Goodbyes: Mizuno Ami
Disclaimer: Sailormoon is not mine. I'm broke, don't sue!
By: Selenity Jade (Jadesama@aol.com)
Rating: PG13
She's gone. She's really gone this time. I sit numbly on the ground, barely taking notice I'm in Ichinohashi Park, the park she had enjoyed so much. The stars shine dimly tonight, almost if the entire universe is morning the loss of its protector. For all I know, it is.
A month after her death and I haven't yet come to terms with it. I refused to believe she was truly gone. She had always made it before. She had always survived. She came back to us after defeating Beryl. She returned after saving us on Fiore's meteor. She made it back from the Galaxy Cauldron. She's returned after every death she has ever had. The ginzuishou brought her back every time. 'Why not now?' my mind kept asking in hope. 'Why not now?' But I know she's not coming back this time. I expected to see her around the Crystal Palace every moment. The beautiful Queen our sweet Usagi-chan turned into. And every time she didn't appear, it was slammed back into my mind. She's gone. She's really gone.
I was walking in uptown Crystal Tokyo, when I found myself here. Then it truly hit me. Some emotion or force of habit led me here. To the park she kept fully restored from the old days of Tokyo. This park had so many memories for her and she didn't want to lose this part of her life. It was already so hard on our Princess to lose her family and friends throughout the centuries. This park was left intact in hopes that we will all remember our childhood. Remember what it was like to be normal and young. To remember what we are fighting for still. Serenity didn't want our immortality to numb us to the world and its pain. This park stands for all that.
I felt a sad smile cross my face. Our little Princess turned out to be such a wonderful mother, wife, and ruler. Who would have thought, clumsy Usagi-chan would turn into a graceful, goddess-like ruler of the entire Earth? I miss her so much now. I miss seeing her around the palace. Acting as if she was still innocent Usagi-chan.
She's gone. I start to weep silently. Usagi-chan is really gone. I lift my face to the sky, tears now falling freely. Me, who never yelled, never got upset, never lost it, never wept. Me, sitting on the wet grass in the middle of the night, weeping to the sky.
"Why?!" I scream out. To who, I am uncertain. Maybe to God for not caring about my loneliness without her. Maybe to Fate for taking her from me. Maybe to her mother, Serenity, for making me live, only to see her die again. Maybe to Usagi-chan herself for leaving me alone, for dying. Or maybe to myself, for failing in my most sacred and cherished duty. To protect her.
Oh, I know in my head I couldn't have saved her. But my heart is another story. My heart will never believe that. And because Usagi-chan taught me to listen to my heart, I can't ignore it. I should have been closer to her. I should have been faster. I should have trained more. I should have died in her place! All this echoes at me from my heart. My heart, which is slowly dying.
My Queen was my life, my light. She taught me so much about enjoying life. And without her, I can't seem to care for anything anymore, but joining her. Even this planet and all within it can't stir anything within me. I know I have given up hope.
I remember that she never gave up hope, ever. But, I am not strong like her. I cannot live without her. She always kept going. When Mamoru-kun lost his memories of her, she still believed. She still believed he would return to her. When Sailor Galaxia killed all of us, she still had hope. Hope that she could save us. Never, has she ever given up hope. But I am not she. I'm not pure like her. I don't have her faith. She was the one who gave us hope and promise when we had none.
I remember what it was like so long ago, before I met her. I was so alone. Only she saw what was inside me. I studied hard because I was lonely. To escape the pain. Usagi-chan saw that and she befriended me. Made me open up and have fun. She became my friend when few would. Without her, I wouldn't have ever had true friends. And even now, I have friends. But we lost the one that kept us together. I am alone once more.
Lately, I remember so many of my memories that I haven't recalled in decades. I remember that before I met Usagi-chan, I always felt like I was waiting. Waiting for someone. Someone important, yet unknown to me. I had always felt a void. I felt the void the Princess had left with me even then. The void where her presence was supposed to be. I knew I had to find that person. To protect someone. Yet, I felt like I was insane. Why would I be needed to protect any body? I was only a young girl who did nothing but study. Yet the feeling persisted. The feeling that when that person was found that my life would be complete. That is when she found me. All my waiting had been worth it. All I knew was that this girl named Usagi was my reason for living.
Smiling at the memory of our first meeting, I let the tears continue. She saw I was alone and never let me bury myself in my studies again. Our precious princess was perceptive, although few would have realized it then. Now, we know better. We know she felt our pain, our loneliness, and our need. She knew us better than any other, and she cared for us with more feeling than any of us could guess.
