As Told By Aya-----Diary Entry Three [[Omi and the Lessons of Life]]
Disclaimer: I'm too poor to own Weiss Kreuz, manga and anime, period. Lets just leave it at that.
###-----
Dear Aya-chan,
Evidently there was no plot against, and the whole assassination situation was not a setup for my ultimate demise. It was an easy mistake to make. Everyone has their moments. Because of this, I've decided to write in you again. Happy, aren't you?
However, that doesn't make things better. Not at all.
You see, today could only be described as memorable, but in a bad way.
Curious?
It's alright, I understand. You're dying to know.
Right?
Good.
Interestingly enough, the issue began not with that inadequate Kudou, but with Tsukiyono, or rather, TAKATORI!!!
As I was saying, it started when Mr. I'm So Great 'Cause I've Got Black Lungs Kudou started bragging about one of his latest sex escapades. Talk about one-track mind. Of course, Ken joined in the conversation as well, knowing his nature. Seeing as Omi and I were there as well, we of course, said our bits as well.
This does not mean I'm a horny, smoking man like Yohji. God forbid the day that happens.
Omi, being the young, innocent boy *coughTakatoricough* that he is, started asking the questions about the matter. A seventeen year old boy wondering about sex. What is wrong with this picture?
Yohji, being the adult, crooked man that he is, felt the need to explain and "enlighten" Omi about the subject. So he puts an arm around the high school senior and gets that dangerous look in his eye, one that says, "I'm about to do what I think is right, which actually means it's wrong, but since I'm doing it, it has to be right, though in reality if I do, that means it must be wrong." At least that how I interpret it. And how it usually ends up.
I, being the leaderly, no-nonsense man that I am, turn away and continue chopping turnips for dinner, while pretending I'm part of the furniture.
Ken, being the idiotic, curious somewhere between boy and man that he is, hops in for the explanation. Upon seeing my stoic, red sweatered back, he immediately shouts for me to listen in as well. I give him a grunt. Never being one to catch onto subtle hints, he yells that he'd rather hear the uncorrupt version from me than from Yohji. Omi cheerily agrees, and Kudou puts on a smirk.
This is where the scene gets ugly.
Me, Aya Fujimiya, stoic assassin and cold-hearted florist, explaining to a seventeen year old, an ex-soccer star, and some guy who's been with one too many girls sex? No. No. Never. And no. Life doesn't work this way. It never has - it never will.
But do the other three follow the path of life? The answer can only be described in pity I have for myself at being in the company of these people. What joy.
I take a deep breath.
And another deep breath.
And one more deep breath.
A man's got to get his lungs going, you know.
I wedge myself between Omi and Yohji and begin, extremely annoyed and somewhat embarrassed.
"Omi, do you know where babies come from?"
"The stork, of course. Everyone knows that. But why are we talking about birds right now, Aya-kun? What's that got to do with anything?"
I feel sorry for the poor boy. I'm going to have to speak with his teachers and the school board about their education system. I mean, the stork!?! Where did that come from? And for a boy his age!
"No, Omi. Babies do not come from storks. The storks are only a story."
"Really?" Ken butts in. "So that picture my mom once showed me of that bird wasn't the creature who gave birth to me… No wonder I don't have wings."
I refrain myself from any comment. With much effort.
"It actually starts when a man and a woman really love each other."
"Wow. Does that mean Yohji was deeply in love with all those hundreds of women he talked to on the phone?"
"Er, no, not quite. You'll learn about that in a second. What I'm talking about is the natural way, not when men get horny and uh….Like I said, Omi, a man and a woman have to really love each other. They go to a bedroom-"
"Why a bedroom? Why not the kitchen? Or at school? Or in the snow? It's really fun there, you know."
"It's a bedroom because….it's comfortable and has a bed. That's that, Omi. A bedroom."
This is the most mortifying moment of my life. Isn't this what sex-ed is for? Omi had better not have been asleep when class was taking place. Perhaps letting Kudou taking charge would be a lot easier. No, I won't let Ken and Omi be corrupted. It's bad enough one of us does what they do every night. If that multiplies, I'm not going to be getting any sleep soon. I will not give in.
"Then the guy puts his….thing…in her, uh….thing, womanhood, whatever you call it. Wait, vagina! That's the word! Vagina, vagina, vagina! Remember that vocabulary, Omi. It's vagina."
"Got it. Vagina."
"Yes, and uh, that's it. I have to use the restroom now, excuse me."
"Wait! I still don't get it!"
Gritting my teeth, I plop down on the sofa once more and mutter a, "Yes?"
"That's it? Yohji told me things a lot differently."
I glare daggers at Yohji, who seems to have done a horrible job at attempting to shrink and be smaller. He starts becoming very interested in the hole on the side of the couch and starts playing with it. Meanwhile, I start my lesson again.
