A/n: Due to the fact that--
Disclaimer: Hey, what about me?
A/n: You're not important.
Disclaimer: Are too!
A/n: Are NOT. No one reads you, you know.
Disclaimer: And you think people read YOU? I have news for you buddy...
Galadriel-in-disguise: Oh my GOD! Is my author's note really arguing with my disclaimer? This is totally stupid. Whatever. I'll just start the story.
Chapter 10:
"Hurry, people, we have to go after them!" said Elrohir frantically. "Everyone take a pair of earmuffs and follow me!" he jammed some pink fluffy ones on his head and jumped down the hole.
The Fellowship looked at each other. Elladan gurgled.
"Earmuffs?" said Legolas.
"Yah, EARMUFFS!" said Elrohir, sticking his head back up. "Now put some on and get your @$$#$ down here!"
The Fellowship shrugged and began stuffing the twitching Elladan and Merry down the hole. Sam went to collect Frodo, who had climbed a tree and was trying to communicate with some invisible green monkeys.
"You have to come down now, Mr. Frodo!" said Sam.
Frodo made some unintelligible noises and stuck out his tongue.
"Now, Now, Mr. Frodo--"
"Frodo!" interrupted Gandalf. "If you don't come down here RIGHT NOW, I'm going to inform the nearest fangirl cult of your location!!"
Frodo squeaked and fell out of the tree. He was immediately tackled by Legolas and Aragorn, who stuffed him into a pair of earmuffs and dropped him down the hole.
"The next time he starts acting weird, I swear I'm going to KICK his skinny ass over the MOON!" muttered Gandalf.
"But Mr. Frodo is suffering from post traumatic stress disorder!" whined Sam.
Legolas snorted. "Frodo is FAKING post traumatic stress disorder in order to get out of doing stuff. There's a distinct difference."
"Sam!" said Aragorn, thrusting a pair of earmuffs at him. "Stop whining about your relationship problems with Frodo and get down that hole!"
Sam sulkily donned the proffered earmuffs and climbed sulkily down the hole, which I am now going to call Mauna Loa because I'm tired of calling it just 'the hole'.
"I am NOT gay!" muttered Sam sulkily. "I'm not! I'm married! I've got thirteen kids! Does that sound gay to you?!"
Legolas stuck his head down the h--I mean Mauna Loa. "Sam! It's the twenty- first century/fourth age. It's okay to be gay! I mean, we drove right through the Castro not three hours ago..."
Sam sulkily ignored him.
"Alright, everyone follow Sam!" said Gandalf. "We've been hanging around this stupid park long enough. Have you forgotten the cops are after us?"
"They are?" asked Boromir.
"Fool of a dude from Gondor!" muttered Gandalf as he jumped into Mauna Loa.
*Okay! That sounded wrong. Due to the fact that I don't want any of my readers thinking that Gandalf makes a habit of jumping into volcanoes, I am now going to call Mauna Loa 'Bootstrap Bill'*
So anyway, the rest of the Fellowship climbed, jumped, and/or slithered down the hole formerly know as Mauna Loa, now called Bootstrap Bill. There was a bit of trouble when Gimli got stuck, but Gandalf and Pippin jumped on his head and he got down in the end.
* * * * * * * *
In the hole...I mean Bootstrap Bill. WHATEVER!
"Dude, it's totally dark in here!" said Boromir unnecessarily.
"Hello! It's MY job to state the annoyingly obvious!" snapped Legolas.
"Radioactive staff time!" said Gandalf happily. He whacked his staff against the wall. It sort of popped and started glowing a nauseating shade of green, not unlike the color of the fluorescent lighting in certain public bathrooms.
Sam stared around sulkily in awe. "Now there's an eye opener and no mistake!"
