A/N: If you want to get the full impact with the scene with Zack, cue up
"My Immortal" by Evanescence and listen to that while reading. I had it on
replay while writing it. And before some record company tries to sue, it
was the CD I had on replay, purchased from Target for $14.95. I think I
even have the receipt somewhere.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Justin
For the record, hospital life unequivocally sucks. As the days passed, I discovered that a lot I had read when I was a teenager was an out and out lie. Nurses are not all leggy blondes that moonlight as models. And the ones that offer the sponge baths are nothing that you would want to write a letter to Penthouse about. Doctors are not dashing men that seduce said leggy blonde nurse and then cure the patient by the end of the day. And then there was thing they made me go to called physical therapy. PT can best be described as being put under the supervision of a Nazi war criminal that was in a bad mood.
So that was how my days and then weeks passed. I spent about five weeks in the hospital, slowly healing. The breaks were the worst. My arm was healing pretty well, but my leg had been broken in several places and was pinned together and the broken bones had cut tendons and muscles. The doctors were estimating about three months for that puppy to be mostly healed. And of course, there was more PT after that. The little sadist in sweats had smiled when he heard that news and said we would be able to step up the intensity then.
I had to have surgery again to handle some of the scaring and such. This is when having a lot of money helps out. Plus, if you have to have plastic surgery, LA is the place to be. Even though a lot of the doctors for the beautiful people packed up and moved to Europe after the Pulse, they will still come flying in, no questions asked, to work on someone in LA. Annoying for me ideologically, but I had to admit, the results were worth it. I had a small thin scar on the bridge of my nose that was hard to see with my skin tone, another small one on my cheek and a few assorted on the arms and legs where the pins had gone in. All and all, I had to say I was extremely lucky.
Lucky on other counts too. Nikki and (I almost had a heart attack when I saw him) Dink came up to see me about three days after I was coherent. Both of them looked really uncomfortable being there. I guess they were thinking how close we all were in our work and this could happen to them. Not likely. Neither of them would be investigating a threat to their transgenic fiancée. Well, not likely it would ever happen. Lately, I had left off saying never.
Nikki had closed the door and asked me if we were on camera or off the record. That was interesting. I told her the place was clean as far as I knew. She cleared her throat and looked more nervous than I had ever seen before. "Justin," she said, "I think we can all be honest with each other in that we all skate the law in what we do." Dink was nodding. "What I'm saying is that we know it's technically illegal, but the ends justify the means, right?"
"I grant you my things are for personal gain," Dink spoke up, "but I wouldn't help out people I think are going to use what I give for evil purposes. Even I have some limits." Coming from a hacker like him, that was saying a lot.
"We all hang on the edge, I know that Nik," I replied hesitantly. This was starting to sound like an intervention.
"But we still have to maintain a journalistic integrity," she said. "And that means keeping a distance. I know you. You know what you're getting into. And whatever this story is, it was worth you dying for to get the scoop."
I sighed. "I took Journalism and Ethics my junior year," I replied flatly. "Made an A in it too. You have to stay a step away from the story to maintain objectivity, I know that."
"You hit the edge," Dink said. "How far did you go?"
I wished I could explain. They would understand about Jhondie. Both of them knew I would do anything for her. There was no question of that. But I knew I would never be able to trust Nikki with something like that. I knew why it couldn't be exposed. She didn't. She hadn't lived with it like I had and she would see Manticore coming into the light as a good thing for all. Sure, it was. But it would destroy the X-5's and put them deeper into the ground. It would be the biggest story of someone's career, but never mine or hers.
"I nearly got killed because I stopped," I said. Both of them looked relived. Yeah, I know, that made it sound like I was doing something really overboard, but what else could I say? "I can't answer questions. I don't think any of it will ever see the light of day. But yeah, I know my boundaries a lot better now."
"Good," Nikki said. She glanced at Dink. "I feel a lot better now for what we did."
I blinked. There was no telling with those two. Since I had introduced them, they had gotten rather buddy-buddy. He cut his hair. She got some stuff from him with mere oranges. I would have sworn they were on the verge of a date. All I could do was pray they adopted.
"With what happened to your car, the story I heard from your father and the police records seemed a little sketchy," she said. My car? What? "The cops didn't find it," she continued. "I don't even want to speculate on who you were playing with. Because something major went down, your car looks like it was driven through the side of a building and nobody knows anything, not even the junkyard it mysteriously ended up at."
