Crashdance
A "My Life as a Teenage Robot" Fanfic
Chapter Four – I'm Just a Love Machine
Sheldon beamed with satisfaction, enjoying the utter astonishment on every face in the gym. He walked arm in arm with Helena through the crowd. All eyes were riveted on his supermodel-class date; the boys with drool practically flowing off of their chins, the girls with seething fires of jealousy in their eyes. Quite remarkable, he thought to himself, but ultimately unimportant. After all, I'm only interested in one girl's reaction here tonight.
A tall, handsome senior from the football team swaggered up to them, looking down at Sheldon with contempt. He flipped the lapel of Sheldon's jacket with a sneer. "Get a load of dorkmeister here, guys," he chortled. "His mommy dressed him up, and he thinks he's hot stuff!"
Sheldon grimaced; he was a frequent target of the football jocks. "Don't you have something better to do?"
The senior just chuckled arrogantly, and slid up to Helena, running his eyes up and down her knockout figure. "What's the deal, baby? Are you his cousin? His babysitter? Or did you lose a bet?"
She turned to face the jock. "My Sheldon is twice the man you are," she said with a cold stare.
"Oooh, spunky one, isn't she?" he laughed. "Why don't you lose the nerd, and I'll show you how much of a man I really am, doll." He grabbed Helena by the hand …
And she squeezed back, hard. The jock's face writhed in agony, as his hand crackled and crunched like a bag of potato chips. Then she pulled him off of his feet and flipped him over her head. He slammed into a basketball goal, and sunk down into the netting, teetering on unconsciousness.
The crowd gasped, and Helena collected herself, turning back to Sheldon. "He said such nasty things about you! You're the most wonderful man a girl could ever have, sweetie …"
"Heh-heh … um … not only beautiful, but she exercises every day, folks," said Sheldon, tugging nervously at the collar of his shirt.
"Sweetie … sweetie … sweetie … sweetie …"
"Uh-oh." Better move fast. Sheldon rushed Helena towards the restrooms, running as quickly as they could through the mass of curious onlookers. "Just a – eh – minor emergency here, folks! Um … something stuck in her throat. Can we get … excuse me … can we just squeeze … that's it. Pardon me!" They finally made their way through the crowd, and arrived at the restrooms; but that wasn't what he was looking for. "Janitor's closet! Bingo!"
"Sweetie … sweetie … sweetie … sweetie …"
Sheldon zipped into the closet, pulled Helena in, and locked the door behind them. "Whew," he gasped, wiping a bead of sweat from his forehead. "That was close! All right, nothing to worry about … it's just a minor hiccup … I know just what you need."
He felt around the back of her head, and pressed a small button. With sharp crack and a hiss of air, Helena's back opened up – revealing her insides to be filled with motors, pistons, gears and hoses, all housed in a sturdy steel frame. The stunningly beautiful Helena was a robot, perhaps the most impressive creation ever to come out of Sheldon's garage – though right now, there seemed to be a problem with the language circuits. Sheldon pulled a small tool kit from his jacket pocket, and started fiddling with the wires leading up to Helena's head.
"Sweetie … sweetie … swee-bloop! … Speech module reset!" Helena's eyes glazed over, and her head slumped to one side.
Sheldon inspected the microchips on her circuit boards. "Man, I sure wish I'd had more time to give you a test run! Twenty-four hours is a pretty hectic deadline for a project like this, even for a genius of my caliber. But I'll have you back up and running in no time."
"Sheldon, you are so wonderful," she cooed in an overly sweet voice, while the sound of a ratchet wrench reverberated from her belly. "You're the only guy for me!"
"Oh, you only need to act like that in the gym, robot," he said, focusing on a pair of loose cables. "Hmmm, I'm not sure about some of this wiring up by the brain … but it'll have to do for now." Sheldon tightened a few last bolts, and closed the panel on Helena's back. It sealed shut, without a trace of a seam in her silcone-based artificial skin. "Ahem … Helena, run a level one diagnostic!"
"Working," she purred. A stream of numbers flashed by in her eyeballs for a few seconds. "All systems are functioning just super … Sheldy-poo!"
