Goodbyes: Kino Makoto
Disclaimer: Don't own, please don't sue!
By: Selenity Jade (Jadesama@aol.com)
Rating: PG13
'Usagi-chan. Why did she have to leave? This isn't fair!' I throw my frying pan across the kitchen. It makes a loud thud as it hit the wall. 'Damn, now I'll have to fix the dent.' The realization that she won't come back just hit me. I was cooking, cooking for her, when I finally realized she is gone.
I was supposed to protect her. Since the moment I saw her, I protected her. I felt an overwhelming need to make sure no harm came to her. I was her bodyguard. I always thought with actions more that with words, but she always understood. She never judged, she never thought anything of it. She saw it as a part of me and cared for me just the same.
I always wondered what she saw in me. What made her decide to be my friend? She was never afraid of me, like the others were. She just plopped down next to me and started to chat. I don't think it ever entered her mind to be afraid of me. I think at that moment, I realized I'd always protect her. Protect her because she had the heart and insight to see beyond my violent ways, to see I wasn't a bad person.
I punch the wall, barely feeling the pain. 'Damn, another dent.' Tears cloud my eyes. 'Why her?' I ask silently. The world, the universe needs her. I need her so much.
The tears now fall, and I slide down the wall onto the floor as sobs overtake me. Why did she try to protect us? Why did she die? Couldn't she see, I would die a million deaths, just so she could smile once more? Just to have her laugh again. Just to see her kiss Endymion one last time.
"Why?" I sob. I don't understand how fate could be so cruel to take away the one girl who could light up the universe with her smile. Could take a girl who could make troubles flow away with her laugh. A girl who could make people try to take away her pain, when they did not even know her. Everyone who saw her cared for her. She took away the loneliness, the pain, and the sadness. Brightened our lives, and gave meaning to our existence.
The first time I saw Tsukino Usagi, she was getting picked on by those bullies, something about her made me want to protect her, want to shelter her. Make sure she never felt the loneliness I have. Make sure she never had tears in her eyes. Eyes that sparkled with life. She looks so fragile, who would have thought she had such strength.
When I met Sailor Moon, she caused the same feeling of protectiveness as Usagi-chan did. I couldn't let that beautiful warrior fight alone. I had to help. Then, as Sailor Jupiter, I could protect her and fight with her so much better. I have always believed she was a great leader. I believed she was the strongest of us all. I always believed in her.
When we found our Moon Princess, I wasn't surprised. I think I always felt that deep within my heart. I wasn't even surprised Mamoru-san was her prince and Tuxedo Kamen. I saw how he looked at her, how she looked at him. She had a presence about her, a warmth when she was near, the presence she has around herself as Serenity.
I wrap my arms around my knees and lay my head on them. I can't believe she is gone now. Everything I see, reminds me of her. The park reminds me of how often we met there. Roses remind me of Mamoru-san saving her repeatedly. Chocolate reminds me of her pigging out on a chocolate hot fudge sundae. Walking passed the schools always reminds me of how many tests she and I failed together over a thousand years ago. Cooking reminds me of how often I cooked for her. The palace walls echoed loudly in her absence, each step reminding me that she no longer walks these halls of her own palace. Her home.
I failed in my duty to protect her, a vow that was made lifetimes ago. A vow that was remade when I met her. A duty I enjoyed because she was so special. I let her protect us, I don't know how I should have stopped her, but I should have found a way!
She took my loneliness away, the loneliness I have felt since my parents died, and before. She gave meaning to my life, she gave me a purpose. I feel like my life is meaningless how. How am I supposed to fight anymore? How can I cook when all I think about is how I will never cook for her again? How can I live anymore? Yes, I, Kino Makoto, have lost the will to fight, to cook, and to live. She was everything and without her, I am nothing. I just want to die. My body shakes with the force of my sobs.
I never even realized I never told her how I felt. Never once said that she was important. Never told her she was special, special to the senshi, special to me. I never told her I love her.
"Oh, Usagi-chan," I choke out. "Usagi-chan, why? Why did you protect us? We are nothing without you. You gave our lives meaning. You gave us hope. I never believed you would leave us so soon. I never believed you would die. Why did I never tell you I need you? Why did I never say thank you for being my friend? Usagi-chan, you were my best friend. You understood me as Shinozaki did not, could not understand me." I shake harder trying to find the words to tell my princess how I feel.
"Do you remember when you and I were chasing after Motoki-san? How we were love senshi? I remember your eyes when you looked at Mamoru-san. I knew you didn't want Motoki-san, I knew. But that wasn't important. What was important was the fun we had chasing him. Do you remember, Usagi-chan?" I look out the window towards the moon tears staining my cheeks.
