Kokoro no Hitan
The part of me that wanted to mourn over Kagura's death was frozen in a solid block of ice, a numbness that could only heal through revenge, and even then it was highly unlikely.
Kyo would pay for what he did to Kagura, for what he did to me. He ruined my life, stole my soul, covered my world in a shroud of black that could never be lifted, a darkness that was ruled by the insanity that was Black Haru.
My black wings spread out behind me as the wind whipped at my open trenchcoat. There was no more room for pain in my heart when revenge was the only reason for living.
Don't worry, Kagura, I thought, looking up at the sky, Kyo will pay dearly for what he did to you.
I looked straight ahead again. He will long for the shadow lover, the one they call "Death", to whisk him away into the bliss of nothingness when I am done with him. What he did was inexcusable. He took my soul, and yours. He forced you life to be as short as that of the cherry blossom, but not even half as beautiful. He is a murderer, Kagura, and he will pay for your death, I promise. And when I'm done with him, I'll come for you, watashi no ai, and we can finally be together. Sweet dreams, Kyo-chan.
-Black Haru
~~~
I cried until I knew I needed to get prepared for the funeral, that I couldn't wait any longer.
I was on the edge of tears the entire way to the main Sohma house, my head constantly bowed to keep my bangs sheilding my eyes.
I didn't want to look at Kyo, for him to see in my eyes how I accused him, even though it really wasn't his fault.
I kept trying to tell myself that, that it wasn't Kyo's fault, but when I looked at Kagura's body, lying so quiet, so peaceful, so....still...in that coffin, I knew I couldn't convince myself anymore.
But, in the end, wasn't it partially my fault too? If I had never gotten involved with the Sohma's, would Kagura have ended up with Kyo? Would he have finally seen just how much she truly loved him? All I knew for sure was that it definately wouldn't have ended up like this.
Tears started to flow. I couldn't hold them back. It was truly my fault. If I had never shown up, this would have never happened!
And what about Kyo? I couldn't help but look over at him. What was Hatsuharu going to do to him? Shigure had explained to me what happened after Kyo had went up to his room. I had only seen Haru gone Black a couple of times, but it seemed that now it was permenate. If anything happened to Kyo...then that would be my fault too! And when I cared about him so much!
I was making myself sick just thinking about it. It took a good amount of effort and control to keep what was left in my stomach where it was, even though I knew deep down that it wouldn't stay there for long.
So, in the end, everything wasn't Kyo's fault, it was mine. Maybe I should try telling Hatsuharu that, I thought to myself. That, in reality, all of this is truly my fault. If I had never showed up on the Sohma's doorstep that day, if my curiousity hadn't gotten the better of me, then this would've never happened. I would have went into my tent that night, and died in my sleep, or doing homework as the avalanche came down. None of this would have happened! Kagura would have still been alive!
My stomach lurched and I ran out of the room. I didn't know where the bathroom was, so I ran outside. It was a good five or ten minutes before I could attempt going back into the room the funeral was being held in.
When I did gather enough strength to go back inside, once I was seated, Hatsuharu came in not two minutes after me. My stomach lurched, but there was nothing else inside it for it to push out. I should tell him. It's all my fault, to leave Kyo alone. None of this would have happened if I had never shown up.
By sheer luck, he sat in the row behind me. I turned around in my seat.
"Haru, I need to talk to you." He raised an eyebrow. "Do you mind leaving the room for a few moments."
He got up out of his seat. I took that as a yes, and led the way out of the room.
-Tohru Honda
~~~
I had no clue what Tohru wanted to tell me, but I figured I might as well get it over with.
"What?" I asked her, when we were halfway down the hallway, far enough away from the room that once the cerimony began, we wouldn't be disturbing anyone.
"A-ano...Kyo-kun....You need to leave Kyo-kun...alone..." She stopped for a moment. I could tell she had more to say.
"He...he doesn't have...He's...not the reason...why...Kagura...." I stared at her. She was looking at her hands. She looked up at me for an instant, then looked back down again, slightly blushing. "It's...It's not his fault Kagura...."
