Goodbyes: Hino Rei
Disclaimer: Sailormoon is not mine. But if someone is willing to sell it to me for let's say $3.00 I'll buy it from ya!
By: Selenity Jade (Jadesama@aol.com)
Rating: PG13
'I can't believe that Odango Atama!' I rage in front of the Sacred Fire as I have every night since her death. What was she thinking?! I pace back and forth. She left us. She left me! I can't believe she's dead. I keep raging to keep myself from feeling the pain, the loneliness, and the despair. That has always been my defense I think. As long as I stay angry, I can't feel the pain. I know I can't keep this up though, the tears are threatening, and my anger is fading.
I am so afraid. Afraid that they will know I cannot go on. That they will see how weak I am without her. I'm afraid that they will see I never lived without her. I'm afraid that I will disappoint them, disappoint her. I'm afraid that the senshi will die without her, and it will be my fault. That her world will die without her. We were her protectors, but she was the Earth's and the Universe's protector. She is why I fought. She is why I lived. I'm afraid...she never knew how I felt. I'm afraid I am alone. I'm afraid that I will never be with her again. I'm afraid to go on without her. I'm afraid to live without her.
I sit dully in front of the Sacred Fire. It hasn't given me a vision since her death. Tears cloud my eyes. "No!" I get up and pace again. 'I can't cry, I can't.' Tears fall despite my efforts, and I throw myself onto the floor.
"Why?" I weakly ask. Why did she have to leave us, leave me? Why couldn't it have been me? Why did she have to protect us? It was *our* duty, our beloved duty to protect her. The one person who shed light into our lives, into our souls. I failed in that duty. I failed.
I curl into a ball, rocking myself back and forth. 'I failed,' I repeat to myself. 'I failed.' I didn't protect her. I didn't save her, my best friend. I lost her, the most important person in the Senshi's lives, in my life and I let her die. She was everything to us, to me. Without her, I am alone, we are all alone now. I don't want to be here without her. I'm afraid that I won't be able to carry on without her.
I laugh bitterly. I told Endymion so many comforting words that night and I didn't believe a thing I said. That we will make it without her. No, I can't make it without her. That we will see her again someday. I don't believe I will. I was never a good friend to her. Wherever she is right now, it is a place where angels go. I am not good enough to go with her. That is why I haven't tried to join her. That is why I am alive right now. That and the promise I made to her, so long ago. A promise I will never break, because I have already broken too many. A promise to make sure the senshi and Mamoru-kun survive, live and be happy should she ever die. Yes, I am trying to show them life will go on. Yet, I cannot believe it myself. I am holding them together, when I cannot hold myself together. How ironic.
I can't go anywhere without noticing she is not there. I walk the empty palace halls, my footsteps echoing and with every step, I notice her absence. Her laughter. Her smile not longer brightened our lives, our home. She's no longer holding court every day, I watch helplessly as her mourning daughter tries to fill her mother's shoes. I watch as the other senshi attempt to go on, each feeling as I do. Lost. And alone.
'She's never coming back.' The realization shocked me to the depths of my soul. She will never come back. Never light up my life. Never fight with me again, fight with me like the sister I always felt her to be. She will never wail, laugh, or smile again. She will never scold her daughter. She won't ever squeal with excitement on her birthdays. She will never again kiss her daughter goodnight or tell her stories of the days long past. She'll never kiss her Prince, her King again. She will never come back.
How will I go on without my reason to get up in the morning? How will I fight when my reason for fighting is gone? How will I survive without her? Big surprise there. Hino Rei, who acted as though she hated Tsukino Usagi, when in truth, cared for her more than anything in this world and beyond.
I remember the first time I met Usagi-chan. She came to the temple and when she saw me, she didn't think I was weird for being psychic. She didn't think I was a freak. She thought I was great. Yes, she touched my soul even then. She is the soul of pureness. She has never had a vindictive or mean thought in her entire life. How could I hate her?
As Sailor Moon, she was a bit of a wimp and a klutz, but she fought. She fought for what she believed in and for what she cared for. She was prepared to lose everything to protect her loved ones. I saw that and I admired her. Me, Rei, admiring the Odango Atama. Yes, I admired her. I admired her strength. Her willpower. Her grace. Her love. Her heart. When I first realized I was Sailor Mars, I made a silent vow to always protect her, a long time before knowing she was the Moon Princess we had been sworn to protect.
Ah, the princess. She was a goddess. An angel. She loved unconditionally. As the Princess of Mars, I knew she would have been a truly wonderful queen. When I found out she was Neo-Queen Serenity, I wasn't surprised. She was born to rule and rule well. She was a great queen. Even better then her mother. She was a wonderful mother and a perfect wife to Endymion. She was perfect.
