Disclaimer: I'm bored. If I owned LOTR I don't think I would be bored. I'll
let that speak fro it's self.
A/n: Hello from Connecticut, where the temperature is BELOW FREEZING in the
shade. HaHAAAAH! Okay, this is the chapter where all the characters who got
left out of the movies camp out on P.J.s lawn. And then there's some stuff
involving my friends and a pink helicopter. YOU'LL see.
Chapter 13:
The Fellowship, the Twins, the Rangers, and Halbarad gaped at Peter Jackson's office building in total shock.
"Are we even in the right dimension?" asked Gandalf.
"Uhhhh..." said Elladan.
Elrohir stared fixedly at the lawn in front of him, where a bunch of hobbits in war paint and Barney suits were burning P.J. in effigy and shouting corporate slogans as they danced around the bonfire. And that was only ONE of the many, many things that did not belong on Peter Jackson's lawn under any circumstances.
Aragorn gulped. "What...happened here?" he asked weakly.
"Uhhhh..." said Elladan again.
What had happened was that all the characters who had gotten left out of the movie versions of FOTR, TT, or ROTK, had congregated on the lawn outside of Peter Jackson's office and gone totally psycho. I mean totally, TOTALLY insane. It wasn't a pretty sight.
Beregond and Bergil were launching Molotov Cocktails through the fifth floor windows with a stolen catapult, the Mouth of Sauron and some random Orcs were attempting to batter down the door with the Armadillo of Fire, Prince Imrahil was rushing around with a large clip board annoying people, Quickbeam the ent was bashing Peter Jackson's Limo with a large boulder, Círdan was pouring gasoline on some pink orchids and muttering about how the hobbits had jacked his matches, Bill Ferny was demolishing random things with a bulldozer and chugging Budweiser, Glorfindel was spray painting a large X onto the side of the building and directing Erkenbrand, who was positioning a laser cannon, Goldberry was circulating a petition and yelling loudly at passing pedestrians, Tom Bombadil was directing a choir of what appeared to be rabid lemmings, Saruman and Wormtongue were digging a large hole for no apparent reason, Gildor and his elves had formed a picket line and were whacking harried security guards with their "DIE, P.J. DIE!" signs, and Eowyn and Faramir were making out under a conveniently placed park bench.
Nobody could see what Ioreth was doing, because foul smelling green smoke from the potion she was brewing had obscured the entire south eastern corner of the lawn, but it probably had something to do with a Peter Jackson voodoo doll, and lots of sharp pins.
Prince Imrahil spotted Elladan & Elrohir and rushed over. "You were supposed to be here FOUR HOURS AGO!" he bellowed, brandishing his clipboard. "What TOOK you so long?!?!"
"Uhhhh..." said Elladan.
Legolas kicked him. "We're four hours late because we got chased by zombies and had to jump into a sewer to avoid getting incinerated by a giant fireball caused by "Uncle John's Band" and "Oops I Did it Again" being played in the same underground cavern."
"Okaaaaaay..." said Imrahil.
Elrohir shook his head. "Don't even ask, dude. Um, two questions...What's with the lemmings, and why are Eowyn and Faramir here?"
"Lemmings?" said Imrahil in confusion.
Elrohir pointed.
"Oh, them," said Imrahil. "Those aren't lemmings, they're Barrow Wights."
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!" squealed all the hobbits.
"Stupid pansies," muttered Gimli.
"And," continued Imrahil, "Eowyn and Faramir are mad because they didn't get to do they're stupid mushy kissing scene on the walls of Minis Tirith, so they're protesting by making out on P.J.'s lawn."
"Uhhhhh..." said Elladan.
"Oh SHUT UP!" yelled Elrohir. "Do you need a lobotomy or something?"
"Uhhhhh...."
"That's it! Aragorn, can I borrow Anduril for a moment?"
"NO!" said Aragorn. "I don't want people using my cell phone to report a fratricide, which will INVARIABLY happen if you start whacking holes in Elladan's head! Plus, Arwen would kill me."
