ENIGMA
Part 2: Acceptance
By Cookirini


It would be another six months after I was pulled out of school before my father and mother's relationship finally fell apart with a resounding crash.

"Damn you and your presumptuousness!"

My mother was throwing things at my father, screaming and shouting. By this time, she had gone back to work, but money was still tight because my father had not cut down on his expenses. Finally, the last straw was when my father was charged by the government with fraud - being a part of a scheme to illegally sell fakes of other people's paintings with another artist and his agent. He had to declare us bankrupt, and was ready to sell me to fund his defense.

"You would SELL my baby?!" My mother was screaming. "Get out! GET OUT!"

I was hiding in the bedroom as the fight broke out. I had been reading my father's art history book, and heard things crashing. I was scared as I heard them fight as never before.

"This is my fucking apartment!" My father was screaming back. "I paid for it."
"You don't have any money to pay for it! That's why you'd sell my daughter, right?" My mother took her wedding ring off and threw it at his face. "You monster, you bastard…you sellout. Criminal."
"Whatever, Anza." My father turned and began walking. "Everything I did was for you. I can't help your daughter's dense. But….you're on your own now, I guess. Good luck."
"Daughter's dense….."

I never felt more afraid than when I saw my mother's face that night. It was lit by the neon lights, and was haloed like a devil's. With a scream, she took up a vase and threw it as his head do hard that several shards remain embedded in his head to this day. He gave a scream as he bled, and with a curse was out of my life save for postcards.

It was that night, too, I said my first clear sentences in over four years.

"Daddy. Don't leave me. I'm sorry."

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The dinner table was set for two for the dinner party. The main entrée was the tuna sandwiches cut in half and Diet Coke, but Ami ate in silence.

"Do you like the presents I got you?" Her father looked up at her. "I figured you would like to read about Euler and Fermat."
"Yes, dad." Ami looked down at her sandwich. "I like the books. Actually, I'm doing a project for math to recreate Fermat's Last Theorem. X to the number n plus y to the number n equals z to the number n to simplify it. If I do it successfully…"Ami paused. "I might get the scholarship to Germany."
"To do pediatrics?" Her father swallowed down the last of his sandwich. "Ami, I think you would make a better mathematician. If you're simplifying something like that…..a generation ago, they taught us that they'd never figure out that formula. And you're going to simplify it. Just….."

There was a silence at this. Finally after a moment, the pent up thoughts within Ami burst forth before she could control herself.

"Dad, do you love me?"

The look on her father's face was full of shock. It was apparent that he had not expected such a question.

"Ami…"
"Dad." Ami stood up this time. "All my life, I had people whom I thought were close to me - friends and even family - tell me I wasn't good enough."
"Ami, please-"
"Then I became smart." There was a hint of anger in her voice. "And all of a sudden, I was their darling. So much pressure, and if I did wrong I was back to being the dense one. So many people in my life who put the pressure on me…I love my studies, but the perfection….I don't have it. You know I don't. I remember what you told my mother that night you left. And now, ten years later….Tell me…..is this love you profess for me a lie?"

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It was really all my fault.

After that night, I improved drastically. I talked normally, I walked normally, and many of my idiosyncrasies disappeared. I spent more time with my mother making cookies and food for friends. After a while, calling it miraculous, my mother deemed me able to go back to school, and I was in classes with normal kids.

But I knew I wasn't normal. I had something wrong with me, and a lot of the kids sensed it too. I still got picked on, sometimes viciously. I spoke five languages by this time, but it didn't help when people were throwing things at you, tripping you in class, sticking gum in your hair. I knew it was me who broke my family up; that was bad enough. Being made fun of for whatever had caused it was even worse.

The more I was picked on, the more I dived into my studies. I came to see my schoolwork as my only escape; textbooks don't throw hamburgers at you, and pencils don't laugh at you. I studied every day, during recess, during lunch, as much as I could so I didn't have to deal with the mean people. My grades reflected my obsession to escape; I was a straight A student.

"You're very smart, Ami." One day in fourth grade, my teacher brought me aside. "I'm going to recommend you go into the accelerated classes. You're extremely smart, and I think these classes will simply slow you down."
"Really?"

