A/N: This is a songfic, inspired on the song "Behind Blue Eyes" covered by
Limp Bizkit. For the sake of this story Riley has blue eyes! Please review!
No one knows what it's like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes
Every time that I snuck out of her room after we made love, everytime I watched her being asleep, trusting me to be there...everytime the guilt grew. But with the growing guilt my need for those vampires also grew, until I was torn in two. Part of me wanted to fight, to stay there in her bed, just watching her. But watching her, knowing that she didn't love me made me want to give in again.
And no one knows what it's like
To be hated
To be fated
To telling only lies
When people asked me where I went I had to lie. I never used to lie, always thought of myself as an honest person. But this was something I couldn't share with other people. They wouldn't understand how much this consumed me. Once I was the mission, a strong and loyal commando. Now I was nothing, except maybe the missions boyfriend. Who didn't even love me. Who wouldn't let herself cry in front of me...who wouldn't let me take care of her.
But my dreams
They aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free
I still dream of being with her. Buffy. I still see myself marrying her, building a life with her in which I can actually be happy. The little voice in my head that keeps telling me that it will never happen is blissfully forgotten when those vampires suck my arm. Nothing matters anymore, except maybe the fact that somehow this is sweet revenge. Not just for her loving Angel and in some weird way, Dracula, but for everything she did to me. Every feeling she made me feel. Everytime she wanted me to leave, cause she didn't want to let me in.
No one knows what it's like
To feel these feelings
Like I do
And I blame you
Yes. I blame her. For everything she does to me. For everytime she makes me feel less than nothing. For everytime she deliberately locks me out of her life. For asking me to love her when she doesn't return my feelings.
No one bites back as hard
On their anger
None of my pain and woe
Can show through
But I still love her. And I know why she can't let me in. She has been hurt too many times. She has to stay strong to save the world. She doesn't want to cry in front of Dawn, trying so hard to be the replacing mom. Even when it looked like Joyce was dying, she still held on. So I can't show her my pain, can't be angry at her for trying to hold it all together.
No one knows what it's like
To be mistreated
To be defeated
Behind blue eyes
Cause I keep it all inside. Not even Graham, my best friend in the whole world, knows what's going on. I push myself time and time again until I'm so worn out that I can't think of anything anymore, let alone Buffy. I train and I run mentally, and the only times I am truly at peace is when one of those vampires sucks my blood. When the rush takes over and all I want is for her to do it harder. So easy...so peaceful.
And no one knows how to say
That they're sorry
And don't worry
I'm not telling lies
Sometimes I want to tell her. Sometimes it's on the tip of my tongue, wanting to blurt it all out. How much it hurts that she pushes me away time after time. How much I wanted to scream and shout when all I said was "if you decide to let me in on any of it... let me know"
I always try to be the one in control. To stop those feelings from showing, to keep calm under all circumstances. Cause that's what I was taught in the Initiative. Control. I am in control.
I wish I wish
I wish it was all that easy
But when I see Buffy, I know I'm not.
No one knows what it's like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes
Every time that I snuck out of her room after we made love, everytime I watched her being asleep, trusting me to be there...everytime the guilt grew. But with the growing guilt my need for those vampires also grew, until I was torn in two. Part of me wanted to fight, to stay there in her bed, just watching her. But watching her, knowing that she didn't love me made me want to give in again.
And no one knows what it's like
To be hated
To be fated
To telling only lies
When people asked me where I went I had to lie. I never used to lie, always thought of myself as an honest person. But this was something I couldn't share with other people. They wouldn't understand how much this consumed me. Once I was the mission, a strong and loyal commando. Now I was nothing, except maybe the missions boyfriend. Who didn't even love me. Who wouldn't let herself cry in front of me...who wouldn't let me take care of her.
But my dreams
They aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free
I still dream of being with her. Buffy. I still see myself marrying her, building a life with her in which I can actually be happy. The little voice in my head that keeps telling me that it will never happen is blissfully forgotten when those vampires suck my arm. Nothing matters anymore, except maybe the fact that somehow this is sweet revenge. Not just for her loving Angel and in some weird way, Dracula, but for everything she did to me. Every feeling she made me feel. Everytime she wanted me to leave, cause she didn't want to let me in.
No one knows what it's like
To feel these feelings
Like I do
And I blame you
Yes. I blame her. For everything she does to me. For everytime she makes me feel less than nothing. For everytime she deliberately locks me out of her life. For asking me to love her when she doesn't return my feelings.
No one bites back as hard
On their anger
None of my pain and woe
Can show through
But I still love her. And I know why she can't let me in. She has been hurt too many times. She has to stay strong to save the world. She doesn't want to cry in front of Dawn, trying so hard to be the replacing mom. Even when it looked like Joyce was dying, she still held on. So I can't show her my pain, can't be angry at her for trying to hold it all together.
No one knows what it's like
To be mistreated
To be defeated
Behind blue eyes
Cause I keep it all inside. Not even Graham, my best friend in the whole world, knows what's going on. I push myself time and time again until I'm so worn out that I can't think of anything anymore, let alone Buffy. I train and I run mentally, and the only times I am truly at peace is when one of those vampires sucks my blood. When the rush takes over and all I want is for her to do it harder. So easy...so peaceful.
And no one knows how to say
That they're sorry
And don't worry
I'm not telling lies
Sometimes I want to tell her. Sometimes it's on the tip of my tongue, wanting to blurt it all out. How much it hurts that she pushes me away time after time. How much I wanted to scream and shout when all I said was "if you decide to let me in on any of it... let me know"
I always try to be the one in control. To stop those feelings from showing, to keep calm under all circumstances. Cause that's what I was taught in the Initiative. Control. I am in control.
I wish I wish
I wish it was all that easy
But when I see Buffy, I know I'm not.