Also, I do appreciate your emails and reviews. I like to know that people are enjoying Hitori, which is really almost the only thing keeping this thing going.
Michelle - I received your email, but when I tried to reply, I kept getting an error.
I've rambled enough. I suppose all that's left is to say "Please let me know what you think, and I hope you enjoy Chapter 6 of Hitori: The Fic That Never Should Have Been". ^_~
Hitori
By Katsumi
Chapter Six: Ashes and Ghost
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The first thing Eiri registered was the trickling sound of water running somewhere nearby. Next was the aching cold that enveloped him, and something incredibly uncomfortable was digging into his left hip. He shifted a bit as he wearily opened his eyes.
Strobes of light flashed weakly, reflecting off the lake of water all around him, and then it was dark once more. An electric hum filled his head, crackling and snapping with the delayed flashes. Groaning, he pushed himself up to his knees slowly, his limbs feeling weak and sore, as if he'd been asleep for far too long. He found that he was lying upon a door and that the brass knob had been what was prodding him. He was in a narrow hallway. Farther down, a fluorescent light flickered dimly, and he was able to take in a few more details of his surroundings.
It was an old apartment complex. Graffiti and dark stains covered the peeling, plaster walls, and piles of debris were stacked along the baseboards.
Anxiety crept up on him and he tried to remain calm. He knew exactly where he was.
//This is a dream// he told himself as he fought to keep his breathing steady.
The air thrummed and crackled around him.
He wanted a cigarette. He wanted to curl up on the door again and fall back asleep.
But deep down, he knew that wouldn't help.
Carefully, Eiri pulled himself the rest of the way up, waiting for the initial light-headedness to pass before he stepped off of the door. Splish. The small sound of his shoes in the water seemed far too loud.
The flickering light made him dizzy, so he stayed close to the right wall as he walked slowly down the hallway. Tentatively, he put his hand against it to keep himself steady, then gasped, jerking back quickly as he felt something cold and wet under his palm.
There was no color reflected from the light, and he could tell that it was only water. It seemed to be flowing from where the wall met the ceiling. He pressed his palm to the wall once more, feeling the cool liquid flow over his skin. It felt so real.
As he continued down the hallway, he noticed that various doors with broken or missing numbers were either boarded up or barricaded by trash. Boxes, bed frames, and boards. He would try the knobs of these doors, but they refused to budge. Sometimes the knob would turn loosely in his hand, but when he would lean against the door to force it open, it felt as if there was something tremendously heavy leaning right back against it.
As he continued cautiously down the hall, he came to a t-junction where a new hall branched off to the right. The dull light of a single, dying bulb beckoned to him from the very back of its lonely cove. He hesitated at the darkened mouth of this new hall where the sound of rushing water became louder, more hollow, and debated on whether or not he should follow it. He stood there for several moments, indecisive.
"…Eiri…"
He blinked, surprised.
Had someone just called to him?
"…Eiri…"
Despite his trepidation, he took a cautious step toward the voice and was answered by wet footsteps walking away from him.
"Hello?" he called out.
Soft laughter returned to him.
His decision was made.
The footsteps walked quickly ahead of him, leading him closer to the end of the narrow hall, and he pushed himself to go faster, practically breaking into a flat-out run. He knew that right beneath that hanging bulb was a landing to a set of stairs that would lead down to the third floor or up to the fifth, and he didn't want to let whoever it was in front of him get away.
Ahead, voices taunted him in a language he didn't understand.
He reached the landing, but no longer heard the footsteps. The stairway leading up to the next floor was blocked with trash, completely impassable. He considered his options briefly before gripping the steel railing that had been bolted to the wall and starting down the stairs to the third floor. Tiny waterfalls poured from step to step, splashing against his shoes as he counted each stair, remembering that it was only seven to the next landing. The light from the bulb gave way between the fourth and fifth, and he became even more cautious, holding onto the railing even tighter.
Six, seven—
A startled cry escaped him as he put his foot into air and nearly toppled over an unexpected edge. The water made the stairs slick, and he quickly pulled himself back. He caught his breath as he peered into the abyss below, vertigo sweeping through him. It appeared that the rest of the staircase had been ripped away. There was no sound of water ringing off anything, so there was no telling how far down the drop was.
//Jesus…//
Carefully, he went back up the stairs, returning to the hall that he had started in. //Now what?//
The fluorescent light flickered one last time, then died.