"Okay. The man's semen goes into the vagina and joins up with one of her eggy-thingies and uh, creates a baby."
"That's quick. Hey Yohji, are all the women you slept with pregnant now?"
I smirk at the bewildered look on his face. Good for him. Even Omi now recognizes the consequences of his actions.
"No, actually. Aya here will explain to you all about it. A simple misuse of words, really."
He grins at my bewildered now. Evil man. I huff, and puff, and blow Omi away with my clarification. Almost.
"Not quite, Omi. You see, sometimes the semen does get to the egg. Sometimes it's blocked. If it does get through, the woman takes nine months to fertilize the egg, and then it's a live baby. Understood?"
"You mean, kind of like pollinating?"
"Um, sure. Just like pollinating, only with humans. It's the birds and the bees all over again."
"So when people have sex, the man is spreading his pollen to the woman, right?"
"Yes, something like that. The man is the bee, or the bird, or whatever, and the woman is the flower. This is sex."
"Oh. But Aya-kun…does this mean…are we…PLANTS!?!"
Jesus Christ. What are they teaching high school seniors in that school of Omi's? How can humans be plants? Didn't they study biology and viewed the difference between plant cells and animal cells? This boy is even sadder than I thought. Even Ken wouldn't get that notion. I think.
"Omi, we are animals. Not plants. Sex is NOT the same between plants and animals. What we are dealing with is animal sex. ANIMAL. Put basically, two people have intercourse by….uh….you heard my previous definition. Now is everything clear?"
"Yeah, sort of. One more thing, though. I hear this a lot from Yohji and well, would like to know the definition."
Stupid Kudou. Slathering the kid's mind with your corrupted terms and then making me explain them. And you call yourself a man!
"What's a virgin?"
"Well, you see…um…a virgin is someone who hasn't had sex yet."
"Oh. Can I ask one more question?"
I was almost about to explode. This is what teachers are for. Bother them with your questions about virgins, not some assassin who just wants to chop turnips for dinner in peace!
"Are you a virgin?"
Kudou and Hidaka just about crack up at this point, Hidaka being the one clumsy enough to actually fall off his seat on the couch. Snorts and snickers are everywhere. I swear, even the lady walking past the flower shop stopped to get my answer. However, guess what brilliant action I took at this moment?
I went to the bathroom.
Pure genius. And if they ask me again, I'll simply pull out my katana, give them my icy look, and ask if they've planned their funeral yet. Diabolical of me, isn't it?
Once More,
Aya
Disclaimer: I'm too poor to own Weiss Kreuz, manga and anime, period. Lets just leave it at that.
###-----
Dear Aya-chan,
Evidently there was no plot against, and the whole assassination situation was not a setup for my ultimate demise. It was an easy mistake to make. Everyone has their moments. Because of this, I've decided to write in you again. Happy, aren't you?
However, that doesn't make things better. Not at all.
You see, today could only be described as memorable, but in a bad way.
Curious?
It's alright, I understand. You're dying to know.
Right?
Good.
Interestingly enough, the issue began not with that inadequate Kudou, but with Tsukiyono, or rather, TAKATORI!!!
As I was saying, it started when Mr. I'm So Great 'Cause I've Got Black Lungs Kudou started bragging about one of his latest sex escapades. Talk about one-track mind. Of course, Ken joined in the conversation as well, knowing his nature. Seeing as Omi and I were there as well, we of course, said our bits as well.
This does not mean I'm a horny, smoking man like Yohji. God forbid the day that happens.
Omi, being the young, innocent boy *coughTakatoricough* that he is, started asking the questions about the matter. A seventeen year old boy wondering about sex. What is wrong with this picture?
Yohji, being the adult, crooked man that he is, felt the need to explain and "enlighten" Omi about the subject. So he puts an arm around the high school senior and gets that dangerous look in his eye, one that says, "I'm about to do what I think is right, which actually means it's wrong, but since I'm doing it, it has to be right, though in reality if I do, that means it must be wrong." At least that how I interpret it. And how it usually ends up.
I, being the leaderly, no-nonsense man that I am, turn away and continue chopping turnips for dinner, while pretending I'm part of the furniture.
Ken, being the idiotic, curious somewhere between boy and man that he is, hops in for the explanation. Upon seeing my stoic, red sweatered back, he immediately shouts for me to listen in as well. I give him a grunt. Never being one to catch onto subtle hints, he yells that he'd rather hear the uncorrupt version from me than from Yohji. Omi cheerily agrees, and Kudou puts on a smirk.
This is where the scene gets ugly.
Me, Aya Fujimiya, stoic assassin and cold-hearted florist, explaining to a seventeen year old, an ex-soccer star, and some guy who's been with one too many girls sex? No. No. Never. And no. Life doesn't work this way. It never has - it never will.
But do the other three follow the path of life? The answer can only be described in pity I have for myself at being in the company of these people. What joy.
