Ever since that day Yuki looked at with inferior distaste like I was some
sort of unspeakable mutant. Well how did he think I felt? I'm rejected,
shunned, and had it rubbed in my face! My plan had backfired and collapsed
on me. So I was found-out now. He knew I was sick and twisted. Of course, I
had intended him to find out, but I didn't really think about what his
reaction would be. I guess it would be foolish to believe anything other
than this could result of this. So now he knew, and I could no longer deny
it.
Did I actually think if I did what I did, it would have somehow miraculously changed his feelings for Tohru? Did I really believe he would just stop loving her? Was I making myself believe some foolish, erotic fantasy? Wishful thinking. This is reality, and reality often hurts. So, I guess in the end, it doesn't really matter whether he knows or not, because it wouldn't change a thing. He still loves Tohru, and I still love Yuki. I suppose, realistically, I am in many ways, exactly what Yuki calls me- a baka neko.
Now I was trapped. I'm backed into a corner, by my own blind feelings. And now we were even farther apart than before.
~~~~~~rice~~~~~~~
Yes, food. Don't look at Yuki. Keep your mind on food, not Yuki. No! Don't look at him! Completely ignore him!
I poked wildly at the rice in my bowl, trying to pick it up. Shigure was watching me curiously. I looked up at him darkly.
"You better quit that!" I yelled sharply. His expression froze and he turned away.
"Shut up, baka neko," Yuki said. "You're just agitated because things didn't go the way you wanted them to," he accused. I scowled.
I looked up at him and said nothing in response. I went back to my rice. Both Tohru and Shigure thought this very abnormal of me. Tohru looked a little worried; Yuki even looked a little surprised. I said absolutely nothing. What did I care what they thought? All my life, I've been rejected by some means, so why is this any different?
"Ah, so you're playing humble now, are you?" Yuki said. I gave him a plain look like, I don't care what you say to me. He was trying to get under my skin, trying to make me aggravated. He was trying to get me to make mistakes.
I, in turn, said nothing at all. Shigure and Tohru looked as if they had just witnessed a miracle.
"Uh, Kyo?" Tohru said. "Are you feeling okay?" I looked at her and nodded dully. I let my eyes slide slowly over Shigure and Tohru and land on Yuki. He looked more surprised than before, but was trying to hide it. I could tell he had no idea what I was planning; he for once, could not thoroughly understand my actions, or what I was thinking.
Good. He didn't have to know I was falling apart secretly. If I showed even the slightest sign of weakness, or let my guard down for even a second, it would fail.
I knew Yuki wanted me too, why else would he try and kiss me? So then, why does he fight it? Why doesn't he just accept the fact he's gay? Well, maybe he's still in love with Tohru, that's always a possibility. This would be a challenge.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The next day, when we thought the last traces of winter had disappeared, a heavy snowfall fell upon the city and we woke up one morning to find a sea of white covering the whole of outside. I sighed- I hated shovel duty with Yuki. Well, that wasn't really true, Yuki supposedly hated it, I didn't, I just pretended I did.
Before Yuki woke up, I rushed downstairs and poured a carton of milk down my throat with a piece of toast and after putting on a warm coat, went outside to begin navigating a path away from the house.
After around ten minutes, my ears perked and I jerked my head to the side to see Yuki standing by the door with a second shovel. I scowled. Yuki gave me an annoyed glance. And so began our little cruel snow game we always played. He set the shovel down and began a different path.
"Hey, the path is over here. Come over and help me," I said to Yuki, without that usual severity. Yuki gave me a dark look.
"Why don't you come over here and help me?" he said sarcastically. I wasn't feeling like a fight today, so I gave a pout and marched over to where Yuki was shoveling a path. I began to shovel as if nothing had happened.
"Kyo, why are you helping me?" Yuki said.
"Because, I want to get this done as soon as possible, so I can get away from you," I lied. He seemed satisfied with that answer and continued to shovel silently. I began to pick up pace. I really was enjoying this; just us here, all alone, working together. I loved this feeling of unity with Yuki.
But, after several minutes, I was interrupted in my sole project.
"Cat, stop shoveling," Yuki commanded. I stopped dead in my tracks and turned on my heel, causing me to slip and fall into a heap of snow. Yuki watched me condescendingly while I struggled to get out and offered no help of his own.
I managed to get out of the large pile of snow and brush myself off as if to restore my tact and dignity.
"You were going to collide with a tree," Yuki said. His words were sarcastic and cruel, but I could tell from his eyes he didn't mean it truthfully.
