Disclaimer: Blah Blah Blah..
Pippin: I'm hungry! *eats disclaimer*
Everyone: Hurray! Go Pippin!
Galadriel-in-disguise: Fool of a Took! I could get sued for that! *********************** A/n: Well, I'm not done with my essays, but I wrote this anyway. For some random reason it's more than twice as long as the previous chapters.
Chapter 5:
6:13 the next morning. Raining. Duh. The Fellowship is standing around in the motel parking lot waiting for Legolas, who is still inside, supposedly using the bathroom.
"Why is that stupid elf taking so long?" muttered Gandalf. "I want to get the *&%$ out of here before the manager discovers I blew up one of his beds."
"You have only your self to blame for that," said Boromir virtuously.
Gandalf scowled and waggled his eyebrows in irritation.
"Maybe Legolas is constipated!" suggested Pippin cheerfully.
"Oh my God! Pippin, you idiot, SHUT UP!" thundered Gandalf.
"Elves don't get constipated," whispered Frodo to Pippin. "It's a scientific fact."
"He's probably redyeing his hair," giggled Merry.
"SHHH!" said everyone.
Sam looked around fearfully. "Saying things like that can get you killed and eaten by Legolas's fangirls."
Gandalf chewed his beard in exasperation. "I'm surrounded by imbeciles! Aragorn, Gimli, go find that nancing elf and haul his *&% down here!"
* * * * * * * *
Aragorn stuck his head into room 49, which appeared to be empty, except for assorted dust bunnies and spiders. "Legolas! Where are you?! Gandalf's going pop an artery if we don't go soon!" Then he noticed the muffled thumps and curses emanating from the bathroom. He approached warily. "Legolas, what are you DOING in there??"
"WHAT AM I DOING?!?! WHAT AM I DOING?!?! THIS *&%$#$% DOOR IS STUCK AND I'M TRYING TO GET THE *&%# OUT OF HERE!!!!!"
"Whoa dude, calm down," said Aragorn, in what he hoped was a soothing tone of voice.
"CALM DOWN!?!?! CALM DOWN!?!? I'VE BEEN STUCK IN THIS *&%$#*& BATHROOM FOR TWENTY FREAKING MINUTES AND YOUR TELLING ME TO CALM DOWN?!?! VERY FUNNY AGGY!"
"I TOLD YOU NEVER TO CALL ME THAT! IT GIVES THE SLASH WRITERS IDEAS!!"
"HOW CAN YOU THINK ABOUT SLASHERS AT A TIME LIKE THIS?????"
Gimli decided that the conversation had gone on long enough. "STAND BACK!" he bellowed, and threw his axe at the door. It knocked the door right off its hinges, shattered the mirror, and sent a large chunk of the ceiling cascading onto a very surprised Legolas.
"Now look what you've done!" moaned Aragorn, hauling the elf out of the rubble. "He's out cold! It could be hours before he wakes up!"
"Not if I've got anything to say about it!" growled Gimli. He bent down and whispered 'Mary Sue' in Legolas's ear.
"WHERE?!" yelled Legolas in terror.
Gimli smirked. "Told you so."
"Okay, that's enough fooling around!" snapped Aragorn. "Gimli, do you realize it looks like someone set off a bomb in here?"
"Well it worked," grumbled Gimli.
Aragorn snorted and stomped out the door and down the stairs.
* * * * * * * *
Down by the Eurovan, tensions were running high. Gandalf was biting his nails and checking his watch every two minutes.
"Where are they? Where are they?" he muttered.
"There they are," said Merry, pointing to Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli who were coming towards them across the parking lot. "What have they been DOING? They're all covered in plaster and spider webs!"
"DON'T ask," said Gimli when he got within hearing distance.
"Whatever," said Gandalf. "Now let's GO!" He started to get into the car, but Aragorn stopped him.
"I think for the sake of your blood pressure, I'd better drive,"
"Fine," muttered Gandalf, climbing into the back seat. "Just don't blame me when we end up upside down in a ditch."
Aragorn rolled his eyes. "Thanks for your vote of confidence,"
* * * * * * * *
Four hours later, driving south on I-5. (I=Interstate)
"Hey," said Frodo, "It stopped raining!"
"That's because we're in Oregon now, stupid." said Merry.
"Did you just call Mr. Frodo stupid?" asked Sam, brandishing his frying pan. Merry squeaked and hid under the seat.
"Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way," sang Pippin.
Legolas ground his teeth. "Pippin, you've got a serious bitch slap coming!!"
Pippin scowled and shut up. Immediately, Gandalf started snoring. Legolas kicked him, which only made him snore louder.
"My butt is asleep!" whined Gimli.
Merry stuck his head out from under the seat. "I'm STARVING Aragorn!"
"YEAH!" yelled the other hobbits. "WE WANT FOOD!"
"Oh no, not AGAIN!" sighed Legolas.
"I'm NOT stopping!" shouted Aragorn.
"FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD!" chanted the hobbits.
"SHUT UP! JUST BE PATIENT!" yelled Aragorn, cutting suddenly across three lanes and nearly flattening a passing station wagon.
"AHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Pippin, jumping on to Aragorn's head and trying to bite his ear off.
"Pippin, you FREAK! Get off my head!! I'll have you drawn and quartered for this! OW! Stop that! Only Arwen's allowed to bite my earlobes!"
"Aragorn, you PERV! We didn't need to know that..."
"Shut up Legolas! Pippin-OUCH! Fine! Fine! We'll stop for lunch!
"Yay!" said Pippin, going back to his seat.
Suddenly, a Highway Patrol Car started following them and signaling for them to pull over.
"Oh $#*%!" muttered Aragorn.
"I think you'd better cooperate, dude," said Boromir. "He can definitely drive faster than us."
Still swearing, Aragorn pulled onto the shoulder. One Patrolman got out and came over to the window, ignoring Merry and Pippin, who were making obscene faces at him. The other one stayed in the car and started waxing his mustache.
Aragorn rolled down his window. "What seems to be the trouble ossifer...I mean officer."
"Do you realize that you have been driving in the wrong lane for the past ten minutes?" asked the Patrolman in an extreme Texan accent.
"I'm terribly sorry," replied Aragorn. "There was a hobbit on my head and I couldn't see where I was going."
The Patrolman looked skeptical. "Uh huh. What's your name?"
Legolas opened the sun roof so he could stand up. "He is Aragorn, son of Arathorn, heir to the throne of men!"
Aragorn groaned. "Sit DOWN Legolas!"
Legolas ignored him. "And you smell like an orc."
The Patrolman made a sound of annoyance. "I need to see your license!"
"He hasn't got one!" squealed Pippin.
"I HATE YOU PIPPIN! THAT'S IT, NO LUNCH!"
"No license?" asked the Patrolman with an evil grin. "Ooooh! This could be bad..."
"I think it's time to haul *&%!" muttered Legolas out of the corner of his mouth.
"I think you're right," Aragorn muttered back.
The Patrolman was having fun listing the various punishments he could give them. "...I could fine you up to $700 or you could get six months imprisonment or..."
"ELENDIL!!" yelled Aragorn, and floored it. The Patrolman ran to his car and gave chase. "Bring him down Legolas!" shouted Aragorn. Legolas pulled out his bow and started firing at the patrol car through the sun roof. His first shot stuck in the bumper, the second one hit the hood, leaving a HUGE scratch in the paint and enraging Patrolman #2, who was driving. "KILL THEM!" roared Aragorn.
"Sheesh," muttered Legolas, and fired again. This time he punctured the tire, and the patrol car flipped over.
"Hah HAAAH!" laughed Aragorn, as he sped away. "Who's upside down in a ditch NOW?!"
Just then Gandalf woke up. "What's happening?" he asked blearily.
* * * * * * * *
The Patrolmen were indeed upside down in a ditch, and exceedingly unhappy about it.
"I'm going to get that sucker," growled Patrolman #1, "If it's the last...thing...I...ever...do!"
************************************************************************
Whoa! That was fun! In the next chapter they will FINALLY get to California.
To my reviewers:
Ainu Laire: *THANKS*
pherhyandoiel: No, sorry. The Fellowship can only go places I've been to. It's kind of hard to write humor about a place you've never experienced.
Mornie Utule: I think Gandalf should have blown up some stuff in the movies.
elf from Rivendell: *THANKS*
happy molecule: I know. Aragorn totally rocks.
mousie2: I think I may just steal Aragorn one of these days...
REVIEW, OR YOU'LL GET BURNED IN EFFIGY BY THE FANGIRLS COMING UP IN CHAPTER SEVEN!
