Just thinking about the emotions that aroused in me when he kissed me made
my lips tingle. I knew Yuki wanted me, but I wouldn't let myself get any
more attached, until I knew I didn't have to hold back. When I knew Tohru
wasn't in a part of Yuki's heart anymore, then he would see just how much I
was in love with him.
But as these wondrous thoughts of a time in the future far from now, I came upon the realization that maybe I was just being foolish and unrealistic. Yuki had never actually told me straight that he wanted me, and needed me, he had expressed it only through gestures and kissing. He had also failed to tell me that I was the only one when he had the chance. So, maybe, in reality, maybe what I had said was true after all? Could Yuki have only been using me and taking my affections because he needed to soothe his own wounds, and wasn't really serious about me? And it struck me; could it be I was only being played with and used? Suddenly Yuki seemed very different to me, and I saw him now in a very different light than before; he was different now, almost of a malice or animosity. And I believed it all willingly, letting my guard down, letting him fool me, because I had a weakness for him, because I loved him. Now that I thought about it, I was being too unrealistic; I was making myself believe a lie. Maybe Yuki really didn't love me.
~It's the miso soup, I tell you!~
This sudden realization had brought about a change in me; I was more distant from Yuki than ever before, and I didn't show him any signs of affection at all. I became entirely detached. Yuki undoubtedly noticed, and it seemed to bother him, but I was too wrapped up in my self pity and insanity to realize any of this. I told myself I needed to get a life, that he wasn't worth spending my love on. But I could never tell myself that truthfully, because I had been in love with him for far too long to know any other love for someone; in the secret, private sanctuary of my mind, Yuki was the only one.
^^^^^^^^^^
"Kyo, do you want to play checkers again?" Yuki suggested casually to me. I turned on my indifferent, sarcastic fasade.
"No, I don't feel like it," I replied. I saw disappointment in his eyes. But as his eyes lowered slowly to the floor, I felt guilt ripple through me and I realized I was unable to tell him no. "Uh, yeah. Never mind, it's okay. Let's play," I said suddenly. His features seemed to shine as our eyes met and I tried to look away.
During the game, my competitive spirit was wiped, and I wasn't paying much attention to Yuki's moves, or my own. In the current insanity and obliviousness of my mind, I began to think of that book I found of Master's. Greek and African Philosophy; the two were so different, yet every culture has a different story for the same lesson. And then I began comparing it to Yuki and I; Yuki was like the Greek philosophy, and I the African, so different, yet alike.
"Neko, it's your turn to move," Yuki reminded, sending me back to the present. Our eyes met and I found I could not turn them away. In an instant, Yuki bolted from his chair and flew at me, and started to kiss me passionately. I did nothing for a moment, but soon pushed him away. He stared back at me dumbfounded, his hair a bit messy. I looked back at him blankly.
"I told you; I will give you nothing until I know it's only me that you want and need," I said tonelessly. Yuki sighed and looked away for a moment.
"Baka neko... Seriously Kyo, I'm not trying to play you like some toy, or use you. But you insist that I am, because you're too insecure that I'll just throw you away one day. You try and tell yourself nothing's changed because it never did before, and that's what you're used to." Yuki looked at me again. "Don't hide from it, Kyo. I'm not in love with Tohru anymore; I need you more than you know," he said. I wanted to believe what he was saying so bad, but how could I be sure?
"How do I know you're telling the truth?" I challenged him.
"I don't tell lies about things like this," Yuki replied simply. "But if you must have something, then this." Our lips met again. Yuki's tongue poked for entry to my mouth, but I refused.
"No tongue," I said to him sternly, pulling away. He gave me a mischevious look.
"But anything else goes, right?" he said. I almost was hesitant to answer; his voice was adventurous and I was very surprised at how he was being. He was acting out exactly every fantasy I had ever wanted to do with him; it all seemed too unrealistic and I wondered if I had just subconsciously made it up in my mind. He didn't wait for my answer and pressed his mouth to my lips again. We tumbled to the floor, neither one releasing our kiss on the other. I moaned in pleasure as I pulled him closer, running my hands through his hair.
"We...better stop...before someone...sees us..." Yuki said.
"Shut up," I told him and pushed him over. I climbed on top of him and plunged my tongue into his mouth.