"Well excuse me for not showing the proper grace and agility I should when in the presence of YOU!" I shot back. I immediately stopped myself from continuing. I promised myself I was not going to start a fight that I didn't want, nor would I let Yuki make me aggravated enough to do so either. With my abrupt stop, it sounded strange. Yuki gave me a strange, questioning look. "Sorry," I muttered under my breath and then began to shovel again, away from the tree, eventually joining Yuki's path again as well.
I was unaware of most else around me as I continued in the path we were making together. Finally, I decided to bring up a rather touchy subject and prayed Yuki wouldn't simply brush it off and not tell me the answer, because I really needed to know.
"Hey, uh...when I saw you, that one time, with Tohru..." I began. I could sense Yuki's faint discomfort. "Do you...love Tohru?" I managed to say.
"I wish you hadn't of seen that," Yuki said calmly. "But I don't know, I guess. I suppose I do, but..." He stopped and seemed to have difficulty going further. Perhaps it was awkward for him telling this to me.
"Go on," I urged him.
"But...maybe there's somebody else. Tohru doesn't love me in that way, I know that for sure; so, I've almost dropped the hope that we could be together, though I suppose that hasn't entirely eliminated what I felt for her. But like I said, maybe I'm supposed to be with somebody else. Someone else who isn't Tohru." I wanted to encourage this feeling Yuki was having; I wanted him to realize that I was standing right in front of him, waiting, wanting to give him my affections. Somehow this seemed to be working out perfectly, and at the same time, not. I loved Yuki, Yuki obviously felt something for me -whatever that was- but yet, he still had feelings for Tohru too, maybe even more than me. Well, at least he didn't feel totally neutral to me, I mattered. "But what am I telling this to you for, Cat?" I could see he was remembering when I kissed him. "Why am I even being civil with you?" Yuki seemed to ask himself.
"Because, for once, Yuki..." I saw him stiffen at the mention of his name. "I'm doing things your way. I'm being civil with you for a change, accepting your views, instead of slapping them back in your face," I explained matter-of-factly, attempting to plow vainly through a giant pile of snow.
"Kyo, you could never succeed as a psychologist," Yuki laughed. I stopped suddenly trying to kill the snow. I was a bit surprised; there was no severity there, no cruelness, there was only a friendly kindness that seemed too foreign to me coming from Yuki. In truth, I wasn't sure how to react. I turned to him, a goofy, confused look on my face. Yuki tried to stifle a laugh, but he couldn't, so he threw a snowball at me. It hit my chest.
"What was that for?!" I demanded in a comical tone. Yuki set off at a run in the other direction, a smile on his face. He looked back at me while running, to see if I was running after him. I gave a small smile and picked up at run towards Yuki. As I was running I tried to gather as many snowballs as I could to throw at him, most of which missed.
Finally, exhausted, Yuki stopped and threw another snowball. I tried to block it in time, but missed, and it hit my side. But somehow, I didn't care. For the first time, I was truly enjoying myself with Yuki, and I knew he was too. Every time he smiled I could feel my heart swell.
I bent down and gathered another ball of snow as well. Yuki was too tired to run away from it, so he gave a simple block and was hit anyway. I pushed him down into the snow, I following.
We each lay, panting in the snow, staring at each other. Every muscle in my body ached to just touch him. Snow was mixed in his hair and on his upper lip. I brushed a piece of snow from his mouth and gently leaned forward. I pulled my hand through his hair and kept it there. I closed my eyes as our lips met.
Yuki didn't resist and surrendered to my kiss. I filled with pleasure and felt the strands of his hair in my fingers. When I had no more breath in me I pulled away. Yuki looked as if he had just been slapped.
"Uh...Kyo?" he squeaked. He cleared his throat. "Kyo. What was that?" Sensing that this was too much for Yuki to absorb at the moment, I let my face remain plain. I stood and offered him my hand. He shook his head at my hand and stood on his own. I sighed and walked towards the house again, leaving Yuki in a large yard of zigzagging trails. As I walked away, I heard Yuki asked softly, "What happened, Kyo?" I pretended like I didn't hear and continued walking.
As I entered the house, feelings of confusion and doubt began to fill my mind. Maybe I shouldn't have done that just yet. Yuki's feelings were still tender from Tohru and maybe he just isn't ready yet. Such a drastic transition is too early for him. But I had had such fun, I had gotten lost and I wasn't thinking; I guess maybe I thought it would be okay if I kissed him. I hope he's all right.