She knew immediately when I needed her. When Urawa-kun died, so long ago, I felt torn in two. She just showed up at my apartment, arms open, with a sympathetic smile on her face. She never said a word. I flew into her arms and cried my pain out. I cried for hours, and she never said a word. But it was right somehow. Because of her, I was able to move on. And maybe, because she will always be first in my heart, I made it all these centuries.
Usagi-chan was the reason I am Sailor Mercury. She is the reason I fought. The reason I protected this galaxy. I loved being the Senshi of water and ice because it allowed me to protect the most important person to me. I loved being the Senshi of Knowledge and Wisdom because of her. She was my life. And my life is gone.
I hate myself for not dying in her place. Yet I know she would never want that. My death or my self-hatred. Why did she have to protect us? "Why her?! Why couldn't it have been me?!" I scream out.
Tsukino Usagi should never have been born with such a destiny. That beautiful girl would have loved to live a normal, happy life. Yet, she accepted her destiny. Accepted it, because she could have never stood by while her loved ones were hurt. She may not have seemed the most graceful or courageous person. She seemed spoiled and selfish. Yet, she had a grace all her own. Her courage was in facing such a burdensome destiny. In facing everyone with trust. And yes, she was selfish, but whenever it truly mattered, she would have gladly given anything to help her precious ones. That is without her being Sailor Moon.
Sailor Moon should never have existed. The Moon Princess should never have been made a warrior. That is why she never wanted to fight. It was never in her blood. Only her incredible love for everything the dark forces wished to destroy kept her fighting. She always came through for the planet and us. She kept fighting even when it tore her heart in two. I always believed that Queen Serenity made a grave mistake making her daughter a Senshi. Yet, she saved us all. She destroyed every enemy that arose. And most of the time, it was not even her fighting that saved us. But her love and trust that turned the enemy to good, or made her sacrifice herself to save us all. So, maybe the Queen didn't make that big of a mistake. The Earth would have been destroyed long ago if it hadn't been for Sailor Moon.
I remember the first sight of Princess Serenity so long ago on Earth. I wasn't even all that surprised to find that it was Sailor Moon. It fit somehow. Everything I had felt began to make sense. I knew I was to protect Sailor Moon, and it just made more sense when she turned out to be the long sought Princess. The first time I saw her, it astounded me. She was heavenly. An angel.
Over time, our Usagi-chan came to take on the qualities of the Princess she was long ago. It was difficult to notice at first, but after the defeat of Galaxia, it became obvious. She was merging her identities. When her merger became complete, Crystal Tokyo followed shortly after. It was wondrous watching her mature into a Queen. So confident and proud. Graceful and wise. She made us proud.
I laugh bitterly. Her greatest weakness was her fear of being alone. Of being left alone without the Senshi, without the King. Yet, she is the one to leave us. She is the one who died. Even though I would never wish any pain on her, I wish that I wouldn't ever have had to see her die. I wish it had been someone else. Me, another Senshi. Anybody but her. Yet, at the same time, I know it would have torn her apart to lose one of us.
What will the galaxy do without its Queen? How will it – how will we survive without her? She ruled it for so long. She brought about peace and prosperity. She governed perfectly. Neo-Queen Serenity restored the Silver Millennium that her mother created so long ago. She repopulated the planets, restored our royal titles. She married her prince, and together they ruled the Galaxy. After a millennia, they were finally together for all time. No more trials. Only happiness. And they deserved it. She deserved it after so much pain.
Will her daughter do as well? Will Chibi-Usa govern with as much wisdom? She raised her daughter well, but there are still doubts. All of the Senshi love the new Sailor Moon. The new Queen. Yet, she can never fill the void that was left when her mother left us. I suspect the only reason any of the Senshi or the King is still here is to make certain the new Queen will carry on. Our worry for the daughter of our beloved Queen keeps us here now. Maybe, when she has finally established herself all of us will slowly drift away. She doesn't need us. She has plenty of advisors. And Diana will always be with her. Diana's loyalty and heart belongs to the daughter, not the mother. She is saddened by the Queen's death, but she feels only mourning. Not death.
We are all bonded to our Queen. We all felt her death. We felt as if we died too. And I wished I had died with her. My life is meaningless now. We watched and felt our reason for living die. How any of us survived is a mystery. Maybe a part of her saved us from that too. Made us go on without her. Yet, how can I? How can I survive when my life is gone? How can I move on?