What did Zack do to my car? "How did you find it?"
"Kat," she answered. "Decided to let me know since it was dumped at her yard."
"It was in the police's database as a missing vehicle since you were also reported missing," Dink said. "All things considering, Nikki figured you probably didn't want to be questioned about it. So I, ah, made a few adjustments."
I relaxed. "I'm guessing I've never owned a vehicle in my life before?"
"Not that I know of." And if Dink didn't know, that meant the state of California and the United States of America was clueless as well. And that suited me quite well.
"Thank you both."
Nikki grinned. "If there ever comes a day when you can give a full accounting, then I want to be the first to hear it."
I smiled. "You got yourself a deal."
Jhondie
My life while Justin was in the hospital revolved around going to my classes and then right to the hospital. I did homework while he was in physical therapy. I went with him the first few times, but eventually I had to leave because I knew I was going to kill the therapist if he hurt him one more time. All for the good, I knew, but it was the point. He did appreciate it when I sent Melba away and gave him a sponge bath myself. He muttered something that this was more like it and refused to say more. I chalked it up to the painkillers he was on.
I had missed about a week and a half of classes, not even thinking about school. I actually had no intention of going back until Justin was out of the hospital, but he finally swore to me enough he wouldn't die or disappear while I was gone for a few hours. And he reminded me that our wedding was supposed to be between my graduation and starting med school and it was going to be hard if I was a semester behind. Jerk. I hated how he could talk me into anything. My mom had called my professors and told them that a gang had attacked my fiancée and that was the emergency that called me away. They were pretty sympathetic and I was able to make up everything I had missed
I had gotten a single message from Zack. He just said, "Situation neutralized," and hung up on my voice mail. Good thing for him. There was a lot I wanted to say to him and most of it was going to be quite unpleasant. Justin had told me that Zack had told him to back out of the situation and he didn't and that's why he got caught, but that wasn't the point. Zack should have known Justin wouldn't back down if I were involved. Again, the next time we saw each other, it wasn't going to be pleasant.
That's what I thought at least. Until he actually showed up. I had just gotten to the hospital as usual. The routine was that we would just talk, or I would bring him something he needed to work on (it was light work, I knew he needed to rest but he needed something to keep from going stir crazy) and then he would be in PT while I did my homework in the room. Then dinner together and I would stay there until a nurse threatened to beat me if I didn't leave. I had tried to stay at Justin's one night since it was closer, but I couldn't stay there without him. If I lay down, I could smell his scent on the sheets. Everywhere was stamped with his personality, and I couldn't handle being there knowing I wasn't going to be able to see him in there for a while.
Anyways, Justin had been in the hospital about three weeks that day. He was improving pretty well. The internal injuries were mostly healed and the breaks were coming along. He was starting to look like my Justin again and not an invalid patient. And he was starting to act like my Justin too. I came in, leaned over to kiss him and he just grinned and pointedly stared down the top of my shirt. I know I blushed when he whispered a few suggestions in my ear. Well, not that his ideas were impossible...I was limber enough...just had to time it around the nurses' checks...
He kissed me again, this time letting his good hand do a little wandering. Oh yeah, he was definitely on the mend. And that was when a throat was cleared at the door. I jumped, straightening and turning, and there was Zack. I had a speech planned for the next time we saw each other. Trust me, it was a good one. One that would get in there and burn for a long time to come. But the second I saw him, all the harsh words died in my throat.
When he had been in that helicopter accident, that had been the roughest I had ever seen him. This time, he wasn't beat up or cut up, but he looked even worse. He looked like he had just gotten an emotional ass kicking, to put it bluntly. And those were far worse than physical. If you've ever been there, you know what I mean. In a second, I went from pissed as hell to feeling so bad for him that I didn't know what to say.
The plan was to give him a very cold, "you're looking well", but instead all I did was stare for a minute and very quietly say "Hey."
He gave me a curt nod and stepped the rest of the way into the room, closing the door behind him. "Hey," he replied. Wow. A reply from Zack. A greeting at that. Be still my heart.
Zack's eyes swept over Justin. "Dr. Lee said you weren't going to die."
Justin half-smiled. "I thought I remembered you getting me out," he said. "Still fuzzy on the blonde. No idea what you did to my car for that matter."
Zack shrugged. "As usual, what needed to be done." There was a moment of a rather uncomfortable silence.
