WILLOW: It's getting late. I think we should be heading back.
GUNN: Things get pretty dangerous around here after dark. Better get back to your safe little suburb while the coast is clear.
XANDER: Safe little suburb? He heh heh. It's called a Hellmouth for a reason.
FRED: You mean because it contains lots of portals to hell dimensions? No, I'm sorry, that's Los Angeles.
LORNE: You folks have demons who make you sing. We have demons who make it rain fire. Which would you choose? Sorry, but we're all a little cranky from fighting an apocalypse with a body count that would depopulate your quaint seaside community. I don't mean to be so rude, but I think the slug that recently burrowed through my cerebral cortex damaged the part of my brain that controls tact.
WILLOW: [to Xander] Anya must have been born without that part. It was really nice hanging out with you, Fred. You should visit some time. Try the summer. Summers are always strangely uneventful.
LORNE: Vampires must like to summer on the East coast.
WILLOW: Angel, Cordy, Wesley, it was, um, interesting catching up with you guys. I'll tell Buffy you said hi. And probably not much more than that.
FRED: Try not to kill each other.
WILLOW: Right back at you.
FRED: Willow, are there any good men in your town? Cause that Spike guy just sounds like a disaster waitin' ta happen. And Xander, you seem like a nice guy, but obviously you have sick, twisted problems, maybe a disorder of some sort.
LORNE: He only wants what he can't have. That's his problem. That's why all his relationships end like the Hindenburg. Sorry, but when you telepathed I read some stuff.
WILLOW: Did you read my mind?
LORNE: Yes, but your personality is too complex to be boiled down to a cliche. Xander, on the other hand, is a simple sort of man. Which is good, cause simple people are the least likely to cause trouble.
FRED: What about that guy you said you dated in high school?
WILLOW: Oz? He was a good guy. Until he cheated on me with another werewolf and left me.
GUNN: You dated a werewolf? Aren't there any regular, non-mutant, non-demon people in your town?
XANDER: Yes. But they choose not to hang around us.
CORDY: That's what happens when you're a total loser in Sunnydale.
CONNOR: But you were friends with them. Does that mean you were a loser? I thought you were really popular.
CORDY: I was. I chose to spend time with them purely for reasons of self-preservation. The other popular kids were getting picked off left and right. I chose to become a social pariah rather than a vampire. And as the years go by, I regret that choice less and less frequently.
FRED: So it's settled. I can't find any good men.
GUNN: Okay, I've had enough of this. I'm sick of hearing you say how you had no idea I was capable of murder. Bull! You didn't think I would stain my soul by doin' somethin' hideous like that? I'm the guy who sold his soul for a truck.
XANDER: You did what!? Why would anyone sell their soul for a truck?
GUNN: I needed wheels to kill more vamps, protect my hood. Figured losing my soul was worth saving a few dozen lives. We had to fend for ourselves. Weren't no superheroes to hide behind where I come from.
XANDER: That's admirable. In a perverse way. Though I would have held out for a better bargain. You sell your soul, you should at least get some superpowers.
WILLOW: And I trust like all literal Faustian bargains there was a remarkably easy way to wriggle out of this one?
ANGEL: We killed the demon he owed his soul to.
WILLOW: Demons can be so stupid. Sometimes I wonder why they even bother. Glad you kept your soul. I would hate to see ANY of you lose you soul. [glares at Angel] Especially if you lost it doing something you knew you were not supposed to do. Because if I have to do an encore performance, I'm going to be very mad. And you DON'T want to see that. [Willow, Xander exit the Hyperion, get into Xander's car.]
CORDY: Thanks for the warning, Wicked Witch of the West Coast. Is it just me, or has Willow become WAY too full of herself?
XANDER: I learned something today. Our lives aren't THAT screwed up. I mean, if you put things in context.
WILLOW: I know now that there is a HUGE difference between trying to do horrible, irrevocable things to the people you love and actually following through with them. There's so much less to apologize for.
