Disclaimer: Je suis une fromage!!!!!!!!!!
Aragorn: Tu sont? Moi aussi!
Pippin: o.O Vous parlez francais??!?
Aragorn: Oui, idiot!
Everyone else: STOP IT WITH THE FRENCH, DUDES!!
A/n: I saw ROTK for the third time. Not that any of you CARE. Read my other fic if you haven't already. And I know the Patricia thing is lame. I couldn't think of anything else.
Chapter 9:
In some random parking lot in Golden Gate Park...
"We have to ditch the cars," said Elladan.
The Fellowship looked wistfully at their Eurovan.
"Ditch the cars?" asked Merry in a small voice. "But Patricia will get lonely out here all by herself."
Elladan looked confused. "Who the hell's Patricia?"
"The Eurovan," said Merry, beginning to sniffle.
"You named our Eurovan PATRICIA!?!" asked Legolas disgustedly.
Merry started to bawl.
Aragorn rolled his eyes "There's no need to cry Merry! I'm sure Petunia-"
"Patricia!!" interrupted Merry
"Fine! I'm sure PATRICIA will be perfectly all right if we leave her here for a few days."
"No she won't!" sobbed Merry. "What if it rains, or a TREE falls on her, or she gets STOLEN!"
Aragorn tried to look reassuring, instead of like someone who wanted to kick Merry over yonder outhouse. "First of all, Patricia is a CAR/VAN! She won't melt if she gets a little wet. Second, the nearest tree is over there!" he pointed to a row of seedlings that Patricia could easily have rolled right over with no adverse effects whatsoever. "Third, NO ONE WOULD STEAL AN UGLY PINK EUROVAN WITH NO STEREO AND A LARGE SCORCH MARK ON THE FRONT SEAT!!!!"
Merry, now totally hysterical, ignored him.
Legolas groaned. "Are you guys sure we can't just bring the stupid thing with us?"
"Unfortunately, yes," said Elrohir. "The entrance to the Paths of the Dead Heads is inside a drinking fountain. The Eurovan would never fit."
Gandalf scratched his head. "How do you enter a drinking fountain?"
"You don't," said Elladan, glaring at Elrohir. "You hack the drinking fountain into tiny pieces and lower yourself down the resulting hole on a piece of magic elfie rope."
Elrohir made a face at Elladan. "You forgot the earmuffs!"
"Earmuffs?"
"Yah! The earmuffs! Ya know..." Elrohir crossed his eyes and poked himself hard in the forehead.
"Oh! The EARMUFFS! Now I understand! Do you Gandalf?"
"Yes," said Gandalf, although he didn't have a clue.
"Good!" said Elladan. "Is everyone ready to go?"
"Yes," said Elrohir and Halbarad.
"YES!" shouted the rangers. "WE'RE MEN, WE'RE MEN IN--"
"SHUT UP YOU PONCES!!" bellowed Elladan. He turned and glared at the Fellowship.
"Yes!" said Sam hurriedly.
"Uh huh," said Gimli.
"Totally!" said Aragorn and Legolas, who had just finished tying Merry up with Gandalf's long underwear.
"I guess so," said Boromir.
"Irk," said Frodo.
"Yah!" said Pippin. "And stop being an @$$ Frodo! We all know you're faking!
"Noooooooooooo!" wailed Merry as he was dragged away. "I'll come back for you Patricia! Daddy loves you!"
"Get stuffed," muttered Aragorn.
* * * * * * * *
"Are you sure this is the right drinking fountain?" whined Halbarad.
"Of course I'm sure!" snapped Elladan. "And if you don't shut up I'll stick gum in your hair again!" Halbarad shut up.
The Fellowship stared at the drinking fountain. It looked ordinary enough. It was about three feet high, ugly, concrete, and with the normal amounts of graffiti and old gum stuck to the sides.
"So..." said Aragorn at last. "According to you, we have to destroy this drinking fountain to get to the paths of the deadheads."
"Umm, DUH!" said Elrohir.
"Well, what are we waiting for?!" shouted Gimli, he started to throw his ax at the drinking fountain, then remembered that it had been vaporized when he'd blown up the stereo.
"Dwarves!" muttered Elladan. "Have at it men! And NO SINGING!"
The rangers stuck out their tongues and started to whack at the drinking fountain with their swords. However, it was apparently made of mithril, or something equally hard, because their efforts had no effect whatsoever. After eleven rangers had stubbed their toes, gotten minor abrasions, or knocked themselves out, Gandalf lost patience.
"STAND BACK!" he thundered, brandishing his staff. There was a loud BANG and the drinking fountain disappeared in a cloud of blue smoke smelling strongly of anchovy pizza.