Everyone else raised a collective eyebrow. They were in a sort of concrete tunnel thing which for some reason had broken lamp shades and toilet seats glued to the ceiling. The walls were totally covered in shampoo adds except for a large blank space between 'Herbal Essence' and 'Pantene Pro-v' where someone had scrawled "IGGY WAS HERE!!" in what appeared to be purple crayon.
"Whaaaaaaaatever Sam," said Gimli after a moment.
"Time to go where no man has gone before!" declared Gandalf, brandishing his staff and nearly decapitating Legolas.
"What if Iggy was a man?" asked Frodo.
"HAH! I KNEW YOU WERE FAKING!" bellowed Pippin.
"Fine, I was faking," said Frodo sulkily.
"SULKILY IS MY WORD!" yelled Sam.
"We were faking too!" chirped Merry and Elladan.
"I think we've all come to a very nice place!" said Boromir. "Physically...emotionally...grammatically..."
"DO NOT QUOTE JACK SPARROW!" bellowed Legolas.
"That's CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow to you, mate!"
"How did you get here?" asked Pippin, gaping at the large hairy pirate dangling from the ceiling.
"How the hell should I know?" muttered Jack, and vanished in shower of orange confetti.
"I think Iggy was likely an ent!" said Gandalf brightly.
"Huh?" said everyone else.
Suddenly a small green furry thing jumped out of a nearby dumpster (don't ask me where that came from) and started yelling loudly about income tax.
"Who are you?" asked Gandalf.
"I'm Iggy!" said the small furry thing. "Don't hate the playah, hate the game!"
"That's...nice," said Gandalf warily.
"Hey, FOOL! Nobody talks that way to IGGY ESCOBAR, knaamean?" it launched itself at Gandalf and bit him on the ankle. Hard.
"Ahhh! Rabies! RABIES!!" hollered Gandalf.
Aragorn rolled his eyes. "Whatever! Come on dudes, let's go find Elrohir."
"WAIT FOR ME!" yelled Gandalf at their receding backs. He turned the still squawking Iggy into a large cabbage and hurried after them.
Iggy the cabbage harrumphed and began muttering about income tax again.
* * * * * * * *
It took a while to find Elrohir. The farther they went down the tunnel, the weirder things started to get. In the first ten minutes after their encounter with Iggy, they passed a hair salon, a gigantic shrine to Oprah, Ronald McDonald selling E.T. dolls (Legolas bought one) Judge Judy, and a walking, talking glass of eggnog. Then they tried to take a detour around a troop of rabid, three-headed girl scouts selling cookies and spent twenty minutes lost in something that looked a lot like Toys 'R' Us, except with more moose. FINALLY, after dodging a pack of maroon taxi cabs driven by Mr. Spock clones and narrowly escaping being crushed by what appeared to be Godzilla's grandmother, they found Elrohir.
He was standing in front of a large statue of Sponge Bob giving the rangers a very large piece of his mind.
"...NO EARMUFFS, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? I SHOULD NEVER HAVE BROUGHT YOU ALONG IN THE--" he stopped his tirade when he saw the approaching Fellowship.
The rangers immediately began square dancing to "Turkey in the Straw", while Halbarad played the fiddle.
Elrohir groaned and started yelling again. "IF YOU DON'T SHUT THE HELL UP RIGHT NOW I'LL FEED YOU TO THOSE MUTATED SEASAME STREET CHARACTERS OVER THERE."
The rangers started to act out scenes from "Hamlet" without sound.
"That'll have to do!" muttered Elrohir.
"What the hell is going on here?!" demanded Aragorn. "This is supposed to be the paths of the deadheads, right? Well I haven't seen any deadheads the whole freaking time I've been down here! I have seen pretty much everything else though, including a life sized photo of the entire executive branch of the U.S. government IN THE NUDE, which I totally could have done without!"
"Yeah, well...capitalism's taking over everything," said Elrohir. "This entire section of the Paths didn't exist until about the eighties."
"What happened in the eighties?" asked Gandalf.