More later. Probably sometime next week.
Pippin: I'm hungry! *eats disclaimer*
Everyone: Hurray! Go Pippin!
Galadriel-in-disguise: Fool of a Took! I could get sued for that! *********************** A/n: Well, I'm not done with my essays, but I wrote this anyway. For some random reason it's more than twice as long as the previous chapters.
Chapter 5:
6:13 the next morning. Raining. Duh. The Fellowship is standing around in the motel parking lot waiting for Legolas, who is still inside, supposedly using the bathroom.
"Why is that stupid elf taking so long?" muttered Gandalf. "I want to get the *&%$ out of here before the manager discovers I blew up one of his beds."
"You have only your self to blame for that," said Boromir virtuously.
Gandalf scowled and waggled his eyebrows in irritation.
"Maybe Legolas is constipated!" suggested Pippin cheerfully.
"Oh my God! Pippin, you idiot, SHUT UP!" thundered Gandalf.
"Elves don't get constipated," whispered Frodo to Pippin. "It's a scientific fact."
"He's probably redyeing his hair," giggled Merry.
"SHHH!" said everyone.
Sam looked around fearfully. "Saying things like that can get you killed and eaten by Legolas's fangirls."
Gandalf chewed his beard in exasperation. "I'm surrounded by imbeciles! Aragorn, Gimli, go find that nancing elf and haul his *&% down here!"
* * * * * * * *
Aragorn stuck his head into room 49, which appeared to be empty, except for assorted dust bunnies and spiders. "Legolas! Where are you?! Gandalf's going pop an artery if we don't go soon!" Then he noticed the muffled thumps and curses emanating from the bathroom. He approached warily. "Legolas, what are you DOING in there??"
"WHAT AM I DOING?!?! WHAT AM I DOING?!?! THIS *&%$#$% DOOR IS STUCK AND I'M TRYING TO GET THE *&%# OUT OF HERE!!!!!"
"Whoa dude, calm down," said Aragorn, in what he hoped was a soothing tone of voice.
"CALM DOWN!?!?! CALM DOWN!?!? I'VE BEEN STUCK IN THIS *&%$#*& BATHROOM FOR TWENTY FREAKING MINUTES AND YOUR TELLING ME TO CALM DOWN?!?! VERY FUNNY AGGY!"
"I TOLD YOU NEVER TO CALL ME THAT! IT GIVES THE SLASH WRITERS IDEAS!!"
"HOW CAN YOU THINK ABOUT SLASHERS AT A TIME LIKE THIS?????"
Gimli decided that the conversation had gone on long enough. "STAND BACK!" he bellowed, and threw his axe at the door. It knocked the door right off its hinges, shattered the mirror, and sent a large chunk of the ceiling cascading onto a very surprised Legolas.
"Now look what you've done!" moaned Aragorn, hauling the elf out of the rubble. "He's out cold! It could be hours before he wakes up!"
"Not if I've got anything to say about it!" growled Gimli. He bent down and whispered 'Mary Sue' in Legolas's ear.
"WHERE?!" yelled Legolas in terror.
Gimli smirked. "Told you so."
"Okay, that's enough fooling around!" snapped Aragorn. "Gimli, do you realize it looks like someone set off a bomb in here?"
"Well it worked," grumbled Gimli.
Aragorn snorted and stomped out the door and down the stairs.
* * * * * * * *
Down by the Eurovan, tensions were running high. Gandalf was biting his nails and checking his watch every two minutes.
"Where are they? Where are they?" he muttered.
"There they are," said Merry, pointing to Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli who were coming towards them across the parking lot. "What have they been DOING? They're all covered in plaster and spider webs!"
"DON'T ask," said Gimli when he got within hearing distance.
"Whatever," said Gandalf. "Now let's GO!" He started to get into the car, but Aragorn stopped him.
"I think for the sake of your blood pressure, I'd better drive,"
"Fine," muttered Gandalf, climbing into the back seat. "Just don't blame me when we end up upside down in a ditch."
Aragorn rolled his eyes. "Thanks for your vote of confidence,"
* * * * * * * *
Four hours later, driving south on I-5. (I=Interstate)
"Hey," said Frodo, "It stopped raining!"
"That's because we're in Oregon now, stupid." said Merry.
"Did you just call Mr. Frodo stupid?" asked Sam, brandishing his frying pan. Merry squeaked and hid under the seat.
"Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way," sang Pippin.
Legolas ground his teeth. "Pippin, you've got a serious bitch slap coming!!"
Pippin scowled and shut up. Immediately, Gandalf started snoring. Legolas kicked him, which only made him snore louder.
"My butt is asleep!" whined Gimli.
Merry stuck his head out from under the seat. "I'm STARVING Aragorn!"
"YEAH!" yelled the other hobbits. "WE WANT FOOD!"
"Oh no, not AGAIN!" sighed Legolas.
"I'm NOT stopping!" shouted Aragorn.
"FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD!" chanted the hobbits.
"SHUT UP! JUST BE PATIENT!" yelled Aragorn, cutting suddenly across three lanes and nearly flattening a passing station wagon.
"AHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Pippin, jumping on to Aragorn's head and trying to bite his ear off.
"Pippin, you FREAK! Get off my head!! I'll have you drawn and quartered for this! OW! Stop that! Only Arwen's allowed to bite my earlobes!"
"Aragorn, you PERV! We didn't need to know that..."
"Shut up Legolas! Pippin-OUCH! Fine! Fine! We'll stop for lunch!
"Yay!" said Pippin, going back to his seat.
Suddenly, a Highway Patrol Car started following them and signaling for them to pull over.
"Oh $#*%!" muttered Aragorn.
"I think you'd better cooperate, dude," said Boromir. "He can definitely drive faster than us."
Still swearing, Aragorn pulled onto the shoulder. One Patrolman got out and came over to the window, ignoring Merry and Pippin, who were making obscene faces at him. The other one stayed in the car and started waxing his mustache.
Aragorn rolled down his window. "What seems to be the trouble ossifer...I mean officer."
"Do you realize that you have been driving in the wrong lane for the past ten minutes?" asked the Patrolman in an extreme Texan accent.
"I'm terribly sorry," replied Aragorn. "There was a hobbit on my head and I couldn't see where I was going."
The Patrolman looked skeptical. "Uh huh. What's your name?"
Legolas opened the sun roof so he could stand up. "He is Aragorn, son of Arathorn, heir to the throne of men!"
Aragorn groaned. "Sit DOWN Legolas!"
Legolas ignored him. "And you smell like an orc."
The Patrolman made a sound of annoyance. "I need to see your license!"
"He hasn't got one!" squealed Pippin.
"I HATE YOU PIPPIN! THAT'S IT, NO LUNCH!"
"No license?" asked the Patrolman with an evil grin. "Ooooh! This could be bad..."
"I think it's time to haul *&%!" muttered Legolas out of the corner of his mouth.
"I think you're right," Aragorn muttered back.
The Patrolman was having fun listing the various punishments he could give them. "...I could fine you up to $700 or you could get six months imprisonment or..."
"ELENDIL!!" yelled Aragorn, and floored it. The Patrolman ran to his car and gave chase. "Bring him down Legolas!" shouted Aragorn. Legolas pulled out his bow and started firing at the patrol car through the sun roof. His first shot stuck in the bumper, the second one hit the hood, leaving a HUGE scratch in the paint and enraging Patrolman #2, who was driving. "KILL THEM!" roared Aragorn.
"Sheesh," muttered Legolas, and fired again. This time he punctured the tire, and the patrol car flipped over.
"Hah HAAAH!" laughed Aragorn, as he sped away. "Who's upside down in a ditch NOW?!"
Just then Gandalf woke up. "What's happening?" he asked blearily.
* * * * * * * *
The Patrolmen were indeed upside down in a ditch, and exceedingly unhappy about it.
"I'm going to get that sucker," growled Patrolman #1, "If it's the last...thing...I...ever...do!"
************************************************************************
Whoa! That was fun! In the next chapter they will FINALLY get to California.
To my reviewers:
Ainu Laire: *THANKS*
pherhyandoiel: No, sorry. The Fellowship can only go places I've been to. It's kind of hard to write humor about a place you've never experienced.
Mornie Utule: I think Gandalf should have blown up some stuff in the movies.
elf from Rivendell: *THANKS*
happy molecule: I know. Aragorn totally rocks.
mousie2: I think I may just steal Aragorn one of these days...
REVIEW, OR YOU'LL GET BURNED IN EFFIGY BY THE FANGIRLS COMING UP IN CHAPTER SEVEN!
More later. Probably sometime next week.