XANDER: Angel, it's quite shocking to learn that you now have the hots for Cordy. Because back when you lived in Sunnydale, you barely even noticed she existed. And it's not like she was hard to miss, since she literally THREW herself at you every chance she got. So what gives? Has Cordy changed, or have you just gotten desperate? You know that song: the eagle flying with the doves and so you can't be with who you love, something something."
LORNE: Actually it's "And there's a rose in the fisted glove/ and the eagle flies with the dove/ and if you can't be with the one you love, honey/ love the one you're with." Not like I'm saying that's what's going on AT ALL. It's a nice song, I got caught up in the moment.
WILLOW: You're quite good. You perform?
LORNE: Do I perform? Three months sold out in Las Vegas, hottest show on the strip. Do I perform? Honey, I astound.
WILLOW: You should do a show at the Bronze. Don't you think, Xander?
LORNE: First of all, I don't do hick towns. No offense. Second of all, I'm blacklisted from that particular dive. Your Bronze – which those of us in the business call "The Rust" – doesn't allow demons. Ain't that ironic. Not like it's a favorite destination for human talent. The other week I saw Aimee Mann at the Troubadour, and we got to talking after she finished her set. She said the vampires in that town are so rude. Told me that at least in LA the vamps behave themselves and don't start fights in mid-song. She also wanted to know if Billy Idol was a vampire, which I didn't quite get. I mean – come on! – the man has not aged gracefully.
WILLOW: Billy Idol? Why would she? . . . Hold on. Did she meet? . . . Never mind. Xander, your first guess was correct. Cordy has – how shall I put it? – evolved. It appears that you're also a retroactive demon magnet.
XANDER: Huh? What was that word? Retro, retro . . . whoa. Cordy's a demon? Cordy's a demon! What kind of demon? Not a Vengeance Demon, I hope.
ANGEL: Nope. She only hurts men who haven't scorned her.
CORDY: Enough with the angry puppy act, Angel. I didn't become a demon. I became part-demon. So I could help people.
XANDER: Help people what?
WILLOW: She'd get prophecies. She'd know in advance when and where the bad guys would strike so Angel could stop them. Rather like cheating, getting the questions before the exam. Plus there was some levitating, healing with her touch, and occasionally she'd become incandescent.
XANDER: What?
WESLEY: Effulgent.
ANGEL: Effulgent? What kind of a wuss uses that word?
WILLOW: Glowing. She could glow.
XANDER: Like when people get too much radiation?
WILLOW: No. Like when people turn into a 100 kilowatt bulb. Which of course they don't. Except she did. Then suddenly and inexplicably she became a Higher Being in some Upper Dimension, and for reasons no one understands got sent back, apparently without most of her demony powers.
LORNE: Don't even try to make sense of it. Logic departed this little corner of our world a while back.
CONNOR: [to Angel] So is that how things work? You only loved Cordy after she became a demon? She wasn't good enough for you as a human?
ANGEL: Connor, I am not talking to you about this. Why would you believe Xander anyway?
CORDY: Because he's telling the truth.
ANGEL: I don't believe this. You're all ganging up on me.
CONNOR: Was there another woman? Someone you thought was superior to Cordelia?
WES: Oh dear. Now we're playing with dynamite.
ANGEL: Why is it every time we fight you have to bring Her up?
CORDY: I didn't bring Her up. She's the last person I'd mention in your presence. You think I want her shadow following me around?
ANGEL: Buffy is not the problem. Buffy is not the one who slept with Connor.
WILLOW: Thank God for that. [Buffy-Connor crosses everyone's minds for a very frightening fraction of a second. Angel's disturbed to realize that Connor-Buffy would bother him a lot less than Connor-Cordy.]
ANGEL: Was this some sick, twisted form of payback? Your bizarre revenge for my relationship with Buffy? For choosing her over you once upon a time? Did you want to teach me what jealousy felt like? Fine. You win. I hope you're happy now.
CORDY: How can you even think something that ridiculous?
CONNOR: What's a Buffy? Is that a demon? Or some sort of small, furry animal?
LORNE: Sounds like the setup to a punchline in a really dirty joke I once heard.
