Authors Note- Sorry, I meant for this one to be quicker, but things happened this week, preventing that from happening. Anways heres the chapter. I didn't get around to responding to reviews, I'll try next time. But, I read them, and loved them. Thank you all.
Rating- PG 13, minor language.
Disclaimer- I'm just here writing from my yacht in the Caribbean, that I bought with the money I banked from writing ER. Yeah Right, I wish. As usual, not mine.
Summary- Previously on Picking Up the Pieces... Susan had a miscarrige, got pissed at Abby for an unkown reason (or was it???) and left. Donnie did a presentation, which was boring enough to put Abby to sleep. Tayte got sick so Abby picked him up. Oh, Abby took in Susan and Chucks kids for the night...
Chapter 2
"Hey Tayte." He looks up at me from his spot on the couch. A blanket thrown over his legs, a pillow at his head. The thermometer rests on the table beside the couch.
"Hi, Mommy." He says tiredly, I walk over to him, careful to avoid the can of his stomach contents that rests below his head. A foul smell filling the air. I tie a knot in the plastic bag, and leave it in the bucket for a moment, while I talk to my son. I signal for him to move his head up, he does so. I sit down, he rests his head against my legs, I play with his hair. Sweat falling from his forehead.
"You not feeling so good?" I say sympathetically. He shakes his head no. "Daddy, is going to take you home okay?" He nods. I stand up, throwing the plastic bag into the garbage and slamming the lid shut. Tayte sits up, I put his jacket around him, zipping him up. He pulls me into a hug as I hoist him up, and take him out of the lounge.
"I told you I was sick." He rubs it in.
"I know, I'm sorry." He nuzzles his head into my neck. "Parents can make mistakes too, sometimes."
"Oh." Is all he can say. I look down at him, a small smile on his pale face. I hate seeing my son sick. I can't help it, every time I look at him I feel a pang of guilt. What could have happened, how lucky I am to have him. I squeeze him tighter, his yelp prompts me to loosen my grip. I push through the lounge doors, Donnie turns to face us, giving me a look at the man he was conversing with. Our eyes meet, locking, I try to break the contact, but it is impossible. My arms protectively tighten around Tayte. Donnie disregards the man, and the awkwardness of the moment, although the tension is palpable, he seems to miss it. Men.
"Hey." He leans forward pecking me quickly, before taking Tayte from me. I can feel his eyes burn into the back of my neck. Donnie, adjusts Tayte in his arms, Taytes head now lays on Donnie's shoulder. I avoid him at all cost, figuring we can talk later, right now I need to make sure my son gets home safe. I can feel about a hundred eyes on us. Every member of the ER seems to be huddled around the admin desk waiting to see what will erupt.
"Bye, Mommy. I love you." Tatye leans in hugging me tightly, I kiss him quickly on the forehead before watching Donnie take him home. I am hesitant to turn around, know what, or rather, who, awaits me. I close my eyes tightly, hoping to disappear, or at least the crowd disappear. Gossip, the most popular past time at County General, and unfortunately, I seem to be the topic today.
"Okay, people. Let's go, back to work!" The crutch bangs around the desk, the flock of people rush off to other areas of the hospital, still whispering about his arrival, and my surprise. I turn around, he's still there, staring. Watching. Shit. I start to walk towards him, a look of shock written across his features. His brow furrowed, I can still read his features after all these years. Anger is evident. There is a mixture of others too. I can't tell, exactly what they are. The years have aged him, but his handsome features are still evident. My heart still skips a beat when I see him, but I remember every hateful word he ever uttered, which seems to cause a pang in my stomach. I manage to walk my way over there, despite the constant shaking of my knees and my unsteady breaths. We are face to face, I watch the past flash before us, a movie, a black and white one, no sound. His hand trails through his hair, his eyes on mine. We don't have to speak, I know what he is thinking. He stares at me a second longer, before breaking the tense air.