I feel so much guilt over never telling her how much I care about her. How much I love her. I always thought I would have more time. Forever really. And I figured she knew. I regret that now. As I regret so much now.
I stare silently at the moon, taking notice that the moonlight is so bright this night. Almost as if it is welcoming her into eternity. "Usagi-chan," I weep. "I'm so sorry I couldn't protect you. Just like I couldn't protect you on the moon a millennia ago. I'm sorry I am alive while you are not. I have never wanted to die as much as I do right now. I feel the void more clearly now then before I met you. I felt you die, Serenity. I felt your presence disappear. I felt my soul rip apart. As if a part of me went with you. I want to be with you, Usagi-chan." I start to shake as the tears fall faster.
"How will I survive without you? How can I fight when my reason for fighting is gone? I can I keep on at the palace when I am not needed anymore. When all it does is remind me that you are no longer here? I lost my best friend, my Queen, my life. I lost my will to live because I lost you. I can't even breathe without being reminded of you. I'm still here because I know that you would want us to look after your daughter. I live because I can't bear to disappoint you again. Do you know how much you mean to us, to me? Do you know that every time we fought I fought for you? I studied for you, to protect you. I'm sorry I never said you are my life. I'm sorry I never said you are my best friend. But most of all, I am sorry I never told you I love you."
"I know, Ami-chan, I know." I snap my head around looking for her, but deep inside I know she isn't there. I smile sadly through my tears.
"Thank you, Usagi-chan," I whisper. I slowly get up; noticing the stiffness of sitting in the same position for hours took its toll, and looked around. Noticing the lightening sky, I realize it is almost dawn.
I know she is gone, yet I will see her again soon. The time of the Sailor Senshi has passed on now. But until Chibi-Usa is established, I will endure. I'll miss my Queen terribly but I'll keep going. I'll survive for a while longer. I now know that she knows I love her, which eases my guilt. I will care for the new ruler until I am no longer needed. I will care for her daughter as my last gift to my beloved friend. I will live for now. Soon, I'll see her again.
"Soon, Usagi-chan," I whisper to the wind. "Soon."
~~~
AN: This is the first installment of a series of emotional pieces on the death of Usagi by various Sailor Senshi and SM characters. It was my very first fic way back in HS (and I'm 24 now, so you can imagine how long ago that was), though I have revamped it a bit. I hope you like it.
Lovies!
Disclaimer: Sailormoon is not mine. I'm broke, don't sue!
By: Selenity Jade (Jadesama@aol.com)
Rating: PG13
She's gone. She's really gone this time. I sit numbly on the ground, barely taking notice I'm in Ichinohashi Park, the park she had enjoyed so much. The stars shine dimly tonight, almost if the entire universe is morning the loss of its protector. For all I know, it is.
A month after her death and I haven't yet come to terms with it. I refused to believe she was truly gone. She had always made it before. She had always survived. She came back to us after defeating Beryl. She returned after saving us on Fiore's meteor. She made it back from the Galaxy Cauldron. She's returned after every death she has ever had. The ginzuishou brought her back every time. 'Why not now?' my mind kept asking in hope. 'Why not now?' But I know she's not coming back this time. I expected to see her around the Crystal Palace every moment. The beautiful Queen our sweet Usagi-chan turned into. And every time she didn't appear, it was slammed back into my mind. She's gone. She's really gone.
I was walking in uptown Crystal Tokyo, when I found myself here. Then it truly hit me. Some emotion or force of habit led me here. To the park she kept fully restored from the old days of Tokyo. This park had so many memories for her and she didn't want to lose this part of her life. It was already so hard on our Princess to lose her family and friends throughout the centuries. This park was left intact in hopes that we will all remember our childhood. Remember what it was like to be normal and young. To remember what we are fighting for still. Serenity didn't want our immortality to numb us to the world and its pain. This park stands for all that.
I felt a sad smile cross my face. Our little Princess turned out to be such a wonderful mother, wife, and ruler. Who would have thought, clumsy Usagi-chan would turn into a graceful, goddess-like ruler of the entire Earth? I miss her so much now. I miss seeing her around the palace. Acting as if she was still innocent Usagi-chan.
She's gone. I start to weep silently. Usagi-chan is really gone. I lift my face to the sky, tears now falling freely. Me, who never yelled, never got upset, never lost it, never wept. Me, sitting on the wet grass in the middle of the night, weeping to the sky.
"Why?!" I scream out. To who, I am uncertain. Maybe to God for not caring about my loneliness without her. Maybe to Fate for taking her from me. Maybe to her mother, Serenity, for making me live, only to see her die again. Maybe to Usagi-chan herself for leaving me alone, for dying. Or maybe to myself, for failing in my most sacred and cherished duty. To protect her.