Elrohir shrugged. "Unemployment, straight leg jeans, the cold war, Reagan, skinny ties, Madonna, Bush # 1, shoulder pads, yuppies, glorification of the stock market, Aids, the Moral Majority, the death of John Lennon, the defeat of the Equal Rights Amendment, Michael Jackson, the arms race, bad sitcoms, Jean Kirkpatrick, general obsession with nukes, the invention of the term plausible deniability..."
"Okay, okay, you can stop now!" said Gandalf hurriedly.
"So where'd the deadheads go?" asked Aragorn.
"And why do we have to wear earmuffs!?!" whined Pippin.
"Inside each earmuff is hidden 0.345 pounds of plastic explosives!" said Elladan cheerfully. "We're using them to smuggle it past customs!"
"I'm wearing plastic explosives on my HEAD?!" asked a horrified Aragorn.
"Customs?" said Legolas quickly.
"Yah, customs!" said Elrohir. He pointed to a long line of people waiting to go through metal detectors and being swarmed over by security guards in ugly blue suits. "You have to go through that to get to the REAL paths of the deadheads."
"Well, at least we didn't bring much luggage." said Gimli.
"Speak for your self!" said Legolas. He pulled three steamer trunks, a duffle bag, and two briefcases out of his pocket.
"Elves!" muttered Gimli.
* * * * * * * *
"And where are you going today?" asked a security guard.
"New Zealand," said Elladan.
"Business or pleasure?"
"Whichever looks more aesthetically pleasing on your stupid form," said Elrohir.
Three more security guards came running up. Two began wanding Merry and the other started interrogating Aragorn.
"Where do you live? Where does your girlfriend live? What's your favorite food? Boxers or briefs? How many pounds of brussel sprouts do you consume in one day? Have you ever had sex with a sheep? What's the average wingspan of a German Ostrich? How many hamburgers can you fit inside a small submarine?"
"Give it a rest Phil!" said the first security guard. Phil stalked off muttering about his Union membership.
"Aha!" said one of the security guards searching Merry. "This is an ILLEGAL MUSHROOM! Sound the alarm!" he began blowing loudly on a kazoo.
The Fellowship was instantly buried under a cascade of security guards bound and determined to discover more contraband fungi.
"Oh, #$&!" muttered Elladan. "We'll be here all night at this rate!"
Then Elrohir had an idea. "Look!" he yelled. "There's Harry Potter! I think he's giving out signed photos!"
Instant chaos. Everyone in earshot began running around looking for Harry Potter and bumping into each other. The security guards ran off to try to restore order, and our heroes decided to make a run for it.
"This way!" shouted Elladan. He took off towards a set of large, black, double doors beyond the swarm of security guards and civilians. The Fellowship and the rangers followed, bowling innocent bystanders over right and left and smashing through the metal detectors, setting all of them off and adding to the general pandemonium.
"Once we get through those doors," yelled Elrohir, trying to make himself heard over the rising decibel level "we can't make any noise at all until we come out the other side. If we do, it'll bring the deadheads down on us, and believe me, you DON'T want that to happen!" That said, they all crashed through the doors into the silent, dark, tunnel beyond...
BUM BUM BUUUUUUM!!!!
* * * * * * * *
Even though it would be totally impossible in real life for thirty rangers, four hobbits, three elves, a wizard, a dwarf, the king of Gondor, and a ghost to walk around in total darkness without making ANY noise at all, this is not actually real life, so they DID manage it for a while, until...
"OUCH! MERRY, YOU STEPPED ON MY FOOT!!" shouted Pippin.
"FOOL OF AN ASSHOLE TOOK!" shouted everyone else, right before they were all dive bombed by bats.
"Ahhhhh! They're getting in my HAIR!" shrieked Legolas. "And I left my new shampoo in customs! Nooooooooooooooooo!"
"GRRR!" said Gandalf. "I can't see a bloody thing!" He did his radioactive staff trick. "That's better."
