A/N: *sigh* There really isn't much I can say to justify the lateness of this chapter. A few things in my personal life forced me to put writing this on the backburner for a while, but everything seems to be cleared up now. As of this moment, Chapter Eight is nearly finished and is basically waiting to be beta read, but since my beta reader has started college again, I can't promise it to be released any faster than this one, as much as I would love to promise it. I'm as anxious as anyone else to get this finished, and this chapter certainly leaves off at an awful place to wait another three months before a follow up. So. While I can't promise much, I _can_ say that I'll try my absolute hardest to get the next chapter out before the end of September at the absolute _latest_. Also, thank you so much to those of you who have reviewed and read as far as this. There are only two chapters left (with two possible alternate endings and a chapter of omake), and I hope you'll stick around for the conclusion.
And so, without any further ado, on with the show...
Hitori
By Acetaminophen
Chapter Seven: Block Mind
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The apartment was quiet, almost ominous in its silence.
Eiri stood in the doorway of his office, wondering why it felt so foreign to be there, wondering what it was that had made him get up from his spot on the floor in the first place.
He walked into the room. It was warmer than the rest of the apartment, a problem he had run into before when he'd lock himself away in there for hours on end in the middle of a writing frenzy, leaving Shuuichi on his own to mess with the thermostat when he got cold. Countless times, Eiri had left his office-turned-sauna to stalk into the living room and rail on his lover for wasting money, yelling at him to put on some more damn clothes if he was cold. And of course, Shuuichi would give him that hurt, abused animal look, complaining that Eiri spent too much time in his office. When that didn't seem to do much, Shuuichi would fall back on the old standby: threatening to cry until the novelist would give in with an exasperated sigh and Eiri'd suggest alternative ways to keep warm, most of which resulted in Shuuichi wearing less than he had been to begin with.
The room was just as he had left it: books arranged neatly on their shelves, papers and folders open and sprawled out on the desk where his laptop sat. Signs of use. Remnants of a normal life, or as normal as the two could make it.
He moved to the desk, shifting papers and skimming the first line of each one. Faxes, loose pages from a manuscript that he'd been editing, letters and other correspondence. Hand-written memos and sticky notes littered the cherry wood surface of the desk, most of them in Eiri's stylish, practiced scrawl, a few in Shuuichi's messy handwriting. Little love notes that the singer would leave for his boyfriend now and then, hiding them in folders as surprises for the novelist. All of this was proof that at one point he'd had something better. Proof that despite all of his troubles, he had been content, that no matter what happened or what kind of despair he fell into, he had come to believe in the security of having someone around who cared about him.
It was proof that all he had now was a hollow illusion and a failing grip on reality. Surely the presence of someone he had loved was around, but not to help him. Only to torture him, only to taunt him and pull him further and further away from the real world. But who? Which one of the two was it now?
All of a sudden Eiri lashed out with an angry snarl, sweeping everything violently from the desk in a momentary outburst of rage. The laptop crashed to the floor as he shouted, "WHY?! What the fuck have I done to deserve this?!" //What the hell did I fuck up on so early in life to deserve _this_?!//
Papers fluttered to the ground, whispering to him as he sank to his knees in despair. "Is this a punishment?" he asked the empty room, his voice losing the frustrated edge and taking on a softer, more strained quality. "Atonement?" He shook his head, looking down at the mess that settled around him. "Damn it, baka! What's keeping you here?!" //How can you stay so close, even in death?!//
He knew he sounded crazy, but it didn't matter now. //I _am_ crazy. I'm fucking insane, and I don't care.//
"GO AWAY!" he roared, clutching at the sides of his head. "I don't need you here anymore! I DON'T NEED YOU!"
//It's not true, it's not true…//
"Just… go away!" He choked on his words, drained, heartbroken, feeling every single emotion that he had shut out so long ago. //It's not true, it's not true… I need you, stay with me, don't leave me alone…// "Get out of here!"
