[Fred's apartment]
FRED: Is the spell workin'?
WILLOW: Oh yeah. Where is that place on the map that's lit up?
FRED: Ah think that's Westwood.
WILLOW: I'm getting it focused on the exact spot. Can you read the street location?
FRED: Lemmee look. [the light disappears] What happened?
WILLOW: I don't know. I don't know what could have gone wrong.
[Lilah enters]
LILAH: Thanks for the tip, Rosenberg.
FRED: I knew I shoulda locked the door.
WILLOW: What did you do to me?
LILAH: Nothing. Not yet, anyway. I just tapped into your spell and sucked out all the good stuff on my PDA. It's amazing what you can do with these little things. Once used it to kill a man.
FRED: How dare you come into my house like this, Lilah.
LILAH: Not like I have to be invited.
WILLOW: This is Lilah? Well, well. How bout that! Wesley's done quite well for himself.
LILAH: Apparently so has Fred. Or are you just sticking to the PG-rated spells with her, Willow?
WILLOW: How the hell do you know my name?
LILAH: Don't be so shocked. It's not like you've been keeping a low profile these past couple years. That whole Brunhilda, Twilight of the Gods thing you did last May, hard to miss. And today our witches sensed your presence in our neck of the woods. They're actually jealous of you. Thought you came to take their jobs. After all, you're as powerful as any three of them put together. And your little locator spell was perfect for letting them locate you. Once again, the firm thanks you for volunteering your assistance. This information should prove helpful. Fred, if your boss wants me to share, he knows where to find me. I'm sure a suitable trade can be worked out.
FRED: He'll never sleep with you.
LILAH: Call me old-fashioned, but I prefer my men above room temperature. I was talking about other services. Labors he could perform for the firm. Come to think of it, if Willow here lent us her powers for two days, I'd be willing to share. How bout it red? Do your new friend and her colleagues a favor?
WILLOW: Bite me, spell-stealing whore.
LILAH: I bet you'd like me to do that to you. Sorry. Not my thing. [sarcastic smirk. Lilah pulls out a folder.] There is something you can do for me, Rosenberg. Deliver these to your enemy. We're suing them. Wolfram & Hart owns the trademarks to the phrases The First Evil™ and The First™. Your enemy, who legally should be referred to as the FE, is in clear violation of our intellectual property rights. Their unauthorized uses of these phrases is damaging to our firm's reputation, and to the market value of the aforementioned trademarks.
FRED: Wolfram & Hart's the First Evil! Big surprise there.
LILAH: No. We just own the trademarks.
WILLOW: Is this some kind of joke?
LILAH: I don't joke about business.
WILLOW: [looks confused] Just out of curiosity, you don't happen to also own "From beneath you, it devours," do you?
LILAH: We do, but the FE purchased the rights to use it for an unspecified royalty payment in the low eight figures.
WILLOW: How exactly do you sue an evil entity that doesn't take physical form?
LILAH: The FE is run by a non-profit corporation registered in the State of California under the name GRRR, ARGH. They possess an endowment valued at approximately $100 million. We hope to get a lien on some of this money until they cease and desist with their unauthorized exploitation of our trademarks. And if and when you and your pals defeat them, we hope to plunder and liquidate their assets for our own enrichment. So thank you in advance for taking out our competition. Anyway, GRRR, ARGH has a storefront in a strip mall in your town. The address in in the envelope. Inside there's just a receptionist. She's human, she doesn't know anything, and if you kill her you will be arrested and sent to prison. She can, however, fax these documents to the corporation's head council, and then we can get down to business and talk about a settlement.
WILLOW: You actually expect me to believe this nonsense?
LILAH: Willow, think for a second. You're doing a demon locator spell with a woman who's been enslaved in a demon dimension, for god's sakes. And your old high school friend had sex with a child of vampires who was born 13 months ago. Not to mention all the crazy stuff you must have seen in your little town. All that stuff you accept. But what I've tell you, somehow THAT is too ridiculous for you to believe.
WILLOW: That's actually a very good point.
LILAH: Thank you. After all, you do live on a nexus, a nodal concentration of mystical doo-dads or whatever.
WILLOW: You mean the Hellmouth.
LILAH: Yes, the Hellmouth. [rolls her eyes] A little overdramatic don't you think? Like you're the only town with vampires and demons. When was the last time it rained fire in Sunnyvale?
WILLOW: It's Sunnydale.
LILAH: Whatever. I should tell you that Wolfram & Hart possesses a file on the FE which is thousands of pages in length. Details everything - their bases, their operatives, tactics, strategies, which hell beasts they can raise, and how to kill them. What you might call a comprehensive battle plan. If you can help us, we'd be more than willing to help you. But I'm sure you already know EVERYTHING about the FE, don't you?
WILLOW: We don't need your help. [Willow's a bad liar. Lilah can tell] How can you expect us to help you? You're evil!
LILAH: Small-town folk are charming. Everything's so simple to your kind. But I thought a smart girl like yourself would know by now that the world's more complicated than that. [walks to door, then turns around] I'm sure it was a pleasure for you to meet me, Willow. [arches eyebrows] Best of luck with vanquishing GRRR, ARGH Incorporated. And if you want my help, my card's in the envelope. [Lilah leaves]
FRED: What a bitch.
WILLOW: It's nice to meet a smart female villain. The evil chicks we fight are always such airheads. And she's got this whole Barbara Stanwyck, raven-haired vixen thing going on.
FRED: I don't believe this!
WILLOW: Don't worry. I know she's evil. But if she were truly a threat, how come she returns year, after year, after year, after year, and causes you guys no lasting harm?