Eiri froze in the middle of the hall and held his breath. //Shit.//
A cool draft whispered past him, and he shivered. He reached out a hand to touch the wall, to find a guide as he continued in complete darkness, and noted immediately that it was dry. He paused.
Had the hallways changed?
Suddenly, a light snapped on at the end of the hall, and Eiri jumped. A boy stood there beneath it, maybe only 16 or 17 years old. His head was bowed and his arms hung loosely at his sides. His clothes looked as if they had been nice at once point. A pressed, white shirt with khakis. A uniform of sorts. But now they were dirtied, torn, stained. The right sleeve of his shirt had been ripped completely off, and livid bruises and claw marks stood out angrily on the pale exposed skin. Eiri shuddered, unconsciously wrapping his arms around himself. He could practically feel the more painful of the bruises beneath those tattered clothes.
The boy began to speak.
"You're… hiding." His tenor voice was harsh and broken, almost a digital distortion. "You're… scared."
Eiri shook his head, mouth moving to form words, but he found that nothing would come.
"Why… did you… leave… me?" It sounded as though it was truly painful for the boy to speak, his words hissing and growling through clenched teeth.
"I—I didn't," Eiri whispered, his throat dry. He was frightened of this memory before him, but at the same time there was a note of grief in those words that that he could empathize with far too well. It gave him the sensation of being slowly strangled. "I didn't leave..."
"Why did you… run… away?"
//From what? From who?// "Who are you?" There was no power behind his words, and it came out as more of a soft plea.
The boy's shoulder's hunched up and he shuddered as if suddenly caught in a fit of pain. "I can't… protect… what… you can't… forget."
"Please--!"
"Why did… you… do this… to me?"
//I didn't! It wasn't me, it wasn't my fault!// "Who are you?!"
All of a sudden, the boy's head snapped up and Eiri stumbled backward in horror. Blood ran down the youth's face, staining patches of the mussed blonde hair that framed his visage, and his eyes… those unnatural eyes were gone, replaced by deep shadows. Thin ribbons of crimson trickled from the darkness, from the corners of his mouth which were pulled up into an unnaturally wide smile as he choked out, "Why did you… let… me… die?"
And with that the hall was plunged back into darkness. Laughter and whispering voices surrounded him and someone was screaming, someone was screaming as Eiri dropped to his knees with his hands clamped tightly over his ears and he couldn't breathe, his face was wet and he couldn't breathe and someone was screaming someone was screaming someone was screaming someone was –
Him.
~*~
Eiri jerked awake with a startled gasp, disoriented and shaking. His heart was racing and he was out of breath. It took him a moment to realize that the nightmare was over, and he struggled to focus. He was out of the hallway, away from the boy, and there was no water, no flickering lights. But he still didn't feel safe.
He was in a car, stretched out and reclining in the passenger's seat. Headlights from the oncoming traffic rolled languidly across the ceiling, and he realized this was not his car.
"Ah, Eiri-san. You're awake."
He looked over at the driver more out of reflex than curiosity. That's right. He'd called Touma, hadn't he?
"I'm glad you're all right," Touma said without looking over at his brother-in-law, the smallest of smiles evident on his profile.
Eiri studied the older man as if he were an illusion. The after-shock of the nightmare rolled through him like an earthquake, and he listened to the thundering of his heart gradually slow as he willed himself to stop trembling. He was _far_ from "all right".
"Touma." His voice was barely above a whisper.
The older man looked over at him, surprised at the use of his first name. "Yes?"
Eiri paused, turning to stare at the ceiling and the waves of light there. "…is this real?"
"Eiri-san?" There was only the slightest touch of confusion in Touma's voice.
Eiri closed his eyes and shook his head. "How do I know I'm not still dreaming?" he murmured in wonder. "How… how do I know what's really happening anymore and…" His mouth was too dry.
A warm hand closed over Eiri's. "Relax. I can assure you that you're no longer dreaming." Touma's voice was soothing, and Eiri welcomed it.
//But this could be a dream…//
~*~
The sun was rising by the time they returned to Eiri's apartment. Eiri went straight to the couch, refusing Touma's help even though it was obvious that the younger man could barely support himself. He lay down as Touma went into the kitchen, returning a few seconds later with a glass of water. Setting it on the coffee table, he sat down opposite his brother-in-law and was silent.
