Crashdance
A "My Life as a Teenage Robot" Fanfic
Chapter Three – She's a Brick House
Drew stood motionless for a few seconds, staring up silently into the face of the hulking robot that Jenny had just introduced as … her little sister. Little sister!?! Holy schnikey, she's an army tank with pigtails! If he'd had enough warning, he could have flowed himself down a storm drain, or morphed himself into a mailbox, before the girls had arrived to the front of the school. But now it felt like every eyeball in the world was trained on him like a police spotlight. Escape was impossible. The stares and snickers from the other kids were bad enough. But the real killer was Jenny's innocent joy, full of anticipation and excitement for her sister. She had obviously put a lot of hope and effort into this …
For crying out loud, his brain screamed, say something, you idiot!
"Ah … Hi there … er … XJ-8, is it?" He gulped awkwardly. "That's a … uh … pretty name."
"It is my assigned serial number," blasted a heavy, droning synthesized voice. "Number eight in the line of Global Robotic Response Units. Jenny has informed me that your assigned designation is 'Andrew'."
That voice could pulverize a concrete block! "Um … that's my name. But … uh … everyone calls me Drew, for short."
"Alternate naming noted and stored. It is nice to meet you, Drew-for-short."
Jenny bubbled with laughter. "Sis, you're so funny! Isn't she something else, Drew?"
"Ohhhhh yeah, she's something else, all right."
XJ-8's pigtails seemed to perk up slightly. "Rhythmic noises detected at fifty meters, bearing two-seven-five degrees. Volume levels excessive. Initiate sonic countermeasures." Her left shoulder cracked open, and a large parabolic dish started to unfold and deploy towards the gym …
"It's all right, XJ-8. That's the music!" Jenny patted her on the arm. "Just remember everything I told you this afternoon, and do what I do. Now let's get in there and join the fun!"
Jenny grabbed Brad by the arm, and ran excitedly through the double doors into the gym, pulling Brad along behind her. XJ-8 retracted her sonic dish, and paused for a second. Then a massive hand reached out and clamped around Drew's arm with crushing force.
"Let us get in there and join the fun," she bellowed, and yanked Drew off his feet as if he were made of paper. Students screamed and dove out of the way as XJ-8 thundered towards the gym and blasted right through the double doors. Her head and pigtails punched a silhouette through the top of the doorway, and Drew smashed in behind her, dragging and bouncing along the floor.
The music was pumping with a heavy beat; small groups of people were still clumped together in their comfortable cliques. Jenny gazed in wonder at the transformed gymnasium; even though she had helped decorate it only yesterday, everything seemed fresh and new tonight. "Nobody's dancing yet – I guess everyone is still getting warmed up!" She noticed some plaster dust on her sister's chest plate. Jenny took her little sister by the hand. "That gives us girls a chance to freshen up before things get started!"
Drew was staggering to his feet, trying to pull his arm free of XJ-8's vice grip. Jenny leaned over and whispered to him. "Um, just a little FYI … you might want to check out a mirror too."
"Y-yeah … appreciate the heads-up, Jen." He plucked a piece of plywood from his forehead.
"We'll be right back, boys!" The Wakeman sisters thundered off towards the restrooms. Jenny was too excited to notice the stares from the students, and XJ-8 seemed oblivious to them as they scrambled out of her way.
"Okay, see you in a few, girls," Brad shouted, through a forced grin. He slowly got the courage to turn and meet Drew's murderous glare. Drew's left arm was dangling from his shoulder like a piece of crumpled tinfoil. A wave of rippling silver-green went through it, and the arm slowly repaired itself.
"Heh-heh-heh … isn't that just like women, huh?" Brad chuckled nervously. "They spend all day getting ready, we finally get here, and what's the first thing they do? They go to the bathroom."
Drew's eyes narrowed to angry slits. "I so hate your guts right now."
"Oh, come on! I told you, I didn't know about any of this! Look, I was as surprised as you were."
"When you said Jen was bringing me a blind date, I was worried about enjoying the dance. Now I'm just worried about surviving it." Drew inspected his arm, counting his fingers. "And that's her sister? Oh, that's beautiful. That's just bee-flippin'-yootiful." He buried his face in his hands.
"Yes, that's her sister, so Jenny's probably feeling really protective of her. I guess she really wants XJ-8 to get out and have normal fun, just like her." Brad frowned – he was sympathetic to Drew's predicament, but he didn't want anything to upset Jenny tonight. "You're not thinking of bailing on her, are you?"
"Thinking about it? Dang skippy. Actually going to do it?" Drew rolled his eyes and sighed. "No."
Brad grinned, and punched him in the shoulder. "That's the spirit! What a trooper."
