Disclaimer: John Kerry is an evil waffler! I can't believe he won five
states!
A/n: Whatever. In case any of you don't know, "Stacy's Mom" is this REALLY ANNOYING song that everyone in my school has stuck in their head. And you only have to hear it once before it like, STICKS in your brain and you CAN'T GET IT OUT!!!
Chapter 12:
3:00 PM. About forty large slimy...somethings were walking through down town Wellington causing traffic accidents and mass panic.
"IT'S EVIL ALIENS FROM PLANET X!!!" screamed one old lady, tugging her furiously yapping poodle out of Aragorn's way.
"NO, IT'S A SCIENCE EXPERIMENT ESCAPED FROM THE LAB!" yelled someone else. "NOBODY BREATHE, THEY COULD BE BIOCONTAMINATED!"
"What the hell...?" wondered Legolas.
"HELP!!! NEO NAZI SECRET WEAPONS!!!!!"
"JESUS CHRIST, THEY'RE MUTATED GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS!!"
"Okaaaaaay," said Elladan. "I know we're like, totally caked with slime, but that's going a bit far."
"This stuff is starting to itch," grumbled Aragorn. "I want a bath."
"Oh my God!" said Boromir in mock surprise "Did ARAGORN just say the word BATH?? Is the world about to end or something?"
"Shut up!" snapped Aragorn. "Contrary to popular belief, I am NOT allergic to bathing! I washed my hair THREE TIMES during Lord of the Rings!"
"Oh, THREE TIMES in one year! You are an EPITOME of cleanliness, Aragorn! I bow to your superior personal hygiene!"
"Boromir! Stop mocking Aragorn's unwashed hair!" ordered Gandalf. "It's not like yours was much cleaner!"
"Well yah, but I didn't like FLIP it at the camera..."
Still bickering, they walked into a French restaurant, causing the customers to faint and the waiters to scream and barricade themselves in the kitchen with lots of sharp knives.
Meanwhile, on the street, chaos still rained. People were screaming and running away, running into each other, running in circles, running into traffic, and generally behaving like mutant pigeons with brain fever.
Any one with even a shred of common sense left was hightailing it for home as fast as they could possibly go.
"Come ON Stacey!" yelled a mother to her recalcitrant two year old.
In the restaurant, Halbarad, Elladan and Elrohir suddenly stopped stuffing themselves with food they had pilfered from unconscious customers.
"Oh, no! No! Please no!" gasped Elladan, turning the color of old oat meal.
"Not again!" whimpered Elrohir.
"What?" said Aragorn in confusion?
"That lady just said...the S word!" whispered Halbarad, pointing with a shaking finger. "Now we're all...DONE FOR!!!"
Aragorn began to ask just what the hell they were talking about, but was interrupted by, guess who, the rangers.
"STACEY'S MOM, HAS GOT IT GOING ON!" they bellowed. "SHE'S ALL I WANT, AND I'VE WAITED FOR SO LONG!"
"NOOOO!!! BAD!!!!! BAD IMAGES!!!!" wailed The Fellowship, the Twins, and Halbarad.
"STACEY CAN'T YOU SEE, YOU'RE JUST NOT THE GIRL FOR ME!"
"WE'RE F*&#^ING OUT OF HERE!!!!" yelled FTH, bolting out the door with the rangers in hot pursuit.
"I KNOW IT MAY BE WRONG, BUT I'M IN LOVE WITH STACEY'S MOM!!!"
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed FTH, trampling seizuring pedestrians as they pelted down the street.
"STACEY, DO YOU REMEMBER, WHEN I MOWED YOUR LAWN..."
FTH split up and dived for cover as a panicking business man flung himself into a phone booth and called the police.
"Uhh, Hello?" said random Wellington police officer #23. "Hello! Police?" gasped the businessman, whose name was Robert, "I'd like to report an alien invasion!!"
"Oh GOD, not another one on my shift!" muttered RWPO#23. "Sir, may I remind you the violent hallucinogens are considered illegal substances??"
"I'm not on drugs!" wailed Robert. "I swear to God, there's ten Martians being chased down the street by thirty other Martians singing something about some ones mother!"