"Mmm...Kyo..." Yuki murmured in pleasure. I grabbed his shirt and tried to unbutton it. Yuki grabbed my hand and tried to stop me. "No, Kyo," he pleaded under me. I stopped abruptly, sighed, and released his shirt. I got off of him and stood up hastily and felt pouty. Yuki sat up and looked down at the rug. He looked up and our eyes met for a moment. I saw something in his eyes I didn't understand; an indecipherable look in his eyes, not fear, hesitation, or affection, different. But the look in his eyes told me I should leave and get away from Yuki for a while. I turned slowly, forcing myself to tear our gaze. I loudly ran up the stairs to my room. I knew if I looked back at Yuki I may break into tears, because I sensed something different.
In my quiet room, I stood in the doorway staring at it. The window was open and curtains were blowing (curtains Tohru put up). For a moment it didn't even seem like my room. I finally stepped in and closed the fusuma behind me. The book of philosophy caught my eye and I could no longer hold it in. I slumped wearily to the floor as a breeze swept over me and I felt a single tear run down my cheek.
Suddenly a thought struck me. Tohru. Yuki had "assured" me that I was the only one he loved. Yeah, right. That look in his eyes told me exactly the truth; it wasn't that I was moving too quickly for him, it was because of Tohru. There was no more assuming anymore that he still loved her, I knew it for a fact. That look was telling me exactly the truth and pleading for forgiveness. Well, I decided, I can't forgive someone who hurt me that deeply. The wound is already there, it can't be undone. If he needs so desperately some one-night stand, he can go to Tohru, because I won't be involved with it anymore, I won't continue to hurt myself like this. Sorry, Yuki. I'm really sorry. Though, despite all this, I still love you, even though you used me.
~~~~~~~~~~
So, what will happen? I'm making Yuki look like a villain here, I must be. I'll just go on as I did before this whole thing happened. Yuki loves Tohru, and I love Yuki. I'm okay with now. Perfectly content.
If I told myself that, I'd be lying. I was very unhappy with this, and I couldn't truthfully tell myself I would be able to move on that easily. So, Yuki, what will you do now that things are back to the way they were?
~~~~~~~~~~
What will happen? Well, come to think of it, I don't know myself; I'll have to think about that. ^__^
But as these wondrous thoughts of a time in the future far from now, I came upon the realization that maybe I was just being foolish and unrealistic. Yuki had never actually told me straight that he wanted me, and needed me, he had expressed it only through gestures and kissing. He had also failed to tell me that I was the only one when he had the chance. So, maybe, in reality, maybe what I had said was true after all? Could Yuki have only been using me and taking my affections because he needed to soothe his own wounds, and wasn't really serious about me? And it struck me; could it be I was only being played with and used? Suddenly Yuki seemed very different to me, and I saw him now in a very different light than before; he was different now, almost of a malice or animosity. And I believed it all willingly, letting my guard down, letting him fool me, because I had a weakness for him, because I loved him. Now that I thought about it, I was being too unrealistic; I was making myself believe a lie. Maybe Yuki really didn't love me.
~It's the miso soup, I tell you!~
This sudden realization had brought about a change in me; I was more distant from Yuki than ever before, and I didn't show him any signs of affection at all. I became entirely detached. Yuki undoubtedly noticed, and it seemed to bother him, but I was too wrapped up in my self pity and insanity to realize any of this. I told myself I needed to get a life, that he wasn't worth spending my love on. But I could never tell myself that truthfully, because I had been in love with him for far too long to know any other love for someone; in the secret, private sanctuary of my mind, Yuki was the only one.
^^^^^^^^^^
"Kyo, do you want to play checkers again?" Yuki suggested casually to me. I turned on my indifferent, sarcastic fasade.
"No, I don't feel like it," I replied. I saw disappointment in his eyes. But as his eyes lowered slowly to the floor, I felt guilt ripple through me and I realized I was unable to tell him no. "Uh, yeah. Never mind, it's okay. Let's play," I said suddenly. His features seemed to shine as our eyes met and I tried to look away.