XANDER: Cordy doing Angel's son. That's just like, that would be like -
WILLOW: You sleeping with Dawn?
XANDER: Oh God. That's just sicker than sick.
WILLOW: Like I said – mommy like.
XANDER: Wait - that's a reference to - Are you implying something about me, little miss "Right there with you?"
WILLOW: My point was that we respect the barrier between thought and expression.
XANDER: Anya doesn't.
WILLOW: Expression meaning actions, not expression meaning words. Except when she was a Vengeance Demon. But even then she got to take back the really bad stuff.
XANDER: [traffic stops] What's the holdup? Was there was an accident? You see any wrecks?
WILLOW: Uh-huh. But I wouldn't call them accidents.
XANDER: What the hell is that!!?
[Xander turns the car around, speeds back to the Hyperion, slams on the breaks, and runs inside with Willow.]
XANDER: There's a big red demon blocking the on-ramp to the 101 about a mile from here!
GUNN: Sounds like our Beast.
ANGEL: He's finally come to my neighborhood.
WILLOW: So that's your Big Bad. He's both Big - and Bad. I'll give ya that.
[Xander pulls out his cell phone. Dials Buffy's house.]
XANDER: Hi. Is this Rona? Please put Giles on. Right now.
GILES: Hello.
XANDER: Giles we have a problem.
GILES: We're in the middle of something. Can't this wait until you get home?
XANDER: That's the problem. We can't.
GILES: Does this involve a botched spell or an errant wish?
XANDER: It involves a demon blocking the way out of town. They call it the Beast.
GILES: Yes, I believe Willow mentioned that name. I researched it and found nothing, probably on account of the non-specific nomenclature. Is it formidable?
XANDER: It was juggling three cars in the air.
GILES: My word. Can you describe this creature?
XANDER: You ever see that movie Legend?
GILES: Yes, unfortunately. It's like the red guy?
XANDER: It's larger, but with much smaller horns and tougher skin. And it's a whole lot less cheesy-looking.
GILES: You sound quite shaken.
XANDER: This thing makes Glory seem about as dangerous as Harmony.
GILES: It can't possibly be that bad. Just keep your wits and find another way out of town. Can you put Willow on for a moment? [he expects Willow to be more composed and less hyperbolic.] Willow, I hear you've run into a slight snag?
WILLOW: Giles, this isn't the time to be understated and British.
GILES: You're sounding as shellshocked as Xander.
WILLOW: We got trouble. With a capital T.
LORNE: With a capital T that rhymes with B and that stands for Beast. Yep, we got trouble here in River City.
CONNOR: It's coming towards us. I can hear it.
CORDY: We all can. Even those of us without super-hearing.
GILES: Willow, I don't know what to tell you, except what I already told Xander. Relax, and find another way home, I'll consult my books. Xander gave me a reasonably-detailed description, which provides a starting point. I just can't figure out why Los Angeles, why now?It sounds so primal, almost devilish in appearance. It can't be mere coincidence.
WILLOW: You think it's connected to the First?
GILES: That would seem to be the logical conclusion. It's almost like it sought you two out. Of course! I should have thought of this earlier.
WILLOW: Thought of what?
GiLES: It's a diversion. If you're trapped in Los Angeles, in grave peril, then Buffy would naturally come and rescue you – saving your lives, but leaving the Hellmouth undefended. But you're strong and smart and I'm sure you will find a way to rescue Xander without Buffy's help. I have faith in you, Willow. Just make sure Xander doesn't do anything foolish. [Willow hangs up]
CONNOR: I'm going out there.
CORDY: Connor you can't fight this thing on your own. Again. For the third time.
CONNOR: I have to. It's my fault he's here.
XANDER: I thought you said this wasn't a Dawn thing?
WILLOW: It's not. Granted, there are certain Dawnian elements, but the differences far outweigh the similarities.
XANDER: You're right. They're annoying and bothersome in entirely different ways. Hold on. Does this mean if you kill Connor that also kills the Beast?