WES: [whispers to Gunn] There's a reason we don't use the 5-letter B-word around here. Things are about to get very ugly.
CORDY: Angel, can't you see what's happening? Xander's trying to open up old wounds, get under your skin. And you're playing right into his hands. You're letting him manipulate you. Don't give him the satisfaction. Besides, who is Xander to make fun of anyone else's personal life?
ANGEL: You're right. I mean come on, you're Xander. You don't have the right to laugh at anyone's personal life but your own.
XANDER: That may have been true before I saw you this afternoon with Cordy and her boy toy. He's not just younger than you. He's the square root of your age.
WES: One question, Xander. Do you want to get beat up, or are you really as stupid as I think you are?
FRED: What is the problem all of you have with Xander?
ANGEL: Isn't it obvious? He's annoying. He walks into someone else's home and starts insulting everyone in sight.
WES: He's got no class.
FRED: At least he's a decent man. At least he's not some deviant pervert. That's more than I can say for some of the other men in this room.
CORDY: Oh really? Are you going to correct her, Xander? Cause if you won't, I'll be happy to set Fred straight. This shouldn't take long. Xander not a deviant? He dated a 500 year-old Incan Mummy, and tried to lose his virginity to a giant preying mantis.
FRED: You tried to have sex with an arthropod?
XANDER: I didn't know she was a preying mantis.
FRED: How could you NOT know she was a preying mantis!
GUNN: A mummy? Are bandages one of your turn-ons?
XANDER: She didn't have bandages. She looked human. Cordy you're distorting things and you know it.
FRED: Is she telling the truth?
XANDER: Technically, yes.
FRED: You need help.
LORNE: I do counsel people suffering from demon fetishes. I charge 80-an-hour. And I can do telephone appointments. Don't be ashamed. It's more common than you would think.
XANDER: I do not have a demon fetish. It's not like I seek them out. They just keep finding me. And they're aren't exactly upfront and tell you they're a demon right off the bat.
WILLOW: It's true. Xander's a demon magnet. He can't help it.
XANDER: And they're all very attractive human-looking demons. So you can understand my predicament.
GUNN: No I can't.
CONNOR: Why don't you kill the attractive human-looking demons when they hit on you? That's what I do. You have to be pretty desperate to do it with demons. [Willow wonders how Buffy would react to hearing this. Realizes it's best for Connor's own safety that he never meet Buffy, lest he piss her off and pick a fight with her. Also notes the irony in his comments, since Connor is the child of demons.]
CORDY: Now what's left? Decency. Do you remember why we broke up?
XANDER: Speaking of opening old wounds.
CORDY: Really bad choice of words. I caught Xander cheating on me. With Willow.
GUNN: But Willow's a lesbian. Why would he try to get it on with a lesbian?
WES: Willow wasn't always a lesbian. However, with Xander Harris as her masculine ideal, is it any wonder she gave up on men?
CORDY: And that's not the worst part.
FRED: It's not?
CORDY: Oh no. Not only did he cheat on me. He got me impaled.
FRED: That is low. That is lower than low.
XANDER: Come on now! I was at most indirectly responsible for that. The stairs collapsed. She fell. I had nothing to do with any of that.
CONNOR: I saw that wound. I thought a demon had skewered you. But it was this thing. This wretched, disgusting excuse for a man.
XANDER: Enough with the defending of Cordy's "honor." This is getting absurd.
CONNOR: And the worst part is, you don't even say your sorry. Don't creatures with souls always apologize for their evil deeds, even if they don't really mean it? [oblique reference for Angel's apology to Holtz when they met shortly before Darla gave birth.]
XANDER: Can the tough-guy talk, junior. You think I'm afraid of you?
CONNOR: No. I think you're too stupid to be afraid of me.
XANDER: I'm not afraid of you. However, I am afraid of all the other people and undead creatures who've got your back. That's probably why you talk such a good game. You know that if I touch you Angel and pals will come to your rescue. What are you, anyway? The intern? The trainee?
ANGEL: I won't lay a hand on you, Xander. None of us will. I promise. [he smiles, since Xander has no idea what he's gotten himself into.]