"Fine, be that way!" muttered Elrohir. "Gimli, where's your ax?"
"It got vaporized, dude."
"Oh yeah. Then...Legolas! I need one of your arrows!"
Legolas rolled his eyes. "Dude, if you want to take out pieces of Elladan's brain, use your own freaking weapons!"
"Uhhhh..." said Elladan. He began to drool slightly.
Elrohir growled bit his monogrammed handkerchief in half in frustration. "My sword is totally rusted from all the slime! I can't perform surgery with it! It wouldn't be freaking sanitary!...Gandalf! Can I use Glamdring?"
"Get stuffed, Elrohir," suggested Gandalf cheerfully. "Elladan doesn't need brain surgery; he needs a good whack on the head!"
Gandalf whacked Elladan on the head with his staff. There was a flash of lavender light and a sound like a kazoo being blown from under sixteen tons of walrus blubber...then--
"OH MY GOD!" shrieked Elrohir. "YOU STUPID WIZARD! YOU'VE TURNED MY BROTHER INTO A CHICKEN!!"
"Well, at least he's not drooling any more," said Merry. He and Pippin began feeding Elladan the chicken some of the Budweiser they had stolen from Bill Ferny.
"I'M GOING TO HAVE YOU COURT MARSHALLED!" screamed Elrohir, pointing an accusing finger at Gandalf. "I'LL SET MY DAD'S LAWYERS ON YOU! I'LL... I'LL SUE YOU'RE SPARKLY WHITE PANTS OFF, SO HELP ME GOD!!!"
"Whoa, Elrohir! Calm the hell down, dude!" shouted Aragorn. "I don't think it's fair to yell at Gandalf when not thirty seconds ago, you yourself wanted to cut Elladan's head open!"
"Ahem," said Imrahil.
"And it's not like Gandalf did any real damage," continued Aragorn desperately, as he and Halbarad attempted to restrain Elrohir. "I mean, I don't notice any big changes in Elladan's behavior or anything!"
Elladan the chicken squawked drunkenly and keeled over.
"See??" demanded Aragorn.
"AHEM!" bellowed Imrahil. "I really don't care about Elladan's brain, or lack of one, but I would like to know WHAT ALL THE FREAKING LEADS ARE DOING HERE! This was supposed to be for ignored characters ONLY!"
"We ran into Elladan and Elrohir in California," said Legolas "And we were totally bored so we decided to go with them."
Imrahil snorted and muttered something about the attention span of major characters.
"Look, dude," said Aragorn in annoyance. "If it bothers you so much, why aren't you yelling at Eowyn and Faramir?"
"Because they're just SECONDARY characters!" said Imrahil.
Suddenly, random rabid feminist # 5,823,674 appeared five inches from Imrahil's nose.
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, EOWYN IS A SECONDARY CHARACTER, YOU STUPID LOSER? SHE'S LIKE THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN THE ENTIRE FREAKING TRILOGY!" she slapped him and vanished back to whatever dimension she had come from in the first place.
"Meep," said Imrahil.
"Everyone in this entire fanfic is freaking crazy!" muttered Frodo.
"Including you," said Pippin.
Suddenly there was a loud BANG and everyone looked and saw that Beregond's latest Molotov Cocktail had just collided with Bill Ferny's bulldozer, with the result that a) the bulldozer had its back tires blown off, b) a large smoking crater appeared in the middle of Peter Jackson's perfectly mowed lawn, and c) Bill Ferny was blown fifty feet into the air and landed in an ornamental hedge with lots of thorns.
"KARMA!" shouted Sam. "That's what happens to people who MISTREAT HELPLESS PONIES!!!!!!"
"Oh yeah?" yelled Bill. "Well THIS is what happens to assholes who throw apples at people's HEADS!" he chucked his beer can at Sam, but it hit Erkenbrand instead, causing him to misfire the laser canon and ignite Ioreth's potion.
"AHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed everyone, as the potion exploded in all directions, spattering the entire lawn with greenish brown sludge.
"YOU IDIOTS!" shouted Ioreth. "CAN'T YOU READ?" she jabbed her finger at a sign standing next to her, which said:
DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES
EXPOSE THIS POTION TO AN OPEN
FLAME! DOING SO WILL CREATE A
LARGE EXPLOSION AND TURN THE
PERSON AT FAULT INTO A MEMBER OF
THE KU KLUX KLAN! IT WILL ALSO PISS
ME OFF CONSIDERABLY, WHICH I DO
NOT RECOMMEND!
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ioreth kicked the cauldron over and did a little dance of rage. "WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS? I'LL FORCE FEED THEM SPINACH! I'LL PULL THEIR NOSES OFF WITH TWEEZERS! COME ON, OWN UP!"
Everyone gulped and pointed at Bill Ferny, who was now inexplicably wearing a Klan outfit and attempting to set fire to a cross with some gasoline stolen from Círdan. Ioreth marched over to him, brandishing her P.J. voodoo doll.
"Now look here young man!" she screeched. (Bill Ferny jumped and set fire to his hair) "It is very, very, very, rude, not to mention STUPID, to throw beer cans at people with laser canons! You could have seriously injured YOURSELF or someone ELSE with such irresponsible behavior! I have half a mind to march over to your mother's house right this instant and give her a piece of my mind!"
Bill Ferny blinked at her. He still hadn't noticed that his hair was smoldering. "Um, my mom like, lives in another dimension?" he blinked again. "BURN THE HOMOS!"
"Are you SASSING me??" shrieked Ioreth. "Go wash your mouth out with soap and water, boy!"
Bill Ferny mumbled something about having an NRA meeting he had to go to and tried to make a dash for his car. Ioreth intercepted him with a football style tackle and began vigorously washing his mouth out with three different kinds of anti-bacterial soap, all of which smelled strongly of lilacs.
Suddenly Elladan the chicken squawked loudly and pointed at the sky. A large, unidentified, and very PINK object was hurtling towards the earth at an astonishing speed.
"It's a bird!" shouted someone.
"No, It's a plane!"
"Your both wrong, It's an ALIEN INVASION! HIDE!"
"Didn't we just have one of those in the last chapter?" wondered Pippin. Legolas kicked him.
With a loud grinding noise the side of the pink spaceship thingy opened and a gigantic set of loud-speakers was switched on.
"YOU FOOLS!" yelled a voice from the loud-speaker. "THIS IS NOT A BIRD, OR A PLANE OR A UFO! IT'S PINK HELICOPTER THAT WE JACKED FROM THOSE BIMBOS DOWN AT FANGIRL INC.! WE HEARD THERE WAS A MEMBER OF THE KLAN HIDING SOMEWHERE ON PETER JACKSON'S LAWN AND WE'VE COME TO TAR AND FEATHER 'EM!!!!"
"Oh my god!" gasped Bill Ferny. "It's the LIBERALS!"
"THAT'S RIGHT! THE SOCIALISTS ARE COMING FOR YOU, BILL FERNY! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"WHOA! CALM DOWN, GALADRIEL IN DISGUISE!"
"DANG, WE'RE GOING FAST!"
"YAH, I THINK WE BROKE THE SOUND BARRIER ABOUT THIRTY SECONDS AGO."
"MAYBE WE SHOULD SLOW DOWN..."
"WE CAN'T, THE GAS TANK JUST FELL OFF."
"MAYBE IF WE...OH BUGGER!"
"OH MY GOD, ELECTROCUTED ELF! YOU JUST BROKE THE STEERING THING OFF!"
"IT WASN'T MY FAULT! KIKI CHAN CRASHED INTO MY ELBOW!"
"THAT'S A LIE, YOU PERVY HOBBIT FANCIER!"
"IT IS NOT! STOP REFUSING TO ACCEPT RESPONSIBLILITY FOR YOUR ACTIONS!"