During the game, my competitive spirit was wiped, and I wasn't paying much attention to Yuki's moves, or my own. In the current insanity and obliviousness of my mind, I began to think of that book I found of Master's. Greek and African Philosophy; the two were so different, yet every culture has a different story for the same lesson. And then I began comparing it to Yuki and I; Yuki was like the Greek philosophy, and I the African, so different, yet alike.
"Neko, it's your turn to move," Yuki reminded, sending me back to the present. Our eyes met and I found I could not turn them away. In an instant, Yuki bolted from his chair and flew at me, and started to kiss me passionately. I did nothing for a moment, but soon pushed him away. He stared back at me dumbfounded, his hair a bit messy. I looked back at him blankly.
"I told you; I will give you nothing until I know it's only me that you want and need," I said tonelessly. Yuki sighed and looked away for a moment.
"Baka neko... Seriously Kyo, I'm not trying to play you like some toy, or use you. But you insist that I am, because you're too insecure that I'll just throw you away one day. You try and tell yourself nothing's changed because it never did before, and that's what you're used to." Yuki looked at me again. "Don't hide from it, Kyo. I'm not in love with Tohru anymore; I need you more than you know," he said. I wanted to believe what he was saying so bad, but how could I be sure?
"How do I know you're telling the truth?" I challenged him.
"I don't tell lies about things like this," Yuki replied simply. "But if you must have something, then this." Our lips met again. Yuki's tongue poked for entry to my mouth, but I refused.
"No tongue," I said to him sternly, pulling away. He gave me a mischevious look.
"But anything else goes, right?" he said. I almost was hesitant to answer; his voice was adventurous and I was very surprised at how he was being. He was acting out exactly every fantasy I had ever wanted to do with him; it all seemed too unrealistic and I wondered if I had just subconsciously made it up in my mind. He didn't wait for my answer and pressed his mouth to my lips again. We tumbled to the floor, neither one releasing our kiss on the other. I moaned in pleasure as I pulled him closer, running my hands through his hair.
"We...better stop...before someone...sees us..." Yuki said.
"Shut up," I told him and pushed him over. I climbed on top of him and plunged my tongue into his mouth.
"Mmm...Kyo..." Yuki murmured in pleasure. I grabbed his shirt and tried to unbutton it. Yuki grabbed my hand and tried to stop me. "No, Kyo," he pleaded under me. I stopped abruptly, sighed, and released his shirt. I got off of him and stood up hastily and felt pouty. Yuki sat up and looked down at the rug. He looked up and our eyes met for a moment. I saw something in his eyes I didn't understand; an indecipherable look in his eyes, not fear, hesitation, or affection, different. But the look in his eyes told me I should leave and get away from Yuki for a while. I turned slowly, forcing myself to tear our gaze. I loudly ran up the stairs to my room. I knew if I looked back at Yuki I may break into tears, because I sensed something different.
In my quiet room, I stood in the doorway staring at it. The window was open and curtains were blowing (curtains Tohru put up). For a moment it didn't even seem like my room. I finally stepped in and closed the fusuma behind me. The book of philosophy caught my eye and I could no longer hold it in. I slumped wearily to the floor as a breeze swept over me and I felt a single tear run down my cheek.
Suddenly a thought struck me. Tohru. Yuki had "assured" me that I was the only one he loved. Yeah, right. That look in his eyes told me exactly the truth; it wasn't that I was moving too quickly for him, it was because of Tohru. There was no more assuming anymore that he still loved her, I knew it for a fact. That look was telling me exactly the truth and pleading for forgiveness. Well, I decided, I can't forgive someone who hurt me that deeply. The wound is already there, it can't be undone. If he needs so desperately some one-night stand, he can go to Tohru, because I won't be involved with it anymore, I won't continue to hurt myself like this. Sorry, Yuki. I'm really sorry. Though, despite all this, I still love you, even though you used me.
~~~~~~~~~~
So, what will happen? I'm making Yuki look like a villain here, I must be. I'll just go on as I did before this whole thing happened. Yuki loves Tohru, and I love Yuki. I'm okay with now. Perfectly content.
If I told myself that, I'd be lying. I was very unhappy with this, and I couldn't truthfully tell myself I would be able to move on that easily. So, Yuki, what will you do now that things are back to the way they were?
~~~~~~~~~~
What will happen? Well, come to think of it, I don't know myself; I'll have to think about that. ^__^