The room was vast. A tranquil method of escape, with creamy ceramic fountains and simple, but utterly entrancing, waterworks.
It was the serene center of the Temple.
And it had been Qui-Gon Jinn's favorite place within the massive building.
No…It is his favorite…is… …because he's here…he's here and he can't hide anymore…playing is over because I've found him…yes…found him…
Obi-Wan grasped his forehead for a brief, painful moment, his steps stalled. "Oh…oh." Through eyes narrowed by a wince, he took in the wealth of glittering springs, surrounded by trails of verdant, heart-shaped leaves and the occasional white lily cluster.
The aged stone beneath his feet had suffered countless cracks throughout the years, splitting what was once smooth alabaster veined with shades of gold. The pressure of too many steps taken left the lovely, light-flecked surface battered, irreparably damaged --but still, miraculously, beautiful.
The clean beams of sun streaking from high, spotless windows spilled on his bare neck. Obi-Wan rubbed the heated skin absently as he walked the room's stone-lined path, panting. The relentless pounding in his head made each movement seem an enormous exertion. He wanted to scream out to his sneaky, elusive Master…
But then he'd know I was here…Then he'd just run again…Can't let that happen I'm so tired I just want to find him…I just want to…
Obi-Wan rubbed his eye with the heel of a hand, the puffed, pink skin around his eyes and the messy haircut making him seem to be nothing more than a sleepy child who wandered from his bed in search of a parent.
His knees began to burn. Obi-Wan massaged the tightly coiled muscles of his neck , staring out into the frighteningly empty expanse.
He…He HAS to be here…
Confusion swimming in his moist gaze, he lowered himself to the crumbling rim of a fountain, the stony grit scraping against his fingers.
He sat there, his focus unblinking, scared that if he were to allow the split second lapse, his Master would rush by him.
Because he's fast…he's the fastest person I've ever known…He can run really…really…fast.
The inner voice was riddled with adrenaline, a weary monotone afflicting the final words.
He shook himself. The lethargy was growing too heavy and lulling in his head, collecting like a thick warmth, touching the pain but unable to banish it.
Obi-Wan straightened, biting on the pale, parched skin of his bottom lip. The fresh aroma misted in the atmosphere had always reminded him of sea spray, smelling of purity and tender coolness.
He--He told it to his Master once, when they were admiring the ancient landscape…
"I love it here." The youth finished with an awed reverence, tilting his head back and closing his eyes. The water's trickling streamed into his soul, cleansing wounds and quenching a primitive thirst--for peace.
Qui-Gon smiled, the glistening waves reflecting in his kind eyes. "I do too."
Obi-Wan inhaled and had the feeling of any stress draining from his body like sand through a sieve. "When I'm not looking, I almost thin k we're on Mhall."
The elder Jedi nodded with an uncharacteristic languidness. "That was--a dream mission." He agreed fondly.
"Wouldn't it be wonderful to be able to just…live in a paradise like that?" His voice was sweet, wistful.
Qui-Gon studied the array of breathtaking statues, then turned to his apprentice-
And found that all the splendor of this room, this place that had been his sanctuary for more than four decades, could never rival the innocent beauty of Obi-Wan's face. "Nobody can live in true paradise…not in this stage of existence."
Obi-Wan looked at the man, the reverie fleeing his mind as reality smacked him into a wall-- a wall not made by gentle, breaking waves, but harsh, gleaming steel. The steel of transport doors and Temple halls, of saber hilts and scuffed flooring. He supposed, as a Jedi student, he couldn't indulge in such juvenile fantasy.
Then callused fingertips cupped his chin, cradling the line of his jaw.
Obi-Wan lifted his eyes.
"You know I can't lie to you, Padawan. As a Master, I've taken an oath prohibiting me from doing so."
The boy nodded.
Qui-Gon paused, taking a breath. "And even if I weren't bound by the Code, I would still tell you this truth.
"Any life isn't easy. Whether it be a sovereign or a beggar, days can drag like shackling chains. Sometimes you feel fine, happy. Sometimes you want to burrow under your pillow and hope to never wake again."
Obi-Wan didn't suppress the fact that he was startled. He swallowed, sitting straighter.
Qui-Gon squeezed his shoulder when he sensed the shaky surprise. "Life craves a certain balance--just as the Force does. Everyone wishes for their own personal paradise, and that's perfectly natural.
"Unless that wish blocks them from the rest of their world. I've discovered that wishing for what's unattainable can only lead to heartache."
Obi-Wan fixed shining, perplexed eyes on his mentor. "Should I not dream, Master?"
Qui-Gon shook his head, smiling sadly. "Of course you should dream, Obi-Wan. But never, in the midst of your dreams, lose sight of what you have.
"I know that I have something that takes me as near to paradise as I can ever be."
Obi-Wan just waited for the answer, posture relaxed by the soothing surroundings.
"You."
