[Gunn comes into the lobby through the back door.]
GUNN: So I'm fightin' this giant demon worm, and I chop it in half with my axe, and it turns into two demon worms. So I chop them in half. Four demon worms! Never seen anything like that in my whole entire life.
WILLOW: Sounds like "Fantasia."
GUNN: Say what? Ain't no demon worms in "Fantasia."
ANGEL: Sounds like a nemacondal. To kill them you have to cut them longitudinally. You know, lengthwise.
GUNN: Found that out the messy way. Had to shower before I could go back out in public. That's why I was gone so long. Did I miss anything interesting? [Fred and Willow both smirk to try to keep from laughing.]
FRED: Nope. Can't think of anything worth mentioning.
CORDY: Say, what was that spell you were doing with Willow?
FRED: A finder spell or somethin' like that.
WILLOW: A locator spell. To find where your Big Bad hibernates. Apparently he crashes in Westwood. After that it gets complicated. I'll have to explain.
[Wesley enters, wearing a jacket.]
WES: Check out my new toy. [flips his right wrist. A thin tube pops out about two feet past his fingers. Then a quick burst of flame several feet long shoots out of the tube. Then the tube disappears back inside Wesley's sleeve.] Greek Fire. Secret weapon of ancient Byzantium. Sticks to the skin. Very difficult to extinguish. We'll see what the Beasty thinks of this.
WILLOW: How bout that. All you need now is a car with a missile launcher and a watch that shoots poison darts and, oh, forget it. By the way Wes, I met Lilah. Frankly, I'm impressed. You've really outdone yourself this time, snagging someone that glamorous.
CORDY: When did you meet Lilah? And what do you mean glamorous?
WILLOW: Sure, she's not without her demerits, starting with whatever she did with Connor. But the woman's got star quality.
WES: Did? With Connor? Lilah DID Connor?
WILLOW: You and Angel should start a support group.
CONNOR: She tried to tie me up. Does she tie you up?
WES: [pausing, trying to maintain composure.] From my experience I've found she's the one who likes to get tied up.
WILLOW: Really? I pictured her as a dominator. [Wes and Fred give Willow funny looks.] Not that I've ever PICTURED her or thought about her, certainly not in that way. I just mean, she struck me as the type who would like to be on top. You know, in control.
WES: Maybe that's what this . . . this THING with Connor was. She wanted someone she could control - enslave, really. I'm sure it was nothing more than that.
CONNOR: So does this mean you're still interested in her? [whispers in Wes's ear] You really gonna kiss that mouth after what I put in it? [Wes turns ashen. Angel heard from 20 feet away. He looks distressed. Connor's changing, and evidently not for the better.]
ANGEL: Can we try to focus on something asexual? [Xander enters. Angel notices.] That's not what I had in mind. Guess I should be careful what I wish for.
WILLOW: Hey Xand. How was work?
CORDY: What is he doing here? And who else from Sunnydale is lurking nearby, ready to drop in at any moment?
WILLOW: Oh no, it's just us - thank heavens. [after all, if Buffy showed up things could get awfully ugly]
XANDER: I had a construction job down in Culver City. They needed a replacement crew after the old crew disappeared.
ANGEL: They didn't exactly disappear.
WES: More like ripped limb from limb.
XANDER: [oblivious to this news] So I figure, I'm gonna be in town all day, so why not take Willow along, let her catch up with you guys. Tell me Willow, what exactly have they been up to?
WILLOW: Quite a lot. I'm not quite sure where to begin.
XANDER: Cordelia! You sure look different. Cut your hair. Dyed it blonde. Are we trying to look like someone? Trying to catch a certain man's attention? What else have you done - started slaying vampires?
CONNOR: [steps up to Xander] And she's good at it. She's a demon fighter. You got a problem with that?
XANDER: [looks dismissively at the teenager] Leave us alone, small fry. The grown-ups are having a conversation.
CORDY: Connor relax. I can handle him.
XANDER: You sure could. Especially in the utility closet. [Cordy looks pissed. Connor and Angel don't know what Xander is talking about. Xander walks away before Cordy could insult him back.] I see some new faces.
WILLOW: Xander, this is Gunn, this is Fred, and the young man you've already met is Connor. [Connor's glares at Xander. Something about this new guy rubs Connor the wrong way.]
FRED: Great to meet you, Xander. Willow's told me lotsa wonderful stuff about you.
XANDER: [smiling] Well thank you. Always glad to meet a fan.
GUNN: Whassup man.
XANDER: Hey there. [looks behind Fred and Gunn] Wesley? Wesley, is that you? [walks over to Wesley. He's not happy to see Xander] You're a mess! There's this wonderful new invention called an electric razor. Maybe you should look into buying one. Or have you just given up completely on personal grooming?
