A/N: Once again, Gravitation is not mine. ~_~ Also, the formatting on this may be a little off. I usually edit these in Notepad, but Word is infinitely quicker. Even if there are one too many spaces. ~_~

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Hitori
By Ryu-chan

Chapter Four: Overdose Delusion
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Dinner came and went without incident.

Stretched out on the couch, Eiri stared sleepily up at the ceiling as he listened to the sounds of Touma cleaning up in the kitchen. He couldn't think of the last time that he'd had a full meal, and the Italian pasta and wine Touma had served left him feeling tired and strangely content.

And for once, there was noise in the apartment. //Noise that I can explain, anyway.// It had been so long since he could simply lie there and hear life in the next room without thinking that he was going insane. It had been so long since he wasn't alone in that apartment, since he could feel sleepy without being afraid. //It could all be in my head. Maybe it's all some trick my mind has been playing on me, some kind of punishment I'm putting myself through for shutting everyone out.//

Well, he wasn't alone now, so what was the harm in relaxing a little?

Eiri closed his eyes and sighed deeply. Yes, this felt nice...

There was nothing you could have done.

He frowned slightly. The conversation from earlier had been whispering in the back of his mind through dinner, but he had chosen to ignore it, deciding to take what Touma had said at face value. He would try to accept the situation for what it was, at least until he had proof that would tell him otherwise.

There wasn't anything _anyone_ could have done for him.

But it was tugging at him now, nudging the darkened corners of his memory as if insisting that there was something more.

He wasn't alone, Eiri-san.

Why didn't that sound right? Why did it sound as if Touma was saddened by the fact that Shuuichi hadn't died alone?

//Did he hate Shuuichi that much?//

He didn't suffer... did he?

No...

Eiri sighed again. It seemed that instead of really answering anything, the conversation had merely brought up _more_ questions, _more_ reasons for him to ask "why?". There had been pauses that seemed too long, changes in Touma's voice that were suspiciously out of character. Then again, he could always be misinterpreting things.

//It's all speculation anyway. Other than what he's told me, I have no idea what really happened.//

Touma could be secretive at times, but in this case Eiri believed that the older man was telling the truth. Not because he trusted Touma's integrity... //But because you _want_ to believe him.//

Eiri turned onto his side, turning his thoughts to what had been said at dinner. Conversation had been shallow, and Touma had managed to skillfully steer them away from any discussion of Shuuichi every time it seemed that they were getting too close. While Touma was a master at manipulating conversation, Eiri was just as good at getting what he wanted from him. When he had the strength, anyway. //Too tired to fight,so I let him win.// However, when the silent lull between them had been too much, Eiri asked about Mika. As soon as he said his sister's name, something about Touma's demeanor changed visibly.

"I haven't seen her since before all of this," Eiri had said as he idly swirled the red wine in his glass. "How is she?"

"She was called away on business not too long ago," Touma had replied. Something in his voice hinted that he was uncertain about his answer, and for a moment Eiri had wondered if he'd caught the other man off-guard. "I talked to her recently. She said that she wouldn't be back until the end of this month, but she sends her love." Touma avoided Eiri's questioning look, averting his gaze to the plate in front of him. He laughed. "How forgetful of me. I could have sworn that I had told you."

Eiri's head hurt. The more he thought about it, the more confused he became. It seemed that Touma was hiding something about Mika as well, but before Eiri could pursue it further, Touma had managed to change the topic yet again.

//This all has to make sense sooner or later. He can't keep covering his tracks forever.//

//And _you_ can't keep expecting things to work out on their own when they obviously haven't yet.//

He considered getting up and going into the bedroom to dig out the shoebox beneath his bed. However, he dismissed the idea almost immediately. As desperate as he was to find the answers, he wasn't sure if he was ready enough for _that_. There was a tension within him that kept him away from the room that he had shared with Shuuichi for so long, a certain fear that wouldn't let him get any farther than the doorway before he was overwhelmed by emotions.

He turned onto his stomach, cushioning his head with his arms. The couch wasn't _that_ uncomfortable anyway. He'd slept there before with Shuuichi when the boy had been stubborn and refused to come to bed with the novelist. It was a rare occasion, usually after one of their arguments. If Shuuichi wouldn't come to him, then Eiri would go to Shuuichi. //That's what happened last time, anyway.//

Eiri started.

Last time.

He could remember last time.

//Almost. Just barely... //

Eiri buried his face in the cushions. //Think. Think _hard_.//

Obviously there had been an argument, but what had it been about? He ran through a quick list of some of their most common fights. Money matters? Too much noise? Neglect?

Slowly, the scene came together. Eiri could almost see Shuuichi pouting on the couch, curled up on his side with a pillow hugged against his chest. He was pretending to be asleep, ignoring whatever Eiri was saying to get the boy to come to bed. //I was frustrated with him// he remembered suddenly. //I... I gave up after a while and told him to stay there. That I didn't care what he did because he was a spoiled brat anyway... //

Turning onto his back once more, Eiri threw his arm over his eyes and clenched his jaw. Fatigue was beginning to press upon his memory, blurring the image a bit. //I was yelling at him and... then what?//

It seemed that he was almost always yelling at Shuuichi, but something different had come from this particular argument. //What was different? What was it even _about_?//

He was running up against a wall, and he went through his options again. How did Shuuichi usually react when they fought?

//He... started crying? Yelled back... ?//

//No. No, he was quiet. He didn't say anything until I had turned to leave the living room.//

He winced suddenly, a sharp pain reminding him of his earlier headache.