A nearby group of students, who had all been enjoying the spectacle, started to laugh. A tall senior shouted towards Drew. "Hey, Android … I didn't know that you were into heavy machinery. If you need a date for the prom, I can give you the phone number of a really cute cement mixer!"
"Android!" laughed another, "does your date make that beep-beep-beep noise when she backs up?"
Drew grimaced with humiliation, and renewed his death-stare at Brad. "Trooper, schmooper. I've changed my mind. Dude, say something to Jenny when she gets back!"
"Quiet!" Brad shushed. "Here they come! All right, all right, I'll try."
Jenny and XJ-8 made their way back through the growing mass of teens; but it certainly wasn't hard to pick Jenny's "little" sister out of a crowd. She lumbered up to the boys, sending a sharp vibration through the hardwood floor with each step. "Freshening up completed," the synthesized voice boomed in monotone. "Please provide schedule and instruction for impending social activity."
"See? She's as eager to get started as I am!" giggled Jenny. "So when does the dance start? The music sounds really awesome!"
"Pretty soon, I think," answered Brad. "They give everyone a chance to warm up, and then the DJ usually starts things off. Hey, um, Jenny … can we talk for a second before things get too loud in here?"
"Sure, Brad." She smiled at Drew and XJ-8. "That'll give you two a chance to get to know each other better!"
"Hey, great, thanks," Drew said through a phony smile. He gestured to Brad as he walked off with Jenny – get me out of this! Brad gestured back for him to just stay calm. A few steps away, he and Jenny found a spot of relative privacy. Brad took a deep breath, and tried to think of some diplomatic way to get Drew off the hook.
"Wow, it was … ah … quite a surprise to see you show up with your sister, Jen." Man, 'surprise' is one way of putting it! "Are you sure she's … er … ready for something like this?"
"I know, I know," she nodded, "you're thinking of the picnic incident. But don't worry. XJ-8 and I spent the whole afternoon together, and I explained everything she needs to know about school dances. And she's as excited as I am about being here tonight! Well … maybe almost as excited."
Brad sighed. Jenny, you're sure not making this easy … huh? She was softly blushing. "What's going on? Is something wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong," she giggled. She clasped her hands behind her back, and tucked one foot behind the other. "I just … can't believe I'm really actually here at a school dance. I was pretty certain that nobody would ever want to go with me – and I figured that there was at least three or four girls who wanted you to ask them out." She fidgeted with one of her pigtails, blushing furiously now. "I didn't think you'd actually ask me to go with you. I'm … I'm really glad you did, Brad."
"Well, of course! Why wouldn't I …" Brad stopped, finally noticing the coquettish way that Jenny was looking at him, out of the corners of her eyes. A stupid grin started to tug at the corners of his mouth. "Uh … really glad?"
"Mmm-hmmm. And you've been so great about helping me set up Drew and my little sister – that means a lot to me. It's her very first date. That's very special to a girl … kind of like how this is …" – she gulped nervously – "… our first date. You know, I told you I've been learning dance steps all week long. I … I made sure to learn some slow dance steps, too. That is … if you want to." She giggled into her hands.
"Slow … dance?" he babbled dreamily. "Just a second."
Brad turned, and shouted to Drew and XJ-8. "All right, you two crazy kids, have fun! We'll catch you on the dance floor!" With a quick wave, he and Jenny walked off into the crowd, playfully laughing and flirting with each other.
Drew shook a fist at him, mumbling under his breath. "Why that dirty rotten double-crosser –"
"You have assumed combat posture," droned XJ-8. "Threat detection sweep: results negative. Please explain your behavior, Drew-for-short."
"Combat posture?" he gasped, turning back to her. "No! I was just … ah … um … oh, boy." Well, I'm stuck for the duration now. Yeah, this is gonna be a magical night to remember. Better figure out a way to make the best of this. "Ah …. Why don't you tell me a little about yourself. So you're a global defense robot like your big sister, huh? Wow, you must lead a pretty fascinating life!"
"I reside in storage, in a powered-down state, running low-level internal diagnostics."
"Ah … that's really …. um …" Oh brother, looks like she's not going to be much for conversation. "Heh-heh … I suppose that gives you lots of time to catch up on TV, then. Seen any good shows lately?"
Her head suddenly rotated to the left. "Suspicious activity detected. Conducting situation analysis."
"Suspicious activity?" he turned to see what she could possibly mean. She was staring at a pair of shaggy-looking boys, hovering around the refreshment table, chuckling to themselves. Drew had to admit that they did look like they were up to no good. One boy reached into his denim jacket, pulled out a bottle of clear liquid, and moved towards the punch bowl.
