Disclaimer:*Looks around, sees members of the fellowship fingering their
weapons, and decides to take a VERY long vacation.*
A/n: HAPPY! I'm back home on my own computer that doesn't crash whenever I try to go to LOTR.net. However, I now officially hate 'The Grateful Dead', after being forced to listen to them for ten hours of mind numbing driving through southern Oregon. When I'm done with the fangirls I'm going to bash the 'Dead'. I may bash Peter Jackson too. This chapter kinda sucks, but be nice to me. My brain is mush.
And now...
Chapter 7:
After tearing off in the first random direction that came to mind, Aragorn has gotten the Fellowship lost and they are driving around in circles trying to find a gas station...
"This is the THIRD TIME we've driven past that record store!" grumbled Legolas, who had a large lump on his head from being hit with an extra- large free-range organic chicken egg. "Admit it, you don't know where the hell you're going."
"I'm NOT lost! I know exactly where I am!"
"Fine! Where are we then?"
"Umm..."
"See! You ARE lost! Do we have a map of this place somewhere?"
Gandalf began digging in the glove compartment. "Let me see...We have a map of Iowa, a map of Florida, a map of Disney Land, a map of southern Texas, a map of Nome, Alaska, the 1954 edition of the 'Wyoming Road Atlas,' and 'A United States Tour Guide for Dummies.' We do NOT have a map of the Bay Area."
Suddenly the Eurovan made a sputtering sound, and stopped moving.
"*&%$! We're out of gas!" muttered Aragorn. "We'll have to get out and push."
"Push where? In circles? We still don't know where we're going!" snapped Legolas. "Let's just call a tow-truck or something."
"Mr. Frodo is not pushing ANYTHING!" said Sam threateningly.
Just then, Aragorn's cell phone rang. Typically, after several frantic minutes of hunting through his luggage, it was discovered in his pocket. The conversation went something like this:
Aragorn: Hello.
Agent Laire: *freaky heavy breathing*
Aragorn: Hello?
Agent Laire: *more freaky heavy breathing*
Aragorn: HELLO?!?! WILL YOU *&%#ING SAY SOMETHING?!
Agent Laire: SEVEN MINUTES!!
Aragorn: What?!?!
Agent Laire: You heard me. *click*
"Who was that?" asked Gimli.
"I don't know, and I don't want to know!" said Aragorn shakily. "I wonder how they got my number?"
*The author gulps guiltily* Seven minutes later...
Legolas suddenly and inexplicably stood up, hitting his head on the roof of the Eurovan, "SOMETHING DRAWS NEAR!! I CAN FEEL IT!!!"
"How much hobbit weed have you had..." asked Aragorn suspiciously.
"Shh!" hissed Gandalf. "I hear something!"
The Fellowship held their collective breath and listened intently. Faint shrieks could be heard in the distance, and they were gradually getting louder.
"IT'S FANGIRLS!" yelled Legolas. "RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Frodo squeaked and fainted. Sam pulled out his frying pan and stood over him looking fierce. Merry and Pippin dived under their seats, and Aragorn and Legolas ran around in circles screaming. Gandalf and Gimli, however, didn't look too concerned. I wonder why? *cough*
Boromir, being dead, wasn't very worried either. "Look dudes, there's no way the author can bash Peter Jackson if we have to escape from fangirls in the next chapter..." it was good advice, but no one was listening.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" said Legolas and Aragorn, still running in circles.
Suddenly, a large card board box fell out of the sky in front of Aragorn, bringing him up short. "What the hell..." he gasped. Legolas plowed into him from behind and bowled him over.
A few seconds later a brick with a note wrapped around it followed, and hit Legolas on the head, knocking him out.
"The fangirls are getting closer!!!" shouted Merry, sticking his head out. "Shouldn't we DO something besides stand around like a bunch of brainless peacocks?"
"I'm not--" began Aragorn, but he didn't get to finish, because "READ THE NOTE, IDIOT!!!!" had just appeared in the sky in large green letters. "Fine! Fine!" he muttered, and opened the note. It said:
Dear Fellowship,
The box that just fell out of the sky contains the only thing that we know of that stops fangirls. We would come save you ourselves, except that we are busy toilet papering the Pentagon, so you'll just have to cope. TRY not to be your normal boneheaded selves and screw things up.
ANARCHY!
Galadriel-in-disguise
electrocuted-elf
Usagi
Makiyo
Kiki-chan (a.k.a. BLANK) P.S. The brick was Usagi's idea.