//I was leaving and he... said my name. He was... afraid?//

Another sharp pain, and Eiri groaned. The headache was getting worse, but he couldn't risk breaking this spell, couldn't risk losing this thin thread that was holding him to his memories.

//Afraid of what?//

What is it?

I... I'm scared.

Voices. He could hear it now, and a burst of adrenaline ran through him. Closer, he was getting closer.

Images danced before him. He was sitting on the edge of the couch, one hand resting on the boy's shoulder, who was lying where Eiri was now. //Why? Why was he scared?//

He was kissing him, could almost feel Shuuichi's lips against his own as he pulled the vocalist closely to him.

Baka. Don't you trust me?

It didn't match. The words and voices in his head weren't matching the scene.

"Yuki," the boy on the couch was whispering.

Yuki...

Confused, Eiri turned his head to the side, trying to clear the fog settling over his mind. It was almost like a memory superimposed over a memory. Wires were crossing; two separate conversations were happening at once. He watched as Shuuichi pressed him onto his back, kissing tenderly at the novelist's neck. "Yuki." His voice was breathy, needy, but the other...

Yuki.

It was pleading, a note of fear marring his tone.

He could remember the way soft strands of Shuuichi's hair tickled the side of his face as the vocalist leaned down to murmur in his lover's ear.

Yuki... !

Anxiety twisted desperately in his stomach. A dull throb was echoing in the back of his head, and he suddenly felt frightened. //What is this? What's happening?//

There was a soft touch on his hand, although he couldn't be sure if it was part of the memory or truly there, couldn't risk opening his eyes to find out.

Stop... !

"Please," Shuuichi moaned.

Another light touch, something warm spreading over his hand, tickling, itching.

The memory played on in broken flashes of picture and sound. He could hear Shuuichi's whispers, could feel the boy's slender fingers undoing the buttons on Eiri's shirt, and he moaned, the headache edging towards a migraine.

I'm scared...

"Yuki... "

Don't you trust me?

It was all bleeding together, the voices and imagery coming too quickly, repeating themselves and becoming a discordant combination of sound and time. //Stop... stop it, that's enough!//

Yuki, stop!

//Shuuichi...//

YUKI!

A piercing scream ripped Eiri from his nightmare, jerking him awake. A third touch splattered against his hand, and he glanced down.

He nearly choked.

Blood. There was blood on his hand, blood dripping from...

He looked up and came face to face with a grinning Yuki Kitazawa. Blood was trickling in a steady stream down the right side of his once-handsome face, and bits of crimson gore matted his hair down. The dead man's brown eyes glinted maliciously, and Eiri's scream died in his throat as Kitazawa lifted a finger to his lips in a shushing gesture. Eyes wide in terror, Eiri could do nothing more than stare as his former mentor reached out to him, and as much as he wanted to pull away, it seemed as though he was paralyzed. The sound of his heart pounding in his ears flooded his senses as Kitazawa brushed chilling fingertips against Eiri's cheek, and it _hurt_, freezing splinters of almostpain crackling through him. Kitazawa's lips moved in words that Eiri couldn't understand, and distantly, Shuuichi was screaming for him, screaming his name, pleading, desperate—

Strong hands suddenly gripped Eiri by the shoulders and the novelist clenched his eyes shut, trying to tear away, thrashing and yelling to let go, get away, get away--!!

"EIRI!"

Touma's frantic, panicked voice broke through, and Eiri opened his eyes to see the older man holding onto him tightly, looking down at him with an expression of absolute horror. Panting, Eiri pulled away from him and sat up, scanning the living room for any sign of his mentor, then began to obsessively inspect his hands for the blood that had been there only moments ago, wringing them almost painfully.

Touma pushed Eiri's hair out of his eyes, resting his hand against the younger man's clammy forehead worriedly. "Eiri-san, are you all right?"

Eiri shook his head and slapped Touma's hand away. "Don't-- don't touch me, I can't... I can't breathe..."

"Calm down," Touma soothed, taking one of Eiri's trembling hands into his own, but the novelist yanked it away immediately.

"I said don't touch me!" he growled, raking his fingers through his hair and curling his hand into a fist at the back of his head. Trembling almost violently, Eiri dug through his pockets, snarling to himself when he couldn't find his cigarettes. Glancing past a somewhat confused Touma, Eiri found them laying on the coffee table and snatched them up- only to throw the empty pack to the floor with a curse.

Touma laid a gentle hand on the novelist's shoulder. "Eiri--"

"I can't do this anymore," Eiri mumbled as he pulled away from Touma again and got up from the couch.

"Where are you going?" Touma asked, following close behind as the novelist stalked down the hall to the front door.

"Out," Eiri muttered as he pulled his jacket off the hook by the door and slipped his shoes on. "I have to get out of here."

Touma made no argument or move to stop him as Eiri stepped out into the stale air of the apartment building, leaving home for the first time in three weeks. For a moment, he simply stood there alone in the hall, wondering why everything felt so... _different._ He looked down at his hands //still clean// and at the car keys clutched in one fist. He had nowhere to go. What was the chance that all of the places that used to bring him solace could do so once his entire world had been pulled out from under him? What if, instead of peace, he found even more grief?

//It doesn't matter now. Nothing matters now except getting out of here.//

With that single thought, Eiri made his way to the parking garage.

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A/N: Gomen minna, I didn't mean for this to take so long. @_@ I absolutely _hate_ this chapter. Poor Minuit, the amount of beta-ing required on this thing… sheesh.

Anyway, sorry for delay. Chapter Five probably won't be coming out any time soon either, so I hope this was enjoyable for the most part. ^-^;;