"I never had a problem falling for guys, but I always had problems making friends. I never had as good as friends as you and Shinozaki. But I was never able to completely open up to him. How could I have told him I'm Sailor Jupiter? How could I have explained to him I'm a princess from a couple thousand years ago sworn to protect the Moon Princess with my very life in need be? He'd have had me committed. He died not knowing my secret. You knew all of my secrets. You understood. Because, how could you explain to others how you are the Moon Princess, destined to become Queen of Crystal Tokyo? You felt that same pain." The moon wavers through my tears.
"Usagi-chan, I think all of us senshi have a bond with you. A bond made of the feelings we feel towards you, made because our destinies were intertwined. Maybe it was because of your mother so long ago sending us into the future; we had to be connected in order to be born in the same time. I have never had a friend quite like you. You made us happy and complete while taking away our pain and loneliness. You gave us life, Usagi-chan. You made our lives - my life shine. I'm sorry I never told you how important you are to me. I regret that so much right now." The moon seems to hold some sort of power over me, and I cannot look away.
"Usagi-chan, I know I always seemed like the strongest of the inner senshi, but I'm not. I am weak because I cannot live without you. I don't want to live without you. Everyone tries to comfort me, but how can I tell them what you mean to me? That you mean so much to me, that even though I want to die, I want your world you worked so hard to bring to peace to survive. I will help train your daughter to rule. I will live in hopes I will see you again. I will live so that your world is still safe until your daughter takes on the throne alone." I sob down the uncontrollable anger at what fate has done to me, taken her away, taken her life.
"Usagi-chan, I wish...I wish I could have told you how much I love you."
"You just did, Mako-chan, you just did." Was that the wind? Have I finally lost my mind? I stand and move towards the window.
"Thank you, Usagi-chan," I whisper, hoping she will hear me. I know that I'll always miss her, and I'll be with my princess again soon. But until then, I'll live. I will protect the world she loved so much and look after her daughter, for my friend. My best friend.
~~~
AN: Not great, but not HORRIBLE at least. :P It's still an old fic, and it feels so weird to read now... but maybe when I finish reposting my parts I'll add new characters. ^_^
Lovies!
Disclaimer: Don't own, please don't sue!
By: Selenity Jade (Jadesama@aol.com)
Rating: PG13
'Usagi-chan. Why did she have to leave? This isn't fair!' I throw my frying pan across the kitchen. It makes a loud thud as it hit the wall. 'Damn, now I'll have to fix the dent.' The realization that she won't come back just hit me. I was cooking, cooking for her, when I finally realized she is gone.
I was supposed to protect her. Since the moment I saw her, I protected her. I felt an overwhelming need to make sure no harm came to her. I was her bodyguard. I always thought with actions more that with words, but she always understood. She never judged, she never thought anything of it. She saw it as a part of me and cared for me just the same.
I always wondered what she saw in me. What made her decide to be my friend? She was never afraid of me, like the others were. She just plopped down next to me and started to chat. I don't think it ever entered her mind to be afraid of me. I think at that moment, I realized I'd always protect her. Protect her because she had the heart and insight to see beyond my violent ways, to see I wasn't a bad person.
I punch the wall, barely feeling the pain. 'Damn, another dent.' Tears cloud my eyes. 'Why her?' I ask silently. The world, the universe needs her. I need her so much.
The tears now fall, and I slide down the wall onto the floor as sobs overtake me. Why did she try to protect us? Why did she die? Couldn't she see, I would die a million deaths, just so she could smile once more? Just to have her laugh again. Just to see her kiss Endymion one last time.
"Why?" I sob. I don't understand how fate could be so cruel to take away the one girl who could light up the universe with her smile. Could take a girl who could make troubles flow away with her laugh. A girl who could make people try to take away her pain, when they did not even know her. Everyone who saw her cared for her. She took away the loneliness, the pain, and the sadness. Brightened our lives, and gave meaning to our existence.
The first time I saw Tsukino Usagi, she was getting picked on by those bullies, something about her made me want to protect her, want to shelter her. Make sure she never felt the loneliness I have. Make sure she never had tears in her eyes. Eyes that sparkled with life. She looks so fragile, who would have thought she had such strength.
When I met Sailor Moon, she caused the same feeling of protectiveness as Usagi-chan did. I couldn't let that beautiful warrior fight alone. I had to help. Then, as Sailor Jupiter, I could protect her and fight with her so much better. I have always believed she was a great leader. I believed she was the strongest of us all. I always believed in her.