So that's how it went; I went to advanced placement, the most advanced in Tokyo. But I still got picked on, this time for being so smart. I was a teacher's pet to everyone, and people stole my homework from me. I still had no friends.

At that point, a lot of things emerged about my health. I was allergic to a lot of things - chocolate, pollen, regular milk, chicken, certain papers and smells, dogs and cats. I had bowel problems, and had to have glasses when I was five. So my mother, still wary of what had happened in the past and believing that these problems were related to the dark age of my life, decided to bring me to a specialist when she had enough money.

"Now," I remember him well. He was an American with a soft voice, a very nice man. "I want you to raise your hand when you hear a beeping sound. After that, I just want to ask your mother a few questions."
"Will I be able to do my homework after?"
"Of course you will." He gently pat me on the head. I winced. "Do you like me doing that?"
"No." I shook my head violently. "I do not like people touching me a lot."

She took me to a place near New York City called the State University in Stony Brook, where, when I turned eleven, I finally learned what was wrong with me. At the time, and even today, Stony Brook was the world's foremost institute in regards to research on a disorder called autism.

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"…..No, Ami."

A few tears streaked down Ami's face. She turned away from her father and slumped to the floor.

"I…." She sniffed. "I'm r-really s-sorry….."
"Ami…."

She felt her father's arms slip around her, and she began to cry into his chest though his shirt was scratchy and she did not like most people hugging her. She felt her father breath in deeply.

"I love you." He tilted her head up towards her. "You are my daughter. How can I not?"
"But y-you called me 'dense'."
"I never meant it." The words visibly stung her father. "Ami, anything I said….anything I said about you to your mother….that was not how I truly felt. It was hard for me. I never understood what was wrong with you, I never cared to learn."

He sucked in another breath. From the corner of her eye, Ami saw the wooden floor of the cottage.

"I was ill-tempered and frustrated at myself." Ami thought she saw tiny atoms shooting across the planks, and she almost zoned out as her father spoke. "I did many things to you, to Anza - to your mother. It was….when I spoke, you never spoke. It was like a wall, made of steel, and I couldn't break through. I was powerless to stop whatever held you. And as years passed, I wanted to get away from it." He wiped his mouth. "I used your mother, I used you. I used a lot of people. And I paid the price. I had to sell almost everything I had to pay off the people I had swindled."
"You were going to sell me."
"And I was a fool to think I could get away with it." Ami's father looked down. "But I have always loved you, and even now, I don't deserve you. If you can forgive me, let go of the past…..but the truth is, I don't expect it. I don't deserve that either."

With that, Ami buried her head into her father's chest once more. It was too much emotion for one night, especially for her.

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Things began to change in junior high. I never knew just how much my luck would change, though, until it came in the most unlikely form.

"Meow."
"Hmm?"

I was transferred when I was fourteen, after seven years in Shibuya, to another school. This time, it was back in Juuban, where my mother had moved to take a position at one of the local hospitals. Almost immediately, my reputation preceded me.

"You're the smart girl from Shibuya, right?" Many people sneered at me as I walked down the hall. "Why'd you leave? Were you too dumb?"
"What a snob." People would turn their noses at me. "Your mom's rich, right? What are you doing here when you can afford a private school?"
"Maybe she thinks she's too good for us," people would whisper behind me. "Maybe she's just here to show off."

I was always sad when I came home. I knew what was wrong with me now - I was autistic. It was preventing me from interacting properly, and there was little to help me build confidence in myself in anything outside of schoolwork. I began to swim on a regular basis, but though I felt comfortable there, I did not join any team. I was afraid they'd reject me for being too smart, an irony - to be the retarded genius. I was flawed, not good enough for people, and I still had no friends. Many times I cried myself to sleep thinking about my father, and my mother, and of all of the things that were my fault.

As such, I went even deeper into my studies, and was noticed more for it. My practice of staying late to study in elementary school was modified as I got older. As soon as I was old enough to take advantage, I had gone to the after school programs every day in Shibuya, and they had cram schools and exam practice sites that were similar to those in my old district. In fact, I was going to one that had recently opened up near my house the day I saw the cat.

