*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Oh, please. God no. Don't let him make me do this. Please, no…
She's vulnerable, standing barefoot with her toes dirtied in the mud, eyes glued open, hands quivering, mouth parted, hair tangled, nightgown ripped, cheeks cut, left index finger bleeding…
She can't be more than eight years old, you demented fuck! She hasn't lived long enough to filthy the world! From a cradle to a fucking casket, indeed.
I can kill her. I have to kill her. It's necessary. To stop evil, I must do evil. She'll be a sacrifice for the greater good. Sometimes people have to die, so others can live, right? Right. Like when mothers die during birth. Like when Lily died protecting Harry. This child will die so more like her can live.
She's dry heaving. Part of me wants her to have it up all over Lucius's robes. If this weren't such a grave situation, I might smile at that thought…
"Destroy her."
He keeps repeating that same command, over and over again. Actually, I think that's only the second time he's said it. I think I'm delusional, like a paranoid schizophrenic. No, Severus, stop with the Muggle psychology terms. Keep your mind on the task. Kill the girl.
"Muggle-lover," someone hissed.
The ultimate insult amongst the Death Eaters had just been thrown at me. If I had any false sense of dignity left, I would have killed the girl there, right in front of them. A simple Avada Kedavra, and she would be gone. A nice, painless death - free of nightmares and the insipid, ignorant schoolchildren who might harass her during her days. An empty doorway to nothingness. Bliss.
If only.
"Avada Kedavra."
The girl fell dead before my eyes. Her frail, bloodied body hit the mud, splattering the dismal brown against her infantile face.
"Excellent, Severus," my master hissed into my ear. "Extremely well done."
There was scattered applause. I bowed, tears hidden behind the mask.
The show must go on.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
the jagged end of a saw,
thrusts forth
rake her of her insides, throw it out to sea
the insufferable eye of the bark, tree branch break
and fall upon her
break her
(make her complete)
bury me in your dirt, mama
I've disappointed you so, shot straight up to the sky
like a rocket ship superstar
but it was only a daydream
and I'm lying flat on my back, legs wide open
waiting for the vultures to cure their malnourishment
I've failed, mama, I've failed
and I'm walking to the attic
the soft creaks beneath my broken feet
waiting for the floorboards to give way.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It was nearly daybreak by the time I had returned to Hogwarts. The sky's first blush. New beginnings. Dawn.
Harry was asleep on the sofa in my chambers, shivering. I picked him up and carried him to his bed, tucked him in, removed his glasses, kissed his cheek. He must have been in REM, because he didn't wake up. I shut the door softly behind me.
The bathroom seemed miles away, but I made it before I threw my stomach up.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Severus?"
A kind voice, a gentle touch. I didn't want to wake up, didn't want to open my eyes.
"Severus, it's Albus."
Albus…
I forced my eyes open. The glass of water was at the ready, and I sipped tentatively.
"What happened?"
Death. It's a major life event.
I remained silent, my eyes cast down on my legs. I wasn't in the hospital wing this time. I was in my own bed, in my chambers, in the company of my bare walls, and bottled potions ingredients. Familiarity.
"Severus?"
How can I tell you, Albus? How can I tell you that I am the essence of destruction?
"I…" I trailed off.
He placed a hand on my shoulder as I began to shake.
"Go on, Severus," he said soothingly.
"I killed a child."
He sat down on the edge of my bed, put a hand through my hair, told me to tell him the whole story. I did. I told him everything. He told me it wasn't my fault, that there was no escape, that I gave her a far less traumatic death than what could have been, that I did what I had to do.
I screamed that I didn't try hard enough.
I told him everything. I told him that I could still see her hit the ground; still see the mud splattering the face of innocence.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Harry ate dinner with me in my rooms that evening. I was pretty sure that Albus had put him up to the task of making sure that I consume something. I really wasn't hungry at all.
"Transfiguration was brilliant today," he said brightly. "We learned how to transfigure tables into chairs. Ron was extremely pleased with the lesson because tables are used for homework and chairs are used for sitting."
I'm pretty sure I put him off with my silence, but he continued on about his day seemingly undaunted.
After dinner, we had one too many games of Wizard's Chess. I won a total of one time and I believe it's because he let me.
I sent him to bed before he could ask about what happened. Not that it mattered.
He already knew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Professor Snape, sir?"
My eyes flashed to the young girl in front of me: a first year Hufflepuff, timid and cowering (just how I liked them). White blond hair, blue eyes, simplistic childish features. Skinny, frail, delicate…weak. A victim.
"Yes?" I choked.
"Sir, I-I think botched my potion. It's the wrong color…"
She was so terribly afraid of me.
"I see," I managed a steady tone. "What color is your potion?"
She moved a strand of hair from her eyes, fidgeting nervously beneath my gaze. In this brief act, my eye caught onto a tear in the sleeve of her robe.