Aragorn quickly opened the box. It contained twenty cans of-
"Cheez-Whiz?!?!?!" asked Gandalf incredulously, peering over his shoulder.
Just then, the fangirls, led by Agents Lem&Laire rounded the last corner saw the Fellowship. They started yelling things like "GIMME FRODO!" and "LEGSY'S MINE!"
"It's now or never!" shouted Aragorn, and opened fire, spraying Cheez-Whiz in all directions. It took effect immediately. The fangirls it hit turned weird colors and passed out with a lot of loud screaming and flailing around.
"SKILLS!" he yelled. "All you guys are busy being wimps, unconscious, overprotective, insubstantial, or apathetic, so I get to defeat an entire fangirl army ALL BY MY SELF! GO MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" After Aragorn decimated ¾ of their army, the rest of the fangirls fled shrieking into the distance, and eventually got arrested for trespassing on Travis Air Force base.
"Two, four, six, eight! Who do we appreciate!?!" sang Aragorn, doing a little victory dance.
"Aragorn, stop acting like a hobbit on a sugar high!" snapped Gandalf. "Now, can I call attention to-"
"Oh, a hobbit on a sugar high is MUCH worse!" said Pippin, crawling out from under the seat. "If we have any marshmallows I could demonstrate..."
Gandalf ignored him. "What I was GOING to say, is that we are still lost and out of gas! Now, are we going to do anything about this, or have you're brains suddenly fallen out of you're ears and rendered you more incapable of coherent thought than you already are?!"
"Whoa, too many big words," said Merry.
Gandalf was about to do something very violent involving a certain hobbit and some large explosions, but a twenty-gallon barrel of gas fell out of the sky and knocked him out.
"Oh great! THREE unconscious people!" grumbled Gimli.
"Look on the bright side," said Sam in an annoyingly cheerful voice. "At least we can start the car again. All though we ARE still lost..." A map fell out of the sky and hit him on the head. "Okaaaaaaaay."
* * * * * * * * *
After the Fellowship had left in search of greener pastures, i.e. the nearest McDonalds, Agent Lem and Agent Laire crept out from behind the conveniently placed trash cans where they had taken cover when they realized Aragorn was armed with Cheez-Whiz.
"We were SO CLOSE!" wailed Agent Lem. "Stupid Anarchists!! Now I'll never get Sam!"
"Stop whining!" snapped Agent Laire. "It's not over yet, or have you forgotten plan B?"
"Oh yeah..." ********************************************************
That's all very well, but I've no idea what plan B is. Oh well. I'm going to spend the next few chapters bashing P.J. and 'The Dead' anyway. So did you like this chapter? If you didn't, please tell me! I'm a little disturbed that I've only gotten one negative review. I mean, this story isn't THAT good... To my reviewers: (FIFTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*fireworks*)
Lady Lanet: You live in Washington? Cool! I did, but...now I live in California. Washinton is better though!! P.S. I know it doesn't rain CONSTANTLY there, but it rains A LOT...I think I read somewhere that it's the wettest state in the continental U.S.
Mousie2: My Christmas was great. Everything I got was related to LOTR in some way...And I'm totally going to get Aragorn before you do. Even if I don't, I still have a LARGE poster of him I can stare at! ^_^
Miss Perfects Shadow: Thanks for reading my story! I hope it didn't leave you mentally damaged or anything...some fanfiction does that.
Ainu Laire: You have a ring TOO!?!? Everyone has one except me! *sniff* Oh well. At least I have my Aragorn bookmark. I'm not precisely a Democrat...I'm more of a socialist, or an anarchist, but I definitely think Arnold Schwarzenegger has no business being governor of ANYTHING, let alone the state I inhabit!!
Terra Nova: *BOING BOING BOING* Merry Christmas to you too! (And no, I have not suddenly morphed into Tigger...)
electrocuted elf: Yes, IT IS COME TO THIS. That is, if THIS means having to write pointless squabbling into every review...This is like arguing over who is better, Aragorn or Boromir. We should stop...your environmentalist peacenik elfie dudes rock! I wish I had made them up! Don't worry, I won't steal them. UPDATE YOUR FANFIC!!!!
lemluvspirates: Well, you got blasted with Cheez-Whiz by Aragorn, but don't worry! There's still Plan B. And Plan C. And D. And E....I have no idea what they ARE, but they EXIST. At least I have until like, chapter 11 to think of something.