"Sheldy-poo?!? I don't remember programming that into your vocabulary database. You know what? I like it! You're doing a great job pretending to be in love with me, robot!" He rubbed his hands together, barely able to contain his excitement. "When Jenny sees us together, and thinks that I've got a beautiful girlfriend who's crazy about me … she is going to be so jealous! Just like that magazine said!" His eyes started to cloud over. "And then she'll come chasing after me, and we can be together – forever."
Sheldon put his tools away and smoothed back his hair. "All right, it sounds like the dance is starting. Let's put on a good show for Jenny!" He unlocked the door, and walked out of the janitor's closet.
Helena paused for a moment, and her eyes glowed a dull, angry red. "Jenny?" she growled. "Grrrrr!" Then she snapped back to normal, and ran after Sheldon, sliding her robotic hand through his arm.
The students whooped and hollered as the DJ played the latest number one song, pumping up the bass to fill the gym with a steady thump-thump-thump. It was impossible not to dance to, and Jenny was twisting and jumping along with everyone, having the time of her life. Brad was almost exhausted from trying to keep up with his hyperactive dance partner, but he wasn't about to let a first-timer show him up. Besides, he was having a blast, too.
The song was drawing to a close, and Jenny decided to show off a little. She spun around on her toes like a gyroscope, and fell into Brad's arms on the ending note. Unfortunately, he wasn't expecting it. Jenny and Brad stumbled over backwards, and started a chain reaction, as a dozen students tumbled to the floor like dominoes. Nobody was hurt, but there were a few annoyed moans directed at her. "Sorry about that," she chuckled nervously. "That move looked so cool on the new Spitney Breers video. Guess I'm just a little overexcited!"
"Don't sweat it, Jen," laughed Brad, as he and Jenny helped each other back to their feet. "You're doing great for your first dance! Although, it might not be a bad idea to take a little break."
"What's the matter, 'dancing machine', getting tired?" She laughed, then punched the air with her fist. "Brad, I knew dancing was going to be fun, but I never realized it was this much fun! I hope XJ-8 is having as good a time as I am. There she is! Hey sis!" Jenny waved excitedly.
Brad quickly spotted the nine-foot-tall robot girl lumbering to the side of the gym. Drew followed behind her, walking very awkwardly, with a look of total disgust on his face – and the people around him were roaring with laughter. Then Brad noticed Drew's feet. They had been mashed as flat as pancakes. He looked like he was wearing giant silver swim flippers.
Uh-oh. I guess XJ-8 is even less coordinated than Jenny is. "Um, tell you what, Jen – what do you say we grab something to drink first? That'll give us a chance to cool down." And give Drew a chance to cool down – and lose the duck-feet look.
"Well, I suppose I could use a little water in my radiator," she agreed. "Okay, let's grab something …"
Then Jenny froze in her tracks, amazed at who she saw walking across the dance floor. She'd been hearing some weird rumors all night, but she'd assumed that there was nothing to them. "I don't believe it! Is that … is that you, Sheldon?" Sheldon? Dressed up in trendy clothes and a nice haircut … and actually looking … cute? And who's that with him?
Sheldon gave her a friendly wave, and struggled to control himself. Oh, sweet, beautiful Jenny … I'm sorry to deceive you like this, my angel, but all's fair in love and war! He took a deep breath to steady his nerves, and approached his target.
"Good evening, Jenny, Brad. I hope you're both enjoying the evening's festivities. I'm very glad we ran into you … there's somebody I want you to meet." He held gestured to his lovely "date". "Jenny, Brad, I'd like you to meet Helena."
"Wow!" Brad gasped. "You're here with Sheldon?!?" He instantly felt stupid for saying it, but it seemed like a legitimate question. I mean … this has got to be one of the signs of the apocalypse.
"Gosh, Sheldon … I'm really happy for you," Jenny stammered, still a little stunned. "It's very nice to meet you, Helena."
Helena squeezed Sheldon's arm affectionately. "Sheldon is the most understanding, caring man I've ever met in my life. He makes me so happy, Jenny." Then she gave her a nasty look. "He's all mine, and don't you forget it!"
Brad and Jenny exchanged a confused glance, thinking the same thing … What was that all about?
"Calm down, muffin!" Sheldon chuckled nervously, and patted Helena on the arm. "She's … heh-heh … just a little high-strung tonight! Well, I'd love to chat some more, Jenny, but the next song is about to begin, and I feel like … getting down."