Eiri stared at the ceiling as he had so often in the past month. The sun was rising.
It had set only hours ago.
He remembered his nightmare.
"There were rose petals," he murmured. "In the snow. In a trail, right up to my car."
Touma listened.
"And suddenly… I couldn't breathe. It felt like… I don't know. It wasn't the same as just passing out. It… hurt."
Silence.
"How long has it been?" he asked.
"I found you 20 minutes after you called."
The time difference didn't add up.
"Is it still snowing?"
Touma looked toward the living room window, where sunlight filtered in through the thick white fog that had settled once again. "No," he answered, then frowned. "I'd get that fixed."
At first, Eiri thought the older man was referring to the snow. "Hn?"
"That crack. There's a large split in the glass."
"I don't care," Eiri mumbled as he attempted to sit up. "I'm moving again anyway."
"Oh?"
"I can't stand it here anymore."
"It's a nice apartment."
"I hate it."
"I'm sorry to hear that."
Successfully upright, Eiri leaned forward and braced his arms against his knees until the room stopped spinning. The glass of water sat placidly before him.
"Have some," said Touma.
Eiri knew that he was dehydrated, but he only had a few sips before his stomach threatened to rebel. He set the glass on the table before laying back down, utterly exhausted. "I think I need a doctor."
"I don't think it's anything that serious," Touma said as he rose and came over to the couch. Eiri tried to work out the older man's logic.
Touma rested a hand on Eiri's forehead. The novelist flinched, lacking the energy to turn away. "Hands are cold," he mumbled, and Touma smiled down at him.
"As is your apartment, Eiri-san," he replied as he drew his hand back. "I'm surprised you can't see your breath in here."
Eiri closed his eyes. "I feel like I'm dying," he murmured, reciting the words he'd heard //minutes ago? hours?// earlier that night. It made his head hurt.
Distantly, he heard the sound of the heater kicking on in the back of his apartment, and shortly after that a blanket was laid over him. He remembered the way Shuuichi had leaned against him on that very couch, pleading to be taken care of, and it made his eyes sting.
"He was sick," said Eiri softly. "He wouldn't leave me alone, but… I didn't really want him to." He opened his eyes to see Touma looking down at him in concern. "He had something to tell me."
Touma was silent for a moment. "What was it, Eiri-san?" His tone was quiet. A little too sharp.
And Eiri closed his eyes again with a defeated sigh. "I don't remember. I can't."
He felt Touma run a hand through his hair in a gentle, mothering gesture as he said, "I have to leave now, Eiri-san. Get some rest. I'll call later to see how you are."
Eiri listened to Touma's footfalls recede into nothing, until they were cut off by the sound of the front door closing.
He was alone again.
The afterimage of the park burned bright against the white plaster of the ceiling. What he had seen had been impossible, something that could have been viewed as a practical joke.
But that, he realized, was logic speaking. And logic wasn't worth _shit_ anymore.
Hundreds, thousands of wilted rose petals had been all over his car, surrounding it, scattered through the snow. While the scene would have been simply obscure in any other situation, it had sparked a deep, almost primal fear within him that made his heart race just thinking about it.
He growled, rubbing tiredly at his eyes. He didn't _want_ to think anymore. Thinking would do nothing for him, and he was already completely worn out as it was. And though it felt like he'd done nothing but sleep lately, he didn't want to move, he didn't want to be conscious any longer than he had to be.
He was giving up. As far as he was concerned, it was already over. There was nothing left for him now. To think that a month ago, life was as close to perfect as it would ever get. And now…
//Now all I do is lie on this fucking couch and stare.//
The sun crept up from below the horizon.
He felt empty.
Hollow.
Sleep was a concept his mind could not grasp.
He knew that he was going crazy.
He knew that his lover //ex-lover// was deceased.
He knew that //crazy shit// things were happening that he couldn't explain.
He knew that he was far more fragile than he'd expected.
He knew that Touma was hiding something.
He knew that if he were to get up and look in a mirror he would see a haggard, broken man with dark circles under his eyes. He knew he would see a truth that he hadn't seen in years and that he wasn't quite ready to see again.
//Because that's not Yuki Eiri. Yuki Eiri is supposed to be _beautiful_ and _stoic_. And this? This… this is…//
"Uesugi," he said to the ceiling. "Uesugi Eiri."