//Don't…//
"Leave me alone!"
//Don't leave me…//
He was so tired. He was broken, shattered. "Go away, Shuuichi. This is _my_ hell. _Mine_." Golden eyes dipped shut, shaky breath expelled as he felt his will tremble and leave him. //You don't belong here…//
Glorious, silent darkness enveloped him in slumber, and for the first time, he wasn't afraid.
~*~
Shuuichi had been asleep on the couch all afternoon. Eiri smirked to himself as he sat down next to the boy, who was snuggled deep in the blanket that Eiri had lain over him before returning to his office to continue his edits. Now, four hours later, he'd managed to whittle the bulk of the manuscript down to only 50 pages of edits remaining. Granted, the last 50 were always the hardest, but he was in high spirits all the same and was more or less in the mood to discuss what Shuuichi had wanted to talk to him about. Eiri hadn't even let the boy ask his question, instincts (or rather, experience) telling him that it would most likely be on a subject that would either confuse or irritate him, and otherwise ruin the rest of the day.
Shuuichi's breathing was deep and even, and for a moment, Eiri wondered if perhaps he should just let the boy sleep. Shuuichi was sick after all, and the more he rested, the sooner he'd get well, which meant the sooner Eiri could shed the mothering routine and go back to his normal role as the Negligent Lover.
But as he reached out to lay a hand gently on Shuuichi's shoulder, the boy's eyes slowly fluttered open. "Yuki?" he mumbled, still half-asleep.
"Baka," Eiri purred affectionately. "You were asleep for so long I thought you'd died." He leaned back and searched his pockets for his cigarettes. "How are you?"
Shuuichi yawned and sat up, stretching his arms over his head. "I feel better."
Finding one, he put it to his lips as he said, "Good. I was getting tired of playing nursemaid." As he was about to light the cigarette, Shuuichi plucked it from Eiri's lips. "Hey!" Eiri exclaimed in annoyance. "What do you think you're doing?"
Shuuichi studied the thin white stick between his fingers before putting it in his mouth and attempting to scowl at the same time. "How do I look?" he asked in a sultry tone.
"Ridiculous."
Shuuichi removed the cigarette to stick his tongue out at his lover.
Eiri stifled a grin. "You had something you wanted to ask me?"
"Mmm, yup, sure did." Flinging the unlit cigarette onto the coffee table, Shuuichi crawled into Eiri's lap, draping his arms around the novelist's neck as he straddled his legs and leaned in close to kiss Eiri on the tip of his nose softly. "Let's go away," he whispered.
Confused (as he knew he would be) but more than a little interested in what his lover was instigating, Eiri wrapped his arms around Shuuichi's waist and pulled him closer, willing to overlook the stolen cigarette and play this little game. "Where to?" he murmured as he placed a soft kiss on Shuuichi's soft lips.
"I don't know," said Shuuichi. "Kyoto maybe? We haven't seen your dad in a while."
Eiri growled and nipped Shuuichi's lower lip playfully. Shuuichi giggled.
"That's not funny," said Eiri as Shuuichi began to gently press the novelist onto his back.
"You're cute when you growl," Shuuichi murmured and leaned down to nibble on his lover's ear tenderly. Eiri shivered at the sensation and moaned softly at the boy's ministrations, a small sound that was rarely heard and was considered the highest praise that the vocalist could hope for. Shuuichi grinned and kissed Eiri gently on the lips. "You're cute when you purr too."
Eiri smirked, threading his fingers through Shuuichi's hair as he held the boy in place, deepening the kiss as Shuuichi squirmed in delight. By the time they pulled away, both were breathless.
"You better not be contagious," Eiri warned huskily as the boy's slender fingers worked the buttons on the novelist's shirt from their holes.
"You can't catch someone's cold from kissing them," Shuuichi informed him playfully, successfully getting all of the buttons undone, and Eiri caught the boy's wrists.
