Disclaimer: Let's make this simple. Some of this is mine. Some of it isn't. In case the disclaimer gods require further elaboration, the general rule is this: If you can find it in a book written by someone else (in this case, Tamora Pierce), it's not mine. Otherwise, it is.

The following excerpt was taken from the UMFSTH archives.

The United Mission Front for the Salvation of Tortallan Heathens

Barry Jones, Director Mary Johns, Secretary

Jerry Johnson Carrie Joneson

Transcript of Initial Interview with Numair Salmalin and Veralidaine Sarrasri

Attending missionaries: Barry Jones, Carrie Joneson

Unfortunately, the missionaries in question were running a bit behind schedule, due to an obstruction in the form of 50 murderous-looking protesters waving "Damn the missionaries!" signs outside the palace's back gate. When they arrived at the appointed meeting room, a discussion was already underway. The missionaries in question remained outside for a few minutes, waiting for an opportune time to interrupt and listening to the conversation within, which ran as follows.

Young girl within room (hereafter known as DS): Tell me again why we have to do this.

Man within room (hereafter known as NS): I would like to discover precisely what sort of divine entity is worshipped by these interplanetary emissaries and, if possible, to begin to formulate a-

DS (hastily cutting him off): All right, all right, I get why you're here, But I still don't see why I have to be here, too. I'd rather muck out the stables.

NS: Aren't you the least bit curious?

DS: No. I'm leaving. (She rises to go.)

(The missionaries hastily knock at the door and enter immediately after, arresting their prospective convert's flight. DS sits down again, disappointed.)

Barry Jones (hereafter known as BJ): Hello. Extremely sorry for the delay, but we were held up by several dozen heathen protesters. Ah well, it must be the good Lord's will, after all. Let's get started, shall we?

(DS and NS exchange mystified looks as BJ and Carrie Joneson (hereafter referred to as CJ) sit down.)

BJ: Now then, my name is Barry Jones and this is my colleague and partner in Truth, Carrie Joneson. We are here to spread the Word of God to your people and save their souls from the eternal torments of Hell!

(DS stifles a yawn.)

CJ: No matter what you learned at that silly mission camp of yours, Barry, that is not a good way to start a conversation.

BJ (haughtily): It was an educational retreat. You should be more respectful in the future!

(CJ snorts.)

NS (looking uncertainly at the feuding missionaries): Allow me to introduce myself. I am Numair Salmalin, and this is my...erm...(he blushes) student, Veralidaine Sarrasri.

DS (giggling): Student, hmmmm? Well, I guess that's one way of putting it.

NS (blushing even more): Quiet, you.

BJ (ignoring this puzzling exchange): Wonderful! Now, down to business. I understand you both currently retain membership in the Evil, Heathen Cult of Mithros?

DS: You've got the name wrong.

BJ: Nonsense. I've done my research.

NS: She's right, you know. The correct terminology is simply the Cult of Mithros. The preceding adjectives are subject to the speaker's discretion, although I would strongly urge you to moderate your language.

DS: What's an adjecwhatsis?

NS: A word that describes a noun. (He sees the look DS shoots at him, sighs, and continues.) A noun is a being, a location or an object, and is usually the subject of a sentence.

DS: And what's a terminawhoozit?

NS: A method of referring to an entity.

DS: I give up. There's no understanding you in this mood.

BJ (pointedly): Perhaps someone would consider answering my question?

DS: What question?

NS: We are both followers of the Divine Protector Mithros and his pantheon. That was what you asked before, wasn't it?

CJ (enthusiastically): How fascinating! So, tell me, what other gods do you worship?

NS: We-

BJ (cutting in): Do not encourage these poor innocents in their mistaken practice of heathen pageantry!

DS: Huh? You're starting to sound like Numair.

CJ: Oh, be quiet, Barry. And stop quoting your missionary phrase book. It's getting old.

BJ (spluttering): I...I-

CJ(turning to NS): Please continue, sir.

DS: He's not a knight, you know.

NS: Let's see. The Pantheon includes, but of course is in no way limited to, Mithros, the Great Mother Goddess, the Wave Walker, the Master-of-Dream Gainel, the Graveyard Hag- though her influence is far greater in Carthak, you understand- Mynoss, Shakith-

DS (breaking in): Don't forget my parents.

BJ (leaping out of his chair and knocking it over backwards): What?!

NS (slightly annoyed): I hadn't forgotten them, Daine.

BJ: WHAT?!

NS: I just hadn't gotten there yet.

DS (getting upset): I knew you didn't approve of my family!

NS (hastily): No, no, sweetheart, it's not that at all.

(DS sniffs loudly.)

NS: Please don't get like this. I'm sorry. I really am. (Turns to BJ and CJ.) They're Weiryn of the Hunt and the Green Lady. (He glances anxiously at DS. To his great relief, she appears to be mollified.)

BJ: Excuse me! (He rights his chair and sits back down.)

NS: Now, where was I? Oh, yes. Mynoss, Shakith, the Crooked God- I don't personally know any of his followers, though. I believe Baron George used to be one, some years ago-

DS (eagerly): Really?!

NS (nervously): Well, never mind that now. As I was saying...

DS (pouting): Nobody ever tells me anything interesting.

BJ: Excuse me!

NS: Continuing on, the K'miri Horse Lords, and-

DS: Don't forget the animal gods.

NS (obediently): Yes, the animal gods. (Turning apologetically to CJ) I'm afraid you'll have to consult Daine for an accurate recitation. I, however, am able to assure you that there are two for each species. Now, who else am I forgetting? Daine?