I know she would never want any of us to join her in death. She'd want us to live, be happy, after all that is what she died for. How can I be happy when I know I will never see her again? I feel her absence deep within my soul. I feel it every waking moment. I think all the senshi have a bond with her. Maybe not as strong as Endymion's but I know I feel her absence more than I have felt anything in my life. I felt her presence every moment she was alive since I met her, even when she wasn't present. I've felt her inside my heart for over a thousand years. Now, I feel emptiness. Nothing. I feel nothing where I should feel warmth.
I wish I could have told her I care for her, that I'll miss her. That I do miss her. I regret so much now. I regret picking on her so much. I regret not telling her that I love her.
"Usagi," I sob out. "I never called you that much, did I? I've always called you Odango Atama or lazy, a klutz, or stupid. I am sorry, Usagi. I never thought any of those things. You were everything I was not. You were so bright and happy, and I never told you what you mean to me. Why didn't I tell you I love you, Usagi? I do love you. I waited until you can no longer hear me before I tell you. How pathetic I am. The most important person in my life, the reason I was alive is gone and you never knew how I felt." I cry harder as I try to finish my last goodbye to my best friend.
"I never told you that I was never mad about Mamoru-kun loving you. I knew that when we were dating, he was waiting for someone. Someone who wasn't me. I saw him look at you, like he never looked at me, even before we knew you were Serenity. I knew he could never love me, because I knew he could only love one person and that person was you. I cared for him but I knew he would never feel that way towards me. I am happy that he found you. I'm happy you found him. I am happy for both of you. I wasn't very hurt about it, since I knew deep in my soul he would have never loved anyone but you. Comes with being psychic, I think. You finally had happiness, true happiness, after you gave each of us, gave me, happiness." I look out the window at her former home, the moon.
"Usagi-chan, I am sorry I failed you. I'm sorry I want to die so I don't have to feel the pain, the loneliness, and the despair any longer. Most of all, I am sorry...sorry I never told you I love you."
"Don't worry, Rei-chan. I always knew." I smile a little.
"Thank you, Odango Atama." I am still lost and alone, but now I know she knows how I feel. I'll go on, to protect this world in her stead, because she cannot. I will go on, to fulfill a promise I made to my princess, my friend, my life. I will watch her daughter take up the throne and someday soon, I will be reunited with my best friend. Until then, she will be in my heart and soul. Always.
~~~
AN: *sniff* I think I have some sort of twisted obsession with killing off the character I like most... when they're female of course. I like torturing the male counterpart in my fics, and their friends. I don't know why...
Lovies!
Disclaimer: Sailormoon is not mine. But if someone is willing to sell it to me for let's say $3.00 I'll buy it from ya!
By: Selenity Jade (Jadesama@aol.com)
Rating: PG13
'I can't believe that Odango Atama!' I rage in front of the Sacred Fire as I have every night since her death. What was she thinking?! I pace back and forth. She left us. She left me! I can't believe she's dead. I keep raging to keep myself from feeling the pain, the loneliness, and the despair. That has always been my defense I think. As long as I stay angry, I can't feel the pain. I know I can't keep this up though, the tears are threatening, and my anger is fading.
I am so afraid. Afraid that they will know I cannot go on. That they will see how weak I am without her. I'm afraid that they will see I never lived without her. I'm afraid that I will disappoint them, disappoint her. I'm afraid that the senshi will die without her, and it will be my fault. That her world will die without her. We were her protectors, but she was the Earth's and the Universe's protector. She is why I fought. She is why I lived. I'm afraid...she never knew how I felt. I'm afraid I am alone. I'm afraid that I will never be with her again. I'm afraid to go on without her. I'm afraid to live without her.
I sit dully in front of the Sacred Fire. It hasn't given me a vision since her death. Tears cloud my eyes. "No!" I get up and pace again. 'I can't cry, I can't.' Tears fall despite my efforts, and I throw myself onto the floor.
"Why?" I weakly ask. Why did she have to leave us, leave me? Why couldn't it have been me? Why did she have to protect us? It was *our* duty, our beloved duty to protect her. The one person who shed light into our lives, into our souls. I failed in that duty. I failed.
I curl into a ball, rocking myself back and forth. 'I failed,' I repeat to myself. 'I failed.' I didn't protect her. I didn't save her, my best friend. I lost her, the most important person in the Senshi's lives, in my life and I let her die. She was everything to us, to me. Without her, I am alone, we are all alone now. I don't want to be here without her. I'm afraid that I won't be able to carry on without her.
I laugh bitterly. I told Endymion so many comforting words that night and I didn't believe a thing I said. That we will make it without her. No, I can't make it without her. That we will see her again someday. I don't believe I will. I was never a good friend to her. Wherever she is right now, it is a place where angels go. I am not good enough to go with her. That is why I haven't tried to join her. That is why I am alive right now. That and the promise I made to her, so long ago. A promise I will never break, because I have already broken too many. A promise to make sure the senshi and Mamoru-kun survive, live and be happy should she ever die. Yes, I am trying to show them life will go on. Yet, I cannot believe it myself. I am holding them together, when I cannot hold myself together. How ironic.