Oh, I know in my head I couldn't have saved her. But my heart is another story. My heart will never believe that. And because Usagi-chan taught me to listen to my heart, I can't ignore it. I should have been closer to her. I should have been faster. I should have trained more. I should have died in her place! All this echoes at me from my heart. My heart, which is slowly dying.
My Queen was my life, my light. She taught me so much about enjoying life. And without her, I can't seem to care for anything anymore, but joining her. Even this planet and all within it can't stir anything within me. I know I have given up hope.
I remember that she never gave up hope, ever. But, I am not strong like her. I cannot live without her. She always kept going. When Mamoru-kun lost his memories of her, she still believed. She still believed he would return to her. When Sailor Galaxia killed all of us, she still had hope. Hope that she could save us. Never, has she ever given up hope. But I am not she. I'm not pure like her. I don't have her faith. She was the one who gave us hope and promise when we had none.
I remember what it was like so long ago, before I met her. I was so alone. Only she saw what was inside me. I studied hard because I was lonely. To escape the pain. Usagi-chan saw that and she befriended me. Made me open up and have fun. She became my friend when few would. Without her, I wouldn't have ever had true friends. And even now, I have friends. But we lost the one that kept us together. I am alone once more.
Lately, I remember so many of my memories that I haven't recalled in decades. I remember that before I met Usagi-chan, I always felt like I was waiting. Waiting for someone. Someone important, yet unknown to me. I had always felt a void. I felt the void the Princess had left with me even then. The void where her presence was supposed to be. I knew I had to find that person. To protect someone. Yet, I felt like I was insane. Why would I be needed to protect any body? I was only a young girl who did nothing but study. Yet the feeling persisted. The feeling that when that person was found that my life would be complete. That is when she found me. All my waiting had been worth it. All I knew was that this girl named Usagi was my reason for living.
Smiling at the memory of our first meeting, I let the tears continue. She saw I was alone and never let me bury myself in my studies again. Our precious princess was perceptive, although few would have realized it then. Now, we know better. We know she felt our pain, our loneliness, and our need. She knew us better than any other, and she cared for us with more feeling than any of us could guess.
She knew immediately when I needed her. When Urawa-kun died, so long ago, I felt torn in two. She just showed up at my apartment, arms open, with a sympathetic smile on her face. She never said a word. I flew into her arms and cried my pain out. I cried for hours, and she never said a word. But it was right somehow. Because of her, I was able to move on. And maybe, because she will always be first in my heart, I made it all these centuries.
Usagi-chan was the reason I am Sailor Mercury. She is the reason I fought. The reason I protected this galaxy. I loved being the Senshi of water and ice because it allowed me to protect the most important person to me. I loved being the Senshi of Knowledge and Wisdom because of her. She was my life. And my life is gone.
I hate myself for not dying in her place. Yet I know she would never want that. My death or my self-hatred. Why did she have to protect us? "Why her?! Why couldn't it have been me?!" I scream out.
Tsukino Usagi should never have been born with such a destiny. That beautiful girl would have loved to live a normal, happy life. Yet, she accepted her destiny. Accepted it, because she could have never stood by while her loved ones were hurt. She may not have seemed the most graceful or courageous person. She seemed spoiled and selfish. Yet, she had a grace all her own. Her courage was in facing such a burdensome destiny. In facing everyone with trust. And yes, she was selfish, but whenever it truly mattered, she would have gladly given anything to help her precious ones. That is without her being Sailor Moon.
Sailor Moon should never have existed. The Moon Princess should never have been made a warrior. That is why she never wanted to fight. It was never in her blood. Only her incredible love for everything the dark forces wished to destroy kept her fighting. She always came through for the planet and us. She kept fighting even when it tore her heart in two. I always believed that Queen Serenity made a grave mistake making her daughter a Senshi. Yet, she saved us all. She destroyed every enemy that arose. And most of the time, it was not even her fighting that saved us. But her love and trust that turned the enemy to good, or made her sacrifice herself to save us all. So, maybe the Queen didn't make that big of a mistake. The Earth would have been destroyed long ago if it hadn't been for Sailor Moon.
I remember the first sight of Princess Serenity so long ago on Earth. I wasn't even all that surprised to find that it was Sailor Moon. It fit somehow. Everything I had felt began to make sense. I knew I was to protect Sailor Moon, and it just made more sense when she turned out to be the long sought Princess. The first time I saw her, it astounded me. She was heavenly. An angel.
