Title: Looking Through the Bottom Half of the Glass
Author: Evidence
Rating: PG
Author's Notes: A b-day present for D whose encouragement propels my writing. This is written in the first person perspective of Sara.
+++++
How did I end up here? That's the first thought that comes to my head as my eyes slowly open and light beams into them stinging them so.
I'll never forget the first time I saw him. He was a little younger than, eyes as bright and blue as now, dark curls and a small smile. He looked like my dream man if I had been so inclined to spend time dreaming up what the perfect man for me looked like. But I would rather read about Newton's Laws than spend my life in a fantasy world. I like the concentrate, what I can put my hands on, figure out, solve. And my relationship- if you can call it that-with him was always something dipping with unproven theories and not hard scientific facts.
When he had asked me to help him out- thus leaving my job, my life in San Francisco (okay so I really didn't have much of a life but...) I assumed that he wanted me around for more than professional reasons. I can't to this day explain why he really asked me to come out. Whether for my knowledge and ability to search only for the truth and be fair or because he wanted to see me again. He asked me to stay, I did.
I kept waiting for some sign, some cosmic shooting star to tell me that he wanted to change our working relationship/friendship into something more. He put out hints that he did: sitting close to me, slightly staring, trying to save my life when I was stubborn enough to believe I could stop a killer. I tried to give him some hints back, especially smiles- I never smile for anyone like I do him.
Time passed and nothing great had happened. Then I decided to put myself on the line and rubbed his cheek. I chickened out slightly though. When he asked what was I doing, I shrugged it off as chalk. I wonder if he realizes I made a move or not. Grissom is brilliant in so many ways but not in knowing the human heart.
I found myself fed up eventually. If nothing was ever going to happen I wanted him to least tell me the truth but he sad nothing. I went on a date- no jealousy. I asked for a leave of absence and that finally woke him up a little bit. He could never understand the hurt he caused me when he didn't realize I was a vegetarian. I knew everything about him, everything that he would reveal. From his favorite black socks with a slight hole that he wore whenever he was hitting a wall with a case to his choice in music. And he didn't realize this important principle in my life.
Sometimes I feel so close to him and other times so far away.
Our relationship got better but still nothing happened. I began to believe that if it wasn't meant to be, if we were just to flirt, then so be it. A chemical reaction cannot occur without both particles beginning to sizzle. Then I turned to Hank, which turned out to be one of my more idiotic moves in my life. He seemed to like me, to want to know where I could eat for dinner, to want to listen to me, to want to spend time with me. I needed that; I needed that so badly- just to have someone care. Grissom wasn't happy with me and that brought me some joy. Maybe he would finally realize that he had feelings for me. My feelings for Hank could not compare to what I felt for Grissom but I didn't want to end up all alone without anyone in my life. At the time I believed Hank to be a good man and myself lucky to have him around.
I tried desperately to forget Grissom who had moved on and make a new life with Hank. Something was missing though and then Hank turned out to be a louse and our relationship just a fraud. It was a huge ego blow and demoralizing as well. All I wanted was to wrap myself in Grissom's arms and cry but I had a hard time looking at him then.
The rumors of his indiscretion with a suspect I heard but I truly didn't believe them. This was Grissom who would never jeopardize a case for a relationship- he didn't even know how to have one. And if he was going to throw everything away it would be for me, right? Right? He had chosen to risk his job for someone else, someone who's name still makes my stomach twist and my eyes see red. How could he do that...ask me to come to Vegas, flirt with me, share some wonderful moments only to choose someone the polar opposite of me.
I blamed myself of course. It was my fault. I dated Hank. I drove him to her. But the reality that he was more comfortable with her than with me hit me like a ton of bricks.