"Where'd you hear that?" he asked as he laid a tender kiss on the inside of Shuuichi's wrist. He liked this, the lazy, languid pace of it all. It was relaxing, almost more than it should have been.
"Read it somewhere."
Eiri feigned surprise. "You can read?"
Shuuichi pouted and hit his lover teasingly. "Yuki! You should be nicer to me."
"Or else?"
"Or else I'll… I'll…"
And then Eiri was looking at him, those unnatural hazel eyes bright with a dangerous light, and suddenly Shuuichi was flipped onto his back with a surprised yelp. Eiri had the boy's wrists pinned above his head as he repositioned himself above Shuuichi and slid a knee between the youth's legs suggestively. Shuuichi gasped and Eiri couldn't help but grin as a rosy blush stained his lover's cheeks. The seduction, it seemed, was over, and Eiri had clearly won. "We don't have to go anywhere to enjoy ourselves," he purred as he kissed and nibbled the junction of Shuuichi's neck.
"So… I guess Kyoto's out of the question?" Shuuichi breathed, letting his eyes fall closed.
"Absolutely."
"What about Tochigi?"
Eiri paused. //Tochigi?//
Shit.
Apparently the seduction wasn't quite over yet. However, the motivation was now a little clearer.
Eiri pulled back slightly, and Shuuichi opened his eyes, amethyst clouded with confusion as to why his lover had stopped. "Isn't that where your family lives?" asked Eiri suspiciously.
Shuuichi blinked. "Uhm… maybe?" Aha, the brat was caught and he knew it.
"It is."
Shuuichi bit down on his lower lip nervously.
Eiri leaned in close, their lips centimeters apart. "You're proposing that we go see your family," he deadpanned.
"M-maybe…"
Shuuichi's non-committal answers were becoming more irritating than cute. The brat wanted something, and whatever it was, he'd known ahead of time that Eiri wasn't going to go for it easily.
Briefly, he wondered if this 'cold' had been timed.
Whatever playfulness Eiri had felt earlier was quickly icing over. "Why, baka?"
Shuuichi knew the game was over and sighed in defeat. "It's my mom's birthday."
"When?"
"This Saturday."
Eiri laughed, an insulted, surprised laugh. "Absolutely not!"
Shuuichi immediately sat up and threw his arms around Eiri's neck, hugging the novelist closely to him. "Please, Yuki?"
"I said 'no', baka!" Eiri growled as he tried to pry the boy off of him. "I have too much to get done before Saturday and I _certainly_ don't have the time to drive you all the way out there just because _you_ had to wait until the very last minute to tell me about this!"
"Yuki, please! I really want you to come with me, and I can't just _not_ go! I didn't get to see her last year since I was on tour with the band."
"Then don't not go! You don't need me to get you there! Hell, you're one of NG's top singers and you're trying to tell me you can't find any way to get out to Tochigi?" Eiri felt a headache coming on, with a strong craving for a cigarette right behind it. "Anyway, it's not like your family's expecting me to be there, certainly you… could…"
Eiri trailed off.
Shuuichi bit on his lip a little more.
//Oh Jesus _Christ_...//
"You told them I'd come, didn't you."
"Well--"
"Baka!" Eiri yelled as he angrily stood up from the couch. "Why the hell did you do that?!"
"Because I thought you would!" said Shuuichi, sitting up hurriedly.
"Even though you _knew_ I had a manuscript to get done this week?!"
"I--"
"_Christ_, baka!" Eiri cut him off angrily as he began rebuttoning his shirt, looking away from the youth. "How can you be so goddamned selfish?"
"But--!"
"And pulling this seduction act?"
"Yuki--"
"I mean what the hell are you, some kind of whore?"
"Yuki stop it!"
Eiri left the last two buttons undone, looking at Shuuichi, who was now sitting on the edge of the couch with his head in hands. Eiri felt a momentary pang of guilt.