"Sheldon is the most amazing dancer in the whole world," swooned Helena, fluttering her eyelashes.
"Er … come on, dumpling, the song's starting!" Sheldon pulled Helena a few feet away, with a touch of irritation on his face, until they were out of earshot. "For Pete's sake, I programmed you to act like you're crazy about me, but you're overdoing it a little! Sigh. That's okay, though – no harm done. So far, everything's working perfectly. Did you see the look on her face? She was so surprised to see dorky little Sheldon being fawned over by a gorgeous babe. Now it's time to initiate … Phase Two."
He unbuttoned a shirt button, and reached a hand inside. He was wearing a set of long underwear beneath his clothes – very special long underwear. A little something he'd been working on in his spare time in the garage. They were stitched with yards and yards of wiring, thin steel cable, microchips, and dozens of tiny motors. Sheldon pulled a small control knob out of his shirt, and rotated through the settings.
"Let's see. Square dance – nope. Ballet – nope. Polka – nope. Ah, here we go." He twisted the knob, and pressed the activation button. "Funkmaster."
Sheldon's arms and legs gently quivered as the techno beat started thumping from the sound system once again – then, to the amazement of everyone around him, he started swiveling his hips, and pumping his arms, and all of the sudden he was wiggling and grooving like one of Spitney Breer's background dancers. The kids gazed in awe as Sheldon shuffled from side to side, moonwalked, then jumped in the air, somersaulted backwards, and landed on the floor, doing the splits.
Jenny and Brad stared slack-jawed, as Sheldon grabbed Helena by the hand and started to spin her in circles, burning up the dance floor. People started clapping and cheering Sheldon on, amazed at the display of high-energy dancing.
Drawn by the commotion, Drew and XJ-8 walked over next to Brad and Jenny. Drew – whose feet had returned to normal – tapped Brad on the shoulder. "Hey there, guys. What's all the excitement abou- … Great Googly Moogly!"
Brad couldn't turn his head. "I'm seeing it with my own eyes, and I still don't believe it."
"Wow, look at Sheldon go," gasped Jenny. "He's incredible!"
An audience had cleared a circled around Sheldon and Helena by now, clapping and laughing in astonishment. Sheldon's cheeks were burning red with exhaustion, but he'd saved the best for last. He started spinning Helena around his waist; then she looped over his head, and in one motion, she landed and tossed Sheldon ten feet into the air, spinning like a figure skater. His body twisted around half a dozen times, then he came down and landed next to his partner, striking a perfect pose – though his eyes were spinning around in their sockets.
The students roared with enthusiasm, half-cheering, half-laughing, nobody believing what they'd just witnessed. They started shouting and chanting for him. "Bust a move!" "Way to go, Poindexter!" "Go Shel-don! Go Shel-don!"
Jenny laughed and grabbed Brad by the arms. "Oh, wow, that looks like so much fun! Come on, Brad, you don't want to get out-danced by Sheldon, do you? Let's try that!"
"Let's try wha – GAAAAAHH!" Jenny pulled Brad off his feet and swung him around in circles, then planted him back on his feet, and flipped over his head, just as she'd watched Helena do with Sheldon. As soon as Jenny's toes touched the floor again, she spun Brad around once, and flung him into the air.
Brad twisted like a cheerleader's baton, and sailed thirty feet upwards, nearly bumping his head against the mirrored disco ball. The world spun round in frenzied circles. He could make out dozens of faces staring at him, and they started to look a lot closer as he tumbled back down to earth. And just when it seemed like he was about to plaster himself onto the floor, a pair of metallic arms stretched out and caught him. Jenny held him in her arms, with a huge smile on her face.
As soon as his head stopped swimming, Brad punched his fists into the air. "Woo-hoo! Awesome!"
Silently observing, XJ-8 took note of everyone's excitement over the extreme dance moves. Analysis: group opinion seems to encourage this maneuver. Heavy motors whined as she turned and looked down at Drew, who was politely clapping.
"That looks like so much fun," her synthesized voice boomed, mimicking what her big sister had said. She reached out with both gargantuan arms …
Drew realized what was about to happen. "Oh no," he whimpered.
XJ-8 clamped her massive hands around Drew's body and lifted him off the floor. Then her torso started to rotate in place, spinning faster and faster. Students yelled and cleared out of the way as XJ-8's upper body disappeared into a purple blur, rotating at high speed around her hips. Scraps of paper and streamers were kicked up as a breeze started to build around her. Her motors whined with higher and higher pitch, and the gym floor started to vibrate, even though she was standing still.