And then everything blew- literary. I had been seeking him earlier that day for I finally came to the conclusion that whatever was between us either needed to begin or be ended. I was prepared to lay my cards on the table and hope for the best shot. A 50 percent chance at gaining what I had wanted for so long. The explosion happened sending me into a state that I never want to be in again. Everything was like on a Ferris Wheel, going slowly up and then slowly down. I was yelled at by Nick of all people and Brass who didn't understand what I was going through. I could have died, the possibility was there due to Catherine being Catherine and only paying attention to her so-called dismal life. Catherine gets forgiven, I get yelled at and then Grissom turns me down. A lesser person would have quit on the spot.
I was going along fine with it all. I had said goodbye to Grissom in my mind but not my heart and I ached for him on a daily basis. I wanted back at least the little moments if that was all I was going to get. And then came the case of Debbie.
There is a school of thought that believes that there is someone who is like you in looks or attitude or behaviors that lives somewhere else. A doppelganger. Debbie was my doppelganger to an alarming degree. She had a much wilder life than I would ever want but our looks were similar and she too had fallen for her boss and dated a man her own age. I could tell the parallels were not lost on Grissom. But per unusual with him he never said anything to me. I had to hear a personal conversation between him and Dr. Lurie, the prime suspect and killer, who would get off.
I had so many mixed emotions as I listened to him. Joy that he finally admitted his feelings. Fear that we were about to head in another direction. Then sadness when he said he couldn't take the chance to be with me. He didn't say he never would be ready but I can't spend the rest of my thirties hoping. In some ways it was worse hearing how deep his feelings ran. We could have spent all this time together going to rare book sales, eating pasta, kissing, being one. But we spent it alone and miserable.
I've never been someone who counted on other people when I've been down. I have always engrossed myself in my job- spending more time there, searching for genetics websites, and researching criminal behavior in the library. It was my outlet and the only thing I really had in my life. Grissom took that away from me now. I still work but I'm not respected as I once was. Greg is being tutored by Catherine and Warrick; the two CSIs who should be the first to lose their jobs due to their screw-ups. I applied for the Key Position and while no one has said anything yet I have a feeling Nick will get it. Especially if the grapevine is true and Grissom nominated him. That makes me sad and angry at once. I know- not because of ego but because of skill- that I'm the best for that job. But Grissom won't recommend me either because he doesn't want people to talk or because he doesn't think I can do it.
People talking about what, I want to ask. What has happened between us?
With no Grissom, no true friends to call my own, and no solace in work I was left for the first time in my life in a strange place. A place dark and scary, haunting me, telling me of my inadequacy. Feeling like I wanted to cry, having a moment with Grissom that wouldn't go anywhere, having no one to understand. I needed Grissom now more than ever but I couldn't have him even though we were on more friendly terms.
That's when I came home one night and opened a beer. I gulped it quickly, put on some music and just relaxed. I felt so much better. So I had another. Soon the six pack I had bought two weeks before was gone. But I felt better somehow now, more calm and not in that dark place.
I didn't drink the next night, nor the night after that. But then I had a few beers the other night after Grissom had waved to me with a large smile. He wasn't mine, he wouldn't be mine and it was too painful. I needed the pain to go away.
I began drinking much more- never during work but right after. A few drinks until I was calm. Spicing up my selection with rum, tequila, and vodka. I stopped on different days just to make sure I could. I was learning more about music as I sat there and drank and even began feeling maybe I could start playing an instrument or something. I wasn't doing anything wrong.
When Brass confronted me I wanted to scream. He was making me out to be a problem drinker, a drunk. I don't like anyone knowing anything private about me unless it's Grissom so this invasion into my subconscious riled me up. And now the few drinks were turning into more.
I decided last night to head to a bar. Normal people do that all the time. A fight broke out and I ended up in the middle of it- a nice punch to the face. I'll never forget Grissom's face when he walked through the door and saw me. I was swaying slightly and my eyes probably gave away my drunkenness. He didn't say a word; just put his arm around me and walked me to a waiting EMT. Thankfully not one Hank and I had known.
"You're not driving home," he told me, his voice almost a whisper.
"I didn't drive here," I replied after the EMT released me. "I took a cab."
He sighed audibly. "Good." Then I saw that look he gets when pieces of a puzzle beginning taking shape. "You came here to get drunk."