"I… I just…" Shuuichi shook his head, the sound of his voice making it obvious that he was trying not to cry. "I just really wanted you to come. That's all…"
"Well that's too damn bad." Eiri cringed inwardly. He felt like an asshole.
Shuuichi jumped up from the couch and grabbed Eiri's hands. "Please, Yuki!"
Eiri shook him off and stalked to his office. "No no _no_! Call your family and tell them you made a mistake because there is _no way_ I'm going anywhere this weekend."
"But--!"
And suddenly Eiri turned on him, golden eyes narrowing with a predatory glint, and Shuuichi stumbled back, hitting the wall as his incredibly irritated lover pinned him there with a hand on either side of the cowering boy. He'd never hit Shuuichi; just the thought of it made him a bit sick to his stomach. And he was fairly certain that the brat knew he could never raise a hand to him, no matter how agitated he became. But at that very moment, as Shuuichi looked up at him with something akin to fear in his amethyst eyes, Eiri couldn't be quite so sure. And it unnerved him. And he wished he could stop and apologize and agree to whatever ridiculous demand the boy could think up.
But it was just so hard.
And he just couldn't stop.
"What part of 'absolutely not' don't you understand, baka?" Eiri said softly, his tone smooth and feral.
"I—I'm sorry," Shuuichi stammered.
Eiri scoffed and shook his head as he moved away from Shuuichi, walking into his office. "Don't bother me," was all he said as he shut the door.
~*~
The phone was ringing.
Click.
"I am unavailable to answer the phone right now," said the feminine, pre-recorded voice. "Please leave a message after the beep."
Beep.
"…Yuki."
The voice on the machine stirred him momentarily, his mind too foggy to be sure if what he was hearing was real, too tired to care.
"Your black book. You left something in there."
A pause.
"I can't wait to see you again. I miss you."
The machine clicked off.
~*~
The phone was ringing.
Slowly, Eiri opened his eyes, his vision focusing on papers and a broken laptop as he gradually woke. The phone continued to ring. //The machine… let the machine get it.//
Four rings. Five rings. The machine didn't pick up.
Eiri closed his eyes again, silently willing whoever was calling to hang up.
Eight rings, nine…
Tiredly, Eiri picked himself up from the floor. He glanced at the mess that was still scattered all over the ground as he walked to where the phone had landed. The cordless had skittered to the opposite side of the office; the cradle was hanging by the cord that connected it to the answering machine, which still sat on the corner of his desk.
As he passed the machine, he noticed that he had no new messages.
Thirteen rings—
"Hello," he answered in a low, tired voice.
"Eiri-san?"
Touma.
He remained silent.
"Eiri, are you there?" A pause. "Are you all right?"
For a moment, he didn't know what to do. Then, quietly: "Why are you calling me, Seguchi?"
"Just to check on you. Is everything all right? I tried calling earlier but it seems that you might have left the phone off the hook."
"I'm fine."
Touma sighed. "No, Eiri, you aren't."
"What makes you say that?"
"I know you."
"Bullshit."
"Eiri--"
"For as long as I've known you, Seguchi, you've never been caught in any unsavory act. So then why did you let me find the pills?"
"Pills?"
"The pills, Seguchi," Eiri growled, suddenly vehemently irritated. "The pills that you slipped in my food during dinner, the pills that gave me those hallucinations and made me pass out in the middle of a fucking parking lot. The pills that _you_ left on the kitchen counter for me to find."
"Because I don't lie to you, Eiri-san," Touma answered smoothly.
"That's twisted."
"No, that's manipulative. Twisted would be if I had hidden them again, or blamed it on your ghost."
Eiri clenched his jaw. "Fuck you, Seguchi."
"Please Eiri, don't strain yourself. You should really be relaxing right now."
"You think I'm going to listen to a goddamn thing you have to say after what you've done to me? Either you've got balls or you're just fucking stupid."