"YOUR MOM CAME OUT WITH JUST A TOWEL ON!!"
"What the holy #$&%?" said the RWPO.
"See?" said Robert, holding onto the receiver for dear life as rampaging rangers slammed against the phone booth.
"I COULD TELL SHE LIKED ME BY THE WAY SHE STARED..."
RWOP#23 sighed. He didn't need this kind of thing on a Monday. "Nice, try Mister, now turn off the boom box. Do I even have to tell you that you can be prosecuted for prank-calling the police station?"
Robert was about to say something indignant and clichéd, but Boromir walked through the side of the phone booth and interrupted him.
"Greetings dude! Do you mind if I take shelter in this phone booth until the mob of American pop music crazed rangers has passed?"
"And there's a GHOST in here with me!" shouted Robert into the phone. "He's all medieval and DEAD and he's dripping ectoplasm everywhere!!"
"AND I KNOW YOU THINK IT'S JUST A FANTASY..."
RWOP#23 groaned and hung up.
"Hey, that's discrimination against ghosts, dude!!!" said Boromir accusingly. "That's not cool! Dead people have feelings too, you know!"
Robert gulped and muttered something about his stock broker, or possibly the WWF. He had had a very bad day so far and didn't feel like standing around in a phone booth listening to an irate ghost rant about the rights of metaphysical manifestations.
"BUT SINCE YOUR DAD WALKED OUT, YOUR MOM COULD USE A GUY LIKE MEEEEEEEEEEE!"
"SHUT THE *&$% UP, YOU FAIRIES!!" yelled Legolas from where he was sheltering under a park bench. "THAT IS THE WORST SONG IN THE ENTIRE *&#$%&^ UNIVERSE!! HAVEN'T YOU GUYS BEEN ANNOYING ENOUGH??"
The rangers apparently didn't think so, because they kept singing. "STACEY'S MOM, HAS GOT IT GOING ON!! STACEY'S MOM, HAS GOT IT GOING ON!!" They began doing the Macarena and chasing Gimli around, trying to pull his beard.
Sam surreptitiously stuck his head out of the trash can he was hiding in. "Psst, Leggy," he hissed.
"DON'T CALL ME THAT!!!"
"Whatever!" said Sam. "Dude, do you realize that calling the rangers 'fairies' could be construed as an anti-gay remark?" And I thought you were all leftist and stuff!"
"How is that anti-gay?" demanded Legolas.
Sam rolled his eyes. "DUH! It implies that gay people sing "Stacey's Mom."
Legolas jerked and banged his head against the bottom of the bench. "OUCH! Oh my god, I'M SORRY! I did NOT mean to imply that gay people like the song "Stacey's Mom"! I don't endorse the fundies, I swear! Forgive me! PLEASE DON'T SUE!!!"
"Don't persecute the fundies!!!" said Sam. "Remember, the first amendment of the U.S. constitution includes freedom of religion!"
"Oh my god, Sam," said Frodo from behind Robert's orange SUV. "Did you like memorize the Bill of Rights or something?"
"No, but the author did."
Frodo rolled his eyes and muttered something about psycho political extremists.
Inside the phone booth, Boromir was still yelling at Robert. "No one EVER considers how the ghosts feel about stuff! We've tried talking to people, but whenever they see us, they go all schizo and start screaming and having heart attacks and other *#$& like that. And ghosts STILL aren't allowed to vote, OR get driver's licenses..."
Robert shifted from foot to foot and looked around nervously. He had an appointment with his boss in fifteen minutes, and if he missed it he would very probably be fired, or even worse, demoted to marketing.
"And Ghost Busters!" continued Boromir. "That movie should be BANNED! It was full of LIES and the most OUTRAGEOUS stereotyping I have ever seen..."
Rather than be forced to listen to a blow by blow description of what Boromir was going to do the director of Ghost Busters if he, a) managed to catch him, and b) had hands, Robert decided to make a break for it. He dodged around Boromir and flung himself at the door. He somehow managed to get out without getting stuck on anything, and he might even have gotten to his appointment on time if he hadn't been promptly trampled by rangers (STACEY, CAN I COME OVER AFTER SCHOOL...) and then pounced on by Merry and Pippin, who bit him and stole his briefcase because they thought it was a lunch box. Robert screamed, and then ran off to inform the police that he had just been mugged by mutant midgets.