I turned away at the point. I couldn't look into those blue eyes, I couldn't tell him the truth.
His warm hand touched my shoulder. "I'm driving you home."
"No, I'll take a cab."
"No you won't." His voice was more forceful that time and he led me to his SUV.
I must have fallen asleep on the drive to my place for when I awoke just a few minutes ago I was not in my apartment. There were wondrous pictures of butterflies, a funky looking hand sculpture, and books to rival my library. It was Grissom's place. I always wanted to spend the night here but not by laying on the couch in my clothes with a green blanket draped on me.
"Morning," he said entering from the bathroom most likely, his head was still wet so that his curls were now ringlets.
"Morning," I replied back my mouth quite dry and need of a liquid.
He came right up to me and bended down so that we were eye level. "Sara we need to talk about your problem."
Problem? My problem is you. "I don't have a problem."
Grissom stuck his tongue out slightly. I always loved that move. "Sara, you were at a bar to get drunk."
"Yes...I think the majority of the people there were getting drunk too."
"I'm only concerned about you.'
I was taken back by his omission. Grissom never laid any feelings out no matter how unimportant they were.
He continued, "You can't use alcohol as a substitute."
"A substitute for what?"
He swallowed rocking back slightly on his heels. "A substitute for life."
"I have to go," I said starting to get up. The room spun around and I grabbed for the nearest safety hold I could find. It turned out to be Grissom's arm.
The spinning stopped and I looked at him and him at me. Probably for the first time really we were seeing who we were inside, looking into each other's souls.
I wanted to kiss him, to feel his lips against mine but he backed up, nearly forcing me to tumble down in front of him.
"I can't," he said shaking his head, his fear showing.
I nodded not really understanding. "Can I have some water and toast please and then I'll be out of your hair."
"Sure, I'll get it for you." He went off to complete his mission.
I held back my tears at my latest disappointment. Would that man ever be ready to have a relationship? I pondered. I already knew what I was going to do after work that night- find my refuge back hopefully at the bar.
The end.
Author: Evidence
Rating: PG
Author's Notes: A b-day present for D whose encouragement propels my writing. This is written in the first person perspective of Sara.
+++++
How did I end up here? That's the first thought that comes to my head as my eyes slowly open and light beams into them stinging them so.
I'll never forget the first time I saw him. He was a little younger than, eyes as bright and blue as now, dark curls and a small smile. He looked like my dream man if I had been so inclined to spend time dreaming up what the perfect man for me looked like. But I would rather read about Newton's Laws than spend my life in a fantasy world. I like the concentrate, what I can put my hands on, figure out, solve. And my relationship- if you can call it that-with him was always something dipping with unproven theories and not hard scientific facts.
When he had asked me to help him out- thus leaving my job, my life in San Francisco (okay so I really didn't have much of a life but...) I assumed that he wanted me around for more than professional reasons. I can't to this day explain why he really asked me to come out. Whether for my knowledge and ability to search only for the truth and be fair or because he wanted to see me again. He asked me to stay, I did.
I kept waiting for some sign, some cosmic shooting star to tell me that he wanted to change our working relationship/friendship into something more. He put out hints that he did: sitting close to me, slightly staring, trying to save my life when I was stubborn enough to believe I could stop a killer. I tried to give him some hints back, especially smiles- I never smile for anyone like I do him.
Time passed and nothing great had happened. Then I decided to put myself on the line and rubbed his cheek. I chickened out slightly though. When he asked what was I doing, I shrugged it off as chalk. I wonder if he realizes I made a move or not. Grissom is brilliant in so many ways but not in knowing the human heart.
I found myself fed up eventually. If nothing was ever going to happen I wanted him to least tell me the truth but he sad nothing. I went on a date- no jealousy. I asked for a leave of absence and that finally woke him up a little bit. He could never understand the hurt he caused me when he didn't realize I was a vegetarian. I knew everything about him, everything that he would reveal. From his favorite black socks with a slight hole that he wore whenever he was hitting a wall with a case to his choice in music. And he didn't realize this important principle in my life.