"NOW YOU SOUND LIKE THE SCHOOL COUNSELOR!"
"YOU DO REALIZE THE INTERCOM IS STILL ON DON'T YOU?"
"KIKI CHAN! ELECTROCUTED ELF! SHUT UP!!! THIRTY SECONDS AWAY FROM A FIREY CRASH IS NO TIME FOR A CAT FIGHT!"
Galadriel in disguise seized the pink plastic microphone. "ATTENTION ALL PERSONS CURRENTLY INHABITING PETER JACKSON'S LAWN! THIS HELICOPTER IS GOING DOWN! I SUGGEST YOU ALL GET OUT OF THE WAY! THAT MEANS YOU, GIMLI!!!
Everyone on the ground screamed and simultaneously tried to dive for cover under Beregond's catapult.
The loud-speaker crackled again. "IF WE'RE GOING TO CRASH, CAN WE AT LEAST TRY TO LAND ON LEGOLAS?"
"BE QUIET USAGI, YOU'RE NOT HELPING...KIKI CHAN! PUT DOWN THAT MATHBOOK!"
"BUT SHE--"
"TWENTY SECONDS TO IMPACT!"
"WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!!"
"WELL, AT LEAST I WON'T HAVE TO TAKE MY HISTORY TEST."
"I WONDER WHAT THIS BUTTON DOES...?"
"MAKIYO! IT COULD BE THE SELF DISTRUCT! DON'T PRESS--"
With a loud CRACK, a large parachute with I LOVE LEGOLAS emblazoned on it ballooned out of the back of the helicopter and halted it's headlong descent.
"OH MY GOD, MAKIYO...YOU JUST SAVED OUR LIVES!"
"WE STILL HAVE NO GAS TANK."
"YOUR SUCH A PESSIMIST, GALADRIEL IN DISGUISE. WILL SOMEONE PLEASE TURN OFF THE INTERCOM?!?!?"
"CAN'T. THE LEVER THINGY'S JAMMED."
"WUSS. HERE, LET ME DO IT--" There was an audible CLICK, then silence as the pink helicopter settled gently onto the roof of Peter Jackson's office.
The various LOTR characters stopped biting and kicking each other for a place under the catapult and stared up in a kind dazed shock.
"I think those rabid political leftist teenager people are stalking us," said Aragorn after a while.
"I think you're right dude," said Legolas. He brightened up. "Hey, do you think we could like, file a restraining order or something?"
"Not today," said Aragorn. "The Wellington Police Department is probably to busy fielding calls about the so called 'Martian Invasion.'"
"Are you implying that you KNOW those people?" asked Imrahil.
"Since when do you have to know someone to get stalked?"
"Point taken."
**************************************************************************** ****************
A/N: Yeah, another cliff hanger, (sorta) but this chapters like eight pages long and I haven't posted for more than a week. Don't hurt me.
To my reviewers:
Inuyesha: You just changed it again. That's three times. *sigh* Oh well, it's your pen name.
Pherhyandoiel: Yes, you get to attack Gimli and take him prisoner. However, you don't get to keep him.
Jackie-O*budgiezilla: Press the button again, I dare you!
Mousie02: PJ is in the next chapter, but I'll try to make it worth the wait.
Lemluvspirates: Giant attacking bobby pins? I like it!
NiennaElanor: Yep, that song should be censored.
BURN THE R.U.M.: It's not stuck in your head? LUCKY!
Escaped-mental-patient: I'll put you in the fangirl chapter...whenever that will be. *cackle* Probably in about two weeks.
Ainu Laire: BUTTON!
Terreis: Thanks, but Aragorn belongs to ME! *snort* Like either of us has a chance. Oh well, a girl can dream can't she?
BubbleBubbleGumGum: Okay, just you!
Saralitizie: Thank you! I always like to hear that I improved someone's day!
RandomPirate: Yeah, slush. I tried to forget about that bit. I hate slush.