"I got your message," I finally said. "So, I don't have to worry about the Red Disposables?"
"Like you did before," Zack replied disapprovingly. Before I could say something back, he waved his hand and sat down. Wow. Zack looked tired. And was about to talk. And not wanting to argue over nasty comments. That wave could have been mistaken as an apology. If someone had mentioned alien abduction at that moment, I wouldn't have laughed.
"The Reds weren't here for you," he finally said. "They thought they were being delivered someone else. You being here was just coincidence." He shot Justin a dark look. "You made the Reds think things they wouldn't have if you had listened to orders."
Justin half-laughed. "If you have to ask why I did it, you wouldn't understand the answer."
I was looking at Zack when Justin said that, and something crossed his face for a second, like a shadow of a passing car on the road. There and gone. And I had no idea what was doing this to him.
"The X-5's weren't the only group in danger from the Reds," Zack continued. "All they wanted was a transgenic. When they couldn't get their hands on an X-5, they made a big mistake and went for another and ended up learning that one on one, we're no match, but pretty deadly as a group. Most of the Reds were killed and I doubt they are going to come back for more soon. Even if they did, they don't know where to look for an X-5 and there's nobody to hand over another X-6."
My jaw dropped. A WHAT? "X-6?" I gasped out. "There are rogue X-6?" I remembered Boston, when that general said that all it would take was another '09 to end Manticore. That had happened? Then why was Manticore still around? Or was it? Maybe...
"No," Zack answered. "No rogues."
I blinked. Justin figured it out before me. I'm not that slow usually, but it was just an impossibility I couldn't fathom. "The blonde," Justin said. "The blonde was an X-6? Somehow they knew she was there and were after her."
"Was set up to be there," Zack answered.
I laughed. I couldn't help it. "Oh my God," I got out. "I knew you were willing to do anything to protect us, but allying with a loyal X-6 was the one thing I never even dreamed you would be willing to do."
His eyes met mine and my laughter ceased. I knew what he was saying. As leader, he had to be willing to go to lengths that none of us would be capable of going. That's who he was. And who I was too selfish to be. It was roughly a visual backhand.
There was a knock on the door and Zack was suddenly gone before the door could open. The bathroom door was now slit open rather than all the way. Ha. I was still faster. Justin's physical therapist came in. "Mind if we start a little early today?" he asked cheerfully. "My schedule's a little crowded today with people coming in." Jerk. It was just low to remind Justin that there were people leaving the hospital right now.
Justin glanced at me. I gave him a tiny nod that the therapist missed. "Sure," he said, carefully starting to untangle himself from all of the bedding. It was a slow process with the casts, but we got him out of there and into the waiting wheelchair. I blew him a kiss as the evil one carted him off.
Zack slipped out quietly when the door shut. I knew how much he hated to be trapped in a room. This high up, the window would not be a good option. "There's a terrace a few floors down," I said. "We could go out there and get some air if you want."
He nodded and we left quietly. I had a feeling that none of the nurses had seen Zack and he would like it to be kept that way. We didn't say much until we got outside and went to the low wall surrounding the edge of the terrace. On a clear day you could see all the way to the ocean from here. We couldn't really see the ocean that day, but there was a glimmer through the smog that you could tell yourself was blue sea. For a while we just leaned on the wall, thinking our own thoughts.
I was wondering what was up with Zack. Had he had a near-death experience or something? And what was the deal with that surfer necklace thing? I saw them all the time on surfers with the black nylon cord and that yin- yang medallion. Zack had automatically tucked it back in his shirt when it came out as he leaned over the edge of the wall, but it was the point he was wearing it. Weird and more weird.
Without warning, his hand shot out and caught my left hand. For a second I almost passed out thinking Zack was getting touchy-feely and then I realized he wasn't holding my hand, he was examining it. More to the point, he was looking at my ring. His eyes flicked up and met mine in a demand.
My chin rose defiantly. "Justin proposed to me several months ago," I said. "I accepted. We're planning on getting married this summer before I start med school."
Zack dropped my hand like it was contaminated and turned his gaze back to the skyline. I felt tears starting to build in my eyes. "I know what you're thinking," I said, sniffing back the tears. "Stupid and irresponsible and a whole host of other things, but there's something you're missing in all that." I paused, wishing he would give a signal that he was actually listening. "It's time to heal, Zack. For once and for all, it's time to finally heal."