It was not, in fact, better. The light scared the bats off, but it plus all the shouting and running around had managed to wake up something much more unpleasant.
Suddenly a weird purple glow bloomed from the walls and the Fellowship realized what they were standing in the middle of. It was a concert, except that half the band was dead (like, actually dead, as in no longer alive) and the fans were a bunch of decaying zombies not dissimilar to the ones in POTC.
Then they heard the music.
"COME HEAR UNCLE JOHNS BAND, BY THE RIVER SIDE!" [Loud annoying drum solo that lasts forever, zombie fans go totally nuts]
"NOOOO!" wailed Elladan. "We're totally doomed! Thanks a LOT Pippin!"
The rangers started singing along "GOT SOME THINGS TO TALK ABOUT HERE BESIDE THE...", and Legolas, Frodo, and Gandalf passed out.
"Aragorn!" yelled Elrohir. "Have you still got your Britney Spears CD? It's our only hope!"
Aragorn stuck his copy of 'Oops, I did it again" into a boom box he had some how found.
"OOOOOOOOOOOOOPS IIIIIIIIIIIIIIII DIIIIIIID IIIIIIIIIIT AGAAAAAAAAIN!!" (static, loud unidentifiable bang, more static) came blasting out of the speakers and caused instant temporary deafness to everyone within ten miles. Now that the Fellowship could no longer hear the Grateful Dead, they were able to make a run for it.
Behind them, "YOU THINK I'M A FOOOOOOOOOOOOOL, IN (static) SOOOOO MANY WAAAAAAAAAAYS (boom box catches on fire) warred with "HE'S COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOME (bang) TO TAAAAAAAKE (guitar solo) HIS CHILDREEEEEEEEEEEN (exploding keyboard) HOOOOOOOOOOOOME!" as everything in the near vicinity started to spontaneously combust.
"And this, kids," said Gandalf conversationally, "is why you should never mix scary old guy music with teenage pop queens!"
"Shut up and run!" shouted everyone else.
**************************************************************************** **************************
A/n: CLIFFHANGER! This chapter wasn't too weird was it? I've been on a sugar high since six in the morning so some serious strangeness has been getting into my writing...
To my way totally cool reviewers:
tuxiedog2: Yes, I've been on some really bad road trips, but let's not get into that...
mousie2: You're friend knows Miranda Otto? Totally not fair! I'll still get Aragorn first...somehow *sniff* I now have fifteen pictures of him in my bedroom! How many do YOU have? (Rock on...) Yeah.
pherhyandoiel: Of course you can be a Gimli fangirl!
happy molecule: Okay, I'll try e-bay. Maybe I should just feed the rangers to gigantic platypuses though...much cheaper.
BURN THE R.U.M.: Aragorn! *drools* Yah! I'm WAAAAY strange!
electrocuted-elf: I bashed the Dead, FINALLY. Victimizing Legolas is so fun. Don't know why.
Midnight-Insomniac1532: Glad you like it! *grins and leaves to stalk Viggo*
DaredevilX: Thanks! Party on dude!
OfficialMissPerfect2004: I'm the most hilarious person you've ever met? Seriously? Wow! Having fans is cool!
Ainu Laire: I think I'll just over through the government so we can stop arguing about this. ^_^ Glad the Ultra-duct tape stuff worked.
CheerCheerBubbleGum: Thanks! Does a week count as soon? Probably not.
Mornie Utule: Earmuffs=Very important! Remember that now! *somewhere in an alternate dimension Britney and the Dead are still at war*
lemluvspirates: Yah, purple polka dots sound way fun! I don't know if you'll actually ever GET Sam. I could have you kidnap him, but then electrocuted-elf would accuse me of copying her. And she might pull out large chunks of my hair. She does that when she's mad. Like the other day when I called Pippin Ronald Reagan...okay, I'm babbling.
Saralitazie: BOING! *explodes* I WISH I could flush the Presidents teleprompter...Anyway, much thanks.