Mornie Utule: Sorry, I seem to be stuck ending my chapters with cliff hangers. Don't hurt me!
Lara Christ: CRAZY! Hah! Yes I am CRAZY! Thank you!
Chapter 13:
The Fellowship, the Twins, the Rangers, and Halbarad gaped at Peter Jackson's office building in total shock.
"Are we even in the right dimension?" asked Gandalf.
"Uhhhh..." said Elladan.
Elrohir stared fixedly at the lawn in front of him, where a bunch of hobbits in war paint and Barney suits were burning P.J. in effigy and shouting corporate slogans as they danced around the bonfire. And that was only ONE of the many, many things that did not belong on Peter Jackson's lawn under any circumstances.
Aragorn gulped. "What...happened here?" he asked weakly.
"Uhhhh..." said Elladan again.
What had happened was that all the characters who had gotten left out of the movie versions of FOTR, TT, or ROTK, had congregated on the lawn outside of Peter Jackson's office and gone totally psycho. I mean totally, TOTALLY insane. It wasn't a pretty sight.
Beregond and Bergil were launching Molotov Cocktails through the fifth floor windows with a stolen catapult, the Mouth of Sauron and some random Orcs were attempting to batter down the door with the Armadillo of Fire, Prince Imrahil was rushing around with a large clip board annoying people, Quickbeam the ent was bashing Peter Jackson's Limo with a large boulder, Círdan was pouring gasoline on some pink orchids and muttering about how the hobbits had jacked his matches, Bill Ferny was demolishing random things with a bulldozer and chugging Budweiser, Glorfindel was spray painting a large X onto the side of the building and directing Erkenbrand, who was positioning a laser cannon, Goldberry was circulating a petition and yelling loudly at passing pedestrians, Tom Bombadil was directing a choir of what appeared to be rabid lemmings, Saruman and Wormtongue were digging a large hole for no apparent reason, Gildor and his elves had formed a picket line and were whacking harried security guards with their "DIE, P.J. DIE!" signs, and Eowyn and Faramir were making out under a conveniently placed park bench.
Nobody could see what Ioreth was doing, because foul smelling green smoke from the potion she was brewing had obscured the entire south eastern corner of the lawn, but it probably had something to do with a Peter Jackson voodoo doll, and lots of sharp pins.
Prince Imrahil spotted Elladan & Elrohir and rushed over. "You were supposed to be here FOUR HOURS AGO!" he bellowed, brandishing his clipboard. "What TOOK you so long?!?!"
"Uhhhh..." said Elladan.
Legolas kicked him. "We're four hours late because we got chased by zombies and had to jump into a sewer to avoid getting incinerated by a giant fireball caused by "Uncle John's Band" and "Oops I Did it Again" being played in the same underground cavern."
"Okaaaaaay..." said Imrahil.
Elrohir shook his head. "Don't even ask, dude. Um, two questions...What's with the lemmings, and why are Eowyn and Faramir here?"
"Lemmings?" said Imrahil in confusion.
Elrohir pointed.
"Oh, them," said Imrahil. "Those aren't lemmings, they're Barrow Wights."
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!" squealed all the hobbits.
"Stupid pansies," muttered Gimli.
"And," continued Imrahil, "Eowyn and Faramir are mad because they didn't get to do they're stupid mushy kissing scene on the walls of Minis Tirith, so they're protesting by making out on P.J.'s lawn."
"Uhhhhh..." said Elladan.
"Oh SHUT UP!" yelled Elrohir. "Do you need a lobotomy or something?"
"Uhhhhh...."
"That's it! Aragorn, can I borrow Anduril for a moment?"
"NO!" said Aragorn. "I don't want people using my cell phone to report a fratricide, which will INVARIABLY happen if you start whacking holes in Elladan's head! Plus, Arwen would kill me."
"Fine, be that way!" muttered Elrohir. "Gimli, where's your ax?"
"It got vaporized, dude."