I couldn't take it anymore. "Of course it's that baka neko's fault that Kagura's dead!" Tohru cringed. I didn't care. "Why else would she be gone if it wasn't for that uncaring, insentimental bastard?!"
Tohru was still cringing before she spoke. "It's...It's my fault!" She looked up at me again, but this time her eyes held mine. "If I had never shown up, and Kagura never had competition, then she..." She trailed off.
I was in shock. I had never thought about it like that before. If Tohru had never shown up...? If Tohru had never appeared, Kagura wouldn't have felt her love for Kyo was threatened, Kyo wouldn't have been forced to transform, Kagura wouldn't have gotten so depressed, and, in the end, I probably would've never fallen in love with her. So it was all Tohru's fault. But that changed everything, because if Tohru had never came around, then I probably wouldn't have fallen in love with Kagura to begin with.
Now what do I do? I could feel the ice slowly starting to melt away, the pain of Kagura's death starting to fill my heart. Maybe White Haru hadn't died after all, maybe I had just froze him, temporarily, in a block of ice, the ice that was now starting to thaw.
"KAGURA!!"
-Hatsuharu Sohma
~~~
A/N: For those of you who don't know much Japanese, here's a list (please tell me if I forgort anything, and I'm sorry I didn't post this sooner):
ano: um
arigatou / arigatou gozaimasu: thank you
baka: stupid/idiot
chigau: no (a form of, anyway)
chikusho: damn it
daijoubu: I'm okay
demo: but
genki: good
gomen/ gomen nee/ gomen nasai: sorry
hai: yes
hontou/ hontou ni: really
ka: ? (daijoubu desu ka?=are you okay?)
kono baka neko= this stupid cat
minna: everyone
neko: cat
no: of (ex. Watashi no ai=my love)
o-genki desu ka?= how are you?
ohayou: morning (as in "good morning")
sayoonara: good bye (permenantly or for a long time, different than "ja ne" which means "see you later")
watashi: I
zutto: always
The part of me that wanted to mourn over Kagura's death was frozen in a solid block of ice, a numbness that could only heal through revenge, and even then it was highly unlikely.
Kyo would pay for what he did to Kagura, for what he did to me. He ruined my life, stole my soul, covered my world in a shroud of black that could never be lifted, a darkness that was ruled by the insanity that was Black Haru.
My black wings spread out behind me as the wind whipped at my open trenchcoat. There was no more room for pain in my heart when revenge was the only reason for living.
Don't worry, Kagura, I thought, looking up at the sky, Kyo will pay dearly for what he did to you.
I looked straight ahead again. He will long for the shadow lover, the one they call "Death", to whisk him away into the bliss of nothingness when I am done with him. What he did was inexcusable. He took my soul, and yours. He forced you life to be as short as that of the cherry blossom, but not even half as beautiful. He is a murderer, Kagura, and he will pay for your death, I promise. And when I'm done with him, I'll come for you, watashi no ai, and we can finally be together. Sweet dreams, Kyo-chan.
-Black Haru
~~~
I cried until I knew I needed to get prepared for the funeral, that I couldn't wait any longer.
I was on the edge of tears the entire way to the main Sohma house, my head constantly bowed to keep my bangs sheilding my eyes.
I didn't want to look at Kyo, for him to see in my eyes how I accused him, even though it really wasn't his fault.
I kept trying to tell myself that, that it wasn't Kyo's fault, but when I looked at Kagura's body, lying so quiet, so peaceful, so....still...in that coffin, I knew I couldn't convince myself anymore.
But, in the end, wasn't it partially my fault too? If I had never gotten involved with the Sohma's, would Kagura have ended up with Kyo? Would he have finally seen just how much she truly loved him? All I knew for sure was that it definately wouldn't have ended up like this.
Tears started to flow. I couldn't hold them back. It was truly my fault. If I had never shown up, this would have never happened!