Disclaimer: Hey, what about me?
A/n: You're not important.
Disclaimer: Are too!
A/n: Are NOT. No one reads you, you know.
Disclaimer: And you think people read YOU? I have news for you buddy...
Galadriel-in-disguise: Oh my GOD! Is my author's note really arguing with my disclaimer? This is totally stupid. Whatever. I'll just start the story.
Chapter 10:
"Hurry, people, we have to go after them!" said Elrohir frantically. "Everyone take a pair of earmuffs and follow me!" he jammed some pink fluffy ones on his head and jumped down the hole.
The Fellowship looked at each other. Elladan gurgled.
"Earmuffs?" said Legolas.
"Yah, EARMUFFS!" said Elrohir, sticking his head back up. "Now put some on and get your @$$#$ down here!"
The Fellowship shrugged and began stuffing the twitching Elladan and Merry down the hole. Sam went to collect Frodo, who had climbed a tree and was trying to communicate with some invisible green monkeys.
"You have to come down now, Mr. Frodo!" said Sam.
Frodo made some unintelligible noises and stuck out his tongue.
"Now, Now, Mr. Frodo--"
"Frodo!" interrupted Gandalf. "If you don't come down here RIGHT NOW, I'm going to inform the nearest fangirl cult of your location!!"
Frodo squeaked and fell out of the tree. He was immediately tackled by Legolas and Aragorn, who stuffed him into a pair of earmuffs and dropped him down the hole.
"The next time he starts acting weird, I swear I'm going to KICK his skinny ass over the MOON!" muttered Gandalf.
"But Mr. Frodo is suffering from post traumatic stress disorder!" whined Sam.
Legolas snorted. "Frodo is FAKING post traumatic stress disorder in order to get out of doing stuff. There's a distinct difference."
"Sam!" said Aragorn, thrusting a pair of earmuffs at him. "Stop whining about your relationship problems with Frodo and get down that hole!"
Sam sulkily donned the proffered earmuffs and climbed sulkily down the hole, which I am now going to call Mauna Loa because I'm tired of calling it just 'the hole'.
"I am NOT gay!" muttered Sam sulkily. "I'm not! I'm married! I've got thirteen kids! Does that sound gay to you?!"
Legolas stuck his head down the h--I mean Mauna Loa. "Sam! It's the twenty- first century/fourth age. It's okay to be gay! I mean, we drove right through the Castro not three hours ago..."
Sam sulkily ignored him.
"Alright, everyone follow Sam!" said Gandalf. "We've been hanging around this stupid park long enough. Have you forgotten the cops are after us?"
"They are?" asked Boromir.
"Fool of a dude from Gondor!" muttered Gandalf as he jumped into Mauna Loa.
*Okay! That sounded wrong. Due to the fact that I don't want any of my readers thinking that Gandalf makes a habit of jumping into volcanoes, I am now going to call Mauna Loa 'Bootstrap Bill'*
So anyway, the rest of the Fellowship climbed, jumped, and/or slithered down the hole formerly know as Mauna Loa, now called Bootstrap Bill. There was a bit of trouble when Gimli got stuck, but Gandalf and Pippin jumped on his head and he got down in the end.
* * * * * * * *
In the hole...I mean Bootstrap Bill. WHATEVER!
"Dude, it's totally dark in here!" said Boromir unnecessarily.
"Hello! It's MY job to state the annoyingly obvious!" snapped Legolas.
"Radioactive staff time!" said Gandalf happily. He whacked his staff against the wall. It sort of popped and started glowing a nauseating shade of green, not unlike the color of the fluorescent lighting in certain public bathrooms.
Sam stared around sulkily in awe. "Now there's an eye opener and no mistake!"
Everyone else raised a collective eyebrow. They were in a sort of concrete tunnel thing which for some reason had broken lamp shades and toilet seats glued to the ceiling. The walls were totally covered in shampoo adds except for a large blank space between 'Herbal Essence' and 'Pantene Pro-v' where someone had scrawled "IGGY WAS HERE!!" in what appeared to be purple crayon.