The apprentice had not been expecting that. It was a spoken declaration that the familial affection had never been one-sided. But instead of erupting in joy, he simply sat, dumb with amazement.
"I used to hope for paradise, Obi-Wan. Now I know that it's out of my reach. Out of everyone's reach. I can only live my life. And cherish the treasures I have in that life."
Obi-Wan couldn't form a coherent reply, staring up at his teacher for a stretch of time, then had to look away, tears dripping from his cheek to mingle with the fountain's water…
Creating tiny ripples that spread across the surface like an echo.
Obi-Wan wiped quickly at his face. He hadn't realized he was even crying.
He gazed back at the fountains, the shrouding ivy, tears leaving them trembling in his vision. "M-Master, please." The Knight begged, all amusement and frustration at this game vanished. He inhaled, his mouth shaking badly. "I kn-know you're here. Where else would you be? I've searched everywhere. I--" Obi-Wan swallowed a sour thickness in his throat. "I know they've all been lying to me. Since the beginning. Ever s-since they let you b-b-burn in that place.
"That place you didn't even kn-know. That place that wasn't home. That place killed you--and that's where they let you b-burn." He whispered fiercely, disjointed memories of Naboo piercing his heart.
Flames crackling, crackling in his ears…So bright, blinding bright…
But all they left was dark. A pile of gray ash.
And the voice in his head, denying it all desperately. The voice drowned out by a much smaller one, already demanding his full attention, already reminding him his thoughts could never be his own again, because he had Anakin to think about, he had Anakin to care for, even when his world was crashing down around him…
Obi-Wan gasped at another fresh pang in his head that drew him from his cloudy recollection. He stood, unsteadily. "I know now, Master. It didn't make any sense. It couldn't have been real.
"You were with me every day for so long. You beat everything that tried to hurt you. And me. So how could you die from something so stupid? We were BETTER than that, Master!" He ripped a delicate tier of foliage, throwing it hard to the ground. His shouts echoed harshly. "I understand now! You see? It doesn't make ANY SENSE!"
He could barely see now, from a confusing combination of ache and tears, the scenery blending together in a slipshod watercolor. But the pain of his last, bitter days as a Padawan Learner were quite enough to fuel his helpless, devastated rage.
"How can someone go from a strong man to a puddle of black? How?!" He asked of the man he perceived to be ducked behind a fountain, huddled under a bush. "It can't be real! WHY did I let myself think it was REAL?!"
He panted, his breath catching in sharp inhales as he paced the ground. "How could they have LIED to me?" He wondered. "They just let me feel all that…for so many years. Everyone's known. Even Anakin knew and he kept it a secret!" Obi-Wan hissed, the perceived betrayal filling his body with vehemence. "I should've known it was all a trick. Trick trick trick…" One eye blinked rapidly. "Wanted to take you away from me…Why would they---"
And he knew then why such snide, slick, cruel actions were taken against him.
"I was never good enough, was I? You kept waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting…waiting…" He slipped slowly to the stone. His eyes, awash with gray, were wide with disenchantment. "For me to be better. I n-never was. Tripping over myself. Oafy-Wan. Oafy-Wan. Saying the wrong thing or doing it the wrong way. I never thought I was good enough and look! I was right!" He wailed, lowering his head to his arms, crossed and resting on his knees. For a moment, he could only weep, the tenacious shadow of inadequacy finally falling, in permanency, upon him.
When a warm hand touched his chilled, naked skin, he jumped with a shuddering little sound.
Anakin's face was a study in controlled calm. He didn't move, his hand held mid-air, in the space where his Master's arm had just occupied. "Master, it's alright." He said softly, simply.
Obi-Wan was already shaking his head, the angry bruises on his face, neck and slim torso catching the glare of lights, shining scarlet, blue, purple.
Anakin dropped his hand. "Yes. I'm not going to hurt you."
The marks on his body spoke loudly of the contrary, and Obi-Wan backed away, crying earnestly, without shame.
"I was wrong before. I shouldn't've …reacted like that. I'll never do that again, Master. I promise you."
Obi-Wan's teeth clamped down on a swelled, beaten violet lip. He shook his head again, furiously. "N-No. Don't try to l-lie to me anymore. I know about everything." He rasped, in an accusing, conspiratorial whisper. "I know what all of you did!"
Anakin allowed the candid bewilderment he felt reach to his expression. "Master, I don't know what you're talking about."
"Like hell you don't!" The Jedi thundered, the child-like qualities he had displayed shed in an instant, replaced by a singular wrath.
The apprentice refused to be intimidated by the splinters of ice riming his Master's eyes. He chose instead to remember the warmth that always glowed within Obi-Wan's spirit, a natural goodness that would reflect in his cerulean gaze.
THAT was what he was here to reclaim. THAT was what he lost sight of, when he gave over control to his anger, and pounded the last, clinging remnants of his Master's aura with wild fists.
