Disclaimer: I told you before that I didn't own any of Tamora Pierce's books, plots, characters, settings, etc. Guess what. I still don't.


The following excerpt was taken from the UMFSTH archives:


The United Mission Front for the Salvation of Tortallan Heathens

Barry Jones, Director Mary Johns, Secretary

Jerry Johnson Carrie Joneson


Mission: To bring truth and salvation to the heathen nation of Tortall.


Transcript of Initial Interview with Jonathan of Conte and Thayet jian Wilima

Missionaries: Barry Jones and Jerry Johnson


The missionaries in question, Barry Jones (hereafter referred to as BJ) and Jerry Johnson (hereafter known as JJ) knocked at the door of one of King Jonathan III's private audience chambers. The door was opened by a footman, who presented them to another footman, who presented them to a herald, who knocked at the door of the king's interior audience chamber. The door was opened by yet another footman. The missionaries could see Jonathan of Conte (hereafter known as JC), king of the heathen realm of Tortall, and his queen, Thayet jian Wilima (hereafter referred to as TW) seated inside the room. The meeting ran as follows:


Herald (blowing a nerve-shattering blast on his trumpet): Your Majesties, may I present the heathen missionaries Barry Jones and Jerry Johnson?

BJ: Excuse me, sir, you're a little confused. We are the Christians, not the heathens. You people are the heathens.

JC (ignoring BJ's interruption): Yes, you may.

Herald (with a sweeping bow): I present the missionaries Barry Jones and Jerry Johnson.

JJ: Didn't he already say that?

TW: Really, Jon, we could do without all of this ceremony.

JC (stiffly): It's traditional.

TW: I don't care. It's idiotic.

Herald: Might I beg leave to retire, your Majesties?

JJ: Huh?

TW: Go ahead and leave.

Herald: Yes, your Majesty. (He exits the room.)

TW (gesturing at the footman): You can go, too. (He bows and follows the herald.)

JC: What did you do that for?

TW: Don't sulk, it's not becoming.

JC: I'm not sulking!

TW (ignoring her husband and turning to BJ and JJ): Now, what can we do for you?

BJ: I am Barry Jones, and this is my colleague, Jerry Johnson. We are here to bring salvation to your people, your realm and yourselves!

JJ (conspiratorily): That's what he always says. Except the last part. He just now added that. And then I don't say anything. Except this time, I'm saying something. (He looks pleased with himself.)

JC (sounding wounded): You left off the "your Majesty".

TW: Oh, get over it, Jon.

JC: But I haven't given them permission to do that yet!

TW: I don't care. Be quiet.

BJ: You should treat your husband with more respect, ma'am. It's in the scriptures.

JC: Thank you. That's exactly what I was going to say. But you're still forgetting your forms of address.

JJ: Huh?

TW: No, I shouldn't. Your ego needs squashing down every so often. You're already too much of a prig.

JC: I am not!

TW: Yes, you are and you know it.

JC (icily): I beg to differ. And while we're on the subject, who takes care of your ego?

TW (smugly): No one. I don't need anyone to. I can keep myself grounded, thank you very much.

JJ (sagely): They aren't very nice to each other, are they, Barry?

BJ: Now, if we could return to business? Sir, we have come to talk to you about your future and that of your realm.

JC: I suppose that'll do. I am a knight, too, after all.

JJ: Huh?

BJ: As I was saying, you and your realm are in desperate need of salvation.

JC: What?! We are not! Tortall is a stable, peaceful, prosperous country with a strong army. We can take care of ourselves. Now, Sarain, on the other hand-

TW (interrupting): Leave my homeland out of it!

BJ: No, no, you misunderstand me. I spoke of spiritual salvation.

JJ (helpfully): Like for your soul and all.

TW: I see.

BJ: It was our hope that Tortall's conversion to Christianity would inspire other heathen nations to do the same, as Tortall is clearly the leading nation on the continent.

JJ: Huh?

JC: Do you really think Tortall is the leading nation of the Eastern Lands?

BJ: Well, I-

JC (intently): Do you?