Sometimes I feel so close to him and other times so far away.
Our relationship got better but still nothing happened. I began to believe that if it wasn't meant to be, if we were just to flirt, then so be it. A chemical reaction cannot occur without both particles beginning to sizzle. Then I turned to Hank, which turned out to be one of my more idiotic moves in my life. He seemed to like me, to want to know where I could eat for dinner, to want to listen to me, to want to spend time with me. I needed that; I needed that so badly- just to have someone care. Grissom wasn't happy with me and that brought me some joy. Maybe he would finally realize that he had feelings for me. My feelings for Hank could not compare to what I felt for Grissom but I didn't want to end up all alone without anyone in my life. At the time I believed Hank to be a good man and myself lucky to have him around.
I tried desperately to forget Grissom who had moved on and make a new life with Hank. Something was missing though and then Hank turned out to be a louse and our relationship just a fraud. It was a huge ego blow and demoralizing as well. All I wanted was to wrap myself in Grissom's arms and cry but I had a hard time looking at him then.
The rumors of his indiscretion with a suspect I heard but I truly didn't believe them. This was Grissom who would never jeopardize a case for a relationship- he didn't even know how to have one. And if he was going to throw everything away it would be for me, right? Right? He had chosen to risk his job for someone else, someone who's name still makes my stomach twist and my eyes see red. How could he do that...ask me to come to Vegas, flirt with me, share some wonderful moments only to choose someone the polar opposite of me.
I blamed myself of course. It was my fault. I dated Hank. I drove him to her. But the reality that he was more comfortable with her than with me hit me like a ton of bricks.
And then everything blew- literary. I had been seeking him earlier that day for I finally came to the conclusion that whatever was between us either needed to begin or be ended. I was prepared to lay my cards on the table and hope for the best shot. A 50 percent chance at gaining what I had wanted for so long. The explosion happened sending me into a state that I never want to be in again. Everything was like on a Ferris Wheel, going slowly up and then slowly down. I was yelled at by Nick of all people and Brass who didn't understand what I was going through. I could have died, the possibility was there due to Catherine being Catherine and only paying attention to her so-called dismal life. Catherine gets forgiven, I get yelled at and then Grissom turns me down. A lesser person would have quit on the spot.
I was going along fine with it all. I had said goodbye to Grissom in my mind but not my heart and I ached for him on a daily basis. I wanted back at least the little moments if that was all I was going to get. And then came the case of Debbie.
There is a school of thought that believes that there is someone who is like you in looks or attitude or behaviors that lives somewhere else. A doppelganger. Debbie was my doppelganger to an alarming degree. She had a much wilder life than I would ever want but our looks were similar and she too had fallen for her boss and dated a man her own age. I could tell the parallels were not lost on Grissom. But per unusual with him he never said anything to me. I had to hear a personal conversation between him and Dr. Lurie, the prime suspect and killer, who would get off.
I had so many mixed emotions as I listened to him. Joy that he finally admitted his feelings. Fear that we were about to head in another direction. Then sadness when he said he couldn't take the chance to be with me. He didn't say he never would be ready but I can't spend the rest of my thirties hoping. In some ways it was worse hearing how deep his feelings ran. We could have spent all this time together going to rare book sales, eating pasta, kissing, being one. But we spent it alone and miserable.
I've never been someone who counted on other people when I've been down. I have always engrossed myself in my job- spending more time there, searching for genetics websites, and researching criminal behavior in the library. It was my outlet and the only thing I really had in my life. Grissom took that away from me now. I still work but I'm not respected as I once was. Greg is being tutored by Catherine and Warrick; the two CSIs who should be the first to lose their jobs due to their screw-ups. I applied for the Key Position and while no one has said anything yet I have a feeling Nick will get it. Especially if the grapevine is true and Grissom nominated him. That makes me sad and angry at once. I know- not because of ego but because of skill- that I'm the best for that job. But Grissom won't recommend me either because he doesn't want people to talk or because he doesn't think I can do it.