I can't go anywhere without noticing she is not there. I walk the empty palace halls, my footsteps echoing and with every step, I notice her absence. Her laughter. Her smile not longer brightened our lives, our home. She's no longer holding court every day, I watch helplessly as her mourning daughter tries to fill her mother's shoes. I watch as the other senshi attempt to go on, each feeling as I do. Lost. And alone.
'She's never coming back.' The realization shocked me to the depths of my soul. She will never come back. Never light up my life. Never fight with me again, fight with me like the sister I always felt her to be. She will never wail, laugh, or smile again. She will never scold her daughter. She won't ever squeal with excitement on her birthdays. She will never again kiss her daughter goodnight or tell her stories of the days long past. She'll never kiss her Prince, her King again. She will never come back.
How will I go on without my reason to get up in the morning? How will I fight when my reason for fighting is gone? How will I survive without her? Big surprise there. Hino Rei, who acted as though she hated Tsukino Usagi, when in truth, cared for her more than anything in this world and beyond.
I remember the first time I met Usagi-chan. She came to the temple and when she saw me, she didn't think I was weird for being psychic. She didn't think I was a freak. She thought I was great. Yes, she touched my soul even then. She is the soul of pureness. She has never had a vindictive or mean thought in her entire life. How could I hate her?
As Sailor Moon, she was a bit of a wimp and a klutz, but she fought. She fought for what she believed in and for what she cared for. She was prepared to lose everything to protect her loved ones. I saw that and I admired her. Me, Rei, admiring the Odango Atama. Yes, I admired her. I admired her strength. Her willpower. Her grace. Her love. Her heart. When I first realized I was Sailor Mars, I made a silent vow to always protect her, a long time before knowing she was the Moon Princess we had been sworn to protect.
Ah, the princess. She was a goddess. An angel. She loved unconditionally. As the Princess of Mars, I knew she would have been a truly wonderful queen. When I found out she was Neo-Queen Serenity, I wasn't surprised. She was born to rule and rule well. She was a great queen. Even better then her mother. She was a wonderful mother and a perfect wife to Endymion. She was perfect.
I know she would never want any of us to join her in death. She'd want us to live, be happy, after all that is what she died for. How can I be happy when I know I will never see her again? I feel her absence deep within my soul. I feel it every waking moment. I think all the senshi have a bond with her. Maybe not as strong as Endymion's but I know I feel her absence more than I have felt anything in my life. I felt her presence every moment she was alive since I met her, even when she wasn't present. I've felt her inside my heart for over a thousand years. Now, I feel emptiness. Nothing. I feel nothing where I should feel warmth.
I wish I could have told her I care for her, that I'll miss her. That I do miss her. I regret so much now. I regret picking on her so much. I regret not telling her that I love her.
"Usagi," I sob out. "I never called you that much, did I? I've always called you Odango Atama or lazy, a klutz, or stupid. I am sorry, Usagi. I never thought any of those things. You were everything I was not. You were so bright and happy, and I never told you what you mean to me. Why didn't I tell you I love you, Usagi? I do love you. I waited until you can no longer hear me before I tell you. How pathetic I am. The most important person in my life, the reason I was alive is gone and you never knew how I felt." I cry harder as I try to finish my last goodbye to my best friend.
"I never told you that I was never mad about Mamoru-kun loving you. I knew that when we were dating, he was waiting for someone. Someone who wasn't me. I saw him look at you, like he never looked at me, even before we knew you were Serenity. I knew he could never love me, because I knew he could only love one person and that person was you. I cared for him but I knew he would never feel that way towards me. I am happy that he found you. I'm happy you found him. I am happy for both of you. I wasn't very hurt about it, since I knew deep in my soul he would have never loved anyone but you. Comes with being psychic, I think. You finally had happiness, true happiness, after you gave each of us, gave me, happiness." I look out the window at her former home, the moon.
"Usagi-chan, I am sorry I failed you. I'm sorry I want to die so I don't have to feel the pain, the loneliness, and the despair any longer. Most of all, I am sorry...sorry I never told you I love you."
"Don't worry, Rei-chan. I always knew." I smile a little.
"Thank you, Odango Atama." I am still lost and alone, but now I know she knows how I feel. I'll go on, to protect this world in her stead, because she cannot. I will go on, to fulfill a promise I made to my princess, my friend, my life. I will watch her daughter take up the throne and someday soon, I will be reunited with my best friend. Until then, she will be in my heart and soul. Always.
~~~
AN: *sniff* I think I have some sort of twisted obsession with killing off the character I like most... when they're female of course. I like torturing the male counterpart in my fics, and their friends. I don't know why...
Lovies!