I don't own Cold Mountain. But I like fanfics, so I wrote one. There's nothing really graphic in here, it's all implied, and only implied as much as you want it implied ;) Ada/Ruby femmeslash goodness. Enjoy?
When Time Held It's BreathFor the first time in what seemed ages, she sat alone, seated on a log under the chilly winter heavens. Waiting. Each snowflake burned as it landed on her already pale and frozen face, landing among her frozen tears. The fire, though only a few feet in front of her, was of no use this night. No warmth would make up for the lover's touch she was missing on this night. This night was by far the coldest of nights, for she wasn't beside her. Her warm flesh against her own that had kept them warm all those long winter nights for the past few years. No, not tonight, if ever again. She forced herself to focus on the crackling of the fire rather than the silent screams held between the walls of the cabin behind her.
Though it seemed to mean nothing to her. Ada. It seemed wrong to even mention her name now. All those nights they had spent wrapped in the sheepskin quilts and silken sheets on her bed. They would lie in each other's arms long after the dawn broke. Though there was work to be done, it didn't matter. The sooner they finished their daily tasks, the sooner they could return to this very spot, which was the only thing that convinced them that it was worth moving. But even then, their bond could not be broken. They'd stay wrapped in each other under large winter coats, even on days when it wasn't that cold. On the warm days they'd simply lay out in the wheat fields, fingers and legs intertwined, her head against Ada's chest, looking up at the clouds, or even stars, yet remained concentrated on her heartbeat. She would run her fingers through her hair, occasionally braiding stray pieces. Ruby wasn't one for braiding, she would just let Ada's silky mane flow between her fingers, or combing it with her fingers. For hours they'd remain this way, The only thing that came between them at these times were the daily routines; the horse, cows, and chickens would need fed, and they'd give up their sweet surrender for what seemed hours to tend to the quick daily chores, yet never once breaking eye contact. The field never seemed to get plowed. The seeds never seemed to get planted. Not on these days.
By the time the day had been wasted away, it was dusk once more. By night they'd lay by candlelight, reading from a novel, talking, or most times just lying there. Too much tension built at these moments, and they'd decide to go somewhere warmer, or at least that was the usual alibi. It was the cold nights they preferred. They'd make their way up to one of their rooms, entwining their fingers as they climbed the stairs. Once upon the bed, silk nightgowns would be thrown carelessly to the floor and the woolen blankets would surround their two bared souls. Their lips only parted for gasps of air. As the night grew on, her neck became dotted with the marks of lips upon her skin, and she'd do the same in return. They would lay there for hours, just wrapped up in each other. Not thinking, barely breathing. Dozing in and out of sleep, afraid to miss one moment of the other. Surrendering to the night's desires in that surreal state under the moon. It was these moments that tasted sweeter than honey, and time held it's breath.
These nights were no more. She had spent these years convincing herself, and even Ada at times, that the man that came between them at this moment was dead. She knew in her heart he wasn't. She knew this would happen eventually, but not so soon. Ada had bared her soul to another on this night. And here she sat, alone. Never before had such a rushing sense of jealously flowing through her veins and pumping in her heart. The very heart that echoed in the silence of their nights together and in her lover's ears. Tonight, it wasn't she that was running her fingers through Ada's hair, hearing the sacred "I love you's", and receiving them. Not under this moon, on this night.
Ruby buried her face in her hands, chocking back the tears once again. Their love had flashed before her eyes; every movement, every kiss, every touch, every nightgown thrown to the floor, lying crumpled next to the bed, each breath lost within the sheets. Their hearts had the same beat as it raced. Those zealous moments, when time held still.
Ada had whispered to her how nothing else mattered. Lust. Something as beautiful as what they had was not lust, or even fulfilled lust. Perhaps that's what it had started out as, Ada's longing for something to temporarily fill her tattered heart, not that it mattered to Ruby either way. Just reminiscing on those nights gave her a warmth yet sent a chill up her spine at the same time, but that's what love did, didn't it? She knew of his lips caressing her skin, and all those moments when they had shared the same.
She lifted her face from her hands. The fire was beginning to dwindle. How long had she been waiting? Five minutes? An hour? Three hours? Now more than ever, she wanted Ada here. To feel her skin against hers, to press her lips against hers, to feel her fingers against her neck, through her hair and tracing down her spine. It occurred to her that possibly she was doing this just for the pure sake of doing it. She had waiting four years for this, perhaps she deserved this bliss. The toxic jealousy she felt burned in her heart more than ever for a second. Not to say that their time spent together meant nothing to Ada, at the time it had. Yet she wondered, for a fleeting second, if Ada had told him about them, or any mention of her. What they had shared when he was gone. The answer the clear, and why it was asked at all seemed foolish.
She got up, shaking the freshly fallen snow off her jacket and pants. She placed her hand on the icy doorknob. It burned her skin to touch it, yet her hand remained clasped on the doorknob. She had already interrupted them once that night; it wouldn't hurt to do it again. This was for them. Ada didn't deserve this, not what she was about to destroy. If this is what her love wanted, she would let her have it. Out of love. It was tearing her upside, though she wasn't one to show emotions on the outside, she was a physical mess. Her eyes bloodshot from lack of sleep, her body racking with sobs and chills. She couldn't let her see her in such a state. She was supposed to be the strong one, rarely showing vulnerability.
Things would never be the same between them. She had tasted jealousy and solitude, wanting neither. The days to follow would be filled with tension instead of bliss. Ada would spend tonight in the arms of another. If only she had known that last night. She would of lie there a few moments longer, clinging dearly to each and every second, absorbing it for all it's worth. To get lost in those moments again. Instead she had let the days melt into the next, taking it all for granted. It was too late to regret, too late to tell her all she would of told her, though she wasn't even sure what had to be said. The beat of her heart pounded in her head, blocking out all other thoughts and sounds.
And she still had her hand on the doorknob.
Ruby returned to her place on the log, where the fire had died and it smelled of ash and burnt tree bark. The wind came again, sending a chill into the air and up her spine. A chill only a lover's touch could mend at that moment. But not tonight, if ever again at all.
In her mind, she knew what they had was real.. No questions were ever asked between them, it was still unclear to both of them how their relationship had grown into what it had, but again, neither of them questioned it. It was just…accepted. Not that she had the time to ask these questions anymore. Hopefully one day, things would go back to the way they were, if only for one single night of bliss again. She'd cherish it that time, not that she hadn't in the past. But she knew what it was like to be without it now.