"Master, will you at least tell me what is you think I've done? That all of us have done?" He rationalized.
Obi-Wan peered with unmasked suspicion at the dark blue eyes, muscles taut, prepared to launch into an attack, if he deemed it necessary. He pretends he doesn't know how couldn't he know? Lies more lies tricks yes tricks tricks and lies tricks and lies. He grabbed at his head, the scraping, hushed voices crowding his thoughts.
Anakin swallowed, the first real tendrils of fear wrapping around his heart. Force…
Obi-Wan grit his teeth, trying to lift his own inner voice above the foreign chorus, to hear himself.
And when he had pushed them aside, he discovered his own mental musings were no different:
Lies lies lies tricks lies
Master…where's…Master?
He breathed out, looking up at Anakin, tears spreading a renewed sheen over his eyes. "Master."
Anakin stared at him. "Master? What d' you--"
Obi-Wan wiped his forearm across his mouth, a stray string of blood spreading onto the pale flesh. He came to stand, a figure consumed by anger and pain and insurmountable grief, clad in faded sleep pants, covered in tender wounds. He started toward Anakin, slow and off-balance, although his eyes remained steadfastly focused. "You…all…took him. You helped take him!"
The boy rose from his crouched position, but didn't back away from the approaching Master. "Please. Just tell me who this is. I can explain. I can even help, if you'll just tell me who you're talking about."
Then Obi-Wan stopped. Anakin's face was becoming a hazy blur, but the features were clear. Eyes, nose, mouth. The distinct countenance he had known so long.
A face that would contort with irritation during a disagreement. That would shoot down his theories, even ignore them.
But he had never really cared about that, had he?
No. All that truly mattered to Obi-Wan was fulfilling the promise he made to Qui-Gon.
A fool's pledge.
A counterfeit oath, spoken at the murky peak of his pain.
Pain he should never have felt.
Because it was all lies. Every last miserable second of this new life he had assumed was a stinking fabrication.
And he should have realized, should have thought, deep and hard, about this absurd situation before blindly accepting his place in it.
If he would have considered the circumstances, he would surely have figured it out.
Anakin's visage was unmoved, and Obi-Wan studied it once more.
Yes…It all HAD TO HAVE been a lie! Anakin is…I'm not right to look after him…'m not good enough…No…Yes, it doesn't make sense…no sense AT ALL.
The Padawan, who at the moment looked only marginally younger than his mentor, spoke. "Master, please. You've--You've blocked me off. I can't feel what you're feeling. I can't understand what you're feeling unless you tell me."
Obi-Wan took a step backward, his eyes narrowing from the sting of spiking moisture. No. Can't tell him. Then he'll know and he'll tell and he'll take him away just like he did before just like they did before. "I'm not your 'Master'." He shook his head, voice small and warbling. "You think I'm an idiot. You thought I wouldn't ever find out.
"Didn't you?"
Anakin swallowed an upset sigh. "How can you say that? You're my Master. I've known no other, Obi-Wan, and I wouldn't want to." He risked taking a pace closer. "And I've never plotted against you. I've never thought you were an idiot."
Obi-Wan actually smiled then, a lopsided grin that so emulated his usual roguish demeanor that Anakin had to fight a tightness in his chest. "Don't you think you've fed me enough lies?"
"I've never---"
"Don't try to deny it!" He yelled, his accent thick through the words. "Everyone's been lying to me since Naboo! You took him away from me! You took him away and left me with something too heavy to carry!"
And Anakin was well aware of who that cumbersome burden was, as well as who the target of this endless, crazed search was. "Obi-Wan, Master Qui-Gon was killed. He's gone." He informed him compassionately. "You were there. Isn't that proof enough?"
"NO!" Obi-Wan shouted, the intensity sending a tremble through his nearly bare body. " I DON'T BELIEVE IT ANYMORE!"
Anakin took Obi-Wan's forearm in his hand, running his thumb along the smooth, hairless skin of the underside. He looked him directly in the eye. "Master, we watched him burn. You took his remains and---"
"NO!" The Knight wrenched himself out of the gentle hold. "I don't believe it! I don't believe you!" And at once, all his convictions to uphold secrecy fell dead away. "It CAN'T be real! He's not gone! I can see him! I can see him and I know he's only hiding from me!"
"No, Master. He's not hiding. He's not here."
Obi-Wan turned away from the openly concerned face.
No no I don't believe him he's lying again that's what they all do they all lie
His lips quivered, as more sobs wracked his cold frame.
He's not mine. He can't be I can't…everyone knows I can't. I know I can't. He should go away and find someone NEW. Leave me alone so I can find Master and things can go back to the way they were.
He can't be mine…I'm not good enough for that…I…
And then Obi-Wan lunged forward, into the mass of shrubs and fountains, tearing at them, searching madly for the man who could take all the agony away.