"Lavender, sir."
"And what color is the potion supposed to be?"
She was trembling slightly by this point.
"Plum, sir."
"Do you know what you did wrong?"
"Yes, sir…I think I added the frog spawn before I should have."
She bowed her head, ashamed and afraid. I had no intention of taking away points, of course. I had no intention of even failing her. It hurt just to look at her.
"I'm sure you'll do better next time," I said softly. She looked up at me, an array of surprise and relief blooming on her young face. "What happened to your robes?"
"Snagged it on a nail," she replied, hiding the rip embarrassedly.
I smirked. "Be more careful about that." With a wave of my wand, the damage was gone.
"Thanks, Professor!" she smiled. Then she walked off.
If only my mistakes were that easy to fix.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Harry was screaming again. He was also convulsing. The headboard banged against the wall with the passion of a 33-year-old woman and a 19-year-old boy consummating the relationship.
I got up, threw on a robe and walked to his room. He was crying so hard, sobbing, wailing. It took me a moment, but eventually I realized he was awake. His body was hidden beneath a pile of covers, his face obscured by his pillow.
"Sirius…"
And he had no idea I was there. His brokenhearted whisper was like a scream in the quiet room.
"God, Sirius, I'm so bloody sorry."
It was another case of Harry Bloody Potter taking life's inevitable end onto his own shoulders.
"Cedric…Mum, Dad."
Again.
"Severus."
What? I wasn't dead.
I pinched my arm.
Yeah. I was alive.
Damn it.
"I'm not gone quite yet, Harry."
"Go away."
Bloody hell. Couldn't the arrogant brat make up his mind?
"No, I don't think that's a good idea." I sat down on the end of his bed and attempted to unravel him from the tangle of blankets, but he protested and lashed out. "Potter, don't act like a child."
"I'm not," he sobbed. "I'm not acting like a fucking child!"
"Watch your language."
"Watch yours." He rolled away from me. "Go away. I don't want to talk to you."
"You don't have a choice," I replied, easing closer to him. "Tell me what's wrong." When he didn't reply, I pried the pillow from his head.
Daringly, he glared at me. "Fuck off."
Much to his disdain, I grabbed and pulled him closer until his head was at rest on my chest. He struggled to get away, pushing at my side, clawing at my stomach, kicking the mattress in frustration. After an unsuccessful five minutes, he calmed down and surrendered.
"What's wrong, Harry?"
"Go away."
"I'm not going anywhere."
"Fine, but I'm not saying a word."
"Fine. I won't leave your side until you do."
"You can't do that."
"Yes I can."
"How?"
"I'll find a substitute to take over my classes and follow you to yours. I'll sit with you at the Gryffindor table during meals, stand outside of the stall while you're in the bathroom, co-referee with Madame Hooch at Quidditch games, accompany you on your excursions with your friends-"
"NO!" he sounded horrified.
"The choice is yours, Potter."
"Harry."
"Harry."
I listened to him breathe for a long while. It seemed like an hour before he finally spoke.
"Everyone I touch dies."
I snorted. "I'm still alive. I'm in physical contact with you right now."
"You're going to go away, though."
I rubbed his back. "When the time is right, we all go away."
"No, you'll go before the time is right."
"It's called fate."
"Fuck fate."
"Harry, watch your language," I chided.
"They're just fucking words."
"Don't argue with me. Now what else is wrong?"
"I killed Cedric and Sirius."
"Black fell through the veil because of his own irrationality. Diggory was a victim of Voldemort." I felt his head shake and he started to sob again. "Shh, child." He had my shirt in a death grip, his knuckles hardening over my skin. "I know you miss Sirius, but blaming yourself will not make him come back."
"You blame yourself for that girl."
I tensed. "I spoke the words, my wand shot the magic and now she's dead. I deserve the blame."
"Not all of it."
"Harry, killing that child can be labeled a perversion. Voldemort called her filthy, but she was nothing but pure."
"Like killing a unicorn…"
"Yes, only her blood wasn't silver."
"I wish my blood were silver. It would be more aesthetically pleasing when I cut myself."
I sighed, nudged him with my hand. "Have you recently?"
"No."
"Are you lying?"
"No."
"Positive?"
"N-erm…yes."
"If I find out you're lying, I'll…um…"
"Find a suitably horrible punishment?"
"Yeah, that's it."
"Okay."
Eventually we fell asleep.
When we awoke in the morning, Harry relayed his dream to me. He had defeated Voldemort and he, Ron, Hermione, Albus, Remus, and myself joined hands and sang Queen's "We Are The Champions".
I had dreamt, too.
In my dream, the whisper of a girl had turned into a whisper of Harry. I pointed my wand, choked out the words, and my child fell lifeless into the mud.