"Handy having a wizard around,' remarked Halbarad to the large purple oyster that had just materialized on his head.
Elrohir slapped him. "I told you to stay off the LSD's you freak!"
"FOR THE LAST TIME," bellowed Aragorn. "THIS FIC IS SUPPOSED TO BE DRUG FREE!"
Halbarad was trampled by a large T-Rex that had just arrived from the fourteenth dimension (i.e. he passed out) and Elrohir looked around sheepishly.
Suddenly, a large white rabbit popped out from under a parked car. "*&$%, I'm late!" it said, and disappeared down the hole where the drinking fountain had been.
"It's wabbit season!" shouted the rangers. They pulled out water pistols and attempted to fire down the hole, but being the stupid klutzes that they were, only succeeded in completely soaking everything within a twenty yard radius.
Elladan groaned, and put his head in his hands. "I should NEVER have let them watch Looney Toons!" he muttered.
"No sweat, bro," said Elrohir, trying to confiscate the water guns. "It was that or the Barney sing-along and--"
The rangers immediately dropped their water pistols and started to chant: "I LOVE YOU! YOU LOVE ME! LET'S CHASE ELLADAN UP A TREE!"
Elladan whimpered and began banging his head against a conveniently placed minivan.
Gandalf decided to do something before the situation could deteriorate further. He pulled a large orange megaphone from behind Pippins ear and started shouting random stuff in the black speech. Most of the rangers fell down and started twitching, which, if not good, was at least better than the singing. Meanwhile, Halbarad, who had been revived by all the water, ran around bitch slapping anyone who refused to shut up.
Finally, there was silence, except for Frodo, who was doing some kind of mime and muttering football commands under his breath, and Elladan, who was attempting to gnaw his own leg off, and being restrained by Aragorn and Gimli.
Legolas cleared his throat. "Ahem! Now that we are all MORE OR LESS settled down," he glared pointedly at Frodo, "are we going to actually ENTER the paths of the deadheads, or will we just stand around out here until we get attacked by mountain lions, rabid bears, wolves, tourists, park rangers, or something else equally frightening?"
Elrohir sighed. "Lego's got a point--"
"DON'T CALL ME THAT!" screeched Legolas.
"Whaaaaaaaaatever," said Elrohir, rolling his eyes. "Okay, you spastic basket cases, down the hole!"
The rangers attached lots and lots of rope to a large "KEEP OFF THE GRASS OR ELSE!" sign and began lowering themselves one by one down the hole while singing 'Row, row, row your boat' and 'Follow the yellow brick road' simultaneously. Elladan sort of gurgled and passed out, much to the relief of Aragorn and Gimli, who had between them sustained three black eyes, a sprained ankle, multiple scratches and bruises, seven cracked ribs, a minor concussion, and a copy of 'Playboy' stuffed up one nostril. I won't tell you whose nostril it was because the victim threatened to sue me and/or tell the FBI who flushed the President's teleprompter down the toilet right before his 'State of the Union' Speech. Sorry.
"WAIT!" yelled Elrohir suddenly, just as the last of the rangers disappeared down the hole. "YOU FORGOT YOU'RE EARMUFFS!" he smacked himself on the forehead. "This can't be good!"
**************************************************************************** **************
A/n: Sorry if that ending was a little awkward. I'll bash the Dead in the next chapter, I promise. Not that any of you care. I just kind of ran out of ideas and figured four pages was long enough for a chapter.
To my reviewers: (102!!!!!!!!!!!! I BROKE 100! I LOVE YOU ALL!)
partichicka74: Thanks. I enjoy positive reviews. *grins, crosses eyes and pokes self hard in forehead*
pherhyandoiel: YOU ARE REVIEWER #100! CONGRADULATIONS! YOU WIN A PART IN THE STORY WHETHER YOU WANT IT OR NOT!!!! I think it will involve the mysterious Plan B.
electrocuted elf: Pippin is NOT sexier than Aragorn. Do we have to go into this again?!? Gahhhhhhh! And why do you hate Tom Bombadil so much? What's he ever done to you eh? Whatever. I know his songs suck, but there's no need to get all hysterical...By the way, how many times has Erica seen ROTK? And I bet I know more Elvish than her, too! Who's more obsessed now?!? ^_^
Happy molecule: Living in California sucks right now. However, I can't vote so it's not my fault my leaders are idiots. *sigh* The rangers are really getting out of hand. I mean BARNEY?!?! Do you know where I could get some tranquilizers?
Saralitazie: Thanks for quoting the parts you liked. It helps me know what my reviewers want.