"We're DOOMED!" groaned Aragorn from under a shrub.
Gimli and Halbarad had crammed themselves into an out of order fountain, except it wasn't big enough and bits of them were sticking out.
"I never thought I'd die next to a cross dressing ranger!" muttered Gimli.
"I do NOT cross dress, you stupid dwarf!" shouted Halbarad. "And get your foot away from my head before I poke you with the fake nails I stole from Saruman!"
"IS YOUR MOM BACK, FROM HER BUSINESS TRIP? IS SHE THERE, OR IS SHE TRYING TO GIVE ME THE SLIP?"
Gandalf jumped out of the tree he had been hiding in and brandished his staff. "This has gone QUITE far enough!"
Merry and Pippin looked up from where they were busy bashing Robert's briefcase with a large rock. "NO MORE GANDALF TAKES CHARGE!!!!!!!!" they grabbed Gandalf's staff and began hitting random rangers with it to try and make them shut up. To bad it didn't work...
"I'M NOT THE (OW!!!) LITTLE BOY (OUCH!) THAT I USED TO BE! (*&#$!!!) I'M ALL GROWN UP, (OWIE!) NOW BABY CAN'T YOU SEE! (OUCHHHHH!!!)
"Come back here, you blasted hobbits!" bellowed Gandalf. "That staff is DANGEROUS! Oh, confusticate you!!"
"HOBBIT POWER!!!!!" squealed Merry Pippin, chasing the rangers in circles.
Suddenly, there was a blinding flash of light and a sonic boom that blew out all the windows in down town Wellington. FTH and the rangers were sucked through a portal in space/time and deposited...
On the lawn outside of Peter Jackson's office.
**************************************************************************** *************
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Another cliff hanger! I'm so sorry it took me over two weeks to post anything. I have this bad, annoying, evil, LONG research project I just got assigned that's worth like my entire Third Quarter English grade and will take all of the next two months to finish. I don't think I'll be able to post very often until April. *sigh*
TO MY WONDERFUL, HYPER REVIEWERS:
electrocuted elf: I am going to write a review that takes up and entire freaking PAGE! So there! THE CELTS SACKED ROME FIVE TIMES! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
budgiezilla442: Frodo is aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall yours! I love Aragorn! *drool* You probably know that by now...
BURN THE R.U.M.: Laughing is good!
Animegirl123: If you want to be a fangirl, you're going to have to wait a couple of chapters. I will put you in though. Just remember, Arry belongs to MEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Saralitazie: The rangers love you too! ^_^ I'm glad my fics cause you extreme hilarity and hyperness. HYPER IS GOOD!
totallyObsessedwithLOTR: And the rangers are STILL obsessed with singing...
pherhyandoiel: You get to attack Gimli in like, two more chapters.
Inuyasha is a Doggy demon: Is this the fourth time you've changed your penname in the last three months? No offense, but it's getting REALLY confusing.
CheerCheerBubbleGum: You appear after plan B, that is, in about three chapters. Should I put Cheer Cheer in too, or just you?
Mornie Utule: SLIME! ODD LOOKS! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Ainu Laire: I don't particularly like the Democrats, so I could start mocking them too. FOUR GOLDEN GLOBES! YAY! And I think ROTK got more Oscar nominations than POTC. I'll have to check that...
mousie2: Slime! HAHAHAHAHA! I'll be sure to check out your stories sometime soon.
Dark SnoGoon: Glad you like it.
lemluvspirates: People coming out of paintings...hmmm...McDonalds...hmmm...I'll see.
BOING TO ALL OF YOU!
NOW REVIEW BECAUSE I TOLD YOU TO!
You are iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin my poooooooooooooooower...
NOW PRESS THAT PURPLE BUTTON!!!!!!!!!
You know you want to!