WES: It's just you and the young gentleman you so uncharitably call "boy." [he also smiles. Wes will enjoy watching Xander get thrashed.]
XANDER: I don't want to start anything.
CONNOR: You started this by hurting Cordy.
XANDER: And this is your way of trying to impress her?
CONNOR: No. This is my way of giving you what you deserve. [left hook to Xander's diaphragm. Knocks the wind out of him. right jab to Xander's midsection. Connor grabs Xander and throws him across the room. Xander hits the wall and tumbles to the ground. Connor leaps across the room and lands right next to Xander, who looks up at him in perplexed astonishment.]
XANDER: Are you a robot? Cause that would explain an awful lot. Especially your funny way of speaking. [Connor just glares down at him.] What are you?
CONNOR: I hate when people ask me that. [Willow comes over, sticks her hand out, knocks Connor 15 feet backwards without even touching him. Connor's very confused.] What the hell are YOU!
WILLOW: Anyone wants to lay a hand on Xander has to come through me first.
ANGEL: Back away Connor. Leave Willow alone. I don't want anyone losing their skin.
WILLOW: That is so typical! Everywhere I go, people come up to and say "Hey Willow, how's the flaying?" Or "ooh, what are you gonna do, flay me?" All of a sudden, I'm flay girl. Do you have any idea how annoying it is being typecast?
ANGEL: Sorry. It's just something that sticks in your head when you hear it. [Willow lets it slide. She does kinda like it that even Angel appears to be scared of her and respect her power.]
CONNOR: Is Willow part demon, like Cordy? [Xander slowly gets up.]
XANDER: Can someone tell me what that thing is?
CONNOR: Don't call me a thing.
XANDER: You called me a thing.
WILLOW: [communicating telepathically] Xander, just shut up and listen. I should have done this a lot earlier. Connor was born last year.
XANDER: [communicating telepathically] So this is a Dawn sort of thing?
WILLOW: It's completely different. Connor is Angel's biological son.
XANDER: What? How?
WILLOW: No one knows. Angel slept with this vampire named Darla. She became pregnant with a human child. At the end of the pregnancy, she staked herself so Connor could be born. That was 13 months ago.
XANDER: How did he grow up so fast?
WILLOW: It gets weirder. Bear with me. There's this guy named Holtz who hunted vampires in the 18th century. Angel murdered his family. So Holtz found a way to travel through time. He came to LA, kidnapped Connor while he was still an infant, and took baby Connor to an unspeakably horrible hell dimension. Time is different in other dimensions. A day here is like a year there. So a few weeks later Connor comes back a teenager. He ambushes Angel, puts him in a box, and drops him to the bottom of the ocean. He was down there three months before he was rescued.
XANDER: Couldn't have happened to a nicer father. Is this Holtz guy still around? I'd love to meet him.
WILLOW: He killed himself and made it look like Angel bit him. That's why Connor went after Angel.
XANDER: [speaking] Darla! The vampire? Angel, I thought you staked Darla?
CONNOR: You staked mom!
XANDER: Wow. And I thought my family had problems.
CORDY: What just happened during that long silence? How come Xander is all of a sudden in the know?
CONNOR: How could you do that to her?
LORNE: They were communicating telepathically. Who's Dawn, and what connection does she have to Connor?
WILLOW: None, and I'm really hoping it will stay that way. Were you eavesdropping on us?
LORNE: Don't have a choice. You exchange thoughts around an empath, and its like your screaming in my ear. Word of advice: it's bad etiquette to use ESP around those who can't. Very condescending. And no one likes a show-off.
CORDY: You can read each other's thoughts! Am I the only one who finds that really freaky?
WES: Willow I understand. But how can Xander communicate like that? He's powerless.
XANDER: If I'm so powerless, then how did I save the world?
WES: You didn't. Your Slayer did.
FRED: No, he's right. Willow told me about how Xander singlehandedly saved the world last May.
WES: Come again?
ANGEL: Is this some sort of joke?
CORDY: It's true. Kind of. One of the things I saw when I was omniscient. Willow was going to destroy the planet.
ANGEL: How? And why? Did you open a portal to hell?