LORNE: You shouldn't tempt a fella like that.
CONNOR: I'm not going to fight it. I'm going to lead it away from here. It follows me.
ANGEL: Lead it where?
CONNOR: There's that lake of sticky black stuff to the East of here.
GUNN: The La Brea Tar Pits?
CONNOR: I thought that might slow it down for a little while.
WES: I'll say this: it's better than any idea we have.
CORDY: We don't have any ideas.
WES: Precisely.
CONNOR: Mostly it'll get it away from all these people.
ANGEL: That's a noble intention. But you sure you're up to this?
CONNOR: I've been luring demons into traps since before I was strong enough to kill them myself. It was my favorite game as a kid. You be Holtz. Keep the Beast distracted so he doesn't see the trap ahead of time. [Angel's very hurt by the "you be Holtz" line.]
[There's a very loud thud at the door.]
XANDER: What was that!?
WES: Locusts.
FRED: Is it Thursday already?
WILLOW: You have a locust plague every Thursday?
GUNN: And every other Monday. Welcome to the Big City. [he grabs his flame-thrower] Got the bug repellant. I'll cover you when you're ready to make a run for it.
XANDER: After you. [he's still a little rattled by everything]
[Gunn goes into the courtyard, with Xander and Willow close behind. A few shots of flame clear out the locusts. They go to the sidewalk, where Gunn burns clear the path to Xander's car]
XANDER: Neat weapon. Have you tried using it against the Beast?
GUNN: He likes it. Says it makes him feel all warm and toasty inside.
WILLOW: Well then. I guess this is goodbye. Nice meeting you.
XANDER: Thanks for the flaming escort. [they both quickly get in. Xander starts the engine. The locust cloud around their vehicle slowing dissipates.]
WES: The horde appears to be scattering.
GUNN: Bugs are the least of our worries.
ANGEL: Gunn's right. The locusts are a screen the Beast is using to cover his advance. When they're gone, he'll be at our door. We gotta move fast.
CONNOR: Ready when you are.
ANGEL: Where's your weapon?
CONNOR: They'll just slow me down. Not like they do any good against this demon. [Connor races out. Angel closely follows. Gunn, Fred, Wes and Cordy follow at a distance.]
XANDER: Here come the Angels.
WILLOW: Look at all of them backing him up. It's so adorable. They're trying to be Scoobies. Following in our footsteps. Except they're older. But less experienced.
[Connor runs half-a-block down the street and then climbs up the facade of a six-story building. He stands on the ledge. The Beast looks up at him.]
BEAST: Connor.
CONNOR: Who did you think it was?
XANDER: Holy Spiderman! Did you see that?
WILLOW: How did he do that? I know he has vampire strength, but I've never seen a vamp do that.
XANDER: As if that kid wasn't scary enough already.
[Connor runs east, leaping from rooftop to rooftop while the Beast follows on the ground. He knows Connor can't leap the wide avenue at the end of the block. So does Connor. He falls to the sidewalk. The Beast closes in to pound him. But Angel comes from behind and smacks the demon in the side of its left knee with a sledgehammer. The leg buckles, the Beast is momentarily off-balance, and Angel capitalizes by clocking him in the chin. Connor makes his escape.]
BEAST: Angelus. We've done this before. Why fight when you know you can't win?
ANGEL: I don't know. Why don't you tell me?
BEAST: You're a slow learner. [Grabs Angel and hurls him through a storefront window. While he's down, Angel tosses the hammer. It flips end-over-end and nails the Beast right between the eyes. Angel pulls out his broadsword and makes a dash for it, heading east along with Connor. The Beast pursues, not passing up a chance to thrash them both at once.]
[Xander floors it, the tires spin, and the car zooms towards the freeway. Once they're southbound on the highway, they breathe a big sigh of relief.]
XANDER: I never thought I'd miss Sunnydale.
WILLOW: I know what you mean. Dorothy was right. There really is no place like home.