And remember: THE CELTS WERE COOL! VERY, VERY, COOL!
A/n: Whatever. In case any of you don't know, "Stacy's Mom" is this REALLY ANNOYING song that everyone in my school has stuck in their head. And you only have to hear it once before it like, STICKS in your brain and you CAN'T GET IT OUT!!!
Chapter 12:
3:00 PM. About forty large slimy...somethings were walking through down town Wellington causing traffic accidents and mass panic.
"IT'S EVIL ALIENS FROM PLANET X!!!" screamed one old lady, tugging her furiously yapping poodle out of Aragorn's way.
"NO, IT'S A SCIENCE EXPERIMENT ESCAPED FROM THE LAB!" yelled someone else. "NOBODY BREATHE, THEY COULD BE BIOCONTAMINATED!"
"What the hell...?" wondered Legolas.
"HELP!!! NEO NAZI SECRET WEAPONS!!!!!"
"JESUS CHRIST, THEY'RE MUTATED GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS!!"
"Okaaaaaay," said Elladan. "I know we're like, totally caked with slime, but that's going a bit far."
"This stuff is starting to itch," grumbled Aragorn. "I want a bath."
"Oh my God!" said Boromir in mock surprise "Did ARAGORN just say the word BATH?? Is the world about to end or something?"
"Shut up!" snapped Aragorn. "Contrary to popular belief, I am NOT allergic to bathing! I washed my hair THREE TIMES during Lord of the Rings!"
"Oh, THREE TIMES in one year! You are an EPITOME of cleanliness, Aragorn! I bow to your superior personal hygiene!"
"Boromir! Stop mocking Aragorn's unwashed hair!" ordered Gandalf. "It's not like yours was much cleaner!"
"Well yah, but I didn't like FLIP it at the camera..."
Still bickering, they walked into a French restaurant, causing the customers to faint and the waiters to scream and barricade themselves in the kitchen with lots of sharp knives.
Meanwhile, on the street, chaos still rained. People were screaming and running away, running into each other, running in circles, running into traffic, and generally behaving like mutant pigeons with brain fever.
Any one with even a shred of common sense left was hightailing it for home as fast as they could possibly go.
"Come ON Stacey!" yelled a mother to her recalcitrant two year old.
In the restaurant, Halbarad, Elladan and Elrohir suddenly stopped stuffing themselves with food they had pilfered from unconscious customers.
"Oh, no! No! Please no!" gasped Elladan, turning the color of old oat meal.
"Not again!" whimpered Elrohir.
"What?" said Aragorn in confusion?
"That lady just said...the S word!" whispered Halbarad, pointing with a shaking finger. "Now we're all...DONE FOR!!!"
Aragorn began to ask just what the hell they were talking about, but was interrupted by, guess who, the rangers.
"STACEY'S MOM, HAS GOT IT GOING ON!" they bellowed. "SHE'S ALL I WANT, AND I'VE WAITED FOR SO LONG!"
"NOOOO!!! BAD!!!!! BAD IMAGES!!!!" wailed The Fellowship, the Twins, and Halbarad.
"STACEY CAN'T YOU SEE, YOU'RE JUST NOT THE GIRL FOR ME!"
"WE'RE F*&#^ING OUT OF HERE!!!!" yelled FTH, bolting out the door with the rangers in hot pursuit.
"I KNOW IT MAY BE WRONG, BUT I'M IN LOVE WITH STACEY'S MOM!!!"
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed FTH, trampling seizuring pedestrians as they pelted down the street.
"STACEY, DO YOU REMEMBER, WHEN I MOWED YOUR LAWN..."
FTH split up and dived for cover as a panicking business man flung himself into a phone booth and called the police.
"Uhh, Hello?" said random Wellington police officer #23. "Hello! Police?" gasped the businessman, whose name was Robert, "I'd like to report an alien invasion!!"
"Oh GOD, not another one on my shift!" muttered RWPO#23. "Sir, may I remind you the violent hallucinogens are considered illegal substances??"
"I'm not on drugs!" wailed Robert. "I swear to God, there's ten Martians being chased down the street by thirty other Martians singing something about some ones mother!"