"Whaaaaaaaatever Sam," said Gimli after a moment.
"Time to go where no man has gone before!" declared Gandalf, brandishing his staff and nearly decapitating Legolas.
"What if Iggy was a man?" asked Frodo.
"HAH! I KNEW YOU WERE FAKING!" bellowed Pippin.
"Fine, I was faking," said Frodo sulkily.
"SULKILY IS MY WORD!" yelled Sam.
"We were faking too!" chirped Merry and Elladan.
"I think we've all come to a very nice place!" said Boromir. "Physically...emotionally...grammatically..."
"DO NOT QUOTE JACK SPARROW!" bellowed Legolas.
"That's CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow to you, mate!"
"How did you get here?" asked Pippin, gaping at the large hairy pirate dangling from the ceiling.
"How the hell should I know?" muttered Jack, and vanished in shower of orange confetti.
"I think Iggy was likely an ent!" said Gandalf brightly.
"Huh?" said everyone else.
Suddenly a small green furry thing jumped out of a nearby dumpster (don't ask me where that came from) and started yelling loudly about income tax.
"Who are you?" asked Gandalf.
"I'm Iggy!" said the small furry thing. "Don't hate the playah, hate the game!"
"That's...nice," said Gandalf warily.
"Hey, FOOL! Nobody talks that way to IGGY ESCOBAR, knaamean?" it launched itself at Gandalf and bit him on the ankle. Hard.
"Ahhh! Rabies! RABIES!!" hollered Gandalf.
Aragorn rolled his eyes. "Whatever! Come on dudes, let's go find Elrohir."
"WAIT FOR ME!" yelled Gandalf at their receding backs. He turned the still squawking Iggy into a large cabbage and hurried after them.
Iggy the cabbage harrumphed and began muttering about income tax again.
* * * * * * * *
It took a while to find Elrohir. The farther they went down the tunnel, the weirder things started to get. In the first ten minutes after their encounter with Iggy, they passed a hair salon, a gigantic shrine to Oprah, Ronald McDonald selling E.T. dolls (Legolas bought one) Judge Judy, and a walking, talking glass of eggnog. Then they tried to take a detour around a troop of rabid, three-headed girl scouts selling cookies and spent twenty minutes lost in something that looked a lot like Toys 'R' Us, except with more moose. FINALLY, after dodging a pack of maroon taxi cabs driven by Mr. Spock clones and narrowly escaping being crushed by what appeared to be Godzilla's grandmother, they found Elrohir.
He was standing in front of a large statue of Sponge Bob giving the rangers a very large piece of his mind.
"...NO EARMUFFS, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? I SHOULD NEVER HAVE BROUGHT YOU ALONG IN THE--" he stopped his tirade when he saw the approaching Fellowship.
The rangers immediately began square dancing to "Turkey in the Straw", while Halbarad played the fiddle.
Elrohir groaned and started yelling again. "IF YOU DON'T SHUT THE HELL UP RIGHT NOW I'LL FEED YOU TO THOSE MUTATED SEASAME STREET CHARACTERS OVER THERE."
The rangers started to act out scenes from "Hamlet" without sound.
"That'll have to do!" muttered Elrohir.
"What the hell is going on here?!" demanded Aragorn. "This is supposed to be the paths of the deadheads, right? Well I haven't seen any deadheads the whole freaking time I've been down here! I have seen pretty much everything else though, including a life sized photo of the entire executive branch of the U.S. government IN THE NUDE, which I totally could have done without!"
"Yeah, well...capitalism's taking over everything," said Elrohir. "This entire section of the Paths didn't exist until about the eighties."
"What happened in the eighties?" asked Gandalf.