"Hi." Its simple, unlike us. But what else is there to say? So many painful words etched into the depths of our relationship. There is no going back now. No taking back everything we ever did to one another. My new life obvious to him, his not so much to me. I don't know anything about him anymore, everything could have changed, he could have changed. Everything, but his soul. He will always be John Carter. I know the real John Carter, the one who said the most wonderful things, then turned around and broke my heart. My trust level is not soaring for this man, let me tell you.
"Hey." He watches my every movement, the way my hands fiddled uncomfortably with my scrub top. I watch as he wrings his hands, folding them, only to unfold them. We each bare the same nervous feelings.
"How have you been?" He asks bitterly. Now I see it. Its clear as day, everything.
"Good." I answer nonchalantly. He nods, his face angry, hurt, bitter.
"Good." He sighs, a small smirk playing along his lips, he doesn't want to stay, he's looking for a way out. "I've got to go- This foundation thing." I nod, he turns and walks away, shaking his head.
"John-" He stops dead in his tracks unable to believe what I just did. Hell, so am I. But I am different, I am trying to confront my fears and situations I'd rather skirt. He slowly turns his body, we face each other, one last time.
"You what to go for coffee?" I ask. He looks at me, nodding.
"Yeah, sure. When?" I mull this over, not today. I need time to plan exactly what I am going to say. I need him to know the answers to every single question he is going to bombard me with. Its not going to be simple. It will most likely be the hardest thing either of us will have to do. We will be confronting our pasts. Something we both thought we left behind.
"Tomorrow."
"Not tonight?"
"I have to get home to Tayte."
"Okay, I am only in Chicago till tomorrow night-"
"Midday." He nods accepting my offer. I walk over to admin desk resting my head in my hands. I can't believe I am actually going to go through with this. After not thinking about it for six years, trying to avoid the subject completely I am actually going to face it head on. I went over this conversation in my mind, when things changed. I must of gone over a hundred different ways this could go. None went well. I know he won't want just an explanation either. He will want to find his way into my heart, dig down deep, psychoanalyse me if you will. But a lot about me has changed, not who I truly am, but things that were issues in my life back then have faded away. I thank Donnie for that. His faith in me set me on the right track. The blaring ring of the phone brings me out of my thoughts. I answer it, although its the clerks job, getting out of my own head would be nice right now.
"Hello."
"Hey."
"Susan." I say startle, excited to hear her voice. I cradle the phone between my left ear and shoulder. She sounds tired, and as though she's been crying, I can't blame her for either. I sigh, so relieved to hear my best friends voice. I can't stand it when she's mad at me. Although I know its because she's upset at the moment. Although I would rather her cry on my shoulder. I want to comfort her.
"I'm sorry- about-"
"Don't worry about it." I cut her off. She can behave how ever she needs too. I'll be the one she runs too or the one she kicks. Either or, I just want to be there for her in any way possible. "You can talk to me. I will be there in a second, any time you need me." I can hear a light sob into the phone, it breaks my heart. Why do some people wind up accidentally have kids, and not wanting them. Others end up loosing them. Loosing someone they would have loved so dearly. I know Susan, she would have loved this child just as much as she loves Kory and Baxter.
"Thanks." I smile a little.
"Want me to come over after my shift?"
"No, you taking Baxter and Kory is great. Thanks. Chuck will pick them up tomorrow."
"Any time." She sniffles a bit. I can hear her murmur a bye, then hang up the phone, I leave it resting on my shoulder. I wish I could do something for her, like bring that baby back. Take all her pain away. A few days ago she was the regular light hearted, sarcastic Susan. Today, her world is falling down around her. I know how she feels, well maybe not to the same extent. Still.