TW: Stop fishing for compliments, Jon.

JJ: Huh? Fishing? Did someone say something about fish? 'Cause those are really good fried.

JC (impatiently): Well?! Answer me!

BJ (hurriedly): Um, yes. Yes, definitely. Of course. Sure. Why not?

JC: Good. You have excellent taste.

(TW rolls her eyes.)

BJ: Now, the obvious first step in converting a nation is converting its ruler. Wouldn't you agree, sir?

JJ: No.

BJ (turning to JJ): You are not helping our cause. In any case, I wasn't talking to you.

JJ: But we didn't come here first. That guy over there (he points at JC) sent us to go talk to that other guy first.

JC (to TW): Did he just point at me?!

TW: Yes. How very observant you are.

JC: That's the first time anyone has dared to do that to me! I'm shocked. I'm traumatized. I-

TW (interrupting): Stop being so melodramatic. Besides, people point at you all the time when we're on progress.

JC (pouting): That's different.

JJ (to BJ): Well? Didn't we go there first? Who's right this time, Barry? Huh? Huh?

BJ: I was speaking generally, you idiot!

JJ: That was mean. I don't think people should be mean. Especially not to people who're right! (He is ignored.)

BJ: As I was saying, we are most interested in obtaining your conversions and saving your souls.

JC: I see. And what does this entail?

TW (to no one in particular): Horse Lords, now he's going formal on us.

JJ: Huh?

BJ: It's really easy. You agree to accept Our Lord as your personal savior, renounce the false gods worshipped here, and we baptize you. In return, you receive eternal life and salvation after your death.

JJ: That means you can go to heaven and be with the good people, instead of going to hell with the bad ones! Right, Barry?

JC: So you're plotting to kill me, are you? Guards! (He turns angrily to TW.) You see? This is what happens when you insist we talk unguarded. Guards!!

(Fourteen guards armed with swords and battle axes run into the room, drop to their knees, jump back to their feet, stand at attention and salute.)

JJ: I don't think those guys look nice. And I don't like the way they're waving those metal things.

BJ: They're called swords, Jerry.

JJ (indignantly): I knew that. I'm not stupid, you know.

Guard captain (bowing to JC): You called, your Majesty?

JC: Yes. Arrest these men and hold them on charges of high treason and plotted regicide.

(The guards gasp, hurriedly make the sign against evil, then approach BJ and JJ cautiously.)

BJ: No! Wait! Sir, I didn't mean, that is, I-

(The guards seize BJ's and JJ's arms.)

JJ: Ouch! Hey! Let go of me!

JC: You see, no one plots to assassinate me and gets away with it! (He turns to the guards.) Throw them in the dungeon. Oh, and add "disrespectfulness" to their crimes.

TW: Disrespectfulness? That's not a crime!

JC (smugly): It is now. I made it one last night.

TW: You fool! I should send for Alanna to come whack some sense into your head.

JC: If you don't stop being disrespectful, I'll throw you in the dungeon, too!

TW: Oh, really? I'd like to see you try!

(The guards move to march BJ and JJ from the room.)

BJ (hastily): Sir? I assure you that my companion and I bear you no ill will, and that we most certainly are not involved in a plan to kill you.

JJ: That would be stupid. Then we'd go to hell. And we don't want to do that.

JC: Then why did you threaten my death?

BJ: We didn't threaten you, sir. We only wanted to tell you that the Lord Our God offers eternal salvation to everyone after they die. Death comes for everyone eventually, you know.

JJ: Except God.

JC: Very well. But take this as a warning. Release them, guards. Then you may retire.

(The guards let go of BJ's and JJ's arms, bow, salute and march out of the room.)

BJ (fervently): Thank you, sir. Now, about your conversion. If we hurry, we can get all of the preliminaries out of the way tonight. We'll give you a brief summary of our faith and leave you a Holy Bible. Then we can have a few classes in religious doctrine and baptize you, and then we'll be all set.

JC: I don't know about this. The gods wouldn't like it.