Elrohir shrugged. "Unemployment, straight leg jeans, the cold war, Reagan, skinny ties, Madonna, Bush # 1, shoulder pads, yuppies, glorification of the stock market, Aids, the Moral Majority, the death of John Lennon, the defeat of the Equal Rights Amendment, Michael Jackson, the arms race, bad sitcoms, Jean Kirkpatrick, general obsession with nukes, the invention of the term plausible deniability..."
"Okay, okay, you can stop now!" said Gandalf hurriedly.
"So where'd the deadheads go?" asked Aragorn.
"And why do we have to wear earmuffs!?!" whined Pippin.
"Inside each earmuff is hidden 0.345 pounds of plastic explosives!" said Elladan cheerfully. "We're using them to smuggle it past customs!"
"I'm wearing plastic explosives on my HEAD?!" asked a horrified Aragorn.
"Customs?" said Legolas quickly.
"Yah, customs!" said Elrohir. He pointed to a long line of people waiting to go through metal detectors and being swarmed over by security guards in ugly blue suits. "You have to go through that to get to the REAL paths of the deadheads."
"Well, at least we didn't bring much luggage." said Gimli.
"Speak for your self!" said Legolas. He pulled three steamer trunks, a duffle bag, and two briefcases out of his pocket.
"Elves!" muttered Gimli.
* * * * * * * *
"And where are you going today?" asked a security guard.
"New Zealand," said Elladan.
"Business or pleasure?"
"Whichever looks more aesthetically pleasing on your stupid form," said Elrohir.
Three more security guards came running up. Two began wanding Merry and the other started interrogating Aragorn.
"Where do you live? Where does your girlfriend live? What's your favorite food? Boxers or briefs? How many pounds of brussel sprouts do you consume in one day? Have you ever had sex with a sheep? What's the average wingspan of a German Ostrich? How many hamburgers can you fit inside a small submarine?"
"Give it a rest Phil!" said the first security guard. Phil stalked off muttering about his Union membership.
"Aha!" said one of the security guards searching Merry. "This is an ILLEGAL MUSHROOM! Sound the alarm!" he began blowing loudly on a kazoo.
The Fellowship was instantly buried under a cascade of security guards bound and determined to discover more contraband fungi.
"Oh, #$&!" muttered Elladan. "We'll be here all night at this rate!"
Then Elrohir had an idea. "Look!" he yelled. "There's Harry Potter! I think he's giving out signed photos!"
Instant chaos. Everyone in earshot began running around looking for Harry Potter and bumping into each other. The security guards ran off to try to restore order, and our heroes decided to make a run for it.
"This way!" shouted Elladan. He took off towards a set of large, black, double doors beyond the swarm of security guards and civilians. The Fellowship and the rangers followed, bowling innocent bystanders over right and left and smashing through the metal detectors, setting all of them off and adding to the general pandemonium.
"Once we get through those doors," yelled Elrohir, trying to make himself heard over the rising decibel level "we can't make any noise at all until we come out the other side. If we do, it'll bring the deadheads down on us, and believe me, you DON'T want that to happen!" That said, they all crashed through the doors into the silent, dark, tunnel beyond...
BUM BUM BUUUUUUM!!!!
* * * * * * * *
Even though it would be totally impossible in real life for thirty rangers, four hobbits, three elves, a wizard, a dwarf, the king of Gondor, and a ghost to walk around in total darkness without making ANY noise at all, this is not actually real life, so they DID manage it for a while, until...
"OUCH! MERRY, YOU STEPPED ON MY FOOT!!" shouted Pippin.
"FOOL OF AN ASSHOLE TOOK!" shouted everyone else, right before they were all dive bombed by bats.
"Ahhhhh! They're getting in my HAIR!" shrieked Legolas. "And I left my new shampoo in customs! Nooooooooooooooooo!"
"GRRR!" said Gandalf. "I can't see a bloody thing!" He did his radioactive staff trick. "That's better."