"Those two adolescents are conducting a chemical attack on drinking resource integrity!" she blared. XJ-8's left arm lunged out, and cracked open at the elbow. With amazing speed, metallic tubes and sections unfolded and deployed into a cannon – with a muzzle three feet across. It looked like something that belonged on a navy battleship. It quickly whined to life …
"No, don't!" Drew yelled, panicking. "They're just trying to spike the punch …"
With a concussive blast, a huge mass of white sticky straps flew out of the cannon barrel. The shaggy-boys barely had enough time to look up as the material slammed into them, wrapping them from head to toe in a sticky cocoon. The bottle of booze shattered as they dropped to the gym floor, and started wriggling around like a pair of landed fish.
Drew sprinted through the excited crowd, with XJ-8 following him, heading towards the troublemakers. He ripped the straps away from their heads, and their blue-cheeked faces gasped for air. Drew sighed with relief. "All right you two, why don't you relax right there for a minute," he gasped. "And just be thankful that thing wasn't firing acid, or plasma bolts, or something even more creative."
"All right, XJ-8, I know you meant well, but … XJ-8?" She wasn't behind him anymore – she was standing back at the refreshments table, watching a small group of girls casually talking and munching on appetizers.
"Eh, these pizza rolls aren't bad," one of the girls said, "but they're a little cold."
"Initiate reheat sequence," boomed XJ-8. She held out her right hand, and a nozzle deployed from her palm. A flame sprung to life from her index finger, and she lowered it towards the nozzle …
"Holy smokin'-eyed Moses!" Drew shouted. It's a flame thrower! He hurdled the refreshment table and pushed the girls to the floor, knocking the tray of appetizers into the air. He caught the tray, just as a jet of orange flame lunged from XJ-8's palm, blasting him like the afterburner exhaust from a jet engine. Students screamed and shrunk back from the heat of the fire; but before any kind of a crisis could start, the flamethrower switched off, and retracted back into XJ-8's hand.
Drew stood in the middle of a charred section of floor, wobbling back and forth, pitch black from the knees up. Flecks of soot drifted off of his body, face and hair, floating softly to the gym floor. A pair of stunned white eyes blinked into view, in the middle of a coal-black face. And he was still holding a now-warped serving tray, covered with small black clumps, burning like candles.
The girls got up off the floor and stared at Drew with disgusted looks. He held out the serving tray to one of them. "Pizza roll?" he stammered. He took one, put the flame out, and tossed it in his mouth. "Mmmmm … carbony."
"Gross! Disgusting – much," she sneered, and headed to the other side of the gym as the crowd roared with laughter.
Drew moaned to himself under his breath, and stumbled his way back to XJ-8, who was still standing indifferently by the refreshment table. He slowly looked up into her face, with pleading eyes. "Let's try not to use any more robotic assault weaponry on school premises, mmmkay?"
"Safeties activated," bellowed XJ-8. "Is it now time for ritualistic social activity, Drew-for-short?"
"Give me a minute or two," he sighed. "Or five. Or fifteen. Or two hours."
Suddenly there was a merciful distraction, as a sophomore came running into the gym from the outside. He had a look of total disbelief on his face. "Guys! Guys! You have got to see this!" he yelled, waving his arms for attention. "I tell ya, you are not going to believe your eyes!"
It took some doing to get the crowd's attention after the flaming display by the refreshments, but gradually a buzz built through the entire gym, as hundreds of loud whispers passed the message from person to person. Somebody important must have just arrived, and was about to make a big entrance. The activity seemed to be busiest by the double doors, and sure enough, they swung open …
The crowd reeled back in shock. Jaws hit the floor. Guys and girls alike stared in astonishment.
Sheldon casually strolled through the doors dressed to kill in a white sport jacket, black shirt, and white pants. He wore a stylish pair of sunglasses, and his hair was gelled back off of his forehead, although he still sported a cowlick. But it was a stunning transformation, if a bit comical for the folks who knew who Sheldon Lee was.
Sheldon simply smiled to the crowd, and gestured to his … his date?
A stunning, six-foot brunette glided into the school gym, dressed in a form-fitting red party dress and tall red boots. Long, dark brown hair flowed over her shoulders, half-way down her back. She had a figure that rivaled any girl at the school; she looked more like a college girl, or a young woman. No, even that wasn't fair to her. She could easily have stepped off of the cover of the latest Swimsuit Illustrated magazine. The mystery bombshell walked up next to Sheldon, slid her silky-smooth hand through his arm, and gave him a squeeze. She gazed at him with her large, dark brown eyes, and gave him a soft kiss on the cheek with her pouty red lips.
Every boy in the gym gazed at her like a panting wolf, each of them wondering the same thing. How on Earth did Sheldon get a girl like that?!?
Sheldon slipped off his sunglasses and slid them into his jacket pocket. "Ladies and gentlemen," he grinned, "I'd like you all to meet … Helena."
Continued in Chapter Four