BJ: That's impossible. Your gods do not exist. Our God is the One True God.

TW (murmuring to JC): I'd like to see him tell Alanna that.

JC (nodding in agreement to TW): Our gods do exist. And were I to renounce them, they would turn from me and withdraw my divine right! I can't risk that.

JJ: Huh?

TW (quietly, to JC): Why does he keep making that noise? Do you think there's something wrong with him?

JC (shrugging): Nothing we can do about it if there is.

BJ (oblivious to the whispered conversation going on about his colleague's mental faculties): My dear sir, your gods do not exist. However, were you to convert to our faith, you would have the protection and support of God. It is His will that everyone in Tortall be come Christian, and were you to aid that, you would have an honored place in heaven.

JC: Is that all?

BJ: Well, He might also see fit to grant you some earthly rewards. But I assure you, the salvation of your immortal soul is of the utmost importance, secondary to all other concerns.

JC: Might? Might? Is that the best you can do? And how do you expect us to worship your god, without giving us any proof?

JJ: Huh?

BJ: Proof is not necessary. It is a question of faith.

JC: So your god isn't going to manifest?

BJ: Of course not! I'm telling you, it is a question of faith! Faith requires no proof!

JC: I'm sorry. If your god wants to be added to the pantheon, he'll have to follow the procedure. You see, when there's a new god in the area, he usually manifests to as many people as possible and tells them his name and what to pray to him for help with. What is your God's name, anyway?

BJ: I can't tell you. It's one of the Ten Commandments. "Thou shalt not take the Lord's name in vain." We simply refer to him as God.

TW (who clearly doesn't see): I see.

JC: Well, he'll have to get over it if he wants anyone to worship him here. We have so many gods that no one will remember him without some sort of name.

BJ: That is blasphemy! And, we don't want you to add the Lord Our God to your pantheon.

JC: You don't?

JJ (simultaneously): We don't?

BJ: No. You in Tortall worship false gods. They don't exist. We want you to renounce the worship of these false gods and worship only the One True God.

JC: I'm sorry, but that's impossible. You walk in here and ask us to stop worshipping the gods, and start worshipping a different god who has a superiority complex-

BJ: EXCUSE ME?! THAT IS BLASPHEMY, SIR!

JC (continuing through the interruption): -without even giving us any proof. The whole situation is absurd! And besides, first I would slowly have to obtain the support of my nobles, which could take years.

JJ: But you're the king! (He pauses.) Aren't you?

TW: Oh no, don't get him started on that subject. He'll go on for hours.

JJ: So he's not the king?

JC (ignoring JJ): I will not go on for hours, as you put it, Thayet. As I was going to say, I cannot do anything without the support of my nobles if I wish to keep my throne. (He turns to BJ and JJ.) Is that clear enough, or shall I go into the technicalities?

TW: No. If you do, I'm leaving. I've already heard that speech three times this week. I refuse to sit through it again!

JC (sounding hurt): It's a good speech.

(TW rolls her eyes.)

BJ: I beg you to reconsider, sir and madam. At the moment, you are walking down the path to hell!

JJ (gasps): Barry, you said the h-word!! You're not supposed to do that!

TW (getting to her feet): Thank you for your concern, but I'm afraid we've heard enough.

JC (also standing up): It was nice talking to you, and I hope you enjoy the rest of your stay in Tortall.

JJ: Aw, shucks. That's awful nice of you. See, I told you guys everything worked better when people were nice!

JC: Footman!

TW: He has a name, you know.

(A footman enters.)

Footman: Yes, sire?

JC: Escort these men out.

TW (signaling to the footman): Wait a moment. Jon, you didn't say "please".

JC (grumpily): Oh. very well. Please.

TW (to footman): You can go now.

BJ: Please think over what we talked about, sir and ma'am. We shall return in a few days. Until then, rest assured, the saving of your ignorant, heathen souls is our utmost priority. Come along, Jerry.

(BJ, JJ and the footman leave the interior audience chamber.)

JC: Great Mithros, what an Ordeal. Think they're gone for good?

TW: You wish.