"Does that make you feel better?"
"Goddamn it, I _trusted_ you!" Eiri snarled, gripping the phone so tightly that he heard the plastic casing creak. "I trusted you more than I've ever trusted anyone in my life--"
"Almost," Touma interrupted.
Eiri scowled. "Excuse me?"
"You _almost_ trusted me more than anyone." Touma's voice was tolerant, gentle almost, like a teacher patiently correcting his frustrated student. "Certainly there was someone else whom you deemed far more worthy for the depth of confidence you're professing."
//Is he _taunting_ me?//
"I'm coming back, Eiri-san. I'll be there shortly."
"Seguchi, if you so much as set one _foot_ in this goddamn apartment," said Eiri, his words barely above a whisper but dangerous nonetheless, "I swear I'll kill you."
Touma laughed softly, and his voice became smoother. "My, you've certainly developed quite a taste for this, haven't you?"
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"It means you already know what happened to him." And there was the ice that Eiri knew had been coming; it would have sent a shiver throughout him if he hadn't suppressed it. "All of it, down to the very last detail. It seems that you're only missing one small piece of the puzzle. I'm willing to help you recover it now, Eiri-san. If you like."
He hated the older man for the sickened anxiety and fear that suddenly twisted in his stomach at the coolness of those words. "I'm sick of your games, Seguchi. I don't want to hear it."
However, right before Eiri could hang up, Touma was purring in his ear again.
"_You_ killed him."
There was a soft click, and the line went dead.
For a few moments, he didn't move. He wasn't even sure if he was breathing.
And then the silence of the room grew to be too much and so Eiri let the phone drop back to its place on the floor, barely registering the jarring sound of plastic smacking against hard wood. For a brief moment he wondered if the silence had flooded his mind.
//Don't listen to him.// Was he breathing yet? The room was too warm. //Don't listen to him. Don't listen to him. He's lying, don't listen to him.//
It became a steady mantra, a wall, a temper tantrum thrown by his inner child with his fingers in his ears and humming while Touma's words continued to echo in his memory. He wasn't going to think about it because Touma was lying and he wasn't going to listen to him and was the front door locked?
What did he do now?
What was he supposed to do?
…what was left?
And then, a small sound came to him from the floor just beyond his desk. Digital grinding and a nearly inaudible beep. Sounds that, realistically, shouldn't have been able to exist.
//Realistically.//
Slowly, Eiri approached the laptop, which had been broken in half. The screen lay a few inches from the body, hanging on by a few wires, and by the time he crouched down beside it, a new document had been opened. The display rolled for a moment before words were typed hesitantly by unseen hands.
What is it I'm waiting for in this room without you?
Eiri blinked. It was the lyrics to that song again. For a moment, he wondered how long it had been since he'd last heard it. A few days? A week?
It didn't matter.
"It… it's just the clock's ticking," he recited softly.
New words came onto the screen. Words he knew by heart.
But it resonates in my sleepless heart like the sound of footsteps.
Even now…
Here the words paused, and faintly, Eiri heard the sound of a door creaking open somewhere in the apartment.
He already knew which one it was.
He didn't need to see the last line that appeared on the screen before it flashed once and died. He didn't need to be told what to do.
Without a second thought, Eiri stood and left the office, walking into the hallway.
Sure enough, the bedroom door stood slightly ajar, maybe only an inch or two.
He didn't move.
Touma's words had, for the most part, given up and retreated into the recesses of his mind as he assessed the situation. The door was open.
And he knew that whatever would help him in figuring out this muddled riddle was within his reach if he would only take that one. Little. Step.
Cautiously, Eiri moved forward.
Just one little step and he'd be that much closer to getting his life back.
Distantly he heard music, the soft sound of a whispering voice by itself, soothing, a gentle lullaby for a sleepless heart that could finally face its awakening.
And two little words pushed him forward.
I'm waiting.