He was listening. I could tell I struck a nerve by the way his back stiffened. "I'm not talking about not keeping an eye open either. I don't want to go back. And I know what I would do if I got cornered. What I'm talking about is healing. About giving up the nightmares finally."
I wiped the tears that were starting to leak out. Zack still wasn't looking at me, but his head had dropped slightly, eyes closing as he really thought about what I was saying. "They hurt us. There's no doubt about that. But you can't live with open wounds forever. I've tried and all that happens is that they get ripped open again and again and you bleed every time. We're going to be scarred. And that's okay because scars remind you of where you've been and why you don't want to be there again. But you have to let the wounds heal, you know?"
"Some things don't heal," he finally said very softly.
I thought that he was talking about Bryn. "Maybe," I said. "But do you let that poison you forever? When there's nothing left to be done, what else do you do? If there was a way to help Bryn, I'd be the first to volunteer, no matter what, but in the meantime, do I keep ripping off the scab, or go on?"
I sighed. "I can't judge you. I don't know what you've been through and I don't know what's really bothering you right now. If Manticore got another one, you would have told me. So, all I can say is that I have to heal. It's time for me to let go of those forty-two hours and eleven minutes and not let it destroy any chance I have at having a future. I can't look at the future as all smoke and dreams that won't come true. I can't. It's time for me. And as much as you don't want to admit it's true, one day it will be for you too."
If I didn't know better, I would have sworn he was fighting to hold back tears. We both stood there quietly for a while, looking at the city. I glanced at my watch. Justin would be in PT for a while longer. "You're welcome to stay at my house for as long as you want," I finally offered quietly. "You know Mom is cool with that no matter what. Justin's place is empty too, if you want some privacy."
"Thanks," he said absently. "I might do that." He sounded so tired. I wanted to hug him and tell him it would all be okay, but I couldn't. That would have been an invasion of sorts and I didn't want to push him today. Another time and I might have tried to get the answers from him, but some instinct said that whatever was bothering him; he needed to heal from it as well.
Zack picked up my hand again and stared at the ring. His thumb ran over the center diamond. "He'll be good to you," he almost whispered. And I almost fainted right there on the spot. Zack abruptly let go and straightened.
"I'll see you later," he said and as quickly as he had come back, walked away.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Justin
For the record, hospital life unequivocally sucks. As the days passed, I discovered that a lot I had read when I was a teenager was an out and out lie. Nurses are not all leggy blondes that moonlight as models. And the ones that offer the sponge baths are nothing that you would want to write a letter to Penthouse about. Doctors are not dashing men that seduce said leggy blonde nurse and then cure the patient by the end of the day. And then there was thing they made me go to called physical therapy. PT can best be described as being put under the supervision of a Nazi war criminal that was in a bad mood.
So that was how my days and then weeks passed. I spent about five weeks in the hospital, slowly healing. The breaks were the worst. My arm was healing pretty well, but my leg had been broken in several places and was pinned together and the broken bones had cut tendons and muscles. The doctors were estimating about three months for that puppy to be mostly healed. And of course, there was more PT after that. The little sadist in sweats had smiled when he heard that news and said we would be able to step up the intensity then.
I had to have surgery again to handle some of the scaring and such. This is when having a lot of money helps out. Plus, if you have to have plastic surgery, LA is the place to be. Even though a lot of the doctors for the beautiful people packed up and moved to Europe after the Pulse, they will still come flying in, no questions asked, to work on someone in LA. Annoying for me ideologically, but I had to admit, the results were worth it. I had a small thin scar on the bridge of my nose that was hard to see with my skin tone, another small one on my cheek and a few assorted on the arms and legs where the pins had gone in. All and all, I had to say I was extremely lucky.
Lucky on other counts too. Nikki and (I almost had a heart attack when I saw him) Dink came up to see me about three days after I was coherent. Both of them looked really uncomfortable being there. I guess they were thinking how close we all were in our work and this could happen to them. Not likely. Neither of them would be investigating a threat to their transgenic fiancée. Well, not likely it would ever happen. Lately, I had left off saying never.
Nikki had closed the door and asked me if we were on camera or off the record. That was interesting. I told her the place was clean as far as I knew. She cleared her throat and looked more nervous than I had ever seen before. "Justin," she said, "I think we can all be honest with each other in that we all skate the law in what we do." Dink was nodding. "What I'm saying is that we know it's technically illegal, but the ends justify the means, right?"