More Later
A/n: HAPPY! I'm back home on my own computer that doesn't crash whenever I try to go to LOTR.net. However, I now officially hate 'The Grateful Dead', after being forced to listen to them for ten hours of mind numbing driving through southern Oregon. When I'm done with the fangirls I'm going to bash the 'Dead'. I may bash Peter Jackson too. This chapter kinda sucks, but be nice to me. My brain is mush.
And now...
Chapter 7:
After tearing off in the first random direction that came to mind, Aragorn has gotten the Fellowship lost and they are driving around in circles trying to find a gas station...
"This is the THIRD TIME we've driven past that record store!" grumbled Legolas, who had a large lump on his head from being hit with an extra- large free-range organic chicken egg. "Admit it, you don't know where the hell you're going."
"I'm NOT lost! I know exactly where I am!"
"Fine! Where are we then?"
"Umm..."
"See! You ARE lost! Do we have a map of this place somewhere?"
Gandalf began digging in the glove compartment. "Let me see...We have a map of Iowa, a map of Florida, a map of Disney Land, a map of southern Texas, a map of Nome, Alaska, the 1954 edition of the 'Wyoming Road Atlas,' and 'A United States Tour Guide for Dummies.' We do NOT have a map of the Bay Area."
Suddenly the Eurovan made a sputtering sound, and stopped moving.
"*&%$! We're out of gas!" muttered Aragorn. "We'll have to get out and push."
"Push where? In circles? We still don't know where we're going!" snapped Legolas. "Let's just call a tow-truck or something."
"Mr. Frodo is not pushing ANYTHING!" said Sam threateningly.
Just then, Aragorn's cell phone rang. Typically, after several frantic minutes of hunting through his luggage, it was discovered in his pocket. The conversation went something like this:
Aragorn: Hello.
Agent Laire: *freaky heavy breathing*
Aragorn: Hello?
Agent Laire: *more freaky heavy breathing*
Aragorn: HELLO?!?! WILL YOU *&%#ING SAY SOMETHING?!
Agent Laire: SEVEN MINUTES!!
Aragorn: What?!?!
Agent Laire: You heard me. *click*
"Who was that?" asked Gimli.
"I don't know, and I don't want to know!" said Aragorn shakily. "I wonder how they got my number?"
*The author gulps guiltily* Seven minutes later...
Legolas suddenly and inexplicably stood up, hitting his head on the roof of the Eurovan, "SOMETHING DRAWS NEAR!! I CAN FEEL IT!!!"
"How much hobbit weed have you had..." asked Aragorn suspiciously.
"Shh!" hissed Gandalf. "I hear something!"
The Fellowship held their collective breath and listened intently. Faint shrieks could be heard in the distance, and they were gradually getting louder.
"IT'S FANGIRLS!" yelled Legolas. "RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Frodo squeaked and fainted. Sam pulled out his frying pan and stood over him looking fierce. Merry and Pippin dived under their seats, and Aragorn and Legolas ran around in circles screaming. Gandalf and Gimli, however, didn't look too concerned. I wonder why? *cough*
Boromir, being dead, wasn't very worried either. "Look dudes, there's no way the author can bash Peter Jackson if we have to escape from fangirls in the next chapter..." it was good advice, but no one was listening.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" said Legolas and Aragorn, still running in circles.
Suddenly, a large card board box fell out of the sky in front of Aragorn, bringing him up short. "What the hell..." he gasped. Legolas plowed into him from behind and bowled him over.
A few seconds later a brick with a note wrapped around it followed, and hit Legolas on the head, knocking him out.
"The fangirls are getting closer!!!" shouted Merry, sticking his head out. "Shouldn't we DO something besides stand around like a bunch of brainless peacocks?"
"I'm not--" began Aragorn, but he didn't get to finish, because "READ THE NOTE, IDIOT!!!!" had just appeared in the sky in large green letters. "Fine! Fine!" he muttered, and opened the note. It said:
Dear Fellowship,
The box that just fell out of the sky contains the only thing that we know of that stops fangirls. We would come save you ourselves, except that we are busy toilet papering the Pentagon, so you'll just have to cope. TRY not to be your normal boneheaded selves and screw things up.
ANARCHY!
Galadriel-in-disguise
electrocuted-elf
Usagi
Makiyo
Kiki-chan (a.k.a. BLANK) P.S. The brick was Usagi's idea.