It was not, in fact, better. The light scared the bats off, but it plus all the shouting and running around had managed to wake up something much more unpleasant.
Suddenly a weird purple glow bloomed from the walls and the Fellowship realized what they were standing in the middle of. It was a concert, except that half the band was dead (like, actually dead, as in no longer alive) and the fans were a bunch of decaying zombies not dissimilar to the ones in POTC.
Then they heard the music.
"COME HEAR UNCLE JOHNS BAND, BY THE RIVER SIDE!" [Loud annoying drum solo that lasts forever, zombie fans go totally nuts]
"NOOOO!" wailed Elladan. "We're totally doomed! Thanks a LOT Pippin!"
The rangers started singing along "GOT SOME THINGS TO TALK ABOUT HERE BESIDE THE...", and Legolas, Frodo, and Gandalf passed out.
"Aragorn!" yelled Elrohir. "Have you still got your Britney Spears CD? It's our only hope!"
Aragorn stuck his copy of 'Oops, I did it again" into a boom box he had some how found.
"OOOOOOOOOOOOOPS IIIIIIIIIIIIIIII DIIIIIIID IIIIIIIIIIT AGAAAAAAAAIN!!" (static, loud unidentifiable bang, more static) came blasting out of the speakers and caused instant temporary deafness to everyone within ten miles. Now that the Fellowship could no longer hear the Grateful Dead, they were able to make a run for it.
Behind them, "YOU THINK I'M A FOOOOOOOOOOOOOL, IN (static) SOOOOO MANY WAAAAAAAAAAYS (boom box catches on fire) warred with "HE'S COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOME (bang) TO TAAAAAAAKE (guitar solo) HIS CHILDREEEEEEEEEEEN (exploding keyboard) HOOOOOOOOOOOOME!" as everything in the near vicinity started to spontaneously combust.
"And this, kids," said Gandalf conversationally, "is why you should never mix scary old guy music with teenage pop queens!"
"Shut up and run!" shouted everyone else.
**************************************************************************** **************************
A/n: CLIFFHANGER! This chapter wasn't too weird was it? I've been on a sugar high since six in the morning so some serious strangeness has been getting into my writing...
To my way totally cool reviewers:
tuxiedog2: Yes, I've been on some really bad road trips, but let's not get into that...
mousie2: You're friend knows Miranda Otto? Totally not fair! I'll still get Aragorn first...somehow *sniff* I now have fifteen pictures of him in my bedroom! How many do YOU have? (Rock on...) Yeah.
pherhyandoiel: Of course you can be a Gimli fangirl!
happy molecule: Okay, I'll try e-bay. Maybe I should just feed the rangers to gigantic platypuses though...much cheaper.
BURN THE R.U.M.: Aragorn! *drools* Yah! I'm WAAAAY strange!
electrocuted-elf: I bashed the Dead, FINALLY. Victimizing Legolas is so fun. Don't know why.
Midnight-Insomniac1532: Glad you like it! *grins and leaves to stalk Viggo*
DaredevilX: Thanks! Party on dude!
OfficialMissPerfect2004: I'm the most hilarious person you've ever met? Seriously? Wow! Having fans is cool!
Ainu Laire: I think I'll just over through the government so we can stop arguing about this. ^_^ Glad the Ultra-duct tape stuff worked.
CheerCheerBubbleGum: Thanks! Does a week count as soon? Probably not.
Mornie Utule: Earmuffs=Very important! Remember that now! *somewhere in an alternate dimension Britney and the Dead are still at war*
lemluvspirates: Yah, purple polka dots sound way fun! I don't know if you'll actually ever GET Sam. I could have you kidnap him, but then electrocuted-elf would accuse me of copying her. And she might pull out large chunks of my hair. She does that when she's mad. Like the other day when I called Pippin Ronald Reagan...okay, I'm babbling.
Saralitazie: BOING! *explodes* I WISH I could flush the Presidents teleprompter...Anyway, much thanks.