And what about Kyo? I couldn't help but look over at him. What was Hatsuharu going to do to him? Shigure had explained to me what happened after Kyo had went up to his room. I had only seen Haru gone Black a couple of times, but it seemed that now it was permenate. If anything happened to Kyo...then that would be my fault too! And when I cared about him so much!
I was making myself sick just thinking about it. It took a good amount of effort and control to keep what was left in my stomach where it was, even though I knew deep down that it wouldn't stay there for long.
So, in the end, everything wasn't Kyo's fault, it was mine. Maybe I should try telling Hatsuharu that, I thought to myself. That, in reality, all of this is truly my fault. If I had never showed up on the Sohma's doorstep that day, if my curiousity hadn't gotten the better of me, then this would've never happened. I would have went into my tent that night, and died in my sleep, or doing homework as the avalanche came down. None of this would have happened! Kagura would have still been alive!
My stomach lurched and I ran out of the room. I didn't know where the bathroom was, so I ran outside. It was a good five or ten minutes before I could attempt going back into the room the funeral was being held in.
When I did gather enough strength to go back inside, once I was seated, Hatsuharu came in not two minutes after me. My stomach lurched, but there was nothing else inside it for it to push out. I should tell him. It's all my fault, to leave Kyo alone. None of this would have happened if I had never shown up.
By sheer luck, he sat in the row behind me. I turned around in my seat.
"Haru, I need to talk to you." He raised an eyebrow. "Do you mind leaving the room for a few moments."
He got up out of his seat. I took that as a yes, and led the way out of the room.
-Tohru Honda
~~~
I had no clue what Tohru wanted to tell me, but I figured I might as well get it over with.
"What?" I asked her, when we were halfway down the hallway, far enough away from the room that once the cerimony began, we wouldn't be disturbing anyone.
"A-ano...Kyo-kun....You need to leave Kyo-kun...alone..." She stopped for a moment. I could tell she had more to say.
"He...he doesn't have...He's...not the reason...why...Kagura...." I stared at her. She was looking at her hands. She looked up at me for an instant, then looked back down again, slightly blushing. "It's...It's not his fault Kagura...."
I couldn't take it anymore. "Of course it's that baka neko's fault that Kagura's dead!" Tohru cringed. I didn't care. "Why else would she be gone if it wasn't for that uncaring, insentimental bastard?!"
Tohru was still cringing before she spoke. "It's...It's my fault!" She looked up at me again, but this time her eyes held mine. "If I had never shown up, and Kagura never had competition, then she..." She trailed off.
I was in shock. I had never thought about it like that before. If Tohru had never shown up...? If Tohru had never appeared, Kagura wouldn't have felt her love for Kyo was threatened, Kyo wouldn't have been forced to transform, Kagura wouldn't have gotten so depressed, and, in the end, I probably would've never fallen in love with her. So it was all Tohru's fault. But that changed everything, because if Tohru had never came around, then I probably wouldn't have fallen in love with Kagura to begin with.
Now what do I do? I could feel the ice slowly starting to melt away, the pain of Kagura's death starting to fill my heart. Maybe White Haru hadn't died after all, maybe I had just froze him, temporarily, in a block of ice, the ice that was now starting to thaw.
"KAGURA!!"
-Hatsuharu Sohma
~~~
A/N: For those of you who don't know much Japanese, here's a list (please tell me if I forgort anything, and I'm sorry I didn't post this sooner):
ano: um
arigatou / arigatou gozaimasu: thank you
baka: stupid/idiot
chigau: no (a form of, anyway)
chikusho: damn it
daijoubu: I'm okay
demo: but
genki: good
gomen/ gomen nee/ gomen nasai: sorry
hai: yes
hontou/ hontou ni: really
ka: ? (daijoubu desu ka?=are you okay?)
kono baka neko= this stupid cat
minna: everyone
neko: cat
no: of (ex. Watashi no ai=my love)
o-genki desu ka?= how are you?
ohayou: morning (as in "good morning")
sayoonara: good bye (permenantly or for a long time, different than "ja ne" which means "see you later")
watashi: I
zutto: always