"Oh yeah. Then...Legolas! I need one of your arrows!"
Legolas rolled his eyes. "Dude, if you want to take out pieces of Elladan's brain, use your own freaking weapons!"
"Uhhhh..." said Elladan. He began to drool slightly.
Elrohir growled bit his monogrammed handkerchief in half in frustration. "My sword is totally rusted from all the slime! I can't perform surgery with it! It wouldn't be freaking sanitary!...Gandalf! Can I use Glamdring?"
"Get stuffed, Elrohir," suggested Gandalf cheerfully. "Elladan doesn't need brain surgery; he needs a good whack on the head!"
Gandalf whacked Elladan on the head with his staff. There was a flash of lavender light and a sound like a kazoo being blown from under sixteen tons of walrus blubber...then--
"OH MY GOD!" shrieked Elrohir. "YOU STUPID WIZARD! YOU'VE TURNED MY BROTHER INTO A CHICKEN!!"
"Well, at least he's not drooling any more," said Merry. He and Pippin began feeding Elladan the chicken some of the Budweiser they had stolen from Bill Ferny.
"I'M GOING TO HAVE YOU COURT MARSHALLED!" screamed Elrohir, pointing an accusing finger at Gandalf. "I'LL SET MY DAD'S LAWYERS ON YOU! I'LL... I'LL SUE YOU'RE SPARKLY WHITE PANTS OFF, SO HELP ME GOD!!!"
"Whoa, Elrohir! Calm the hell down, dude!" shouted Aragorn. "I don't think it's fair to yell at Gandalf when not thirty seconds ago, you yourself wanted to cut Elladan's head open!"
"Ahem," said Imrahil.
"And it's not like Gandalf did any real damage," continued Aragorn desperately, as he and Halbarad attempted to restrain Elrohir. "I mean, I don't notice any big changes in Elladan's behavior or anything!"
Elladan the chicken squawked drunkenly and keeled over.
"See??" demanded Aragorn.
"AHEM!" bellowed Imrahil. "I really don't care about Elladan's brain, or lack of one, but I would like to know WHAT ALL THE FREAKING LEADS ARE DOING HERE! This was supposed to be for ignored characters ONLY!"
"We ran into Elladan and Elrohir in California," said Legolas "And we were totally bored so we decided to go with them."
Imrahil snorted and muttered something about the attention span of major characters.
"Look, dude," said Aragorn in annoyance. "If it bothers you so much, why aren't you yelling at Eowyn and Faramir?"
"Because they're just SECONDARY characters!" said Imrahil.
Suddenly, random rabid feminist # 5,823,674 appeared five inches from Imrahil's nose.
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, EOWYN IS A SECONDARY CHARACTER, YOU STUPID LOSER? SHE'S LIKE THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN THE ENTIRE FREAKING TRILOGY!" she slapped him and vanished back to whatever dimension she had come from in the first place.
"Meep," said Imrahil.
"Everyone in this entire fanfic is freaking crazy!" muttered Frodo.
"Including you," said Pippin.
Suddenly there was a loud BANG and everyone looked and saw that Beregond's latest Molotov Cocktail had just collided with Bill Ferny's bulldozer, with the result that a) the bulldozer had its back tires blown off, b) a large smoking crater appeared in the middle of Peter Jackson's perfectly mowed lawn, and c) Bill Ferny was blown fifty feet into the air and landed in an ornamental hedge with lots of thorns.
"KARMA!" shouted Sam. "That's what happens to people who MISTREAT HELPLESS PONIES!!!!!!"
"Oh yeah?" yelled Bill. "Well THIS is what happens to assholes who throw apples at people's HEADS!" he chucked his beer can at Sam, but it hit Erkenbrand instead, causing him to misfire the laser canon and ignite Ioreth's potion.
"AHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed everyone, as the potion exploded in all directions, spattering the entire lawn with greenish brown sludge.
