Kokoro no Hitan
I got desperate today. I just couldn't take not being able to tell anyone anymore.
Of course, Akito knew the problem, but I couldn't very well turn to him for support! He would never understand, so I turned to Hatsuharu.
He was the only person I could think to turn to. Momiji, though he isn't that young, unlike Kisa and Hiro, doesn't seem mature enough to understand. And when I had talked to Yuki about not going after Kyo, I could tell that he didn't understand either. Or maybe it just seemed like he didn't. I don't know...Everything has become blurred by my tears recently...
Anyway, Ayame is...well, Ayame, and I seriously don't think he would've taken it right, plus he's too old, like Shigure and Hatori, not to mention Hatori already has a lot of old pain on his shoulders. And Ritsu...Ritsu's still getting over the "I'm sorry! It's all my fault!" problem. He didn't need this weight on his back as well.
Which left Hatsuharu.
Even though I've never really been that close to him, he didn't seem too surprised when I collapsed, a crying mess, into his chest. He loosely embraced me until I regained my composure and could sit down next to him. He didn't mind, said I could cry, and that he would listen. I nodded, thanked him, and told him everything.
"I can't take this anymore. I feel like this pain is going to eat me away from the inside out! I...just..don't know what to do..." I hung my head down where I sat next to him, my bangs hiding my eyes, but tears still visible as they silently slid down my cheeks and onto my hands. Hands that were clenching tightly the fabric of my skirt. "I'm...lost...so lost." My knuckles turned white.
-Kagura Sohma
~~~
I had stopped by Shigure's house a few days earlier to say "hi" to Yuki and everyone and I by chance had walked in on a somewhat distubing conversation.
"Maybe I should celebrate that that boar is finally gone," Kyo had said, laughing and smiling.
All Tohru could do was smile. "Ano...Hai," and she nodded her head. I could see from her expression, though, that she was worried.
"Ohayou," I had said as I joined them on the back porch.
"Ah, ohayou, Haru-kun, what brings you here?" Shigure asked me.
"Nothing really. I just wanted to say 'hi' to Yuki." I looked at him and he gave me the normal analyzing stare. "Ohayou," I said to him, face expressionless of any motive.
"Ohayou," Yuki had said back.
"Nee, Haru-san, why don't you join us for lunch?" Tohru asked me with a smile.
I responded with, "Sure, I'd love to."
It was then that the whole story slowly trickled out. Kyo was elated to finally notice that Kagura hadn't come to see him in three weeks, when three days was seriously pushing it. Kyo, being as oblivious to other people's emotions as he was, had no idea what the cause to this might be. Tohru's expression told me that she was a bit conserned, although she kept trying to hide it.
And this was all the background I needed as an explanation to why Kagura had come to me for help. I should've known she would've been stubborn enough to try to deal with it all on her own and not seek anybody else for help. Then again, she didn't really have that many sources to turn to. And now that I think about it, she probably always kept all of her emotions locked up inside. That would explain her rapid mood swings and the way poor Kyo looked when she was done with him. She was always sorry, though. You could tell from the look on her face. But Kyo never noticed. He was as blind as a worm to her emotions.
"Nee, Kagura. You can tell me anything, I'm listening."
-Hatsuharu Sohma
~~~
I felt like I had sat there for hours without saying a word and still the tears wouldn't stop. I kept asking myself if I really wanted to tell him anymore, if this had been a good idea to begin with.
"K-Kyo...He..He has no idea..." I felt another tear drop onto my hand. My fingers were starting to go numb. "He's so...clueless...How could he not realize how I'd react to all this? Why doesn't he notice me the way he notices Tohru....He noticed me once...A long time ago...but now it's as if I'm not a part of his world anymore, or maybe a part he wishes was never there...He-" A lump caught in my throat as I thought, He doesn't remeber how I supported him. How I loved him, accepted him for who he was, who he is. "He's forgotten everything. He doesn't even see me anymore."
-Kagura Sohma
~~~
I didn't know what to tell her. She seemed so lost and alone, and I knew that no matter what I told her, whatever words of condolence I said, would mean nothing coming out of my mouth. She wanted to hear from Kyo. She wanted him to say he was sorry for what he had done, that he liked her, at least as a friend. She wanted him to smile at her, to acknowledge what a nice, caring person she was again. She wanted him to realize just what her love for him meant. Maybe she didn't even realize this, but I could tell that's what she wanted.
"Tell him."
-Hatsuharu Sohma
~~~
I looked up so fast me head hurt. Now he could definately clearly see the tears in my eyes, pouring down my swollen face.
"NANI?? You want me to TELL him? HOW??...How?" A lump of tears nestled itself in my throat. I lowered my head back down.
"You used to be able to tell him how you felt before, why not now?" Haru said.
"I...I don't know if I can." Fresh tears poured from my eyes.
"Try." He put his arm around me. "That's the only thing you can do now. I can't tell you the things you want to hear, the things you want, need him to say. You need to talk to Kyo."
I had looked up at him and smiled. He was too right.
"But..I don't know if I can do this...on my own." And that was the truth.
"I'll help as much as I can."
"Arigatou," I said, as I put my arms around his neck and hugged him.
"No problem." He hugged me back.
So soon I will be going to talk to Kyo, and ask him those questions I so desperately need to hear him answer.
-Kagura Sohma
~~~
A/N: Did anyone else realize these are almost like journal enteries? That's just how they came out, really. I was only going to do it from Kagura's perspective, but then I realized just how hard that would be, so I added in Hatsuharu. I might need to add in more people as well. But we'll see. Once again, I still don't know where this fic is going.