"YOUR MOM CAME OUT WITH JUST A TOWEL ON!!"
"What the holy #$&%?" said the RWPO.
"See?" said Robert, holding onto the receiver for dear life as rampaging rangers slammed against the phone booth.
"I COULD TELL SHE LIKED ME BY THE WAY SHE STARED..."
RWOP#23 sighed. He didn't need this kind of thing on a Monday. "Nice, try Mister, now turn off the boom box. Do I even have to tell you that you can be prosecuted for prank-calling the police station?"
Robert was about to say something indignant and clichéd, but Boromir walked through the side of the phone booth and interrupted him.
"Greetings dude! Do you mind if I take shelter in this phone booth until the mob of American pop music crazed rangers has passed?"
"And there's a GHOST in here with me!" shouted Robert into the phone. "He's all medieval and DEAD and he's dripping ectoplasm everywhere!!"
"AND I KNOW YOU THINK IT'S JUST A FANTASY..."
RWOP#23 groaned and hung up.
"Hey, that's discrimination against ghosts, dude!!!" said Boromir accusingly. "That's not cool! Dead people have feelings too, you know!"
Robert gulped and muttered something about his stock broker, or possibly the WWF. He had had a very bad day so far and didn't feel like standing around in a phone booth listening to an irate ghost rant about the rights of metaphysical manifestations.
"BUT SINCE YOUR DAD WALKED OUT, YOUR MOM COULD USE A GUY LIKE MEEEEEEEEEEE!"
"SHUT THE *&$% UP, YOU FAIRIES!!" yelled Legolas from where he was sheltering under a park bench. "THAT IS THE WORST SONG IN THE ENTIRE *&#$%&^ UNIVERSE!! HAVEN'T YOU GUYS BEEN ANNOYING ENOUGH??"
The rangers apparently didn't think so, because they kept singing. "STACEY'S MOM, HAS GOT IT GOING ON!! STACEY'S MOM, HAS GOT IT GOING ON!!" They began doing the Macarena and chasing Gimli around, trying to pull his beard.
Sam surreptitiously stuck his head out of the trash can he was hiding in. "Psst, Leggy," he hissed.
"DON'T CALL ME THAT!!!"
"Whatever!" said Sam. "Dude, do you realize that calling the rangers 'fairies' could be construed as an anti-gay remark?" And I thought you were all leftist and stuff!"
"How is that anti-gay?" demanded Legolas.
Sam rolled his eyes. "DUH! It implies that gay people sing "Stacey's Mom."
Legolas jerked and banged his head against the bottom of the bench. "OUCH! Oh my god, I'M SORRY! I did NOT mean to imply that gay people like the song "Stacey's Mom"! I don't endorse the fundies, I swear! Forgive me! PLEASE DON'T SUE!!!"
"Don't persecute the fundies!!!" said Sam. "Remember, the first amendment of the U.S. constitution includes freedom of religion!"
"Oh my god, Sam," said Frodo from behind Robert's orange SUV. "Did you like memorize the Bill of Rights or something?"
"No, but the author did."
Frodo rolled his eyes and muttered something about psycho political extremists.
Inside the phone booth, Boromir was still yelling at Robert. "No one EVER considers how the ghosts feel about stuff! We've tried talking to people, but whenever they see us, they go all schizo and start screaming and having heart attacks and other *#$& like that. And ghosts STILL aren't allowed to vote, OR get driver's licenses..."
Robert shifted from foot to foot and looked around nervously. He had an appointment with his boss in fifteen minutes, and if he missed it he would very probably be fired, or even worse, demoted to marketing.
"And Ghost Busters!" continued Boromir. "That movie should be BANNED! It was full of LIES and the most OUTRAGEOUS stereotyping I have ever seen..."
Rather than be forced to listen to a blow by blow description of what Boromir was going to do the director of Ghost Busters if he, a) managed to catch him, and b) had hands, Robert decided to make a break for it. He dodged around Boromir and flung himself at the door. He somehow managed to get out without getting stuck on anything, and he might even have gotten to his appointment on time if he hadn't been promptly trampled by rangers (STACEY, CAN I COME OVER AFTER SCHOOL...) and then pounced on by Merry and Pippin, who bit him and stole his briefcase because they thought it was a lunch box. Robert screamed, and then ran off to inform the police that he had just been mugged by mutant midgets.