Then in one powerful move, XJ-8 dipped Drew down towards the floor. Brad and Jenny were just able to make out the look of terror on his face before XJ-8 flung her arms upwards, sending him rocketing towards the ceiling like a missile. He blasted a hole through the roof of the gymnasium, and disappeared into the starry sky above.
The students howled with laughter as small pieces of plaster drifted down from the ceiling. XJ-8 glanced around at the crowd, and for the first time that evening, the neutral expression on her large, rounded head was replace by a look of … worry. She leaned over to speak to Jenny. "I do not understand the laughter. Have I executed the rhythmic maneuver in a comical manner?"
Jenny sighed sadly, and patted her sister on the arm. "It's OK, XJ-8. They're just laughing because … um … because they're enjoying themselves. Come on, let's walk over here for a second."
Sheldon watched Jenny and Brad guide XJ-8 away from the dance floor, while he heaved to get his breath back. He would call the first field test of the motorized underwear a complete success, and he could tell that Jenny had been totally impressed with his dancing. He'd even heard her use the word "incredible". Granted, she wasn't throwing herself at him just yet, but it was only a matter of time. She'd come around eventually. Sheldon stared at his fair maiden with longing eyes, fantasizing about the two of them waltzing together across the floor …
And Helena stared at Jenny too. The object of Sheldon's desire. Her Sheldon. Her robotic teeth started to grind together, and her hands slowly clenched into shaking fists. Grrrrrrrrrr.
Fashionably late and smooth as ever, Don Prima slid his arm around his lucky date for the evening, as he turned his glistening red sports car into the school parking lot. It was a beautiful night, and he had the top down – he enjoyed the wind in his hair, and it was easier for his many admirers to see him. The beautiful redhead leaned over to snuggle against Don's swelling chest.
"Wow, your car is amazing, Don," she swooned, "just like you."
"Right on both counts, babe," he chuckled. "Picked it up last week – just came in from Europe. Eight hundred horsepower, state-of-the-art stereo system, and custom leather seats. Power and style … just like the driver."
"Oh, Don!" she giggled and bounced. "You're so dreamy … hey, do you hear that?"
Suddenly he heard it too. It sounded like a scream, far off in the distance, but getting closer in a hurry. It didn't seem to be coming from any particular direction. It was almost as if it were coming from directly overhead. "It's probably nothing, babe. Now, we were talking about my car …"
Something fell out of the sky and hit the ground, hard. The car shuddered, then bounced over some kind of bump in the pavement with a thump-thump, thump-thump. Startled, Don slammed on the brakes.
The redhead was shaking with fear in her seat. "Did – did we just hit someone?"
Don swung his door open and climbed out. "I hope not – I just put three coats of wax on this baby."
He rushed around to the back of his car, looking over the body, admiring his reflection in the chrome bumpers. He reached into the back seat and pulled out a polishing rag. There didn't seem to be any scratches in the perfect red paint. But his eye did catch something – a small blob on the middle of his license plate, which read, of course, DONSTER.
He quickly wiped it off with the rag. It was some kind of strange, soft metallic substance … with a silver-green color. Then he heard a soft groan coming from behind him.
He'd just driven over a shallow hole in the middle of the parking lot, filled with a silvery-green paste. He could tell, because he saw his car's tire tracks in the paste … paste which was starting to warble, and shimmer, and flow itself up out of the hole. With a whine and a schlorrrrp, it built itself up into humanoid form, and took a few staggering steps, waving its arms dizzily.
"Oh great," sneered Don, "it's the freak job. Look, slimeball, if you knocked the wheels out of alignment on my new car, then you're paying to get it fixed!" He tossed the polishing rag, with the silver blob, into Drew's face. "Here, this is probably part of your brain, or something."
"Gee, thanks ever so much," croaked Drew, pulling the rag away. "You want this back?"
"Keep it, Gumby. What's a loser like you doing here tonight, anyway?"
Drew slumped his shoulders with a heavy sigh. "You know, I've been asking myself that question since I got here," he mumbled. Then he tossed the rag aside, and slowly trudged back towards the gym.
Continued in Chapter Five