I walked over to a cabinet and took out a small bottle. I opened it and popped an aspirin in my mouth, before pouring a glass of water and drinking down the pill.
~~~~~~~
I had a lot of fun writing that chapter, maybe a little too much fun. ^__^
Did I actually think if I did what I did, it would have somehow miraculously changed his feelings for Tohru? Did I really believe he would just stop loving her? Was I making myself believe some foolish, erotic fantasy? Wishful thinking. This is reality, and reality often hurts. So, I guess in the end, it doesn't really matter whether he knows or not, because it wouldn't change a thing. He still loves Tohru, and I still love Yuki. I suppose, realistically, I am in many ways, exactly what Yuki calls me- a baka neko.
Now I was trapped. I'm backed into a corner, by my own blind feelings. And now we were even farther apart than before.
~~~~~~rice~~~~~~~
Yes, food. Don't look at Yuki. Keep your mind on food, not Yuki. No! Don't look at him! Completely ignore him!
I poked wildly at the rice in my bowl, trying to pick it up. Shigure was watching me curiously. I looked up at him darkly.
"You better quit that!" I yelled sharply. His expression froze and he turned away.
"Shut up, baka neko," Yuki said. "You're just agitated because things didn't go the way you wanted them to," he accused. I scowled.
I looked up at him and said nothing in response. I went back to my rice. Both Tohru and Shigure thought this very abnormal of me. Tohru looked a little worried; Yuki even looked a little surprised. I said absolutely nothing. What did I care what they thought? All my life, I've been rejected by some means, so why is this any different?
"Ah, so you're playing humble now, are you?" Yuki said. I gave him a plain look like, I don't care what you say to me. He was trying to get under my skin, trying to make me aggravated. He was trying to get me to make mistakes.
I, in turn, said nothing at all. Shigure and Tohru looked as if they had just witnessed a miracle.
"Uh, Kyo?" Tohru said. "Are you feeling okay?" I looked at her and nodded dully. I let my eyes slide slowly over Shigure and Tohru and land on Yuki. He looked more surprised than before, but was trying to hide it. I could tell he had no idea what I was planning; he for once, could not thoroughly understand my actions, or what I was thinking.
Good. He didn't have to know I was falling apart secretly. If I showed even the slightest sign of weakness, or let my guard down for even a second, it would fail.
I knew Yuki wanted me too, why else would he try and kiss me? So then, why does he fight it? Why doesn't he just accept the fact he's gay? Well, maybe he's still in love with Tohru, that's always a possibility. This would be a challenge.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The next day, when we thought the last traces of winter had disappeared, a heavy snowfall fell upon the city and we woke up one morning to find a sea of white covering the whole of outside. I sighed- I hated shovel duty with Yuki. Well, that wasn't really true, Yuki supposedly hated it, I didn't, I just pretended I did.
Before Yuki woke up, I rushed downstairs and poured a carton of milk down my throat with a piece of toast and after putting on a warm coat, went outside to begin navigating a path away from the house.
After around ten minutes, my ears perked and I jerked my head to the side to see Yuki standing by the door with a second shovel. I scowled. Yuki gave me an annoyed glance. And so began our little cruel snow game we always played. He set the shovel down and began a different path.
"Hey, the path is over here. Come over and help me," I said to Yuki, without that usual severity. Yuki gave me a dark look.
"Why don't you come over here and help me?" he said sarcastically. I wasn't feeling like a fight today, so I gave a pout and marched over to where Yuki was shoveling a path. I began to shovel as if nothing had happened.
"Kyo, why are you helping me?" Yuki said.
"Because, I want to get this done as soon as possible, so I can get away from you," I lied. He seemed satisfied with that answer and continued to shovel silently. I began to pick up pace. I really was enjoying this; just us here, all alone, working together. I loved this feeling of unity with Yuki.
But, after several minutes, I was interrupted in my sole project.
"Cat, stop shoveling," Yuki commanded. I stopped dead in my tracks and turned on my heel, causing me to slip and fall into a heap of snow. Yuki watched me condescendingly while I struggled to get out and offered no help of his own.
I managed to get out of the large pile of snow and brush myself off as if to restore my tact and dignity.
"You were going to collide with a tree," Yuki said. His words were sarcastic and cruel, but I could tell from his eyes he didn't mean it truthfully.