Ainu Laire: I know we're 100 billion dollars in debt. Arnold has not helped the debt at all. Whatever. I still hate him. The duct tape didn't work? Are you sure it was actually duct tape and not (as electrocuted-elf would say) fake-wannabe duct tape? I got slipped some of that once...
Kelsey: I actually think Peter Jackson's a cool guy. He like, revived LOTR. However, he did leave lotsa stuff out. And characters he left out might not LIKE him very much. Don't be scared of me and my friends. We're just a bunch of hyper nerds. We wouldn't really stand out in an intersection and egg SUV's. We've got too much homework. I AM a scary radical leftist prone to extreme political ranting at a moments notice. It's annoying the hell out of my history teacher.
pippinfan25: Wow, you really love hobbits. I would be disturbed, but since I wrote GO HOBBITS in my math notebook I can't really mock other hobbit fans. *sniff* I also write other random stuff in my notebooks, such as "Legolas: gay or not gay? That is the question."
CompliKated: Maybe I should make this PG13. I could, but I'm too lazy to change it. Thanks for telling me your favorite bits. It really helps.
Lovely Popcorn: Thanks *kicks lemon* I like your name!
Lady Lanet: Okay, here's more story. Hope you like it.
CheerCheerBubblegum: Sorry, they've left Oregon for good. I could still put you in though if you don't mind getting arrested. I need to drag those Oregon patrolmen dudes back into the story.
Mornie Utule: Yah! I love random!! Wheeeeeeeee! I think this chapter is randomer than the other ones.
Punk Hobbit: You can have Legolas, but I am totally getting Aragorn before anyone else! You've got a cool name too.
lemluvspirates: You can take over the world as soon as I finish blowing Peter Jackson into tiny, tiny pieces, and making him listen to Tom Bombadil's bad poetry for several hours. And when I perfect plan B. It's getting there...
Rain Elf: Of course you can be in the story again. It will be after they get back from New Zealand and defeat Plan B. You may end up stowing away in the trunk of Elrond's car or something.
Review people! And if you hated it, REVIEW ANYWAY!!!!!!!!! FLAME ME! I DON'T CARE!!!! *gasp, pant* I've only gotten 1 negative review out of 102. This can't be normal. SOMEONE must have hated my story. It's not THAT good. Of course, I like positive reviews more than negative ones, so if you liked it, TELL ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Aragorn: Tu sont? Moi aussi!
Pippin: o.O Vous parlez francais??!?
Aragorn: Oui, idiot!
Everyone else: STOP IT WITH THE FRENCH, DUDES!!
A/n: I saw ROTK for the third time. Not that any of you CARE. Read my other fic if you haven't already. And I know the Patricia thing is lame. I couldn't think of anything else.
Chapter 9:
In some random parking lot in Golden Gate Park...
"We have to ditch the cars," said Elladan.
The Fellowship looked wistfully at their Eurovan.
"Ditch the cars?" asked Merry in a small voice. "But Patricia will get lonely out here all by herself."
Elladan looked confused. "Who the hell's Patricia?"
"The Eurovan," said Merry, beginning to sniffle.
"You named our Eurovan PATRICIA!?!" asked Legolas disgustedly.
Merry started to bawl.
Aragorn rolled his eyes "There's no need to cry Merry! I'm sure Petunia-"
"Patricia!!" interrupted Merry
"Fine! I'm sure PATRICIA will be perfectly all right if we leave her here for a few days."
"No she won't!" sobbed Merry. "What if it rains, or a TREE falls on her, or she gets STOLEN!"
Aragorn tried to look reassuring, instead of like someone who wanted to kick Merry over yonder outhouse. "First of all, Patricia is a CAR/VAN! She won't melt if she gets a little wet. Second, the nearest tree is over there!" he pointed to a row of seedlings that Patricia could easily have rolled right over with no adverse effects whatsoever. "Third, NO ONE WOULD STEAL AN UGLY PINK EUROVAN WITH NO STEREO AND A LARGE SCORCH MARK ON THE FRONT SEAT!!!!"
Merry, now totally hysterical, ignored him.
Legolas groaned. "Are you guys sure we can't just bring the stupid thing with us?"
"Unfortunately, yes," said Elrohir. "The entrance to the Paths of the Dead Heads is inside a drinking fountain. The Eurovan would never fit."
Gandalf scratched his head. "How do you enter a drinking fountain?"
"You don't," said Elladan, glaring at Elrohir. "You hack the drinking fountain into tiny pieces and lower yourself down the resulting hole on a piece of magic elfie rope."
Elrohir made a face at Elladan. "You forgot the earmuffs!"