BJ (bellowing): EXCUSE ME!!

(Everyone turns to stare at him.)

BJ: Thank you. As I have been trying to say (he looks pointedly at NS), I must have misheard you. I thought you mentioned something about your parents being gods! (He laughs heartily.)

NS: You weren't mistaken. I did say something of the sort, though I was referring to Daine's parents, not my own.

(BJ stares at NS, consternated.)

CJ (quickly, before BJ can recover himself): You mean that in a symbolic sense, don't you? All life springing from the divine?

NS: No. I meant it literally. Her parents are gods.

BJ: Blasphemy! I have never heard such blasphemy in all my life!

CJ: Oh, come off it, Barry. Does it really matter? It's not even our religion.

BJ: Of course it matters! They blaspheme against our Holy Father in Heaven!

DS (indignantly): My da's just as holy as yours!

CJ (with great interest): So, according to your faith, does this make Daine a god, too?

NS: Actually, the correct term is goddess.

DS: And I'm not one. I'm only half.

CJ (confused): But how-

BJ: Can we please return to business?

CJ: -does that work? If both your parents are gods, shouldn't you be one, too?

BJ (beaming at Carrie): Excellent tactic. I entirely approve. Catching their faith in a mistake.

DS: No, my ma was mortal when I was borned.

NS: Born. When you were born.

(DS rolls her eyes.)

CJ: But then how did she become a god?

NS: Goddess.

CJ: Oh, excuse me.

DS: When she died-

BJ: Let me offer you my condolences.

DS: - my da arranged for her to become the Green Lady.

CJ (plainly mystified): Oh, I see. And does this happen often?

NS: Actually, Sarra's case is an anomaly.

DS (heaving a sigh): And now he's going educated again.

CJ (at the same time): Sarra?

DS: My ma.

NS (at the same time): The Green Lady.

DS (exasperated): Why does everyone keep talking on top of me?!

BJ (at the same time yet again, effectively drowning DS out ): Eureka!

(Everyone turns to stare at him yet again.)

DS: See? I told you.

BJ: I have discovered the reason for this sinful and outrageous claim!

CJ (rolling her eyes): And what, pray tell, might that be?

BJ: It is a sin of ignorance and good intentions. This poor heathen child (he puts his arm around DS's shoulders) fears for her dear, departed mother's soul. Since in her ignorance, she is unaware of the existence of heaven, she has contrived this fable to put her mind at ease!

DS (squirming out from under BJ's arm): That's not true! My ma is in the realms of the gods!

BJ (attempting to be comforting): Child, child. I understand your fear, I really do. But I cannot help you unless you help yourself. Open your heart to the Holy Spirit and be at peace!

DS: I'm telling you, my ma is a goddess and she lives in the realms of the gods!

NS: She's correct, you know.

BJ (rounding on NS): And you! You encourage this? Can't you see the anguish her ignorance has brought upon her? It is your Christian duty as her mentor to help eradicate these heathen ideas, so we can see her baptized in the name of our Lord!

CJ: Um, Barry? Numair isn't Christian either. So he can't really have a Christian duty.

BJ (ignoring her, and swiveling back to face Daine): You must pray for the soul of your mother, to allow her to enter the Realm of Heaven.

DS: Why does she need that when she has the realms of the gods? Besides, she's not dead anymore.

BJ: Because, child, these "realms of the gods" do not exist! They are lies! The Realm of Heaven is real!

NS: Actually, the realms of the gods do exist. Daine and I visited them not long ago.

BJ: What?!

CJ: Really? How fascinating! What are they like?

DS: Well-

BJ: SINNERS! How dare you fabricate such lies and mock your Holy Father so? And you attempt to corrupt the faithful as well! You shall be damned lest you repent!

DS: I'm not mocking my da!

CJ (to DS): Please continue. How did you come to travel there? Is it open to everyone?

DS: No, it's not. We were in danger and my ma and da reached down and pulled me up. Numair wouldn't let go of me, so he came too.

BJ: Enough! If you two choose to take the path to Hell, I cannot stop you. But I shall not allow you to tempt the faithful from the path of righteousness. Carrie, it is time we left.

CJ: Not now, Barry. I'm sorry, Daine. Please continue. Tell me all about your visit with your parents.

BJ (grabbing CJ's arm and attempting unsuccessfully to haul her to her feet): Come! If you stay here, your soul will be in terrible danger. I understand that you want to bring these people to salvation, but there is nothing more we can do today. They are clearly determined to end in the Devil's infernal coils, and to drag us along if they can. But we must resist, for their sake as well as ours!

CJ: Let go of my arm, Barry. Why don't you go back to headquarters and start typing up the transcript? I'm staying for awhile.

NS: Typing?

DS: Ha! So there's actually a word you don't know! And it's even a little one, too.

NS: And I suppose you know what it means?

DS: No, but at least you don't either.

BJ: But-

CJ: There's nothing you can do about it. I'm staying, and that's that.

BJ (stiffly): Very well. It's your Immortal Soul, after all. If you insist on succumbing to temptation, that is your affair. But I must seriously reconsider your fitness to hold such an important post.

CJ: Fine. Are you staying or leaving?

BJ(still stiffly): I'm going. Until I return to bring salvation to you, miss. Sir.

(He stalks to the door and exits, slamming it behind him. DS yawns.)

CJ (on the edge of her seat): Now then, begin at the beginning. What exactly did happen?

-Transcript terminated by the director out of concern for the reader's Immortal Soul-