~*~
The keys jangle as they hit the table...That table...That sound...I freeze in my spot, recalling that night, the one night I had been trying for so long to block out of my mind. I had walls built up, one by one, each block carefully constructed, pushing away the pain. Blocking it off, pleading with myself to forget. Then in came Donnie, slowly each block was taken down, bit by bit every story, every burden, every lost memory, every abandoned dream, was flooding through, overwhelming me. Drowning me in a sea of pain, I fought to build again, construct the perfect barrier, but he wouldn't let me. Before I knew it I was back in med school and holding my beautiful baby. The walls have been shattered, at one point I thought I would never expose myself. Then in waltz Carter, his clumsy way won me over. His cheeky, lopsided, crooked grin caused me to wear one of my own. I thought he was the one. He wasn't. The walls were taken down, just for him. Because he wanted it, but not for long, he wouldn't stand by me, not like I had needed him too. Soon he was gone. Now here I stand reminiscing realising that whatever I had done to better myself, when I was with Carter, was for Carter. Whatever I had done when- while, I'm with Donnie, has been for me. He has just given me the courage and held my hand while it happens. He's my saviour. No matter what I can't forget it.
"Hey-" I look up, jolted out of my thoughts by a pyjama clad Donnie. His hair dishevelled from sleep. A smile upon his lips, bring one to mine.
"Hey." I mimic, he walks closer to me, engulfing me in a hug. Tearing my worries away and replacing them with hope. I rest my head upon his chest, taking in his scent, memorizing everything about him. Just in case one day, one day he comes to his senses and leaves me, he will be engraved in my memory. I hope he never comes to his senses.
"You look like you've had a rough day." He smoothes my hair down, his smile never leaving his face. I nod my head against his chest, taking a moment to look up at him.
"Want to tell me about it?" I shake my head, sighing a little. I know that eventually I will have to tell him, eventually it will all be out on the table. I just hope he can be strong for me when it is. I hope he can stand by me, help me face my demons, our demons.
"I love you." I murmur, he chuckles lightly into my hair, planting kisses along my hairline. Soon he is taking me into the bedroom, our fingers intertwined, laced together, joined in unity as one. His fingers dance along mine, sitting me down on the bed. Slowly my shoes and socks are being throw to the floor. My clothes are the next to go, being replaced by a warm sweater and sweat pants. We crawl into bed together, his arms finding my waist, my head his chest. Together we are perfect. Well, close enough.
"I'm sorry." I mumble, into the darkness. He knows what I am talking about.
"Its okay, you were listening in someway." I laugh. The silence engulfs us once more, my eyes flutter close, only to open slightly, staring at the lone light that waivers on our curtain.
"The guy you were speaking to is him. John Carter."
Rating- PG 13, minor language.
Disclaimer- I'm just here writing from my yacht in the Caribbean, that I bought with the money I banked from writing ER. Yeah Right, I wish. As usual, not mine.
Summary- Previously on Picking Up the Pieces... Susan had a miscarrige, got pissed at Abby for an unkown reason (or was it???) and left. Donnie did a presentation, which was boring enough to put Abby to sleep. Tayte got sick so Abby picked him up. Oh, Abby took in Susan and Chucks kids for the night...
Chapter 2
"Hey Tayte." He looks up at me from his spot on the couch. A blanket thrown over his legs, a pillow at his head. The thermometer rests on the table beside the couch.
"Hi, Mommy." He says tiredly, I walk over to him, careful to avoid the can of his stomach contents that rests below his head. A foul smell filling the air. I tie a knot in the plastic bag, and leave it in the bucket for a moment, while I talk to my son. I signal for him to move his head up, he does so. I sit down, he rests his head against my legs, I play with his hair. Sweat falling from his forehead.
"You not feeling so good?" I say sympathetically. He shakes his head no. "Daddy, is going to take you home okay?" He nods. I stand up, throwing the plastic bag into the garbage and slamming the lid shut. Tayte sits up, I put his jacket around him, zipping him up. He pulls me into a hug as I hoist him up, and take him out of the lounge.
"I told you I was sick." He rubs it in.
"I know, I'm sorry." He nuzzles his head into my neck. "Parents can make mistakes too, sometimes."
"Oh." Is all he can say. I look down at him, a small smile on his pale face. I hate seeing my son sick. I can't help it, every time I look at him I feel a pang of guilt. What could have happened, how lucky I am to have him. I squeeze him tighter, his yelp prompts me to loosen my grip. I push through the lounge doors, Donnie turns to face us, giving me a look at the man he was conversing with. Our eyes meet, locking, I try to break the contact, but it is impossible. My arms protectively tighten around Tayte. Donnie disregards the man, and the awkwardness of the moment, although the tension is palpable, he seems to miss it. Men.