"Well excuse me for not showing the proper grace and agility I should when in the presence of YOU!" I shot back. I immediately stopped myself from continuing. I promised myself I was not going to start a fight that I didn't want, nor would I let Yuki make me aggravated enough to do so either. With my abrupt stop, it sounded strange. Yuki gave me a strange, questioning look. "Sorry," I muttered under my breath and then began to shovel again, away from the tree, eventually joining Yuki's path again as well.
I was unaware of most else around me as I continued in the path we were making together. Finally, I decided to bring up a rather touchy subject and prayed Yuki wouldn't simply brush it off and not tell me the answer, because I really needed to know.
"Hey, uh...when I saw you, that one time, with Tohru..." I began. I could sense Yuki's faint discomfort. "Do you...love Tohru?" I managed to say.
"I wish you hadn't of seen that," Yuki said calmly. "But I don't know, I guess. I suppose I do, but..." He stopped and seemed to have difficulty going further. Perhaps it was awkward for him telling this to me.
"Go on," I urged him.
"But...maybe there's somebody else. Tohru doesn't love me in that way, I know that for sure; so, I've almost dropped the hope that we could be together, though I suppose that hasn't entirely eliminated what I felt for her. But like I said, maybe I'm supposed to be with somebody else. Someone else who isn't Tohru." I wanted to encourage this feeling Yuki was having; I wanted him to realize that I was standing right in front of him, waiting, wanting to give him my affections. Somehow this seemed to be working out perfectly, and at the same time, not. I loved Yuki, Yuki obviously felt something for me -whatever that was- but yet, he still had feelings for Tohru too, maybe even more than me. Well, at least he didn't feel totally neutral to me, I mattered. "But what am I telling this to you for, Cat?" I could see he was remembering when I kissed him. "Why am I even being civil with you?" Yuki seemed to ask himself.
"Because, for once, Yuki..." I saw him stiffen at the mention of his name. "I'm doing things your way. I'm being civil with you for a change, accepting your views, instead of slapping them back in your face," I explained matter-of-factly, attempting to plow vainly through a giant pile of snow.
"Kyo, you could never succeed as a psychologist," Yuki laughed. I stopped suddenly trying to kill the snow. I was a bit surprised; there was no severity there, no cruelness, there was only a friendly kindness that seemed too foreign to me coming from Yuki. In truth, I wasn't sure how to react. I turned to him, a goofy, confused look on my face. Yuki tried to stifle a laugh, but he couldn't, so he threw a snowball at me. It hit my chest.
"What was that for?!" I demanded in a comical tone. Yuki set off at a run in the other direction, a smile on his face. He looked back at me while running, to see if I was running after him. I gave a small smile and picked up at run towards Yuki. As I was running I tried to gather as many snowballs as I could to throw at him, most of which missed.
Finally, exhausted, Yuki stopped and threw another snowball. I tried to block it in time, but missed, and it hit my side. But somehow, I didn't care. For the first time, I was truly enjoying myself with Yuki, and I knew he was too. Every time he smiled I could feel my heart swell.
I bent down and gathered another ball of snow as well. Yuki was too tired to run away from it, so he gave a simple block and was hit anyway. I pushed him down into the snow, I following.
We each lay, panting in the snow, staring at each other. Every muscle in my body ached to just touch him. Snow was mixed in his hair and on his upper lip. I brushed a piece of snow from his mouth and gently leaned forward. I pulled my hand through his hair and kept it there. I closed my eyes as our lips met.
Yuki didn't resist and surrendered to my kiss. I filled with pleasure and felt the strands of his hair in my fingers. When I had no more breath in me I pulled away. Yuki looked as if he had just been slapped.
"Uh...Kyo?" he squeaked. He cleared his throat. "Kyo. What was that?" Sensing that this was too much for Yuki to absorb at the moment, I let my face remain plain. I stood and offered him my hand. He shook his head at my hand and stood on his own. I sighed and walked towards the house again, leaving Yuki in a large yard of zigzagging trails. As I walked away, I heard Yuki asked softly, "What happened, Kyo?" I pretended like I didn't hear and continued walking.
As I entered the house, feelings of confusion and doubt began to fill my mind. Maybe I shouldn't have done that just yet. Yuki's feelings were still tender from Tohru and maybe he just isn't ready yet. Such a drastic transition is too early for him. But I had had such fun, I had gotten lost and I wasn't thinking; I guess maybe I thought it would be okay if I kissed him. I hope he's all right.
I walked over to a cabinet and took out a small bottle. I opened it and popped an aspirin in my mouth, before pouring a glass of water and drinking down the pill.
~~~~~~~
I had a lot of fun writing that chapter, maybe a little too much fun. ^__^