"I grant you my things are for personal gain," Dink spoke up, "but I wouldn't help out people I think are going to use what I give for evil purposes. Even I have some limits." Coming from a hacker like him, that was saying a lot.
"We all hang on the edge, I know that Nik," I replied hesitantly. This was starting to sound like an intervention.
"But we still have to maintain a journalistic integrity," she said. "And that means keeping a distance. I know you. You know what you're getting into. And whatever this story is, it was worth you dying for to get the scoop."
I sighed. "I took Journalism and Ethics my junior year," I replied flatly. "Made an A in it too. You have to stay a step away from the story to maintain objectivity, I know that."
"You hit the edge," Dink said. "How far did you go?"
I wished I could explain. They would understand about Jhondie. Both of them knew I would do anything for her. There was no question of that. But I knew I would never be able to trust Nikki with something like that. I knew why it couldn't be exposed. She didn't. She hadn't lived with it like I had and she would see Manticore coming into the light as a good thing for all. Sure, it was. But it would destroy the X-5's and put them deeper into the ground. It would be the biggest story of someone's career, but never mine or hers.
"I nearly got killed because I stopped," I said. Both of them looked relived. Yeah, I know, that made it sound like I was doing something really overboard, but what else could I say? "I can't answer questions. I don't think any of it will ever see the light of day. But yeah, I know my boundaries a lot better now."
"Good," Nikki said. She glanced at Dink. "I feel a lot better now for what we did."
I blinked. There was no telling with those two. Since I had introduced them, they had gotten rather buddy-buddy. He cut his hair. She got some stuff from him with mere oranges. I would have sworn they were on the verge of a date. All I could do was pray they adopted.
"With what happened to your car, the story I heard from your father and the police records seemed a little sketchy," she said. My car? What? "The cops didn't find it," she continued. "I don't even want to speculate on who you were playing with. Because something major went down, your car looks like it was driven through the side of a building and nobody knows anything, not even the junkyard it mysteriously ended up at."
What did Zack do to my car? "How did you find it?"
"Kat," she answered. "Decided to let me know since it was dumped at her yard."
"It was in the police's database as a missing vehicle since you were also reported missing," Dink said. "All things considering, Nikki figured you probably didn't want to be questioned about it. So I, ah, made a few adjustments."
I relaxed. "I'm guessing I've never owned a vehicle in my life before?"
"Not that I know of." And if Dink didn't know, that meant the state of California and the United States of America was clueless as well. And that suited me quite well.
"Thank you both."
Nikki grinned. "If there ever comes a day when you can give a full accounting, then I want to be the first to hear it."
I smiled. "You got yourself a deal."
Jhondie
My life while Justin was in the hospital revolved around going to my classes and then right to the hospital. I did homework while he was in physical therapy. I went with him the first few times, but eventually I had to leave because I knew I was going to kill the therapist if he hurt him one more time. All for the good, I knew, but it was the point. He did appreciate it when I sent Melba away and gave him a sponge bath myself. He muttered something that this was more like it and refused to say more. I chalked it up to the painkillers he was on.
I had missed about a week and a half of classes, not even thinking about school. I actually had no intention of going back until Justin was out of the hospital, but he finally swore to me enough he wouldn't die or disappear while I was gone for a few hours. And he reminded me that our wedding was supposed to be between my graduation and starting med school and it was going to be hard if I was a semester behind. Jerk. I hated how he could talk me into anything. My mom had called my professors and told them that a gang had attacked my fiancée and that was the emergency that called me away. They were pretty sympathetic and I was able to make up everything I had missed
I had gotten a single message from Zack. He just said, "Situation neutralized," and hung up on my voice mail. Good thing for him. There was a lot I wanted to say to him and most of it was going to be quite unpleasant. Justin had told me that Zack had told him to back out of the situation and he didn't and that's why he got caught, but that wasn't the point. Zack should have known Justin wouldn't back down if I were involved. Again, the next time we saw each other, it wasn't going to be pleasant.