I take a deep breath.
And another deep breath.
And one more deep breath.
A man's got to get his lungs going, you know.
I wedge myself between Omi and Yohji and begin, extremely annoyed and somewhat embarrassed.
"Omi, do you know where babies come from?"
"The stork, of course. Everyone knows that. But why are we talking about birds right now, Aya-kun? What's that got to do with anything?"
I feel sorry for the poor boy. I'm going to have to speak with his teachers and the school board about their education system. I mean, the stork!?! Where did that come from? And for a boy his age!
"No, Omi. Babies do not come from storks. The storks are only a story."
"Really?" Ken butts in. "So that picture my mom once showed me of that bird wasn't the creature who gave birth to me… No wonder I don't have wings."
I refrain myself from any comment. With much effort.
"It actually starts when a man and a woman really love each other."
"Wow. Does that mean Yohji was deeply in love with all those hundreds of women he talked to on the phone?"
"Er, no, not quite. You'll learn about that in a second. What I'm talking about is the natural way, not when men get horny and uh….Like I said, Omi, a man and a woman have to really love each other. They go to a bedroom-"
"Why a bedroom? Why not the kitchen? Or at school? Or in the snow? It's really fun there, you know."
"It's a bedroom because….it's comfortable and has a bed. That's that, Omi. A bedroom."
This is the most mortifying moment of my life. Isn't this what sex-ed is for? Omi had better not have been asleep when class was taking place. Perhaps letting Kudou taking charge would be a lot easier. No, I won't let Ken and Omi be corrupted. It's bad enough one of us does what they do every night. If that multiplies, I'm not going to be getting any sleep soon. I will not give in.
"Then the guy puts his….thing…in her, uh….thing, womanhood, whatever you call it. Wait, vagina! That's the word! Vagina, vagina, vagina! Remember that vocabulary, Omi. It's vagina."
"Got it. Vagina."
"Yes, and uh, that's it. I have to use the restroom now, excuse me."
"Wait! I still don't get it!"
Gritting my teeth, I plop down on the sofa once more and mutter a, "Yes?"
"That's it? Yohji told me things a lot differently."
I glare daggers at Yohji, who seems to have done a horrible job at attempting to shrink and be smaller. He starts becoming very interested in the hole on the side of the couch and starts playing with it. Meanwhile, I start my lesson again.
"Okay. The man's semen goes into the vagina and joins up with one of her eggy-thingies and uh, creates a baby."
"That's quick. Hey Yohji, are all the women you slept with pregnant now?"
I smirk at the bewildered look on his face. Good for him. Even Omi now recognizes the consequences of his actions.
"No, actually. Aya here will explain to you all about it. A simple misuse of words, really."
He grins at my bewildered now. Evil man. I huff, and puff, and blow Omi away with my clarification. Almost.
"Not quite, Omi. You see, sometimes the semen does get to the egg. Sometimes it's blocked. If it does get through, the woman takes nine months to fertilize the egg, and then it's a live baby. Understood?"
"You mean, kind of like pollinating?"
"Um, sure. Just like pollinating, only with humans. It's the birds and the bees all over again."
"So when people have sex, the man is spreading his pollen to the woman, right?"
"Yes, something like that. The man is the bee, or the bird, or whatever, and the woman is the flower. This is sex."
"Oh. But Aya-kun…does this mean…are we…PLANTS!?!"
Jesus Christ. What are they teaching high school seniors in that school of Omi's? How can humans be plants? Didn't they study biology and viewed the difference between plant cells and animal cells? This boy is even sadder than I thought. Even Ken wouldn't get that notion. I think.
"Omi, we are animals. Not plants. Sex is NOT the same between plants and animals. What we are dealing with is animal sex. ANIMAL. Put basically, two people have intercourse by….uh….you heard my previous definition. Now is everything clear?"
"Yeah, sort of. One more thing, though. I hear this a lot from Yohji and well, would like to know the definition."
Stupid Kudou. Slathering the kid's mind with your corrupted terms and then making me explain them. And you call yourself a man!
"What's a virgin?"
"Well, you see…um…a virgin is someone who hasn't had sex yet."
"Oh. Can I ask one more question?"
I was almost about to explode. This is what teachers are for. Bother them with your questions about virgins, not some assassin who just wants to chop turnips for dinner in peace!
"Are you a virgin?"
Kudou and Hidaka just about crack up at this point, Hidaka being the one clumsy enough to actually fall off his seat on the couch. Snorts and snickers are everywhere. I swear, even the lady walking past the flower shop stopped to get my answer. However, guess what brilliant action I took at this moment?
I went to the bathroom.
Pure genius. And if they ask me again, I'll simply pull out my katana, give them my icy look, and ask if they've planned their funeral yet. Diabolical of me, isn't it?
Once More,
Aya