"We're DOOMED!" groaned Aragorn from under a shrub.
Gimli and Halbarad had crammed themselves into an out of order fountain, except it wasn't big enough and bits of them were sticking out.
"I never thought I'd die next to a cross dressing ranger!" muttered Gimli.
"I do NOT cross dress, you stupid dwarf!" shouted Halbarad. "And get your foot away from my head before I poke you with the fake nails I stole from Saruman!"
"IS YOUR MOM BACK, FROM HER BUSINESS TRIP? IS SHE THERE, OR IS SHE TRYING TO GIVE ME THE SLIP?"
Gandalf jumped out of the tree he had been hiding in and brandished his staff. "This has gone QUITE far enough!"
Merry and Pippin looked up from where they were busy bashing Robert's briefcase with a large rock. "NO MORE GANDALF TAKES CHARGE!!!!!!!!" they grabbed Gandalf's staff and began hitting random rangers with it to try and make them shut up. To bad it didn't work...
"I'M NOT THE (OW!!!) LITTLE BOY (OUCH!) THAT I USED TO BE! (*&#$!!!) I'M ALL GROWN UP, (OWIE!) NOW BABY CAN'T YOU SEE! (OUCHHHHH!!!)
"Come back here, you blasted hobbits!" bellowed Gandalf. "That staff is DANGEROUS! Oh, confusticate you!!"
"HOBBIT POWER!!!!!" squealed Merry Pippin, chasing the rangers in circles.
Suddenly, there was a blinding flash of light and a sonic boom that blew out all the windows in down town Wellington. FTH and the rangers were sucked through a portal in space/time and deposited...
On the lawn outside of Peter Jackson's office.
**************************************************************************** *************
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Another cliff hanger! I'm so sorry it took me over two weeks to post anything. I have this bad, annoying, evil, LONG research project I just got assigned that's worth like my entire Third Quarter English grade and will take all of the next two months to finish. I don't think I'll be able to post very often until April. *sigh*
TO MY WONDERFUL, HYPER REVIEWERS:
electrocuted elf: I am going to write a review that takes up and entire freaking PAGE! So there! THE CELTS SACKED ROME FIVE TIMES! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
budgiezilla442: Frodo is aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall yours! I love Aragorn! *drool* You probably know that by now...
BURN THE R.U.M.: Laughing is good!
Animegirl123: If you want to be a fangirl, you're going to have to wait a couple of chapters. I will put you in though. Just remember, Arry belongs to MEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Saralitazie: The rangers love you too! ^_^ I'm glad my fics cause you extreme hilarity and hyperness. HYPER IS GOOD!
totallyObsessedwithLOTR: And the rangers are STILL obsessed with singing...
pherhyandoiel: You get to attack Gimli in like, two more chapters.
Inuyasha is a Doggy demon: Is this the fourth time you've changed your penname in the last three months? No offense, but it's getting REALLY confusing.
CheerCheerBubbleGum: You appear after plan B, that is, in about three chapters. Should I put Cheer Cheer in too, or just you?
Mornie Utule: SLIME! ODD LOOKS! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Ainu Laire: I don't particularly like the Democrats, so I could start mocking them too. FOUR GOLDEN GLOBES! YAY! And I think ROTK got more Oscar nominations than POTC. I'll have to check that...
mousie2: Slime! HAHAHAHAHA! I'll be sure to check out your stories sometime soon.
Dark SnoGoon: Glad you like it.
lemluvspirates: People coming out of paintings...hmmm...McDonalds...hmmm...I'll see.
BOING TO ALL OF YOU!
NOW REVIEW BECAUSE I TOLD YOU TO!
You are iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin my poooooooooooooooower...
NOW PRESS THAT PURPLE BUTTON!!!!!!!!!
You know you want to!
And remember: THE CELTS WERE COOL! VERY, VERY, COOL!