I got desperate today. I just couldn't take not being able to tell anyone anymore.
Of course, Akito knew the problem, but I couldn't very well turn to him for support! He would never understand, so I turned to Hatsuharu.
He was the only person I could think to turn to. Momiji, though he isn't that young, unlike Kisa and Hiro, doesn't seem mature enough to understand. And when I had talked to Yuki about not going after Kyo, I could tell that he didn't understand either. Or maybe it just seemed like he didn't. I don't know...Everything has become blurred by my tears recently...
Anyway, Ayame is...well, Ayame, and I seriously don't think he would've taken it right, plus he's too old, like Shigure and Hatori, not to mention Hatori already has a lot of old pain on his shoulders. And Ritsu...Ritsu's still getting over the "I'm sorry! It's all my fault!" problem. He didn't need this weight on his back as well.
Which left Hatsuharu.
Even though I've never really been that close to him, he didn't seem too surprised when I collapsed, a crying mess, into his chest. He loosely embraced me until I regained my composure and could sit down next to him. He didn't mind, said I could cry, and that he would listen. I nodded, thanked him, and told him everything.
"I can't take this anymore. I feel like this pain is going to eat me away from the inside out! I...just..don't know what to do..." I hung my head down where I sat next to him, my bangs hiding my eyes, but tears still visible as they silently slid down my cheeks and onto my hands. Hands that were clenching tightly the fabric of my skirt. "I'm...lost...so lost." My knuckles turned white.
-Kagura Sohma
~~~
I had stopped by Shigure's house a few days earlier to say "hi" to Yuki and everyone and I by chance had walked in on a somewhat distubing conversation.
"Maybe I should celebrate that that boar is finally gone," Kyo had said, laughing and smiling.
All Tohru could do was smile. "Ano...Hai," and she nodded her head. I could see from her expression, though, that she was worried.
"Ohayou," I had said as I joined them on the back porch.
"Ah, ohayou, Haru-kun, what brings you here?" Shigure asked me.
"Nothing really. I just wanted to say 'hi' to Yuki." I looked at him and he gave me the normal analyzing stare. "Ohayou," I said to him, face expressionless of any motive.
"Ohayou," Yuki had said back.
"Nee, Haru-san, why don't you join us for lunch?" Tohru asked me with a smile.
I responded with, "Sure, I'd love to."
It was then that the whole story slowly trickled out. Kyo was elated to finally notice that Kagura hadn't come to see him in three weeks, when three days was seriously pushing it. Kyo, being as oblivious to other people's emotions as he was, had no idea what the cause to this might be. Tohru's expression told me that she was a bit conserned, although she kept trying to hide it.
And this was all the background I needed as an explanation to why Kagura had come to me for help. I should've known she would've been stubborn enough to try to deal with it all on her own and not seek anybody else for help. Then again, she didn't really have that many sources to turn to. And now that I think about it, she probably always kept all of her emotions locked up inside. That would explain her rapid mood swings and the way poor Kyo looked when she was done with him. She was always sorry, though. You could tell from the look on her face. But Kyo never noticed. He was as blind as a worm to her emotions.
"Nee, Kagura. You can tell me anything, I'm listening."
-Hatsuharu Sohma
~~~
I felt like I had sat there for hours without saying a word and still the tears wouldn't stop. I kept asking myself if I really wanted to tell him anymore, if this had been a good idea to begin with.
"K-Kyo...He..He has no idea..." I felt another tear drop onto my hand. My fingers were starting to go numb. "He's so...clueless...How could he not realize how I'd react to all this? Why doesn't he notice me the way he notices Tohru....He noticed me once...A long time ago...but now it's as if I'm not a part of his world anymore, or maybe a part he wishes was never there...He-" A lump caught in my throat as I thought, He doesn't remeber how I supported him. How I loved him, accepted him for who he was, who he is. "He's forgotten everything. He doesn't even see me anymore."
-Kagura Sohma
~~~
I didn't know what to tell her. She seemed so lost and alone, and I knew that no matter what I told her, whatever words of condolence I said, would mean nothing coming out of my mouth. She wanted to hear from Kyo. She wanted him to say he was sorry for what he had done, that he liked her, at least as a friend. She wanted him to smile at her, to acknowledge what a nice, caring person she was again. She wanted him to realize just what her love for him meant. Maybe she didn't even realize this, but I could tell that's what she wanted.
"Tell him."
-Hatsuharu Sohma
~~~
I looked up so fast me head hurt. Now he could definately clearly see the tears in my eyes, pouring down my swollen face.
"NANI?? You want me to TELL him? HOW??...How?" A lump of tears nestled itself in my throat. I lowered my head back down.
"You used to be able to tell him how you felt before, why not now?" Haru said.
"I...I don't know if I can." Fresh tears poured from my eyes.
"Try." He put his arm around me. "That's the only thing you can do now. I can't tell you the things you want to hear, the things you want, need him to say. You need to talk to Kyo."
I had looked up at him and smiled. He was too right.
"But..I don't know if I can do this...on my own." And that was the truth.
"I'll help as much as I can."
"Arigatou," I said, as I put my arms around his neck and hugged him.
"No problem." He hugged me back.
So soon I will be going to talk to Kyo, and ask him those questions I so desperately need to hear him answer.
-Kagura Sohma
~~~
A/N: Did anyone else realize these are almost like journal enteries? That's just how they came out, really. I was only going to do it from Kagura's perspective, but then I realized just how hard that would be, so I added in Hatsuharu. I might need to add in more people as well. But we'll see. Once again, I still don't know where this fic is going.