"Hey." He leans forward pecking me quickly, before taking Tayte from me. I can feel his eyes burn into the back of my neck. Donnie, adjusts Tayte in his arms, Taytes head now lays on Donnie's shoulder. I avoid him at all cost, figuring we can talk later, right now I need to make sure my son gets home safe. I can feel about a hundred eyes on us. Every member of the ER seems to be huddled around the admin desk waiting to see what will erupt.
"Bye, Mommy. I love you." Tatye leans in hugging me tightly, I kiss him quickly on the forehead before watching Donnie take him home. I am hesitant to turn around, know what, or rather, who, awaits me. I close my eyes tightly, hoping to disappear, or at least the crowd disappear. Gossip, the most popular past time at County General, and unfortunately, I seem to be the topic today.
"Okay, people. Let's go, back to work!" The crutch bangs around the desk, the flock of people rush off to other areas of the hospital, still whispering about his arrival, and my surprise. I turn around, he's still there, staring. Watching. Shit. I start to walk towards him, a look of shock written across his features. His brow furrowed, I can still read his features after all these years. Anger is evident. There is a mixture of others too. I can't tell, exactly what they are. The years have aged him, but his handsome features are still evident. My heart still skips a beat when I see him, but I remember every hateful word he ever uttered, which seems to cause a pang in my stomach. I manage to walk my way over there, despite the constant shaking of my knees and my unsteady breaths. We are face to face, I watch the past flash before us, a movie, a black and white one, no sound. His hand trails through his hair, his eyes on mine. We don't have to speak, I know what he is thinking. He stares at me a second longer, before breaking the tense air.
"Hi." Its simple, unlike us. But what else is there to say? So many painful words etched into the depths of our relationship. There is no going back now. No taking back everything we ever did to one another. My new life obvious to him, his not so much to me. I don't know anything about him anymore, everything could have changed, he could have changed. Everything, but his soul. He will always be John Carter. I know the real John Carter, the one who said the most wonderful things, then turned around and broke my heart. My trust level is not soaring for this man, let me tell you.
"Hey." He watches my every movement, the way my hands fiddled uncomfortably with my scrub top. I watch as he wrings his hands, folding them, only to unfold them. We each bare the same nervous feelings.
"How have you been?" He asks bitterly. Now I see it. Its clear as day, everything.
"Good." I answer nonchalantly. He nods, his face angry, hurt, bitter.
"Good." He sighs, a small smirk playing along his lips, he doesn't want to stay, he's looking for a way out. "I've got to go- This foundation thing." I nod, he turns and walks away, shaking his head.
"John-" He stops dead in his tracks unable to believe what I just did. Hell, so am I. But I am different, I am trying to confront my fears and situations I'd rather skirt. He slowly turns his body, we face each other, one last time.
"You what to go for coffee?" I ask. He looks at me, nodding.
"Yeah, sure. When?" I mull this over, not today. I need time to plan exactly what I am going to say. I need him to know the answers to every single question he is going to bombard me with. Its not going to be simple. It will most likely be the hardest thing either of us will have to do. We will be confronting our pasts. Something we both thought we left behind.
"Tomorrow."
"Not tonight?"
"I have to get home to Tayte."
"Okay, I am only in Chicago till tomorrow night-"
"Midday." He nods accepting my offer. I walk over to admin desk resting my head in my hands. I can't believe I am actually going to go through with this. After not thinking about it for six years, trying to avoid the subject completely I am actually going to face it head on. I went over this conversation in my mind, when things changed. I must of gone over a hundred different ways this could go. None went well. I know he won't want just an explanation either. He will want to find his way into my heart, dig down deep, psychoanalyse me if you will. But a lot about me has changed, not who I truly am, but things that were issues in my life back then have faded away. I thank Donnie for that. His faith in me set me on the right track. The blaring ring of the phone brings me out of my thoughts. I answer it, although its the clerks job, getting out of my own head would be nice right now.