That's what I thought at least. Until he actually showed up. I had just gotten to the hospital as usual. The routine was that we would just talk, or I would bring him something he needed to work on (it was light work, I knew he needed to rest but he needed something to keep from going stir crazy) and then he would be in PT while I did my homework in the room. Then dinner together and I would stay there until a nurse threatened to beat me if I didn't leave. I had tried to stay at Justin's one night since it was closer, but I couldn't stay there without him. If I lay down, I could smell his scent on the sheets. Everywhere was stamped with his personality, and I couldn't handle being there knowing I wasn't going to be able to see him in there for a while.
Anyways, Justin had been in the hospital about three weeks that day. He was improving pretty well. The internal injuries were mostly healed and the breaks were coming along. He was starting to look like my Justin again and not an invalid patient. And he was starting to act like my Justin too. I came in, leaned over to kiss him and he just grinned and pointedly stared down the top of my shirt. I know I blushed when he whispered a few suggestions in my ear. Well, not that his ideas were impossible...I was limber enough...just had to time it around the nurses' checks...
He kissed me again, this time letting his good hand do a little wandering. Oh yeah, he was definitely on the mend. And that was when a throat was cleared at the door. I jumped, straightening and turning, and there was Zack. I had a speech planned for the next time we saw each other. Trust me, it was a good one. One that would get in there and burn for a long time to come. But the second I saw him, all the harsh words died in my throat.
When he had been in that helicopter accident, that had been the roughest I had ever seen him. This time, he wasn't beat up or cut up, but he looked even worse. He looked like he had just gotten an emotional ass kicking, to put it bluntly. And those were far worse than physical. If you've ever been there, you know what I mean. In a second, I went from pissed as hell to feeling so bad for him that I didn't know what to say.
The plan was to give him a very cold, "you're looking well", but instead all I did was stare for a minute and very quietly say "Hey."
He gave me a curt nod and stepped the rest of the way into the room, closing the door behind him. "Hey," he replied. Wow. A reply from Zack. A greeting at that. Be still my heart.
Zack's eyes swept over Justin. "Dr. Lee said you weren't going to die."
Justin half-smiled. "I thought I remembered you getting me out," he said. "Still fuzzy on the blonde. No idea what you did to my car for that matter."
Zack shrugged. "As usual, what needed to be done." There was a moment of a rather uncomfortable silence.
"I got your message," I finally said. "So, I don't have to worry about the Red Disposables?"
"Like you did before," Zack replied disapprovingly. Before I could say something back, he waved his hand and sat down. Wow. Zack looked tired. And was about to talk. And not wanting to argue over nasty comments. That wave could have been mistaken as an apology. If someone had mentioned alien abduction at that moment, I wouldn't have laughed.
"The Reds weren't here for you," he finally said. "They thought they were being delivered someone else. You being here was just coincidence." He shot Justin a dark look. "You made the Reds think things they wouldn't have if you had listened to orders."
Justin half-laughed. "If you have to ask why I did it, you wouldn't understand the answer."
I was looking at Zack when Justin said that, and something crossed his face for a second, like a shadow of a passing car on the road. There and gone. And I had no idea what was doing this to him.
"The X-5's weren't the only group in danger from the Reds," Zack continued. "All they wanted was a transgenic. When they couldn't get their hands on an X-5, they made a big mistake and went for another and ended up learning that one on one, we're no match, but pretty deadly as a group. Most of the Reds were killed and I doubt they are going to come back for more soon. Even if they did, they don't know where to look for an X-5 and there's nobody to hand over another X-6."
My jaw dropped. A WHAT? "X-6?" I gasped out. "There are rogue X-6?" I remembered Boston, when that general said that all it would take was another '09 to end Manticore. That had happened? Then why was Manticore still around? Or was it? Maybe...
"No," Zack answered. "No rogues."
I blinked. Justin figured it out before me. I'm not that slow usually, but it was just an impossibility I couldn't fathom. "The blonde," Justin said. "The blonde was an X-6? Somehow they knew she was there and were after her."
"Was set up to be there," Zack answered.
I laughed. I couldn't help it. "Oh my God," I got out. "I knew you were willing to do anything to protect us, but allying with a loyal X-6 was the one thing I never even dreamed you would be willing to do."
His eyes met mine and my laughter ceased. I knew what he was saying. As leader, he had to be willing to go to lengths that none of us would be capable of going. That's who he was. And who I was too selfish to be. It was roughly a visual backhand.