"Earmuffs?"
"Yah! The earmuffs! Ya know..." Elrohir crossed his eyes and poked himself hard in the forehead.
"Oh! The EARMUFFS! Now I understand! Do you Gandalf?"
"Yes," said Gandalf, although he didn't have a clue.
"Good!" said Elladan. "Is everyone ready to go?"
"Yes," said Elrohir and Halbarad.
"YES!" shouted the rangers. "WE'RE MEN, WE'RE MEN IN--"
"SHUT UP YOU PONCES!!" bellowed Elladan. He turned and glared at the Fellowship.
"Yes!" said Sam hurriedly.
"Uh huh," said Gimli.
"Totally!" said Aragorn and Legolas, who had just finished tying Merry up with Gandalf's long underwear.
"I guess so," said Boromir.
"Irk," said Frodo.
"Yah!" said Pippin. "And stop being an @$$ Frodo! We all know you're faking!
"Noooooooooooo!" wailed Merry as he was dragged away. "I'll come back for you Patricia! Daddy loves you!"
"Get stuffed," muttered Aragorn.
* * * * * * * *
"Are you sure this is the right drinking fountain?" whined Halbarad.
"Of course I'm sure!" snapped Elladan. "And if you don't shut up I'll stick gum in your hair again!" Halbarad shut up.
The Fellowship stared at the drinking fountain. It looked ordinary enough. It was about three feet high, ugly, concrete, and with the normal amounts of graffiti and old gum stuck to the sides.
"So..." said Aragorn at last. "According to you, we have to destroy this drinking fountain to get to the paths of the deadheads."
"Umm, DUH!" said Elrohir.
"Well, what are we waiting for?!" shouted Gimli, he started to throw his ax at the drinking fountain, then remembered that it had been vaporized when he'd blown up the stereo.
"Dwarves!" muttered Elladan. "Have at it men! And NO SINGING!"
The rangers stuck out their tongues and started to whack at the drinking fountain with their swords. However, it was apparently made of mithril, or something equally hard, because their efforts had no effect whatsoever. After eleven rangers had stubbed their toes, gotten minor abrasions, or knocked themselves out, Gandalf lost patience.
"STAND BACK!" he thundered, brandishing his staff. There was a loud BANG and the drinking fountain disappeared in a cloud of blue smoke smelling strongly of anchovy pizza.
"Handy having a wizard around,' remarked Halbarad to the large purple oyster that had just materialized on his head.
Elrohir slapped him. "I told you to stay off the LSD's you freak!"
"FOR THE LAST TIME," bellowed Aragorn. "THIS FIC IS SUPPOSED TO BE DRUG FREE!"
Halbarad was trampled by a large T-Rex that had just arrived from the fourteenth dimension (i.e. he passed out) and Elrohir looked around sheepishly.
Suddenly, a large white rabbit popped out from under a parked car. "*&$%, I'm late!" it said, and disappeared down the hole where the drinking fountain had been.
"It's wabbit season!" shouted the rangers. They pulled out water pistols and attempted to fire down the hole, but being the stupid klutzes that they were, only succeeded in completely soaking everything within a twenty yard radius.
Elladan groaned, and put his head in his hands. "I should NEVER have let them watch Looney Toons!" he muttered.
"No sweat, bro," said Elrohir, trying to confiscate the water guns. "It was that or the Barney sing-along and--"
The rangers immediately dropped their water pistols and started to chant: "I LOVE YOU! YOU LOVE ME! LET'S CHASE ELLADAN UP A TREE!"
Elladan whimpered and began banging his head against a conveniently placed minivan.
Gandalf decided to do something before the situation could deteriorate further. He pulled a large orange megaphone from behind Pippins ear and started shouting random stuff in the black speech. Most of the rangers fell down and started twitching, which, if not good, was at least better than the singing. Meanwhile, Halbarad, who had been revived by all the water, ran around bitch slapping anyone who refused to shut up.
Finally, there was silence, except for Frodo, who was doing some kind of mime and muttering football commands under his breath, and Elladan, who was attempting to gnaw his own leg off, and being restrained by Aragorn and Gimli.
Legolas cleared his throat. "Ahem! Now that we are all MORE OR LESS settled down," he glared pointedly at Frodo, "are we going to actually ENTER the paths of the deadheads, or will we just stand around out here until we get attacked by mountain lions, rabid bears, wolves, tourists, park rangers, or something else equally frightening?"
Elrohir sighed. "Lego's got a point--"
"DON'T CALL ME THAT!" screeched Legolas.
"Whaaaaaaaaatever," said Elrohir, rolling his eyes. "Okay, you spastic basket cases, down the hole!"