"YOU IDIOTS!" shouted Ioreth. "CAN'T YOU READ?" she jabbed her finger at a sign standing next to her, which said:
DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES
EXPOSE THIS POTION TO AN OPEN
FLAME! DOING SO WILL CREATE A
LARGE EXPLOSION AND TURN THE
PERSON AT FAULT INTO A MEMBER OF
THE KU KLUX KLAN! IT WILL ALSO PISS
ME OFF CONSIDERABLY, WHICH I DO
NOT RECOMMEND!
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ioreth kicked the cauldron over and did a little dance of rage. "WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS? I'LL FORCE FEED THEM SPINACH! I'LL PULL THEIR NOSES OFF WITH TWEEZERS! COME ON, OWN UP!"
Everyone gulped and pointed at Bill Ferny, who was now inexplicably wearing a Klan outfit and attempting to set fire to a cross with some gasoline stolen from Círdan. Ioreth marched over to him, brandishing her P.J. voodoo doll.
"Now look here young man!" she screeched. (Bill Ferny jumped and set fire to his hair) "It is very, very, very, rude, not to mention STUPID, to throw beer cans at people with laser canons! You could have seriously injured YOURSELF or someone ELSE with such irresponsible behavior! I have half a mind to march over to your mother's house right this instant and give her a piece of my mind!"
Bill Ferny blinked at her. He still hadn't noticed that his hair was smoldering. "Um, my mom like, lives in another dimension?" he blinked again. "BURN THE HOMOS!"
"Are you SASSING me??" shrieked Ioreth. "Go wash your mouth out with soap and water, boy!"
Bill Ferny mumbled something about having an NRA meeting he had to go to and tried to make a dash for his car. Ioreth intercepted him with a football style tackle and began vigorously washing his mouth out with three different kinds of anti-bacterial soap, all of which smelled strongly of lilacs.
Suddenly Elladan the chicken squawked loudly and pointed at the sky. A large, unidentified, and very PINK object was hurtling towards the earth at an astonishing speed.
"It's a bird!" shouted someone.
"No, It's a plane!"
"Your both wrong, It's an ALIEN INVASION! HIDE!"
"Didn't we just have one of those in the last chapter?" wondered Pippin. Legolas kicked him.
With a loud grinding noise the side of the pink spaceship thingy opened and a gigantic set of loud-speakers was switched on.
"YOU FOOLS!" yelled a voice from the loud-speaker. "THIS IS NOT A BIRD, OR A PLANE OR A UFO! IT'S PINK HELICOPTER THAT WE JACKED FROM THOSE BIMBOS DOWN AT FANGIRL INC.! WE HEARD THERE WAS A MEMBER OF THE KLAN HIDING SOMEWHERE ON PETER JACKSON'S LAWN AND WE'VE COME TO TAR AND FEATHER 'EM!!!!"
"Oh my god!" gasped Bill Ferny. "It's the LIBERALS!"
"THAT'S RIGHT! THE SOCIALISTS ARE COMING FOR YOU, BILL FERNY! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"WHOA! CALM DOWN, GALADRIEL IN DISGUISE!"
"DANG, WE'RE GOING FAST!"
"YAH, I THINK WE BROKE THE SOUND BARRIER ABOUT THIRTY SECONDS AGO."
"MAYBE WE SHOULD SLOW DOWN..."
"WE CAN'T, THE GAS TANK JUST FELL OFF."
"MAYBE IF WE...OH BUGGER!"
"OH MY GOD, ELECTROCUTED ELF! YOU JUST BROKE THE STEERING THING OFF!"
"IT WASN'T MY FAULT! KIKI CHAN CRASHED INTO MY ELBOW!"
"THAT'S A LIE, YOU PERVY HOBBIT FANCIER!"
"IT IS NOT! STOP REFUSING TO ACCEPT RESPONSIBLILITY FOR YOUR ACTIONS!"
"NOW YOU SOUND LIKE THE SCHOOL COUNSELOR!"
"YOU DO REALIZE THE INTERCOM IS STILL ON DON'T YOU?"