WILLOW: No Angel. I wasn't going to suck the world into another dimension. I'm not that lazy and powerless. I was going to destroy the planet on my own. With magic. No petrified demon. No shortcuts. No mentally insane cronies doing all my dirty work.
ANGEL: Are you insulting me? Are you questioning my competence?
WILLOW: Actually I was telling the truth, but if the truth makes you feel inferior to me, fine.
CORDY: Unlike you, she actually kicked Buffy's ass. That part was kind of fun to watch, I have to admit. Buffy was getting all self-righteous, taking herself WAY too seriously, all wrapped up in her precious Slayerness. Anyway, Xander didn't save the world. Willow decided not to destroy it. It's like when someone convinces their best friend not to commit suicide, accept Willow was going to take the rest of humanity down with her.
CONNOR: Does that mean you're evil?
WILLOW: No! Of course not. I was. For a few days. But I'm over that, and I'm back to being good.
CONNOR: So you once were evil but now you're good. Like my father?
WILLOW: Absolutely not! It's not like I was a monster. No offense, Angel. But it was only for like one day and I only killed one person, which I'm sorry for even though he was a murderous psychopath.
CONNOR: You killed a killer. Why are you sorry? Killers deserve to die.
WILLOW: Please stop condoning what I did. It doesn't help. My point is, I'm learning how to control my power, so I don't abuse it for selfish purposes. I make sure I only use it to help others. I'm a good witch.
CONNOR: You're a witch! I thought they burned your kind.
WILLOW: They tried. It didn't take. And hey! Could you be any ruder or more intolerant? But since you were raised by an 18th-century religious zealot, I'm going to cut you some slack and let this one pass.
CONNOR: Whatever. I got other things on my mind. Dad, I can't believe you staked my mother. Holtz said a lot of bad things about you two. But he always said you loved each other.
XANDER: How did she come back? What is there, a rule – sleep with Angel, get a free resurrection?
LORNE: If there's a better pickup line, well I haven't heard it.
XANDER: Whoa. It just hit me. Cordy - you slept with something you knew as an infant. You boned a rugrat. And YOU were calling ME depraved? A few months ago Connor was a baby, and you were lying in bed with him, gently rocking him to sleep. Now he's a teenager, and you're lying in bed with him, gently rocking him to sleep.
WILLOW: Apparently mommy like.
CONNOR: And this Buffy creature. Is that who you left mother for?
ANGEL: She's got nothing to do with this.
XANDER: Sure she does. Darla tried to kill Buffy. That's why you staked her.
FRED: Was Buffy that 15 year-old you dated?
CONNOR: Your mistress was a child? Dad, that's disgusting.
XANDER: The kid's finally beginning to make some sense.
ANGEL She wasn't my mis- . . . Connor, whatever happened between me and Buffy Summers is in the past, and has nothing to do with you, or with our lives here in Los Angeles.
CONNOR: She's probably in that picture book Cordy has. [Connor disappears]
WILLOW: What picture book?
CORDY: I think he means the high school yearbook.
CONNOR: You make me sick. [Xander turns around. Connor's behind him. He's only been gone 5 seconds.]
XANDER: How did you do that? You're even stealthier than your old man.
CONNOR: She's looks like a third-rate knock-off version of mom.
ANGEL: How could you know what Darla looks like?
CONNOR: When I was little, I would see her in my dreams. If I was frightened, she'd appear, and then I wouldn't be scared. I always felt like she was a part of me. I came from her. She died so that I could live. Which is a lot more that you've ever done for me, father.
ANGEL: Connor, that's not fair. You know I'd give my life to protect you.
XANDER: He won't know that until you do it. Call me sentimental, but I say go ahead, do whatever it takes to win your son's love. [Willow scowls.] Come on Will, you know I'm just kidding, right?
CONNOR: So that's the cheap harlot you left mom for. Buffy's a stupid name for a person. But it sounds like a good name for a homewrecker.
WILLOW: Buffy the homewrecker?
XANDER: Things are getting surreal.
WILLOW: They were surreal long before you got here.
CONNOR: But I can't blame Buffy, even if she is a tramp. She was just a child. Daddy, you were the adult. You should have known better than to take advantage of a child like that.
XANDER: I'm almost starting to like this kid.