The rangers attached lots and lots of rope to a large "KEEP OFF THE GRASS OR ELSE!" sign and began lowering themselves one by one down the hole while singing 'Row, row, row your boat' and 'Follow the yellow brick road' simultaneously. Elladan sort of gurgled and passed out, much to the relief of Aragorn and Gimli, who had between them sustained three black eyes, a sprained ankle, multiple scratches and bruises, seven cracked ribs, a minor concussion, and a copy of 'Playboy' stuffed up one nostril. I won't tell you whose nostril it was because the victim threatened to sue me and/or tell the FBI who flushed the President's teleprompter down the toilet right before his 'State of the Union' Speech. Sorry.
"WAIT!" yelled Elrohir suddenly, just as the last of the rangers disappeared down the hole. "YOU FORGOT YOU'RE EARMUFFS!" he smacked himself on the forehead. "This can't be good!"
**************************************************************************** **************
A/n: Sorry if that ending was a little awkward. I'll bash the Dead in the next chapter, I promise. Not that any of you care. I just kind of ran out of ideas and figured four pages was long enough for a chapter.
To my reviewers: (102!!!!!!!!!!!! I BROKE 100! I LOVE YOU ALL!)
partichicka74: Thanks. I enjoy positive reviews. *grins, crosses eyes and pokes self hard in forehead*
pherhyandoiel: YOU ARE REVIEWER #100! CONGRADULATIONS! YOU WIN A PART IN THE STORY WHETHER YOU WANT IT OR NOT!!!! I think it will involve the mysterious Plan B.
electrocuted elf: Pippin is NOT sexier than Aragorn. Do we have to go into this again?!? Gahhhhhhh! And why do you hate Tom Bombadil so much? What's he ever done to you eh? Whatever. I know his songs suck, but there's no need to get all hysterical...By the way, how many times has Erica seen ROTK? And I bet I know more Elvish than her, too! Who's more obsessed now?!? ^_^
Happy molecule: Living in California sucks right now. However, I can't vote so it's not my fault my leaders are idiots. *sigh* The rangers are really getting out of hand. I mean BARNEY?!?! Do you know where I could get some tranquilizers?
Saralitazie: Thanks for quoting the parts you liked. It helps me know what my reviewers want.
Ainu Laire: I know we're 100 billion dollars in debt. Arnold has not helped the debt at all. Whatever. I still hate him. The duct tape didn't work? Are you sure it was actually duct tape and not (as electrocuted-elf would say) fake-wannabe duct tape? I got slipped some of that once...
Kelsey: I actually think Peter Jackson's a cool guy. He like, revived LOTR. However, he did leave lotsa stuff out. And characters he left out might not LIKE him very much. Don't be scared of me and my friends. We're just a bunch of hyper nerds. We wouldn't really stand out in an intersection and egg SUV's. We've got too much homework. I AM a scary radical leftist prone to extreme political ranting at a moments notice. It's annoying the hell out of my history teacher.
pippinfan25: Wow, you really love hobbits. I would be disturbed, but since I wrote GO HOBBITS in my math notebook I can't really mock other hobbit fans. *sniff* I also write other random stuff in my notebooks, such as "Legolas: gay or not gay? That is the question."
CompliKated: Maybe I should make this PG13. I could, but I'm too lazy to change it. Thanks for telling me your favorite bits. It really helps.
Lovely Popcorn: Thanks *kicks lemon* I like your name!
Lady Lanet: Okay, here's more story. Hope you like it.
CheerCheerBubblegum: Sorry, they've left Oregon for good. I could still put you in though if you don't mind getting arrested. I need to drag those Oregon patrolmen dudes back into the story.
Mornie Utule: Yah! I love random!! Wheeeeeeeee! I think this chapter is randomer than the other ones.
Punk Hobbit: You can have Legolas, but I am totally getting Aragorn before anyone else! You've got a cool name too.
lemluvspirates: You can take over the world as soon as I finish blowing Peter Jackson into tiny, tiny pieces, and making him listen to Tom Bombadil's bad poetry for several hours. And when I perfect plan B. It's getting there...
Rain Elf: Of course you can be in the story again. It will be after they get back from New Zealand and defeat Plan B. You may end up stowing away in the trunk of Elrond's car or something.
Review people! And if you hated it, REVIEW ANYWAY!!!!!!!!! FLAME ME! I DON'T CARE!!!! *gasp, pant* I've only gotten 1 negative review out of 102. This can't be normal. SOMEONE must have hated my story. It's not THAT good. Of course, I like positive reviews more than negative ones, so if you liked it, TELL ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!