Over time, our Usagi-chan came to take on the qualities of the Princess she was long ago. It was difficult to notice at first, but after the defeat of Galaxia, it became obvious. She was merging her identities. When her merger became complete, Crystal Tokyo followed shortly after. It was wondrous watching her mature into a Queen. So confident and proud. Graceful and wise. She made us proud.
I laugh bitterly. Her greatest weakness was her fear of being alone. Of being left alone without the Senshi, without the King. Yet, she is the one to leave us. She is the one who died. Even though I would never wish any pain on her, I wish that I wouldn't ever have had to see her die. I wish it had been someone else. Me, another Senshi. Anybody but her. Yet, at the same time, I know it would have torn her apart to lose one of us.
What will the galaxy do without its Queen? How will it – how will we survive without her? She ruled it for so long. She brought about peace and prosperity. She governed perfectly. Neo-Queen Serenity restored the Silver Millennium that her mother created so long ago. She repopulated the planets, restored our royal titles. She married her prince, and together they ruled the Galaxy. After a millennia, they were finally together for all time. No more trials. Only happiness. And they deserved it. She deserved it after so much pain.
Will her daughter do as well? Will Chibi-Usa govern with as much wisdom? She raised her daughter well, but there are still doubts. All of the Senshi love the new Sailor Moon. The new Queen. Yet, she can never fill the void that was left when her mother left us. I suspect the only reason any of the Senshi or the King is still here is to make certain the new Queen will carry on. Our worry for the daughter of our beloved Queen keeps us here now. Maybe, when she has finally established herself all of us will slowly drift away. She doesn't need us. She has plenty of advisors. And Diana will always be with her. Diana's loyalty and heart belongs to the daughter, not the mother. She is saddened by the Queen's death, but she feels only mourning. Not death.
We are all bonded to our Queen. We all felt her death. We felt as if we died too. And I wished I had died with her. My life is meaningless now. We watched and felt our reason for living die. How any of us survived is a mystery. Maybe a part of her saved us from that too. Made us go on without her. Yet, how can I? How can I survive when my life is gone? How can I move on?
I feel so much guilt over never telling her how much I care about her. How much I love her. I always thought I would have more time. Forever really. And I figured she knew. I regret that now. As I regret so much now.
I stare silently at the moon, taking notice that the moonlight is so bright this night. Almost as if it is welcoming her into eternity. "Usagi-chan," I weep. "I'm so sorry I couldn't protect you. Just like I couldn't protect you on the moon a millennia ago. I'm sorry I am alive while you are not. I have never wanted to die as much as I do right now. I feel the void more clearly now then before I met you. I felt you die, Serenity. I felt your presence disappear. I felt my soul rip apart. As if a part of me went with you. I want to be with you, Usagi-chan." I start to shake as the tears fall faster.
"How will I survive without you? How can I fight when my reason for fighting is gone? I can I keep on at the palace when I am not needed anymore. When all it does is remind me that you are no longer here? I lost my best friend, my Queen, my life. I lost my will to live because I lost you. I can't even breathe without being reminded of you. I'm still here because I know that you would want us to look after your daughter. I live because I can't bear to disappoint you again. Do you know how much you mean to us, to me? Do you know that every time we fought I fought for you? I studied for you, to protect you. I'm sorry I never said you are my life. I'm sorry I never said you are my best friend. But most of all, I am sorry I never told you I love you."
"I know, Ami-chan, I know." I snap my head around looking for her, but deep inside I know she isn't there. I smile sadly through my tears.
"Thank you, Usagi-chan," I whisper. I slowly get up; noticing the stiffness of sitting in the same position for hours took its toll, and looked around. Noticing the lightening sky, I realize it is almost dawn.
I know she is gone, yet I will see her again soon. The time of the Sailor Senshi has passed on now. But until Chibi-Usa is established, I will endure. I'll miss my Queen terribly but I'll keep going. I'll survive for a while longer. I now know that she knows I love her, which eases my guilt. I will care for the new ruler until I am no longer needed. I will care for her daughter as my last gift to my beloved friend. I will live for now. Soon, I'll see her again.
"Soon, Usagi-chan," I whisper to the wind. "Soon."
~~~
AN: This is the first installment of a series of emotional pieces on the death of Usagi by various Sailor Senshi and SM characters. It was my very first fic way back in HS (and I'm 24 now, so you can imagine how long ago that was), though I have revamped it a bit. I hope you like it.
Lovies!