People talking about what, I want to ask. What has happened between us?
With no Grissom, no true friends to call my own, and no solace in work I was left for the first time in my life in a strange place. A place dark and scary, haunting me, telling me of my inadequacy. Feeling like I wanted to cry, having a moment with Grissom that wouldn't go anywhere, having no one to understand. I needed Grissom now more than ever but I couldn't have him even though we were on more friendly terms.
That's when I came home one night and opened a beer. I gulped it quickly, put on some music and just relaxed. I felt so much better. So I had another. Soon the six pack I had bought two weeks before was gone. But I felt better somehow now, more calm and not in that dark place.
I didn't drink the next night, nor the night after that. But then I had a few beers the other night after Grissom had waved to me with a large smile. He wasn't mine, he wouldn't be mine and it was too painful. I needed the pain to go away.
I began drinking much more- never during work but right after. A few drinks until I was calm. Spicing up my selection with rum, tequila, and vodka. I stopped on different days just to make sure I could. I was learning more about music as I sat there and drank and even began feeling maybe I could start playing an instrument or something. I wasn't doing anything wrong.
When Brass confronted me I wanted to scream. He was making me out to be a problem drinker, a drunk. I don't like anyone knowing anything private about me unless it's Grissom so this invasion into my subconscious riled me up. And now the few drinks were turning into more.
I decided last night to head to a bar. Normal people do that all the time. A fight broke out and I ended up in the middle of it- a nice punch to the face. I'll never forget Grissom's face when he walked through the door and saw me. I was swaying slightly and my eyes probably gave away my drunkenness. He didn't say a word; just put his arm around me and walked me to a waiting EMT. Thankfully not one Hank and I had known.
"You're not driving home," he told me, his voice almost a whisper.
"I didn't drive here," I replied after the EMT released me. "I took a cab."
He sighed audibly. "Good." Then I saw that look he gets when pieces of a puzzle beginning taking shape. "You came here to get drunk."
I turned away at the point. I couldn't look into those blue eyes, I couldn't tell him the truth.
His warm hand touched my shoulder. "I'm driving you home."
"No, I'll take a cab."
"No you won't." His voice was more forceful that time and he led me to his SUV.
I must have fallen asleep on the drive to my place for when I awoke just a few minutes ago I was not in my apartment. There were wondrous pictures of butterflies, a funky looking hand sculpture, and books to rival my library. It was Grissom's place. I always wanted to spend the night here but not by laying on the couch in my clothes with a green blanket draped on me.
"Morning," he said entering from the bathroom most likely, his head was still wet so that his curls were now ringlets.
"Morning," I replied back my mouth quite dry and need of a liquid.
He came right up to me and bended down so that we were eye level. "Sara we need to talk about your problem."
Problem? My problem is you. "I don't have a problem."
Grissom stuck his tongue out slightly. I always loved that move. "Sara, you were at a bar to get drunk."
"Yes...I think the majority of the people there were getting drunk too."
"I'm only concerned about you.'
I was taken back by his omission. Grissom never laid any feelings out no matter how unimportant they were.
He continued, "You can't use alcohol as a substitute."
"A substitute for what?"
He swallowed rocking back slightly on his heels. "A substitute for life."
"I have to go," I said starting to get up. The room spun around and I grabbed for the nearest safety hold I could find. It turned out to be Grissom's arm.
The spinning stopped and I looked at him and him at me. Probably for the first time really we were seeing who we were inside, looking into each other's souls.
I wanted to kiss him, to feel his lips against mine but he backed up, nearly forcing me to tumble down in front of him.
"I can't," he said shaking his head, his fear showing.
I nodded not really understanding. "Can I have some water and toast please and then I'll be out of your hair."
"Sure, I'll get it for you." He went off to complete his mission.
I held back my tears at my latest disappointment. Would that man ever be ready to have a relationship? I pondered. I already knew what I was going to do after work that night- find my refuge back hopefully at the bar.
The end.