There was a knock on the door and Zack was suddenly gone before the door could open. The bathroom door was now slit open rather than all the way. Ha. I was still faster. Justin's physical therapist came in. "Mind if we start a little early today?" he asked cheerfully. "My schedule's a little crowded today with people coming in." Jerk. It was just low to remind Justin that there were people leaving the hospital right now.
Justin glanced at me. I gave him a tiny nod that the therapist missed. "Sure," he said, carefully starting to untangle himself from all of the bedding. It was a slow process with the casts, but we got him out of there and into the waiting wheelchair. I blew him a kiss as the evil one carted him off.
Zack slipped out quietly when the door shut. I knew how much he hated to be trapped in a room. This high up, the window would not be a good option. "There's a terrace a few floors down," I said. "We could go out there and get some air if you want."
He nodded and we left quietly. I had a feeling that none of the nurses had seen Zack and he would like it to be kept that way. We didn't say much until we got outside and went to the low wall surrounding the edge of the terrace. On a clear day you could see all the way to the ocean from here. We couldn't really see the ocean that day, but there was a glimmer through the smog that you could tell yourself was blue sea. For a while we just leaned on the wall, thinking our own thoughts.
I was wondering what was up with Zack. Had he had a near-death experience or something? And what was the deal with that surfer necklace thing? I saw them all the time on surfers with the black nylon cord and that yin- yang medallion. Zack had automatically tucked it back in his shirt when it came out as he leaned over the edge of the wall, but it was the point he was wearing it. Weird and more weird.
Without warning, his hand shot out and caught my left hand. For a second I almost passed out thinking Zack was getting touchy-feely and then I realized he wasn't holding my hand, he was examining it. More to the point, he was looking at my ring. His eyes flicked up and met mine in a demand.
My chin rose defiantly. "Justin proposed to me several months ago," I said. "I accepted. We're planning on getting married this summer before I start med school."
Zack dropped my hand like it was contaminated and turned his gaze back to the skyline. I felt tears starting to build in my eyes. "I know what you're thinking," I said, sniffing back the tears. "Stupid and irresponsible and a whole host of other things, but there's something you're missing in all that." I paused, wishing he would give a signal that he was actually listening. "It's time to heal, Zack. For once and for all, it's time to finally heal."
He was listening. I could tell I struck a nerve by the way his back stiffened. "I'm not talking about not keeping an eye open either. I don't want to go back. And I know what I would do if I got cornered. What I'm talking about is healing. About giving up the nightmares finally."
I wiped the tears that were starting to leak out. Zack still wasn't looking at me, but his head had dropped slightly, eyes closing as he really thought about what I was saying. "They hurt us. There's no doubt about that. But you can't live with open wounds forever. I've tried and all that happens is that they get ripped open again and again and you bleed every time. We're going to be scarred. And that's okay because scars remind you of where you've been and why you don't want to be there again. But you have to let the wounds heal, you know?"
"Some things don't heal," he finally said very softly.
I thought that he was talking about Bryn. "Maybe," I said. "But do you let that poison you forever? When there's nothing left to be done, what else do you do? If there was a way to help Bryn, I'd be the first to volunteer, no matter what, but in the meantime, do I keep ripping off the scab, or go on?"
I sighed. "I can't judge you. I don't know what you've been through and I don't know what's really bothering you right now. If Manticore got another one, you would have told me. So, all I can say is that I have to heal. It's time for me to let go of those forty-two hours and eleven minutes and not let it destroy any chance I have at having a future. I can't look at the future as all smoke and dreams that won't come true. I can't. It's time for me. And as much as you don't want to admit it's true, one day it will be for you too."
If I didn't know better, I would have sworn he was fighting to hold back tears. We both stood there quietly for a while, looking at the city. I glanced at my watch. Justin would be in PT for a while longer. "You're welcome to stay at my house for as long as you want," I finally offered quietly. "You know Mom is cool with that no matter what. Justin's place is empty too, if you want some privacy."
"Thanks," he said absently. "I might do that." He sounded so tired. I wanted to hug him and tell him it would all be okay, but I couldn't. That would have been an invasion of sorts and I didn't want to push him today. Another time and I might have tried to get the answers from him, but some instinct said that whatever was bothering him; he needed to heal from it as well.
Zack picked up my hand again and stared at the ring. His thumb ran over the center diamond. "He'll be good to you," he almost whispered. And I almost fainted right there on the spot. Zack abruptly let go and straightened.
"I'll see you later," he said and as quickly as he had come back, walked away.