WES: That's right. Keep up the class clown act. Just give me one excuse, one reason, to give you the thrashing of a lifetime.
XANDER: heheheh. Is that supposed to scare me? A threat from Weasely Wesley? You grow a little stubble, take off the glasses, and expect me to believe you've become some sort of badass?
WILLOW: Xander he IS a badass.
XANDER: What! You're kidding right?
WILLOW: Fraid not. You know how over the course of three or four years people can go through some pretty dramatic changes? Well, he has.
XANDER: I'll just have to trust you on that one, Will. It's cool. [pats Wes on the shoulder, a friendly but condescending gesture. Wesley still glares at him contemptuously. Gunn likes Xander's antagonism towards Wes.] You understand my doubts. After all, last time I say this guy, he was cowering on the ground while the rest of us were fighting for our lives.
ANGEL: So that's why I didn't see you during the graduation melee.
WES: I was not cowering. I place myself in the front lines, and as a consequence I was trampled by the hundreds of people running up behind me. That sort of thing can happen to even the best man.
WILLOW: I think we can all agree that whether or not Wes was once cowardly, things have changed. Honestly Wesley, you think Lilah would have given you the time of day four years ago?
WES: Perhaps not. But Cordelia sure did. [Connor doesn't look amused]
CONNOR: You – and Wesley!
CORDY: No. Not really. And it's none of your business. [Connor looks angrily at Wesley. Wes knows better than to put Connor into a jealous rage.]
WES: Nothing happened. Like Willow said, I was a very different man.
WILLOW: Not entirely. Cordy did say you looked all 007 in a tux, and now you have the gadgetry, and the really hot bad girl.
WES: Then again, James Bond never sliced a 400-pound demon in half.
XANDER: So you used to be Roger Moore James Bond. Then you got booted from the Council. Now you're Timothy Dalton James Bond. The rogue agent, like in License to Kill. [the others start looking at him kind of funny.] Sorry, I've been forced to spend a lot of time with this guy Andrew, and he this thing, this obsession with . . . never mind.
WILLOW: Good call, Xander. Andrew would probably LOOOVE Wesley. He'd be Andrew's hero.
XANDER: Maybe we could send him up here. Kind of like a geek exchange program.
WILLOW: But they don't have any geeks of their own to exchange with us.
GUNN: So Wes, whadya got against this Xander guy? He don't seem so bad.
WES: He's not bad. Just annoying. And useless. Am I right?
CORDY: Can't argue with that.
ANGEL: He's like ballast. Dead weight.
FRED: But without ballast, the ship's center of gravity would be too high and it would capsize.
ANGEL: I know. I didn't say he was useless. He's not. He's just . . . ballast.
XANDER: That was a compliment, right?
ANGEL: [thinks for a few seconds] I guess it was. It's also the truth, come to think of it. I can't think of a better metaphor to describe your purpose.
XANDER: So you're saying without me everything falls apart? Thank you.
ANGEL: Don't mention it.
CORDY: Is that the nicest thing you've ever said to Xander?
ANGEL: Probably the nicest thing I'll EVER say to him.
CONNOR: So you're from Sunnydale. Where Cordy grew up. Were you two friends?
XANDER: No. Never. It was always love-hate with the two of us. No middle ground.
CONNOR: Love!?
XANDER: More like lust. Why do you care?
WILLOW: Maybe you shouldn't answer that. Cordy, I think we need to change the subject yet again.
CORDY: Right. To something which has nothing to do with Xander. Or Connor.
XANDER: I don't get you, Connor. You act like you're Cordy's protector. You get jealous when anyone talks about her love life. It's like you think you're her boyfriend. Which, knowing Cordy, I'm sure you're not. He's not, right?
CORDY: No. Definitely not.
CONNOR: Yeah. You just lived with me and had sex with me.
XANDER: Cordy! I'm shocked. Since when did you go for younger guys?
WILLOW: Xander, step back, let me explain. Believe me when I say you have NO idea what you're walking into.
CONNOR: Was Xander your boyfriend?
CORDY: Well, uh, see, the thing is, kinda, yes. But only for a little while.
XANDER: You call a year a little while?
CORDY: I was gone all summer so those months don't count. And what date are you using as the starting point for our relationship, cause by my count . .
XANDER: True or false. You dated me longer than anyone in high school? Longer than anyone since high school.
CORDY: [thinks about it. looks agonized] Oh God. Oh God. It's true. That is so pathetic.
CONNOR: I don't believe this! I'm not good enough for you do date, but he is!? How is that possible? I mean, look at him!