"KIKI CHAN! ELECTROCUTED ELF! SHUT UP!!! THIRTY SECONDS AWAY FROM A FIREY CRASH IS NO TIME FOR A CAT FIGHT!"
Galadriel in disguise seized the pink plastic microphone. "ATTENTION ALL PERSONS CURRENTLY INHABITING PETER JACKSON'S LAWN! THIS HELICOPTER IS GOING DOWN! I SUGGEST YOU ALL GET OUT OF THE WAY! THAT MEANS YOU, GIMLI!!!
Everyone on the ground screamed and simultaneously tried to dive for cover under Beregond's catapult.
The loud-speaker crackled again. "IF WE'RE GOING TO CRASH, CAN WE AT LEAST TRY TO LAND ON LEGOLAS?"
"BE QUIET USAGI, YOU'RE NOT HELPING...KIKI CHAN! PUT DOWN THAT MATHBOOK!"
"BUT SHE--"
"TWENTY SECONDS TO IMPACT!"
"WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!!"
"WELL, AT LEAST I WON'T HAVE TO TAKE MY HISTORY TEST."
"I WONDER WHAT THIS BUTTON DOES...?"
"MAKIYO! IT COULD BE THE SELF DISTRUCT! DON'T PRESS--"
With a loud CRACK, a large parachute with I LOVE LEGOLAS emblazoned on it ballooned out of the back of the helicopter and halted it's headlong descent.
"OH MY GOD, MAKIYO...YOU JUST SAVED OUR LIVES!"
"WE STILL HAVE NO GAS TANK."
"YOUR SUCH A PESSIMIST, GALADRIEL IN DISGUISE. WILL SOMEONE PLEASE TURN OFF THE INTERCOM?!?!?"
"CAN'T. THE LEVER THINGY'S JAMMED."
"WUSS. HERE, LET ME DO IT--" There was an audible CLICK, then silence as the pink helicopter settled gently onto the roof of Peter Jackson's office.
The various LOTR characters stopped biting and kicking each other for a place under the catapult and stared up in a kind dazed shock.
"I think those rabid political leftist teenager people are stalking us," said Aragorn after a while.
"I think you're right dude," said Legolas. He brightened up. "Hey, do you think we could like, file a restraining order or something?"
"Not today," said Aragorn. "The Wellington Police Department is probably to busy fielding calls about the so called 'Martian Invasion.'"
"Are you implying that you KNOW those people?" asked Imrahil.
"Since when do you have to know someone to get stalked?"
"Point taken."
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A/N: Yeah, another cliff hanger, (sorta) but this chapters like eight pages long and I haven't posted for more than a week. Don't hurt me.
To my reviewers:
Inuyesha: You just changed it again. That's three times. *sigh* Oh well, it's your pen name.
Pherhyandoiel: Yes, you get to attack Gimli and take him prisoner. However, you don't get to keep him.
Jackie-O*budgiezilla: Press the button again, I dare you!
Mousie02: PJ is in the next chapter, but I'll try to make it worth the wait.
Lemluvspirates: Giant attacking bobby pins? I like it!
NiennaElanor: Yep, that song should be censored.
BURN THE R.U.M.: It's not stuck in your head? LUCKY!
Escaped-mental-patient: I'll put you in the fangirl chapter...whenever that will be. *cackle* Probably in about two weeks.
Ainu Laire: BUTTON!
Terreis: Thanks, but Aragorn belongs to ME! *snort* Like either of us has a chance. Oh well, a girl can dream can't she?
BubbleBubbleGumGum: Okay, just you!
Saralitizie: Thank you! I always like to hear that I improved someone's day!
RandomPirate: Yeah, slush. I tried to forget about that bit. I hate slush.
Mornie Utule: Sorry, I seem to be stuck ending my chapters with cliff hangers. Don't hurt me!
Lara Christ: CRAZY! Hah! Yes I am CRAZY! Thank you!