"Meow." The next thing I knew, there was a big ball of black fur in my arms. On its forehead was a yellow mark, strangely shaped like a crescent moon. "Meeeow."

I stiffened at first; I was allergic to cats. The last time we had a cat, I had broken out in a horrible rash, and so my mother forbade pets in our apartment. But after a few seconds, I somehow felt comfortable around the cat. It seemed nice enough, and I understood that it wanted to be petted.

"Oh, what a cute kitten!" I found it odd that I had not broken out in a rash of any type, but regardless I didn't let this one to the cat; I knew it would sense that. "And you have a strange little mark on your head…"
"Luuuuuna!!!!"

The next thing I knew, I found myself staring back into a pair of eyes that totally took me aback. They were eyes I remembered all too well from long ago - beady Aryan eyes. There was her hair, still maize, but longer, far longer, and in ponytails. The scar on her cheek from stitches, faint, but I could see it.

And she wore the colors and uniform of my new school.

"DOH!" I stared in horror as she gave a sheepish laugh. "I'm sorry. My cat's crazy. You'll have to forgive her invading your space. Oh, hey….you're the new super smart girl at our school - Ami Mizuno, right?"

I felt sick to my stomach. I was unsure of what to say. What could I say? What if she remembered me? How would she react?

"…..Hi…." My answer came out in a squeak. "I…..I'm sorry…..this is your cat?"
"Yup!" Instantly, her hand was out. "Sorry. How rude of me not to introduce myself! My name is Usagi Tsukino. But….I was right, you're Ami Mizuno. Right?"

The more I looked at her, the more I began to understand. Her manner told me the truth.

"Yes…."
"You're not snobby like people say you are!" They shook hands. "You just seem really nervous. But that's ok! You seem nice either way. Do you want to go to the arcade?"

She didn't remember. I gave a sigh of relief. Perhaps, I reasoned to myself, this wouldn't be such a bad idea. If she didn't remember now, she would probably never remember. Perhaps we could be friends.

"…Of course. I'd love to."

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The morning came fast for Ami, and the next thing she knew she was standing outside of the cottage with her father, waiting for her ride to take her back to Sapporo.

"Ami…." Suddenly, Ami's father went into his pocket. "There is something I want to give you…"

Ami's eyes widened at what he pulled out. It was a pair of small, somewhat rudimentary porcelain statues, little more than four inches high. They looked very old, as bits of the face on one of them looked cracked, but they were otherwise both in perfect condition.

"This was my very first work." Ami stared at it in shock. "I made it in art class when I was twelve. I want you to have it…"
"I can't take it." Ami quickly shook her head. "No, I can't."
"Please." He put the statues in her hand. "The assignment my teacher had given us was to give one of these statues to a friend. I had no friends as a boy; perhaps you have more luck. Please, I insist."

Ami looked down at the statues. It surprised her how her father had kept them all these years. What surprised her more was what each looked like. One had blonde hair; the other had blue.

"Dad, where did you get the hair color…"
"The sun and the sky." The sound of an oncoming car interrupted Ami's thoughts. "Your ride is here. Now, back to your mother."
"….Thank you."

With a quick hug, Ami then left her father. She took one final look back before getting into the car. Then, with a grunt and a roar, the Seville drove off, leaving Ami's father by himself.

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What can I say now?

I have good friends. I have a special life. I have many things others in my condition do not have. I know my parents both love me. I should feel lucky. Sometimes I don't, but I should. My life changed forever when I met Usagi. One of the people from my past…..

It had always been a mystery to me, what was wrong with me, what made people hate me. I've come to realize that it is not all me - it is others, who see what I have, and do not like it. Instead, they use their power to put others down, and I feel sorry for them. Part of it is me, though, part of it being what I put on myself.

I am much better than I was before. I have a lot more confidence, a lot more happiness. I'm not ashamed of my condition anymore; that's just how life dealt my hand. None of my friends know of my being autistic, but even if they did…I know in my heart they wouldn't leave me. That's how lucky I am now.

And this morning, I gave Usagi that little blonde statue. She doesn't know I gave it to her; I hid it on her dresser. But I know she'll find it.

Its just my way of saying thank you.


FINIS