ANGEL: I hate to say it, but my son has a point.
CONNOR: It's one thing for you to choose Angel over me. But this THING! This waste of space? Come on! Am I really lower than him?
CORDY: No. No. Of course not.
CONNOR: Did you sleep with him, with this thing?
XANDER: Stop calling me a thing.
CONNOR: What else am I supposed to call you? You're hardly a man. [Wes chuckles. So does Angel.]
XANDER: Let's back up one moment. How can Cordy choose Angel over the boy?
CONNOR: Are you calling me a boy?
XANDER: What else should I call you? You're hardly a man.
CONNOR: I think Cordy would disagree. And she's not the only one.
XANDER: Like I was saying, you can't choose Angel over the boy, because you can't choose someone who would never want you. It's like me choosing Buffy. Unless . . . no, don't tell me. I don't believe it!
WILLOW: Angel loves Cordy.
XANDER: And when you say love, you mean . . .
WILLOW: The kind where they want to be naked together.
XANDER: Now this - this is a surprise. The tables have turned. You're hot for my ex-girlfriend. [walks up to Angel] It must kill you that I got there first.
CORDY: You didn't get anywhere.
ANGEL: He didn't, right?
CORDY: Of course not! [Angel breathes a sigh of relief. Cordy sleeping with Connor, that deeply upset Angel. But Cordy sleeping with Xander, well in a way that's worse.]
CONNOR: What could you POSSIBLY see in him? Is he a fighter? Is he a champion?
XANDER: Excuse me. A what?
CONNOR: A champion. A defender of the helpless. One who doesn't see the world as it is, but instead sees it as it should be, and tries to make it a better place.
XANDER: That is so lame! Did you come up with that?
CONNOR: Angel's always talking about it. He gives these speeches.
ANGEL: I'm glad you remembered my speech. It's good to know you took something from that talk.
XANDER: So that's what it's come to - you call yourselves champions. At what point do you start wearing capes and black tights?
WILLOW: And when do you rename this place the Fortress of Solitude? Sorry, couldn't resist. It is a bit self-consciously grandiose. I've done some pretty amazing stuff. But I don't go around giving myself fancy titles.
[Lorne comes down the stairs]
LORNE: [singing] "I'm in the money, I'm in the money, I've got a lot of what it takes to get along." [talking] I've got good news and great news. The good news is Caritas is having its grand re-opening this Friday. The great news is I ensured the place for 2 million smackeroos. Next time the place gets trashed, I'll be covered in green, and I ain't talkin' bout my skin, sugar.
WILLOW: Who are you, the friendly neighborhood demon?
XANDER: You're actually less unsightly than our friendly neighborhood demon.
LORNE: Thanks, I guess. But I like to think of myself as something more than the wacky, red-horned next door neighbor.
XANDER: So you have demony powers?
FRED: He makes you sing and then reads your thoughts and sees your future.
LORNE: Actually, I'm out of the futures business. Seems everytime I pull a Nostradamus someone's brains end up splattered on the wall. Right now I mostly do counseling. I listen, I advise, I help people and demons with their problems. Like Dr. Phil, except I know what I'm talking about.
WILLOW: We had a demon in Sunnydale who made everyone in town sing and dance and reveal their innermost thoughts and feelings. The whole town was singing and dancing. Then people started dying.
LORNE: An entire town singing and dancing? How precious! How Busby Berkeley! Well, except for the killing. I don't believe in going that far in the name of art. Sounds like an empath who went over to the dark side. There's a few dozen of them around. Say, wouldn't it be lovely if that happened here? No, actually it wouldn't. None of you can carry a tune to save your souls. Except for you, Charles. The rest of you, well, you've heard each other sing, you know what I'm talking about.
XANDER: So there are other musical demons out there who could strike at any time?
WILLOW: We are in need of a light-hearted diversion. And I'd like to hear what kind of pipes the newbies have got.
XANDER: I've always wanted to do an homage to Gene Kelly's "Singin' in the Rain" on Main Street.
LORNE: They never strike where another has gone before. Then there's no novelty. And each of them has a distinctive genre they make people sing in. What was yours? Rogers & Hammerstein? Gilbert & Sullivan?
WILLOW: No. It was more contemporary. Kind of pop/rock.
LORNE: Please don't tell me it was Andrew Lloyd Webber. The horror!
XANDER: No, it was a lot better than that.
WILLOW: Sort of like Rent with a splash of Les Mis.
XANDER: Pleasantly tuneful.
LORNE: Just be glad you didn't get the Lawrence Welk demon. Entire towns have been known to commit mass suicide rather than endure that ordeal.