryten struggled up to the nearest monitor. "Less than 10 minutes 'til impact. I fear, Mister Lister sir, we may have to - you know...."
Lister grappled with the nearest chair and hauled his bruised body up onto it. "You know what you have to do." He nodded at Kryten, then at the Cat, who was sitting dejectedly on the floor, trying in vain to restore his hair to it's original chauffeured splendour with his now broken comb (which also now had over three-quarters of the teeth missing.)
Kryten made his way sneakily to Starbug's bow... and up the clinking metal stairway, to the on-board medi-lab.
Time passed like rabbits on a dogtrack.
Lister gazed at the monitor in horror.
"Three minutes, thirty-three seconds 'til impact," Lister groaned. Jack span on his cockpit chair with an inane grin, and turned back again to face the moon that now overcame the window in front of him.
Kryten appeared in the cockpit doorway, behind his back toting a freshly chloroformed handkerchief. Gingerly, he tiptoed up behind the swaying Jack.
"NOW!" Lister cawed.
A white cloth bound itself around Jack's face. His eyelids drooped, his brain took all leave of consciousness, and his hand flailed into his pint- glass, sending it soaring through the air, almost in slow motion. The half- pint of liquid went sploshing from the glass, and was met quickly with a wail of;
"My HAIR!!!!"
"Now that 'Hi-Jack' is safely out of it," Lister hurriedly began as he glanced at the now sodden head of the Cat, "How long 'til impact Kryters?"
The Mechanoid's features plummeted into a chasm of disbelief as he stared at the screen.
"F...f...f...five seconds, sir!" A manic mechanoid, a squealing man and a drenched Cat watched on as the moon careered towards the plexiglass.
"Three... Two..." They scrunched up their faces and held out for the worst.
"IMPACT!"
Thick red, blue, green and purple clouds engulfed Starbug, clawing at the ship relentlessly, seeping through the plexiglass screens.
They were in a perpetual multicoloured darkness. Screams, yells and screeching moans hung in the deep air as the ship plundered through the moon.
And then there was silence.
The clouds cleared, and Starbug continued to float comfortably and normally, back in the big black.
Kryten's hand eventually peeped gingerly through a gap in his hands. His eyes were drawn to the unmarked screen on the untouched desk in front of his injury-less frame.
The screen was flashing. 'NO IMPACT DAMAGE'
Kryten looked on in disbelief around the cockpit. Lister still sat, face cupped in his trembling hands on his chair. The Cat was still situated on the floor struggling with his hair. Kryten glanced over to where Jack had been previously slumped.
Jack gazed right back at him - his face had taken on a slightly more conscious demeanor of a gargantuan smirk.
"Mister Konrad Sir?" Kryten stammered.
Lister and the Cat turned to meet Kryten's voice. Lister felt his body all over for any injuries, cuts or even a small bruise. There wasn't one anywhere. (Well, excluding the bruises gained through Lister's impact with Kryten, the Cat, and some walls before the impact with the moon.)
"Owwwhhhh... it's bad... It's real bad buddy... AAAAaaaaarrrrgggg...noooo..."
"CAT! Are you OK?" Lister and Kryten worryingly blurted in unison.
"Oooh...OOOWWWHHH....." Cat continued painfully as he grabbed his head.
"WHAT'S WRONG?!" Lister became frantically worried for his crewmate, and proceeded in clawing the medical box from a nearby cupboard, thrashing it on the floor and rooting around for some bandages and medicine.
"...You gotta brush and some gel in there Bud? Maybe a hairdryer?"
An exasperated sigh ripped from the pits of the rasta-plaited Scouser's lungs.
"What?! Have you SEEN my hair? It's everywhere! I've gone all HAIRY man! I look like the best Germany could come up with for an entry in the Miss World contest!!"
The sigh kept on it's ripping from Lister's lungs. "What happened?"
Jack stood up, fully functional and still fully smirked-up.
"Gas Moon." He laughed. "Had y'all going for a second there, didn't I? Smeg KNOWS what you're hiding in the back of your pants now..."
The realisation swept through the flummoxed crew in a tidal wave of irritation.
"How'd you know?" Lister finally asked.
Jack's reply was soberly honest. "I didn't become a top notch officer for nothing, Kiddo. Just cos I drink doesn't make me a complete moron. But being an officer doesn't stop me from needing a laugh every now and then, you know? Living with that Jade woman... I guess she's kinda made me a bit mal-adjusted, drove me a bit 'funny'. I'm sorry, guys. You know what it's like." He smiled, seeking some smiles in response.
He received them accordingly. Lister stood up from his seat. He could sympathise with Jack. After all, he'd spent more than eight years being stuck in close proximity with Rimmer. And after hearing all of Jack's tales of boredom and sheer fed-uppedness, he figured Jack deserved to be forgiven.
"Right then, turn her round and head her back to the Dwarf." Kryten was obliged to follow Lister's friendly order.
Starbug spun slowly on its bulbous, lime-green backside, and began to meander comfortably back home.
Maybe some people just can't handle having to be around people who could drive you space-crazy? Look what it had done to Jack. Driven from respectable Senior Researcher to drunken bum.
Lister took a look at himself. Rimmer had drove him from being a drunken space bum...to...
...A drunken space bum. Not much change there then.
After all, Lister thought, David Lister is a special kinda guy. The tough Scouser. The enlightened 23rd Century guy. He could handle it. He knew who to hang with, who to talk to, and most importantly... who to trust.
Or did he?