Aragorn quickly opened the box. It contained twenty cans of-
"Cheez-Whiz?!?!?!" asked Gandalf incredulously, peering over his shoulder.
Just then, the fangirls, led by Agents Lem&Laire rounded the last corner saw the Fellowship. They started yelling things like "GIMME FRODO!" and "LEGSY'S MINE!"
"It's now or never!" shouted Aragorn, and opened fire, spraying Cheez-Whiz in all directions. It took effect immediately. The fangirls it hit turned weird colors and passed out with a lot of loud screaming and flailing around.
"SKILLS!" he yelled. "All you guys are busy being wimps, unconscious, overprotective, insubstantial, or apathetic, so I get to defeat an entire fangirl army ALL BY MY SELF! GO MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" After Aragorn decimated ¾ of their army, the rest of the fangirls fled shrieking into the distance, and eventually got arrested for trespassing on Travis Air Force base.
"Two, four, six, eight! Who do we appreciate!?!" sang Aragorn, doing a little victory dance.
"Aragorn, stop acting like a hobbit on a sugar high!" snapped Gandalf. "Now, can I call attention to-"
"Oh, a hobbit on a sugar high is MUCH worse!" said Pippin, crawling out from under the seat. "If we have any marshmallows I could demonstrate..."
Gandalf ignored him. "What I was GOING to say, is that we are still lost and out of gas! Now, are we going to do anything about this, or have you're brains suddenly fallen out of you're ears and rendered you more incapable of coherent thought than you already are?!"
"Whoa, too many big words," said Merry.
Gandalf was about to do something very violent involving a certain hobbit and some large explosions, but a twenty-gallon barrel of gas fell out of the sky and knocked him out.
"Oh great! THREE unconscious people!" grumbled Gimli.
"Look on the bright side," said Sam in an annoyingly cheerful voice. "At least we can start the car again. All though we ARE still lost..." A map fell out of the sky and hit him on the head. "Okaaaaaaaay."
* * * * * * * * *
After the Fellowship had left in search of greener pastures, i.e. the nearest McDonalds, Agent Lem and Agent Laire crept out from behind the conveniently placed trash cans where they had taken cover when they realized Aragorn was armed with Cheez-Whiz.
"We were SO CLOSE!" wailed Agent Lem. "Stupid Anarchists!! Now I'll never get Sam!"
"Stop whining!" snapped Agent Laire. "It's not over yet, or have you forgotten plan B?"
"Oh yeah..." ********************************************************
That's all very well, but I've no idea what plan B is. Oh well. I'm going to spend the next few chapters bashing P.J. and 'The Dead' anyway. So did you like this chapter? If you didn't, please tell me! I'm a little disturbed that I've only gotten one negative review. I mean, this story isn't THAT good... To my reviewers: (FIFTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*fireworks*)
Lady Lanet: You live in Washington? Cool! I did, but...now I live in California. Washinton is better though!! P.S. I know it doesn't rain CONSTANTLY there, but it rains A LOT...I think I read somewhere that it's the wettest state in the continental U.S.
Mousie2: My Christmas was great. Everything I got was related to LOTR in some way...And I'm totally going to get Aragorn before you do. Even if I don't, I still have a LARGE poster of him I can stare at! ^_^
Miss Perfects Shadow: Thanks for reading my story! I hope it didn't leave you mentally damaged or anything...some fanfiction does that.
Ainu Laire: You have a ring TOO!?!? Everyone has one except me! *sniff* Oh well. At least I have my Aragorn bookmark. I'm not precisely a Democrat...I'm more of a socialist, or an anarchist, but I definitely think Arnold Schwarzenegger has no business being governor of ANYTHING, let alone the state I inhabit!!
Terra Nova: *BOING BOING BOING* Merry Christmas to you too! (And no, I have not suddenly morphed into Tigger...)
electrocuted elf: Yes, IT IS COME TO THIS. That is, if THIS means having to write pointless squabbling into every review...This is like arguing over who is better, Aragorn or Boromir. We should stop...your environmentalist peacenik elfie dudes rock! I wish I had made them up! Don't worry, I won't steal them. UPDATE YOUR FANFIC!!!!
lemluvspirates: Well, you got blasted with Cheez-Whiz by Aragorn, but don't worry! There's still Plan B. And Plan C. And D. And E....I have no idea what they ARE, but they EXIST. At least I have until like, chapter 11 to think of something.
More Later