Two completely different people. //But it was never any different to him.// Eiri cringed as he curled up as tightly as he could, trying desperately to shut out those unwanted thoughts. He couldn't think of Shuuichi right then, not in that state, but it was so hard not to. //He didn't care because he was so fucking _accepting_. I could do anything I wanted to him and he would take it and he would enjoy it and he would come back for more like the little idiot that he was because it was _me_ doing it. Not Aizawa, not Touma, not anyone else. _Me_. I was special, his precious 'Yuki'. It was Yuki, it was Uesugi, it was some asshole who treated him like a chore and he didn't care. He didn't care he didn't care he didn't _care_ and I could have hit him I could have beat the _shit_ out of him I could have KILLED--//
His stomach lurched violently and suddenly he was stumbling from the couch, tangled in the sheet and banging his knee hard into the coffee table, toppling the glass of water as he fought to keep control until he reached the bathroom.
Minutes later, when there was nothing left in his stomach to empty, he shakily pulled himself up from the floor, supporting his weight against the sink.
He didn't dare look in the mirror.
He splashed some cool water on his face and rinsed his mouth out before making his decision.
He opened the medicine cabinet, reaching for the bottle of tranquilizers.
They weren't there.
//The hell…?//
He rummaged through the cabinet, knocking various other bottles and items aside, sending them clattering into the sink. The tranquilizers were gone.
With an angry snarl he slammed the cabinet door shut hard enough that it bounced and rattled back open. He leaned against the sink, glaring down at the bottles there.
"What am I doing?" he whispered. "What the _fuck_ am I doing?"
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.
He wanted a cigarette.
No.
He wanted a beer.
He wanted _liquor_.
He wanted to get so fucking wasted that the pain in his head drowned out the pain of his existence.
Leaving the mess in the sink, Eiri trudged back down the hall to the kitchen. He passed the coffee table and the soft sound of water dripping onto the floor.
The muted morning sun cast a warm glow into the kitchen. He did not turn on a light as he made his way to the refrigerator.
Something glinted on the counter.
A small orange cylinder sat there, basking in the sunlight.
A small, _empty_ cylinder.
Eiri knew what it was before he stalked over to it and snatched it from the countertop. The neatly printed label confirmed that these had been the missing tranquilizers. He frowned. But what were they doing out there?
Tranquilizers, your anxiety pills, anything?
They're too strong, I don't need them.
Obviously you do.
I could always overdose, Touma. Would that make you feel better?
I'm not worried about that.
And suddenly, it all fit together. //The nightmare, the fatigue, passing out like that…//
Was just a nightmare.
I hope there wasn't something wrong with the food.
"Son of a _bitch_!" Eiri roared as he flung the bottle against the kitchen wall with a resounding CRACK! //He drugged me! He fucking _drugged_ me!//
I think I need a doctor.
I don't think it's anything that serious.
His earlier exhaustion was gone, overwhelmed by the adrenaline that raced through him like electrified poison, and he needed to find Touma _right then_ and confront //beat the _fuck_ out of// him.
He ripped his jacket from the coat hook by the door and dug through the pockets for his car keys as he seethed. //Why? Why would he do such a fucking _stupid_ thing like that? He could have killed me!//
I'm not worried about that.
His pockets were empty. His cell phone, cigarettes and lighter were missing as well as his keys.
Reason broke through his momentary hysteria to whisper gently that they had taken Touma's car back to the apartment, which meant that even if he _did_ have his keys…
//It would be useless anyway.// He didn't bother to hang the coat up again, simply dropped it on the floor as he leaned against the wall and tried to regain his composure. //My car is still at the park. Which means I'm stranded in my own apartment.//
Why? Why was Touma doing this to him?
The anger slowly faded, leaving only a deep sense of betrayal that he hadn't felt since the night Kitazawa had—
//Stop it. Stop. Give up already. You've never had control over any of this, and there's absolutely nothing you can do about it now. Stop thinking. Stop remembering. Stop _fighting_. Just… give up.//
Touma had betrayed him.
The thought now stirred feelings of sadness and hopelessness. He was too tired to be angry anymore.
//Just give up.//
He sank to the floor in defeat.
//You've lost it all.//
//Just… give. Up.//
The soft sounds of the heater were all he heard as he sat there alone in the empty hall, and his only thought was whether or not he should lock the door.