"Hello."
"Hey."
"Susan." I say startle, excited to hear her voice. I cradle the phone between my left ear and shoulder. She sounds tired, and as though she's been crying, I can't blame her for either. I sigh, so relieved to hear my best friends voice. I can't stand it when she's mad at me. Although I know its because she's upset at the moment. Although I would rather her cry on my shoulder. I want to comfort her.
"I'm sorry- about-"
"Don't worry about it." I cut her off. She can behave how ever she needs too. I'll be the one she runs too or the one she kicks. Either or, I just want to be there for her in any way possible. "You can talk to me. I will be there in a second, any time you need me." I can hear a light sob into the phone, it breaks my heart. Why do some people wind up accidentally have kids, and not wanting them. Others end up loosing them. Loosing someone they would have loved so dearly. I know Susan, she would have loved this child just as much as she loves Kory and Baxter.
"Thanks." I smile a little.
"Want me to come over after my shift?"
"No, you taking Baxter and Kory is great. Thanks. Chuck will pick them up tomorrow."
"Any time." She sniffles a bit. I can hear her murmur a bye, then hang up the phone, I leave it resting on my shoulder. I wish I could do something for her, like bring that baby back. Take all her pain away. A few days ago she was the regular light hearted, sarcastic Susan. Today, her world is falling down around her. I know how she feels, well maybe not to the same extent. Still.
~*~
The keys jangle as they hit the table...That table...That sound...I freeze in my spot, recalling that night, the one night I had been trying for so long to block out of my mind. I had walls built up, one by one, each block carefully constructed, pushing away the pain. Blocking it off, pleading with myself to forget. Then in came Donnie, slowly each block was taken down, bit by bit every story, every burden, every lost memory, every abandoned dream, was flooding through, overwhelming me. Drowning me in a sea of pain, I fought to build again, construct the perfect barrier, but he wouldn't let me. Before I knew it I was back in med school and holding my beautiful baby. The walls have been shattered, at one point I thought I would never expose myself. Then in waltz Carter, his clumsy way won me over. His cheeky, lopsided, crooked grin caused me to wear one of my own. I thought he was the one. He wasn't. The walls were taken down, just for him. Because he wanted it, but not for long, he wouldn't stand by me, not like I had needed him too. Soon he was gone. Now here I stand reminiscing realising that whatever I had done to better myself, when I was with Carter, was for Carter. Whatever I had done when- while, I'm with Donnie, has been for me. He has just given me the courage and held my hand while it happens. He's my saviour. No matter what I can't forget it.
"Hey-" I look up, jolted out of my thoughts by a pyjama clad Donnie. His hair dishevelled from sleep. A smile upon his lips, bring one to mine.
"Hey." I mimic, he walks closer to me, engulfing me in a hug. Tearing my worries away and replacing them with hope. I rest my head upon his chest, taking in his scent, memorizing everything about him. Just in case one day, one day he comes to his senses and leaves me, he will be engraved in my memory. I hope he never comes to his senses.
"You look like you've had a rough day." He smoothes my hair down, his smile never leaving his face. I nod my head against his chest, taking a moment to look up at him.
"Want to tell me about it?" I shake my head, sighing a little. I know that eventually I will have to tell him, eventually it will all be out on the table. I just hope he can be strong for me when it is. I hope he can stand by me, help me face my demons, our demons.
"I love you." I murmur, he chuckles lightly into my hair, planting kisses along my hairline. Soon he is taking me into the bedroom, our fingers intertwined, laced together, joined in unity as one. His fingers dance along mine, sitting me down on the bed. Slowly my shoes and socks are being throw to the floor. My clothes are the next to go, being replaced by a warm sweater and sweat pants. We crawl into bed together, his arms finding my waist, my head his chest. Together we are perfect. Well, close enough.
"I'm sorry." I mumble, into the darkness. He knows what I am talking about.
"Its okay, you were listening in someway." I laugh. The silence engulfs us once more, my eyes flutter close, only to open slightly, staring at the lone light that waivers on our curtain.
"The guy you were speaking to is him. John Carter."