When we found our Moon Princess, I wasn't surprised. I think I always felt that deep within my heart. I wasn't even surprised Mamoru-san was her prince and Tuxedo Kamen. I saw how he looked at her, how she looked at him. She had a presence about her, a warmth when she was near, the presence she has around herself as Serenity.
I wrap my arms around my knees and lay my head on them. I can't believe she is gone now. Everything I see, reminds me of her. The park reminds me of how often we met there. Roses remind me of Mamoru-san saving her repeatedly. Chocolate reminds me of her pigging out on a chocolate hot fudge sundae. Walking passed the schools always reminds me of how many tests she and I failed together over a thousand years ago. Cooking reminds me of how often I cooked for her. The palace walls echoed loudly in her absence, each step reminding me that she no longer walks these halls of her own palace. Her home.
I failed in my duty to protect her, a vow that was made lifetimes ago. A vow that was remade when I met her. A duty I enjoyed because she was so special. I let her protect us, I don't know how I should have stopped her, but I should have found a way!
She took my loneliness away, the loneliness I have felt since my parents died, and before. She gave meaning to my life, she gave me a purpose. I feel like my life is meaningless how. How am I supposed to fight anymore? How can I cook when all I think about is how I will never cook for her again? How can I live anymore? Yes, I, Kino Makoto, have lost the will to fight, to cook, and to live. She was everything and without her, I am nothing. I just want to die. My body shakes with the force of my sobs.
I never even realized I never told her how I felt. Never once said that she was important. Never told her she was special, special to the senshi, special to me. I never told her I love her.
"Oh, Usagi-chan," I choke out. "Usagi-chan, why? Why did you protect us? We are nothing without you. You gave our lives meaning. You gave us hope. I never believed you would leave us so soon. I never believed you would die. Why did I never tell you I need you? Why did I never say thank you for being my friend? Usagi-chan, you were my best friend. You understood me as Shinozaki did not, could not understand me." I shake harder trying to find the words to tell my princess how I feel.
"Do you remember when you and I were chasing after Motoki-san? How we were love senshi? I remember your eyes when you looked at Mamoru-san. I knew you didn't want Motoki-san, I knew. But that wasn't important. What was important was the fun we had chasing him. Do you remember, Usagi-chan?" I look out the window towards the moon tears staining my cheeks.
"I never had a problem falling for guys, but I always had problems making friends. I never had as good as friends as you and Shinozaki. But I was never able to completely open up to him. How could I have told him I'm Sailor Jupiter? How could I have explained to him I'm a princess from a couple thousand years ago sworn to protect the Moon Princess with my very life in need be? He'd have had me committed. He died not knowing my secret. You knew all of my secrets. You understood. Because, how could you explain to others how you are the Moon Princess, destined to become Queen of Crystal Tokyo? You felt that same pain." The moon wavers through my tears.
"Usagi-chan, I think all of us senshi have a bond with you. A bond made of the feelings we feel towards you, made because our destinies were intertwined. Maybe it was because of your mother so long ago sending us into the future; we had to be connected in order to be born in the same time. I have never had a friend quite like you. You made us happy and complete while taking away our pain and loneliness. You gave us life, Usagi-chan. You made our lives - my life shine. I'm sorry I never told you how important you are to me. I regret that so much right now." The moon seems to hold some sort of power over me, and I cannot look away.
"Usagi-chan, I know I always seemed like the strongest of the inner senshi, but I'm not. I am weak because I cannot live without you. I don't want to live without you. Everyone tries to comfort me, but how can I tell them what you mean to me? That you mean so much to me, that even though I want to die, I want your world you worked so hard to bring to peace to survive. I will help train your daughter to rule. I will live in hopes I will see you again. I will live so that your world is still safe until your daughter takes on the throne alone." I sob down the uncontrollable anger at what fate has done to me, taken her away, taken her life.
"Usagi-chan, I wish...I wish I could have told you how much I love you."
"You just did, Mako-chan, you just did." Was that the wind? Have I finally lost my mind? I stand and move towards the window.
"Thank you, Usagi-chan," I whisper, hoping she will hear me. I know that I'll always miss her, and I'll be with my princess again soon. But until then, I'll live. I will protect the world she loved so much and look after her daughter, for my friend. My best friend.
~~~
AN: Not great, but not HORRIBLE at least. :P It's still an old fic, and it feels so weird to read now... but maybe when I finish reposting my parts I'll add new characters. ^_^
Lovies!